Reading someone else’s body language

Being able to accurately read the true attitude and feelings of someone across the table can be enormously important. Seldom do you see adults physically clap their hands over their ears to avoid hearing something, but people have other ways of signaling that they aren’t listening, such as allowing their eyes to wander or attending to an unrelated task.
Disney released a wonderful film called Frank and Ollie about a couple of the world’s greatest observers of body language. Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston were two of the original animators of such classics as Cinderella and Bambi. This film shows them mimicking various elements of body language to communicate feelings and then making sketches of their own movements. Watch this movie as a primer on body language; it illustrates the points of this chapter better than all the words ever written on the subject. The ability to read a person’s body language enables you to adjust your approach to that person. Based on what you learn about the other person’s mood or attitude, you can temper your own words and actions appropriately — for example, you can calm down someone who’s agitated or perk up someone who’s bored.
Discover how much fun you can have reading the body language of others. The more you practice this skill, the better you will be at negotiating. The next time you go to an event connected to your work, pause a moment at the door. Instead of looking for someone you know, look over the room. Identify the more influential people. Try to distinguish who wields power. Who are the employers? Who are the employees? What differences in body language make social status apparent? If you’re at a social gathering, see if you can spot very outgoing people. Who is shy? Are any of the couples fighting?

Matching your body language with your words

Don’t mix and match when it comes to your body language and your spoken words. Even people who haven’t read this book draw meaning from your body language when you speak. People expect corresponding body language to accompany verbal messages. Inconsistent communications from you will throw your listener off, even if the person has never heard the phrase “body language.”
When you’re speaking, be sure that your body language matches your words, if you want your words to be believed. If you are enthusiastic about a project, show that enthusiasm in your body. Don’t recline relaxed on the sofa. The message of disinterest communicated by your body will be remembered far longer than the words of interest that come out of your mouth. Several reasons may explain why your body language may not match your words.

• You’re having an energy drain. When you’re tired, keeping your body properly expressive takes extra energy. Think about the potential positive outcome of your negotiation session. It may provide you with a boost of adrenaline, allowing you to get through the negotiation energized instead of drained. Feed the left side of your brain with positive thoughts and don’t lose a deal because your tired body says, “I don’t care one way or another.” You can always stand up or walk around. If you have to, step outside for a moment to reignite your energy.
• You’re not concentrating on the communication of the moment. As you read about body language, you will notice that many gestures, movements, and mannerisms indicate that a person is actually thinking about a matter other than the current topic of conversation. If you find your mind wandering, the other side will quickly see it in your face. Ask for a break so you can make a phone call and clear a concern out of your mind. When you’re in a negotiating session, be sure that you are in the session with your heart, mind, and soul. Your physical presence may be much less important than your mental presence. Athletes call it “being in the zone.”
• You have developed bad communication habits. Some classic comic sketches illustrate this point: The disgusted spouse utters a terse, “Fine” with lips clamped tight. This reaction lets a partner know that things are anything but fine. And then there is the smiling letch leaning in for the kill who says, “Why, I wouldn’t hurt a fly.” In both of these examples, the body language trumps the spoken word. The listener gets the nonverbal message much more clearly than the verbal message. If you have any mannerisms that project a different meaning from the words you are uttering, work on breaking the habit.

What Our Bodies Can Say

Verbal and written communications are not the only elements of communication in a negotiation — or in life. Good negotiators only get better when they draw meaning and insight from the way a person stands or sits, the way a person dresses, or the panoply of facial expressions that play out during a conversation. That’s why, in my negotiation seminars, I say, “Listen with your ears, your eyes, and every pore in between.”
Different nonverbal communications are associated with different attitudes. Becoming savvy to these relationships can put you at a great advantage. As a negotiator, you have two distinct tasks:

• Make sure that your body language expresses the message you want to send. Your body language needs to be consistent with your words.
• Read the nonverbal signals of the person with whom you are negotiating. You need to recognize when someone is sending conflicting words and actions, and when someone’s gestures add emphasis to the words.

When you become a student of body language, you quickly realize that gestures come in packs. Rarely does anyone invoke one random gesture to the exclusion of all others. Rather, there is a symphony of sight and sound, all working together.
Charmers aren’t necessarily the best-looking people in the room; they are the ones who have a command of body language. When such a person focuses on you, you definitely know that the person is interested; the attention can almost make you blush. The person is employing dozens of nonverbal signals to convey his or her focus on you.

Remember to listen

Don’t forget that body language doesn’t replace other forms of communication. Body language is part of the big communication package everyone uses all the time. You should evaluate verbal and nonverbal messages within the greater context of the situation. (Read the section “Don’t Believe Everything You See,” at the end of this chapter.)
Next time you watch a feature film, pay particular attention to the actors when they aren’t speaking. What are they saying to you with their bodies? Consciously think about the message being communicated. The better the actors, the more they are able to communicate without words. Feature films can provide a wealth of education about body language, especially scenes without dialogue.
12 Angry Men (the original black-and-white film with Henry Fonda at the center of the action) is a film that I show at every intensive, three-day negotiating seminar. It’s the story of a jury considering the fate of a young man accused of murdering his father. The first vote that the jury takes is 11-1 for conviction. Fonda, as the holdout, leads a discussion among the other jurors, but doesn’t appear — from the dialogue — to have made any progress. Finally, he stands and makes a bold proposal: “Let’s take one more vote — by secret ballot. If I am the only one for ‘not guilty’ I will change my vote and we can go home.” Obviously, someone changes his vote or the movie would have to end there. I stop the film at that point, and we go around the room as the participants guess which juror changes his vote. Many participants are able to pick the correct juror from the body language. The dialogue is little help. Those participants who do not pick the correct juror are generally off by only one or two. By that I mean if they don’t pick the next juror to change his vote, they pick the second or third juror to change his vote (it is, after all, a 90-minute movie). Sometimes, a participant will still focus on the dialogue instead of the body language, and those who do select the sixth juror to change his vote. Rent the film. Try the exercise. It’s a real lesson in body language. My favorite line in the movie is when one of the jurors storms out of the room while another juror is trying to talk to him. Fonda leans over and says, “Never mind. He can’t hear you. He never will.”

Facial Expressions and Arms Style

Human beings receive most nonverbal cues from the face. Because people primarily look at each other’s faces during communication, humans have evolved to understand facial cues the best. Professional card players rely so heavily on controlling their facial expressions that the term poker face is used to describe the ability to hide feelings behind a mask of non-expression. Interestingly, photographic studies show that even the most practiced card sharks can’t prevent the pupils of their eyes from expanding when they open a really good hand.
The general rule for arms, hands, legs, and feet is that closed positions (crossed arms and legs) signal resistance, and open positions signal receptivity.
The torso position can be the hardest to read because posture and seating position are often a matter of individual habit. Moreover, people don’t always have the opportunity to observe each other’s full torso during a meeting. Nevertheless, the torso can be a valuable source of meaning to the experienced observer.
The next time you’re at an airport or shopping mall, watch callers talk on their cell phones. See if you can guess who is on the other end of the line, just by observing the callers’ body language. Notice the positions of their bodies. If a person is cradling the phone affectionately, with head cocked and body draped languidly, a romantic interest is probably on the other end. If the person is shifting from foot to foot and looking around, an uncomfortable personal call is probably taking place. If the caller is standing erect and staring down at some notes or looking straight ahead in concentration, the call is, most likely, business related.

Look for Evidence of Listening

As you listen to the other party in a negotiation, be alert to the occasional indicators that the other person is not really listening to you. If the other person says something like “uh-huh” or “that’s interesting,” find out immediately whether this response is an expression of genuine interest, a way of postponing discussion, or — equally fatal to communication — a signal that he or she is fighting the dreaded doze monster. Those little demons that tug at the eyelids in the middle of the afternoon cause odd, nonspecific utterances to fall from the lips.
If you suspect the latter, ask a probing question or two to ferret out the truth. Asking, “‘Uh-huh’ yes you agree, or just ‘Uh-huh’ you heard me?” is a good way to flush out the noncommittal uh-huh.
When someone says “That’s interesting,” find out exactly what makes it interesting. Don’t be afraid to keep things lively. This approach is much better than having the conversation die right there at the negotiating table. If you decide that, indeed, your conversational partner is simply not listening, take a break. Often, a quick stretch or, in a more serious case of the afternoon slumps, a walk around the block helps revive everybody. If a distraction is causing the lagging interest in what you are saying, deal with it. Discuss the preoccupying problem or have the distracted party make that critical call.

Don’t allow too many pronouns

Beware the deadly pronoun: he, she, they, especially the infamous they and the power-gilded we. Pronouns can send you into a quagmire of misunderstanding. Every single day, it seems, I say to someone, “Too many pronouns.” During a negotiation, force your counterpart to use specific nouns and proper names. This preventive measure avoids a great deal of miscommunication.
With pronouns, you must guess which “they” or which “we” the speaker is talking about. Don’t guess. Just throw up your hands and say, with humor, “Too many pronouns.” I have never met anyone who begrudged me taking the time to clarify this issue. More often than not, the request is greeted with a chuckle. The potential for confusion is obvious, and everyone appreciates the effort to maintain clarity.