Remember to listen

Don’t forget that body language doesn’t replace other forms of communication. Body language is part of the big communication package everyone uses all the time. You should evaluate verbal and nonverbal messages within the greater context of the situation. (Read the section “Don’t Believe Everything You See,” at the end of this chapter.)
Next time you watch a feature film, pay particular attention to the actors when they aren’t speaking. What are they saying to you with their bodies? Consciously think about the message being communicated. The better the actors, the more they are able to communicate without words. Feature films can provide a wealth of education about body language, especially scenes without dialogue.
12 Angry Men (the original black-and-white film with Henry Fonda at the center of the action) is a film that I show at every intensive, three-day negotiating seminar. It’s the story of a jury considering the fate of a young man accused of murdering his father. The first vote that the jury takes is 11-1 for conviction. Fonda, as the holdout, leads a discussion among the other jurors, but doesn’t appear — from the dialogue — to have made any progress. Finally, he stands and makes a bold proposal: “Let’s take one more vote — by secret ballot. If I am the only one for ‘not guilty’ I will change my vote and we can go home.” Obviously, someone changes his vote or the movie would have to end there. I stop the film at that point, and we go around the room as the participants guess which juror changes his vote. Many participants are able to pick the correct juror from the body language. The dialogue is little help. Those participants who do not pick the correct juror are generally off by only one or two. By that I mean if they don’t pick the next juror to change his vote, they pick the second or third juror to change his vote (it is, after all, a 90-minute movie). Sometimes, a participant will still focus on the dialogue instead of the body language, and those who do select the sixth juror to change his vote. Rent the film. Try the exercise. It’s a real lesson in body language. My favorite line in the movie is when one of the jurors storms out of the room while another juror is trying to talk to him. Fonda leans over and says, “Never mind. He can’t hear you. He never will.”

Facial Expressions and Arms Style

Human beings receive most nonverbal cues from the face. Because people primarily look at each other’s faces during communication, humans have evolved to understand facial cues the best. Professional card players rely so heavily on controlling their facial expressions that the term poker face is used to describe the ability to hide feelings behind a mask of non-expression. Interestingly, photographic studies show that even the most practiced card sharks can’t prevent the pupils of their eyes from expanding when they open a really good hand.
The general rule for arms, hands, legs, and feet is that closed positions (crossed arms and legs) signal resistance, and open positions signal receptivity.
The torso position can be the hardest to read because posture and seating position are often a matter of individual habit. Moreover, people don’t always have the opportunity to observe each other’s full torso during a meeting. Nevertheless, the torso can be a valuable source of meaning to the experienced observer.
The next time you’re at an airport or shopping mall, watch callers talk on their cell phones. See if you can guess who is on the other end of the line, just by observing the callers’ body language. Notice the positions of their bodies. If a person is cradling the phone affectionately, with head cocked and body draped languidly, a romantic interest is probably on the other end. If the person is shifting from foot to foot and looking around, an uncomfortable personal call is probably taking place. If the caller is standing erect and staring down at some notes or looking straight ahead in concentration, the call is, most likely, business related.

Look for Evidence of Listening

As you listen to the other party in a negotiation, be alert to the occasional indicators that the other person is not really listening to you. If the other person says something like “uh-huh” or “that’s interesting,” find out immediately whether this response is an expression of genuine interest, a way of postponing discussion, or — equally fatal to communication — a signal that he or she is fighting the dreaded doze monster. Those little demons that tug at the eyelids in the middle of the afternoon cause odd, nonspecific utterances to fall from the lips.
If you suspect the latter, ask a probing question or two to ferret out the truth. Asking, “‘Uh-huh’ yes you agree, or just ‘Uh-huh’ you heard me?” is a good way to flush out the noncommittal uh-huh.
When someone says “That’s interesting,” find out exactly what makes it interesting. Don’t be afraid to keep things lively. This approach is much better than having the conversation die right there at the negotiating table. If you decide that, indeed, your conversational partner is simply not listening, take a break. Often, a quick stretch or, in a more serious case of the afternoon slumps, a walk around the block helps revive everybody. If a distraction is causing the lagging interest in what you are saying, deal with it. Discuss the preoccupying problem or have the distracted party make that critical call.

Don’t allow too many pronouns

Beware the deadly pronoun: he, she, they, especially the infamous they and the power-gilded we. Pronouns can send you into a quagmire of misunderstanding. Every single day, it seems, I say to someone, “Too many pronouns.” During a negotiation, force your counterpart to use specific nouns and proper names. This preventive measure avoids a great deal of miscommunication.
With pronouns, you must guess which “they” or which “we” the speaker is talking about. Don’t guess. Just throw up your hands and say, with humor, “Too many pronouns.” I have never met anyone who begrudged me taking the time to clarify this issue. More often than not, the request is greeted with a chuckle. The potential for confusion is obvious, and everyone appreciates the effort to maintain clarity.

Don’t accept an assertion for the answer

A person who doesn’t want to answer your question may try instead to emphatically state something close to what you’re looking for. This technique is common when you’re asking for a commitment that the other party doesn’t want to make.
Sometimes, an assertion about the past is substituted for an answer about the future. For example, you ask whether a company plans to spend $50,000 on advertising in the next year. You receive an emphatic statement that the company has spent $50,000 each year for the past four years, that sales are rising, and that any company would be a fool to cut back now. Don’t settle for such assertions — push for an answer. Say something like “Does that mean that your company has made a final commitment to spend $50,000 for advertising this year?”
Because assertions are sometimes delivered with a great deal of energy or passion, you may feel awkward insisting on the answer to your question. Not persisting with the inquiry can be fatal to your interests.

Don’t tolerate the dodge

Politicians, as a group, seem specially trained to provide anything but an answer when asked a question. It’s almost as though there is some secret college for Congress members where they go to learn about the artful dodge. Just tune into the Sunday morning shows that feature our elected representatives. For example, if someone asks about the state of public education, the representative may launch into a dissertation about family values. It’s odd how many interviewers let elected officials get away with avoiding questions Sunday after Sunday. You don’t have to do that. Don’t accept the dodge when you ask a question. Recognize this tactic for what it is and repeat the question, this time insisting on a real answer or an exact time when you can expect an answer. When people say that they have to look into something and get back to you, about the only thing you can do (without making a rather obvious and frontal assault on their honesty) is wait. However, you can nail them down to a specific date and time that they will “get back to you.” If the question is important enough for the other side to delay (or not answer at all), the issue is important enough for you to press forward. Asking, “When can I expect an answer from you?” is a direct way of obtaining that information. Be sure to make a note of the reply.

Accept no substitutes

You are listening. You are asking all the right questions at the right time. You are patient. So why aren’t you getting the information you need? One of the following possibilities may exist:

• The person simply doesn’t understand your questions. You might try rephrasing your questions.
• The person simply doesn’t want to answer your questions. Maybe company policy prevents disclosure of the information. Maybe the person feels uncomfortable discussing a particular subject matter. If you believe this is true, make a note and find out the information elsewhere.
• The person is not good at answering questions. The avoidance is not deliberate or devious. Because of bad habits, sloppiness, or laziness, the person neglects to respond to your inquiry. Keep probing.
• The person doesn’t know the answer and is uncomfortable in saying so. If you suspect this, ask if the other person needs time to research the answer.
• The person is a pathological liar. In this case, run. Never negotiate with a liar — you can’t win.

In each of these cases, the result is the same. You are not getting a valuable piece of information. Take the suggested possibilities to get the information