The Art of Negotiation

Identifying your hot buttons

2011-06-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

So before I go any further, I am going to ask you to do something that is more difficult than listing your pause buttons. I want you to list your hot buttons. In seminars around the world, people often get emotional while doing this. The question is: “What makes your blood pressure rise?” or “When are you most likely to get upset in a negotiation?” Write down your answer in this space:

Acknowledging clearly and unequivocally what upsets you in a negotiation is a big step toward avoiding that situation. You recognize your own demons. You won’t get rid of your hot buttons, but you will know to push your pause button as soon as the other party exhibits a certain behavior. Does yelling bother you? If you are aware of that, you can push your pause button at the first sound of a raised voice.
At my three-day intensive negotiating seminars, I ask the participants to share their hot buttons with the group, and they always list a wide range of behaviors. Lying is always one of the first hot buttons mentioned. Many women dislike being talked down to. Everybody seems to have an aversion to yelling, vulgarity, and physical bullying, such as desk pounding. If the group is large, someone usually brings up a new irritant. You are not alone in having a hot button. You are part of the human race. Negotiators (and, in fact, humans in general) deal with many different emotions all the time. I will discuss the most common hot buttons that come up during (and often get in the way of) negotiating.

Dealing with Your Hot Buttons

2011-06-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

Everybody experiences emotions and responses. Just because you are involved in a negotiation doesn’t mean that you’ll remain cool, calm, and collected throughout. In fact, the more important the negotiation is to you on a personal level, the more likely it is to stir up your emotional responses. Of course, sometimes we forget that we have pause buttons — especially when someone else is pushing our buttons. For example, you ask a co-worker to do something, and she responds, “That’s not my job.” Feeling your blood pressure rise, you may be tempted to blurt out, “Well, it’s not mine either, blockhead!”
You may think this, but you needn’t say it. You have a pause button. When you push it, you realize that if you utter your first response, you won’t get the job done and you may alienate the co-worker. (Remember, friends come and go; enemies accumulate.) So instead you say, “I understand.” And you do: The person feels overworked and underpaid — don’t we all? Then you may say, “I know that you’re swamped, but this thing has to get done to meet the deadline. Can you give it any time at all?” And the negotiation begins. Now you have a chance of getting what you want. The ability to respond emotionally is a part of every healthy human being. When you feel emotions welling up inside you, having control means that you choose to use these emotions to your advantage, instead of allowing them to send you to the locker room in defeat or cause you to blow up. This section discusses the emotions that commonly arise in any negotiation — at home or at work — and suggests ways to handle them in yourself and others. To negotiate masterfully, you must stay in control of your emotions. This means having the confidence to take control in the first place and the skill to channel your emotions effectively as the negotiation progresses. You can usually do this — with one exception: when people or situations push your hot buttons. Hot buttons are stimuli that trigger a response of resistance and cause you to be tempted to go out of control.

Pushing the pause button to save lives

2011-06-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

The most dramatic example of good use of the pause button is during a hostage situation. Hostage situations arise in several different contexts. Sometimes hostages are taken to make a political point. Sometimes hostages are taken in an old-fashioned kidnapping for financial gain. The most common hostage situation arises because something went wrong in a robbery. With today’s swift communications techniques, officers often arrive on the scene of a crime as the perpetrator is coming out the front door, which sends the criminal running back into the building. When that happens, the scared criminal is trapped and has a brand new problem on his hands: the unplanned holding of whoever is inside the bank or store. The criminal doesn’t have time to figure out what a pickle he is in and usually thinks he has some terrific advantage. What happens in real life is that some highly skilled, well-trained law enforcement officials swoop in to negotiate for the release of hostages. The police have a simple mission: Do nothing to endanger the hostages or to prevent getting them out safely.
The television cameras generally focus on some cool cop trained for the task of lead negotiator. This person was typically trained at the twoweek FBI school in Quantico, Virginia. Where does all that cool come from? Truth is that no one can be counted on for constant cool. That’s why a member of the support team is in charge of the pause button. This member’s main task is to continually monitor the entire situation to be sure that all the officers keep their cool —no grandstanding, no heroes, just a lot of hard work. This officer insists on taking enough time to get the captor’s demands in detail. Without such a pause, a captor rarely thinks through and states demands so specifically. If the demands are laid out clearly, the negotiation closes successfully more often than not. The captor usually walks out with his hands over his head. Next time you see such a situation on television, try to find the person standing calmly near the lead negotiator. That person is probably the keeper of the pause button. Wouldn’t it be great to have one person in your life in charge of keeping the cool? But you’re on your own; you have to pack your own pause button. Don’t leave home without it.

If You’re Not the Only One to Pause

2011-05-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

Your awareness of the pause button sets you apart from other negotiators. But don’t worry if the other side is also aware of this technique. Don’t think of the pause button as a top-secret weapon because, when your negotiating counterparts have their own pause buttons, the negotiations proceed even more smoothly and come to a more satisfactory resolution. Sometimes you have the strong sense that the other person needs to push the pause button. Never say so in so many words. Instead, be very explicit about your need to take a break. Mince no words.

“I need a break.”
“You know, things are getting a little heated in here. Can I take five?”
“Let’s call it quits for a while. Can we get together tomorrow morning to pick this back up?”

Consider how non-threatening those words are. Contrast that approach with sentences that use the word “you” a lot. For instance, “Hey, pal, you really need to cool off. Let’s take a break.” No matter how you tone that sentence down, the other party will put up resistance or react negatively. When you request a pause, you should focus on your needs and wants, not the other side. When someone else asks for a break, be very cautious before you resist it. If a person needs thinking time or needs a moment to regroup, allow it. In fact, take a break yourself. But be alert. If you conclude, after one or two breaks, that the other party is unfocused or is not paying attention, you may decide to try to extend a session. You have to distinguish between the other party using a pause button and the other party just being restless or tired. Allowing the other party to push the pause button, or pushing your own pause button, makes the negotiating process more focused, effective, and pleasant for everyone involved.

Pausing under pressure

2011-05-31T08:27:00.000-07:00

Some negotiators use pressure to get what they want from you. They may impose an artificial deadline, use emotional “hurry up” language, or ask intimidating questions, such as “Don’t you trust me?” or “What else could you possibly need to know?” Don’t give in to these pressures. Tell whoever is bullying you into reaching a decision that if you’re not allowed to use your pause button, you’re not going to negotiate with him at all. Sometimes the pause button is your only defense against being pressured into making a decision based on someone else’s deadline.
Decisions made under artificial pressures — especially time pressures imposed by the other side in a negotiation — are often flawed, simply because the decision maker does not have sufficient time to consult that most personal of counselors, the inner voice. (Chapter 10 can get you in touch with your own inner voice.)
If you’re feeling pressure to reach a decision immediately, you can even push the pause button to assess whether you need to push the pause button. Take a few moments to consider whether the pressure for a speedy response is reasonable. Certain external circumstances do require immediate decisions. However, they are few and far between, especially in a business negotiation.

Pausing before a concession

2011-05-31T08:24:00.000-07:00

Every request for a concession calls for pushing the pause button. Your moment of reflection gives the concession some significance. You must treat the concession as significant, or you aren’t perceived as having made a concession — the other party doesn’t realize he or she has gained anything. No concession is unimportant. By emphasizing each concession in your own mind, you have not given ground for naught. This is not just an act. A pause, no matter how slight, before making a concession gives you an opportunity to be sure it’s the right thing to do in addition to giving the concession some importance. You want to be sure that you always have something left to give up in order to hold onto what is important to you.
The obvious and easiest example is conceding a price too quickly. Too often, a quick concession robs the other party of the good feelings that she rightfully deserves after making a good bargain. It leaves the other party feeling that she priced the article too low and that she could have gotten more if she’d been smarter. Although that may be true, what advantage is it to you that she feels that way? None. Worse, now she’s out to prevent that mistake from occurring the next time you negotiate, or she compensates by taking a hard line on another aspect of the deal. Giving a concession too quickly can have ramifications across the board.

Knowing When to Pause

2011-04-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

Your first practical opportunity to use the pause button arrives before you participate in the first session of a negotiation. Ask yourself whether you are as prepared as you need to be. Then, when the first sentence is uttered, you’re ready to listen because you have pushed that pause button. When you speak your first words, you are clearer for having taken that break. Use the pause button at each critical moment to review the negotiation or to decide when to close a deal. Definitely use the pause button whenever you are feeling pressured or under stress.
Of course, the pause you take is only as valuable as what you do during it. Ask yourself specific questions during these brief respites. Circumstances differ for every negotiation. Usually, you need to ponder a specific point. You may want to use the time to check over the other five essential skills in a negotiation:

Prepare: Do you need any additional pieces of information?
Set goals or limits: How close are you to your original goals? Is the shortfall acceptable? Are the limits you previously set still viable considering the additional information you have gained during the negotiation?
Listen: Did you hear everything the other person said? Did it match up with the body language? Do you need to go back and ask any questions?
Be clear: Do you wish you had expressed a point or an idea more clearly or directly? Try to answer this question from your counterpart’s point of view, not yours.
Know when to close: Can any part of the negotiation be closed now? If it seems like everyone is in agreement, have you had plenty of time to live with the final proposal before accepting it?

When you become conscious of pushing the pause button and what to do during the pause, such a quick review as the preceding one is almost automatic. Sometimes you are just giving your mind a break. Sometimes you are pushing the pause button for everybody involved in the negotiation, especially if things have gotten a little heated.
Parties can get caught up in the emotions of a negotiation. They’re afraid to lose face. They become angry or distrustful of the other party. They fall in love with the deal and ignore facts that are important to decision making —especially if the decision ought to be to walk away. They let their own moods, or the moods of the other party, rule the negotiating sessions, causing the negotiations to wander off course. These problems disappear when you use a pause button.
If you want to watch a negotiator with his hand firmly on the pause button, see the HBO movie Barbarians at the Gate. This film, based on a true story, stars James Garner as the president of Nabisco and depicts his efforts to buy the company. Unfortunately for him, another buyer — played by Jonathan Pryce — is better prepared and carries a pause button with him everywhere. Watch him make millions of dollars by delaying a deal one hour. This movie is a fast-paced, exciting lesson in high-stakes negotiating. What separates the winner and the loser are preparation and the effective use of the pause button.

Telling the Other Person That You Need a Pause

2011-04-28T09:26:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a different way of pushing the pause button. Sometimes, how you push pause depends on the situation. Here are some of the more common pause buttons you can use:

Ask for a night to think the negotiation over. Most people will respect your request to “sleep on it.”
Excuse yourself to the restroom. Who’s going to refuse that request?
For a short break, just lean back in your chair and say, “Wait a minute, I have to take that in.” For a dramatic touch, try closing your eyes or rubbing your chin.
In a business situation, having someone with whom you have to consult before giving a final answer is a convenient excuse for pressing pause.

Simply say, “I’ll have to run this by my partner (or family or consultants or whomever) and get back to you at 9 tomorrow morning.” So that’s the idea: Your pause button is anything you do to create a space so you can think over your next move. In chess, those breaks can take so long that competitive chess has rules about how long the thinking time can be. At the end of the time, a buzzer goes off. In a negotiation, nothing dictates the length of breaks. You have to fight to create the time instead of being forced out of time by an artificial time limit.

Checking with the boss: A classic that needs a little prep
If you plan to consult with your boss as a means of pushing pause in a negotiation, you should let the other party know that you don’t have final say. However, like everything else in a negotiation, don’t try to use this reason unless you have a boss whom you have to check with from time to time. Admitting early in the negotiation that you don’t have final authority is often beneficial. Make it clear that someone above you must approve the decision. That way, the other party won’t get angry with you. Working this information into the beginning of your negotiating formalizes the pause button and sets the tone for a thoughtful, considered negotiation.

Taking notes now for pauses later
Taking notes is helpful at many points in a negotiation, but note taking can also be a pause button. In fact, one of the best times to pull out your pen is when you need to pause. Writing down statements that confuse or upset you is an excellent way to push pause. Rather than blurting out an inappropriate or angry response, tell the speaker to hold on while you write down the statement. Asking the other party to check what you’ve written to be sure that you got it right can be enormously effective if the words upset you. The process of putting those words to paper almost always causes the other party to backtrack, amend, or better yet, erase the words altogether. You’ll find that most people don’t want their unreasonable statements on paper for all the world to see.

Defining the Pause Button

2011-04-28T09:22:00.000-07:00

Pushing your pause button is the best way to keep some emotional distance during high-stress situations — at home, at work, anywhere you need a little space. I teach this method in my negotiation courses to explain the concept that waiting is good — that doing nothing is sometimes the right action. I tell students, “If you’re getting stressed out, don’t just do something . . . sit there.”
Pushing the pause button just means putting the negotiations on hold for a moment or an hour or an evening while you sort things out. Everyone owns a pause button, so to speak, and everyone pushes it in a different way. When you push the pause button, you freeze-frame the negotiation — much as you freeze-frame a movie on the television screen with your remote control or on your computer. You step away, physically or psychologically, to review the work you have done up to that point and check over your plan for the rest of the negotiation. You take a break. It may be purely mental; it may be imperceptible to the other side; but you give yourself whatever time it takes to review matters before you continue. This focused review is a separate activity from the other basic elements of negotiation. It gives you an opportunity to regroup, catch your breath, and be sure that you aren’t missing anything. The pause button gives you that little bit of emotional distance that allows you to make the decisions you want to make in your business and your life.
Pushing the pause button gives you the opportunity to review the entire process of negotiating and to make sure that you aren’t overlooking anything. It allows you to avoid getting boxed into a corner. By pushing the pause button, you keep your emotions from ruling (and ruining) the negotiation.

How to Really Garble Communication

2011-03-30T08:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can talk all day about how to improve communication and people never get it. In the spirit of fun, here are some handy tongue-in-cheek tips for people who strive to be bad communicators, to stay unclear, and to keep creating quagmires and confusion in their lives.
Use these six little secrets to keep your life in chaos. Use them in business and at home to keep things in turmoil. These are also handy ways to ensure a high employee turnover.

Raise your voice
If you really don’t want to get your point across, just begin shouting or scolding. Either response prevents any further intelligent discourse. This rule is particularly important when a language barrier prevents someone from understanding you. When someone doesn’t understand your language, just talk louder. Loud communicates the same message to people all around the world. Loud is disrespectful. Loud characterizes someone you don’t want to do business with.

Leave out details
Details let the other person know exactly what you want or need. Leave the message fuzzy if you want to continue having bad communication. Details take time. You can shave valuable minutes off the average communication by leaving out the details. After all, it only takes a few hours to clean up most messes created by such an omission.

Don’t check to see if you were understood
This rule is very important for would-be bad communicators. If you spend time checking to see whether you were understood, all the other efforts you make to be a bad communicator can be thrown out the window. Don’t give the other person a chance to say, “I didn’t understand xyz.” Otherwise, you’ll have to clarify. If you want to be unclear, do your deed and skedaddle before anybody can ask any questions.

Walk away and talk at the same time
Toss your request, instruction, or demand flippantly over your shoulder as you are walking away from the person to whom you are speaking. Preferably, avoid looking at the other person during conversation. This technique denies virtually any possibility of being understood. And you haven’t wasted those precious seconds required to face the person you are talking to and make eye contact.

Assume that everyone understands you
If you are a bad communicator, you already know about the dangers of assuming information, but we thought we would remind you anyway about the most popular tool of the unclarity trade. Just send an old-fashion telegram when a detailed letter is needed.

Don’t permit any objections or questions
Heck, don’t permit any response. The other person may be taking up your time to understand the niggling information. Toss out whatever you have to say and cut off the discussion. Anything further would just help clarify what you are saying.

A slur of any kind

2011-03-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

We are well into the 21st century and, in the United States at least, negative comments about the race, gender, sexual orientation, or national origin of another person are no longer widely tolerated. Many people are concerned with being “politically correct.” There are those who are offended at any inquiry that could even identify these traits, such as “What kind of a name is that?” Unless you know differently for sure, steer clear of the most innocent of references unless they are relevant.
If the information is irrelevant, you should even avoid neutral statements such as, “The person was a woman” or “The man was from China.” You may receive an angry response, such as “Just what is that supposed to mean?” “Why did you mention that?” Worse yet, the person you are speaking to may think those thoughts without verbalizing them. This situation raises a barrier to communication that you won’t even know exists. Even if you are with a group that seems to be quite open about expressing whatever they happen to think or feel about another group, don’t join in. Be discreet. You never know who may be suffering in silence — feeling outnumbered and helpless.
Oh sure, you may be able to disparage all members of a certain group in the privacy of your own home with impunity. But even there, I urge you to curtail such comments. Those attitudes are too easily passed on to the young, and the slurs have a nasty way of showing up in conversation outside the home. The last thing you want in a tough negotiation is to let an offensive phrase slip out just when you want to close. You can lose the deal you are working on and the trust and confidence of your counterpart in the negotiation. Unwitting slurs can stop a negotiation in its tracks. You may be pegged forever as a bigot; and some people don’t negotiate with bigots. If you have some bad habits in this area, work on cleaning up your language.

“You’ll never work in this town again”

2011-03-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

This is a bully’s threat. Everyone has observed this bullying behavior. Once is enough. Threats never win the hearts and minds of the person you are attempting to persuade. In today’s litigious society, threats are not smart. “You’ll never work in this town again” used to be a stock phrase in the entertainment industry, uttered furiously by the tirading studio executive dealing with a recalcitrant actor or writer. An executive at Twentieth Century Fox once issued this threat to an actor who refused to accept a lesser credit than his contract guaranteed for work on a television series. The series ultimately failed, and, guess what? The actor was unemployed for several years. The actor sued Twentieth Century Fox, attributing his long period of unemployment to the studio’s threat. Who knows, he may have been out of work anyway, but given the threat, the jury sided with the actor and awarded an enormous judgment.
People in positions of power often get frustrated when someone of lesser status refuses what they view as a simple and reasonable request. Usually, the next step is a plea to “play ball.” Then some avuncular advice follows, such as “You know, you really would be better off helping us out of this one,” or “We’ll make it up to you on the next one.” When the person isn’t persuaded, the power player often pops a cork.
Good manners, common sense, and the growing body of employment law all favor the threatened person. Don’t resort to this tactic. You could lose the farm.

“Take it or leave it”

2011-02-28T07:31:00.000-08:00

Even when you are making your final offer, presenting the deal as a “take it or leave it” proposition is a mistake. Even if the other side accepts the offer, the deal leaves them feeling bad about the decision. Unbelievably, we have heard of people putting such an unpleasant tag on an offer that was otherwise okay. This label makes the offer sound bad even if the terms are reasonable. If you hear this phrase, evaluate the offer on the merits, not on the way it was delivered. Especially if you are a professional negotiator, figure out if the offer is acceptable based on what you want out of the negotiation. Don’t let a bad negotiating style confuse you. If you are negotiating for yourself, and you must continue working with your counterpart in this deal, you may want to consider whether you can maintain an ongoing relationship with a person who is bullying you with “take it or leave it” statements. If you are making a final offer, say so without using the antagonistic take-it-orleave-it phrase. If you are feeling frustrated and anticipating a refusal, push the pause button (see Chapter 12). When you are feeling that way, it is hard to calmly explain the reasons that this must be the final offer. You are likely to use this verboten phrase (“Take it or leave it”) or something similar. That approach hurts you in the long run because you look like a bully. And you don’t increase the chance of your proposal being accepted.

“I’m going to be honest with you”

2011-02-28T07:29:00.000-08:00

So has this person been dishonest all along? This cliché is the cousin to the phrase, “I’m not going to lie to you.” It makes you wonder, “Oh? Would you lie to someone else?”
William Shakespeare’s great line delivered by Queen Gertrude in Hamlet is, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” Shakespeare knew a great deal about human nature. When people loudly declare their innocence, they almost always lose credibility. Gertrude says that the Player Queen affirms too insistently to be believed. So those who are always reassuring you about their honesty probably aren’t being very honest with you.

Trust me

2011-02-28T07:28:00.000-08:00

This overused term is now the hallmark phrase in motion pictures for the producer who is not to be trusted. People who must say “trust me” are often the very people who don’t deserve to be trusted. When someone says “trust me” as a substitute for providing the specific details you requested, be very cautious. Ask again for a commitment. If the person balks, explain that it’s not a question of trust, but an acknowledgment of the fact that circumstances change. Explain that the agreement must be enforceable, even if the current negotiators are no longer accessible. You want an agreement so clear that you don’t have to trust the other person.

Phrases You Should Never Use during a Negotiation

2011-01-27T17:02:00.000-08:00

Clear communication is as much about getting rid of bad habits as it is about acquiring any new skills. As you look over this section, ask yourself whether you do any of the things that interfere with communications. Getting rid of those habits will serve you better than any new skill. The truth is, being clear requires periodic checkups like an annual physical. Everyone needs to look at this aspect of home and office life from time to time. Bad habits creep into communications rather easily.
Certain phrases go “clunk” against the ear every time you hear them. Here are some phrases that have little place in life, let alone a negotiation. When you hear these phrases, a yellow caution light should start flashing in your head. These phrases often indicate a situation that needs to be addressed. And if you hear one or more of these utterances come out of your mouth, stop immediately. Laugh about the slip or apologize, but don’t assume that the listener doesn’t have the same set of yellow caution lights that you do. Maybe the listener doesn’t, but you can’t take that risk.

Worst case: The deal closes

2011-01-27T17:00:00.000-08:00

When a lack of clarity is a major factor in a negotiation, the biggest disasters occur when the deal closes and no one realizes that confusion remains. When written contracts are to follow, a lack of clarity is usually caught by the lawyers during the drafting stage, and the ambiguity can be worked out. In a less formal situation, the confusion generally isn’t discovered until much later. When that happens, both sides feel cheated and misled. People are rarely neutral about the cause of miscommunications. Blame is never far behind the discovery that the two parties failed to communicate well. Each party feels intentionally misled. The acrimony often permanently damages the relationship between the parties. The fallout often damages reputations, too. The truth of the matter is that the results of an intentional lie and a mere miscommunication are often about the same. Preventing an innocent miscommunication is well worth the extra energy expended.

The prices you pay without even knowing

2011-01-27T16:59:00.000-08:00

Deals that don’t close are to be expected if you’re not clear during the negotiations. The harder item to assess is how the dynamic of the discussion changes when communications are not clear.
When you are not clear, the other party feels insecure. Rather than confront you on your lack of clarity, the person you’re negotiating with often just compensates in one of two ways:

Reciprocal obfuscation: That term simply means that the other party starts to be unclear, too. (I love the irony of using a hard-to-understand phrase to describe things that are hard to understand.) The other party doesn’t know where you stand, because you are not being clear. So, they won’t feel comfortable making a clear commitment either. This situation substantially slows down a negotiation and may make productive communication almost impossible.
Leaving lots of room to maneuver: If you are not clear, others won’t feel safe enough to tell you specifically what they want. Rather than commit to a position, your counterpart will leave lots of room to maneuver, until you clarify where you want to end up.

These consequences are almost impossible to detect. Instead, you begin blaming the lack of clarity or indecisiveness on the other party. If you run into one of these behaviors, see whether the problem didn’t start with you. Even if it didn’t — even if you are dealing with someone who is naturally unclear or reluctant to take a position — you can push that person to greater clarity or decisiveness by communicating more clearly yourself.

Deals that disappear

2010-12-30T18:26:00.000-08:00

A common example of lack of clarity occurs when one party intentionally makes an unrealistic opening offer. Early in the negotiation, one person throws out an outrageous opening offer although it is intended as a trial balloon, it is presented as though it were a reasonable offer or worse, as something for which there is very little negotiating room. If the offer doesn’t get the expected reaction (shock, disbelief, laughter, and ultimately bursting of the balloon), the person who made the offer often recounts, with great animation, that the other person “didn’t even bat an eye.”
Too much is made of the fact that a counterpart doesn’t faint when an unrealistic number is offered. What you don’t hear about so often is the follow-up. As I was writing this book, I purposely followed up every time I heard such a story. I tracked the negotiations to see the results. I was not totally surprised to discover that — in a majority of the cases — the deals fell through. In all but one case, the reason was an excuse other than the initial high demand, such as scheduling conflicts, changing concepts, and postponements. This little study of mine was not scientific in any way, but it provided interesting support for my theory. When you start with an opening offer or a demand that is well outside the reasonable range, the other side will often slink away rather than get involved in a futile negotiation.
It would be difficult to ascertain what percentage of negotiations never get underway because the initial demand was too high. I believe that it happens more often than most people suspect. The person who is turned off may never say a word to the party making the demand. Think of your own behavior. If you think the prices in a boutique are outrageous, do you say so? Or do you smile at the shopkeeper and say, “Just looking”?

The High Cost of Not Being Clear

2010-12-30T18:25:00.000-08:00

I realize that my clarion call for clarity flies in the face of advice you may receive from others who are not professionals in the area of negotiating. In fact, some say that ambiguity is the lubricant of negotiations. That saying not only prolongs a bad myth about negotiating, it has spilled blood, cost lives, and wasted millions of dollars, drachmas, and dreams.
The first Gulf War (Desert Storm) may well have been avoided if the diplomats had been clearer in the days just before the invasion of Kuwait by Iraq. President Saddam Hussein of Iraq wanted to destroy Kuwait for a number of reasons — all of which were good and valid to him. He was not prepared to take on the United States, let alone the entire world. Therefore, he met for several hours with America’s Ambassador April Glaspie. The ambassador said to Hussein, “We have no opinion on Arab-Arab conflicts, like your border disagreement with Kuwait.”
Astonishing.
The ambassador insists that there was more to the discussion than was printed in the transcript, but she doesn’t deny these comments. A disparity exists between the two parties’ renditions. Assume that each party related the events as accurately as possible. Obviously, they were not as clear with each other at the time of the original discussion as they were in the reporting of the discussion afterward.
Even Hussein’s telling of the tale indicates some lack of clarity regarding his intentions toward Kuwait. He never said his intention was to eliminate Kuwait from the face of the earth. On the other hand, the United States never even hinted at the kind of response that was ultimately invoked. Obviously, the communication was not clear. Clear communications may or may not have prevented the Gulf War. A clear message from the United States to Iraq may not have been believed. Perhaps Iraq was willing to wage war against the United States for some mysterious reason. The world will never know. However, documents show that within the month before the invasion, the United States communicated directly to Saddam Hussein in a way that caused him to think Iraq could cross the border into Kuwait without repercussions. If you ever question the wisdom of being clear, please think for a moment about the men and women who died in the Gulf War and their families who still miss them. Every war provides stories of the high human price paid for failed communications. In World War II, Japan actually intended to send us a two-hour warning before the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. The Japanese decoder at the embassy was out sick that day, and his replacement could not type. Consequently, the message wasn’t delivered to anybody in authority until after the fact.

General distractions in Negotiation

2010-12-30T18:22:00.000-08:00

Other barriers to clarity can be fatigue, laziness in preparation, or the clutter of distracting interruptions.

Fatigue: You may be just plain tired and unable to focus. Pay attention to your body’s signals. Sometimes a brisk walk outdoors revives you. Good nutrition and adequate rest are requirements for a master negotiator. If you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you can eliminate the need for cup after cup of coffee to stay alert. But, in a pinch, an occasional dose of caffeine works, too.
Laziness: You may not have prepared well enough and you are dreading being clear on some facts that are unsubstantiated. If this situation strikes a familiar chord, do your homework.
Interruptions: Your listener may be doodling or not making eye contact. The room temperature may be extreme. Noise levels may be too high for you to be heard clearly. Hopefully, you are assertive enough to request these changes appropriately.

If the conversation or negotiation is important, be sure that you are well rested, prepared, and in an environment where clear communications can be heard.

Fear of hurting someone else

2010-11-30T08:11:00.000-08:00

Often, people avoid hurting the feelings of others not out of compassion, but out of self-protection. Everyone wants to be liked; no one wants to be shunned. Toward that legitimate social end, you have probably learned to obfuscate with a vengeance.
I’ve developed some stock phrases to use after a bad play or a weak film when the producers cluster around to hear my praise. “Very interesting” is one of the most damning. “Brave” is good. “Top of the genre” is probably my noncommittal favorite. Sometimes, when a work is a “work in progress,” such vague statements are suited to your purpose of encouraging the creators. Such phrases are intended to mask the truth, and they do just that. Being clear and being confrontational are two different things. If you have bad news to deliver, do so with dignity and respect for the person’s feelings. Even if you feel, in every fiber of your being, that the person is overreacting to your news, don’t say so. Let the feelings run their course. But don’t flinch or amend your statement. Just wait. This, too, shall pass. Being clear in such situations takes strength and confidence. Never sacrifice clarity to avoid confrontation. Your desire to do so generally masks the real motive — which is to spare yourself the discomfort or trauma of delivering bad news.

Fear of rejection

2010-11-30T08:10:00.000-08:00

Everyone has a built-in fear factor. You may be afraid that if you present your ideas clearly, the listener will reject you or your conclusions. The natural inclination is to avoid rejection by blurring lines, being unclear, and failing to state your case accurately.
Instead, you postpone the inevitable. After all, when the listener eventually understands you, he rejects the concept with the added energy that comes from frustration. “Why didn’t you say so?” he asks. “Why did you waste my time?” he demands. These are tough questions to answer. If it is true that an accurate statement of intent would cause the deal to fall apart, being clear is even more important. When you close a deal without being clear, the parties have different understandings and expectations. You are finalizing a bad deal. In fact, you are closing a deal that cannot possibly work.

When You Have to Say No

2010-11-30T08:08:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, you just need to say no, and being as clear as possible should be your goal. Here’s how to do it without alienating someone. Tom knocks on top of your cubicle partition, leans in, and asks, “Got a minute?” Instead of glancing at your watch and saying okay with a martyred sigh, you look up and analyze the request. You see his lower lip trembling and his eyes filling with tears. You know he wants to talk about his divorce — again — and you have a report to finish. You recognize that this won’t be a 60-second interruption, no matter what he claims. You resist the reflexive hot button response, “In your dreams, pal,” because you depend on Tom in your job.
A rapport with him is a priority for you. Use the triple-A approach:

Acknowledge: Tell him that you understand how he feels and what he wants. “Tom, you look upset — it looks as though you need to talk.” This statement, which takes only six seconds to say, calms him because now he doesn’t have to work to make you understand his feelings. You have said, in essence, “I understand your priority — and it’s important” (another sentence that takes six seconds to say). We call this six-second empathy.
Advise: Let him know your priority — calmly and confidently. Say, “Tom here’s the situation. I have a report to finish for the boss, and it’s due in half an hour.” You have understood his need, and now you’re asking him to understand yours. Many people, when told of your priority, will back off. But not Tom. That’s why there’s a third step.
Accept or alter: Accept the interruption with time limits (“I can give you five minutes”) or suggest an alternative option (“I’ll come to your cubicle after I finish the report”).

This is the best way to say no. Use it as a model. You won’t always be able to achieve the ideal outcome described, but try to come as close as you can. With peers, you can suggest an alternative option, but what about with your boss? Tom will actually thank you and go away happy. With the boss, your best option is almost always to accept. The boss’s priorities are your priorities —it’s in the job description. However, don’t leave out the second step. Always advise the boss of your activities and priorities. Sometimes the boss is grateful for the information and withdraws the request or removes some of your existing obligations. Other times, you are expected to do all the work anyway. Advising puts the burden on the boss to say which task is to be done first.
Never skip that step.

Capturing an Audience

2010-10-30T23:18:00.000-07:00

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s all in the presentation.” The same applies to you. Clarity makes you a good presenter during a negotiation. Here are some tips to help you get through your next negotiation, when the spotlight is on . . . you:

Analyze your audience. Put yourself in your counterparts’ shoes. Try to understand their map of reality, and anticipate what outcome they seek from the negotiation. After you gauge what your audience wants, you can figure out how best to sell your ideas of the negotiation at hand.
Set your goal and keep it handy. Decide what outcome you would like to achieve as a result of the negotiation. Make sure that everything you say and do contributes to that outcome. Make sure that you stress your key points. Present your ideas and, if you are making a formal presentation at the beginning of a negotiation on a large project, consider giving your audience an outline of your presentation so they can follow along. They can follow your outline and use it to take notes. It also gives you a measure of control on what information they take away.
Do your homework. Research. Research. Research. Don’t start a negotiation knowing little or nothing about your topic. Anticipate questions, and make sure you have the facts to back them up (see Chapter 4). Always prepare so you’re ready for any emergency such as a well-aimed question from one of your counterparts. Preparation will give you reserve power. You want people to sit up and take notice. If you are going to make a formal presentation at the opening of a negotiation, be sure to practice. Practice until you know you are prepared to tackle any question thrown at you. Remember, your time in front of a group is your showcase.
Confidence is the key. Confidence is the key to being crystal clear. Remember, you have to be confident to show confidence. Have faith in yourself and your abilities. Think about how your presentation will help your audience to get what they want. Your goal remains fixed. Your job is to convince your listeners that your goal is something they want for their side also. Careful preparation provides the solid ground you need to support your self-confidence. Coach yourself. Tell yourself you can do it. Listen to your inner voice and tell yourself that you are more qualified than anyone else in room to give your presentation.
Plan your presentation. Make a list of all the points you plan to discuss in your negotiation. Group your topics of discussion into sections and put the sections in the order that best achieves your objectives. When you put your talk together, keep in mind why your audience would want to hear what you have to say. Their interest in your points is not automatic. Remember, they are there to convince you that their goals are just what you want, not vice versa. You have to work to get their attention. Never assume that they will automatically pay close attention to what you have to say.
Plan your format and delivery. Speak loud and clear. Don’t mumble. Don’t put your hand near your mouth, obscuring the sound of your voice. How you give your talk can be every bit as important as what you say. If needed, use your outline to guide you through your discussion. Don’t make your presentation monotonous. You don’t want to bore your audience. The most exciting idea in the world will fall on deaf ears if it’s presented in a boring manner. Conversely, audiences have been known to rally around some pretty lame ideas when they were fired up by a persuasive speaker.
Manage expectations. Communication is a two-way street. Before you begin your negotiation, be sure everyone in the room knows what to expect. They will arrive with some preconceived ideas. Your advance communication about your presentation needs to be clear to set the perceptions right so no one is confused or disappointed. Never take your audience for granted. People have very short attention spans. Not more than 15 percent of a person’s brain power is required to understand your language and grasp what you mean. Don’t let the remaining 85 percent of a person’s brain slip into a daydream. To keep your audience with you, make your message visual, build anticipation, create a conversation cycle. Keep your listener’s mind 100 percent occupied.

Too busy to be clear

2010-10-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

These important people don’t think they can take the time to be clear. They save minutes, but others may spend hours trying to figure out what they want and need.

Schedule meetings at the beginning of the day to avoid distractions and ensure everyone’s full attention.
Guard against interruptions; for example, request the person hold his or her calls for ten minutes in order to get information.
Be efficient in meetings — have a written agenda even for a two-person meeting. The agenda shows others how much you value the person’s time.
Show you are taking notes and recording comments.
Be appropriate but keep pressing for the details you need. Sometimes, you need to steer your boss to clarity.

The next time the boss slams papers on your desk and says, “We need this yesterday,” do the following:

1. Stifle the urge to answer “in your dreams.”

2. Answer immediately.
Respond with a positive, “Yes, absolutely — will do.” After all, this is the boss. And this reply will relax your employer because it’s what any boss wants to hear.

3. Ask for prioritization.
This step is essential: Because you are already fully aware of your priorities and the allotted time to accomplish them, answer, “Here’s the situation, Boss. I’ve got these other two priorities you want by 3 o’clock today. Which of these can be put off until tomorrow?” By following these steps, you have forced the boss to be clear. Your boss needs to prioritize — that’s a boss’s job. Sometimes your boss will go away without making any further demands, realizing that you are already working on important projects.

Steering Others to Clarity

2010-10-30T23:12:00.000-07:00

Nobody wants to be a bad communicator. Most people are insulted if someone tells them they are difficult to understand. At the beginning of my seminars, I discuss the basic skills needed in every negotiation. Then I ask students to rate themselves on these skills. I have never had anyone in any seminar describe himself or herself as a poor communicator — even those who say that communication is the area that they need to work on the most. When the other party is not being clear, your job is to steer that person toward concise communication. Don’t just toss them this book (although it may make a nice gift). Coax from your counterpart a clear statement of intentions, wants, and needs. Your technique for acquiring this information depends on the type of person you are dealing with. The following sections contain some tips for accomplishing this important task. Each section is devoted to a personality type you may encounter.

Tangent people
Some people are not clear because they ramble; that is, they go off on a tangent.
• Listen up to a point. You are listening especially for a good point to break into their discourse so you can bring them back to the topic.
• Be assertive when you interrupt. Not impolite, but firm.
• Your first statement should be a validation, “Yes, you’re right. Now, as to the purpose . . .” That’s how you get people with this type of communication pattern back on track.

Interrupters
These people even interrupt themselves. They lose their train of thought while they are speaking and tend to jump from point to point.
• Take careful notes while an interrupter is talking. But don’t write the ideas down in the order they are presented. Write a topic heading. Make notes, and when the speaker switches topics, leave a lot of space. Write a new topic heading and the notes. When the speaker switches back to a previous topic, go back to that topic section and continue your note taking.
• Concentrate and stay focused. This is hard work.
• Keep reminding the speaker of the most recent statement before the interruption. Don’t leave until you get a specific answer.
• Be appropriate but keep pressing with your own specific questions.

Unprepared people
Some people may have difficulty getting fully prepared for negotiations. For whatever reason, they never seem to have all the answers. You can do one of two things:
• Postpone the meeting.
• Conduct the meeting at the unprepared party’s office. Tactfully invite your counterpart’s support people who may know more about the subject.

Try being a journalist

2010-09-28T23:37:00.000-07:00

When you think of clear writing, the most common reference point is your daily newspaper. From coast to coast, there is a consistency in stories written for the newspaper that seems to cross regional lines, ownership, and size of the newspaper. You may find it odd that so many journalists write in the same style with the same degree of clarity.
Actually, every school of journalism in the country teaches students about the “five horsemen” of journalism: Who?, What?, Where?, When?, and Why? The journalist is supposed to answer these five questions in the first paragraph of a story. The next five paragraphs should each expand on the answer to one of the questions. The least important information appears at the end of the story. That way, if the story is too long for the available space in the newspaper, editors can just delete the end of story, and no important information is lost.
Look at a copy of today’s newspaper. Pick any story that interests you in the first section (or the news section if you read your daily paper online). I point you to that section because stories there are more likely to follow the traditional structure of news writing. Reporters depart from the structure in some of the special-interest sections, such as the sports or entertainment sections. As you read the first paragraph of a straight news story (especially a story from one of the wire services), notice how the reporter explains:

Who the story is about
What the person did to land in the news
Where the event happened
When the event took place
Why the event occurred

Read the last few paragraphs of the article and notice how trivial that information is compared to the first few paragraphs. Notice how the first few paragraphs after the lead paragraph are packed with important material compared with the information later in the story. Use the same technique, and you can’t go wrong. Remember: You’re providing the information your listener needs to know to achieve your goal. Organize the facts like a newspaper story.

Write it down

2010-09-28T23:35:00.000-07:00

The written word is often more useful than the spoken word when you’re trying to communicate clearly. When you have something to say, write it down, look at it, edit it, and make it right. When the words are your own, you don’t have to release them until they are as near to perfect as possible. Many people believe they can’t or don’t know how to write as clearly as they speak. This is rarely true. The simple fact is that when you write instead of speak the words, you can see more easily whether your message is unclear. You can see in black and white that the words are ambiguous or your thoughts are incomplete.
Also, the written word disallows such conversational crutches as “ya know what I mean?” When used as a rhetorical question, this phrase doesn’t clarify the issues. It moves the conversation deeper into confusion. The process of putting your thoughts into writing brings you face-to-face with your failure to communicate clearly. Rather than bemoan your lack of writing skills, open your eyes and say honestly — maybe for the first time in your life —
“Wow, I didn’t realize how poorly I have been communicating my ideas.”
Here are some basic tips to get you on the road to clear communication:

Use short sentences.
Use short words.
Avoid jargon and abbreviations — even when you are writing to another professional in your field — unless the other person uses these terms exactly the way that you do.
Complete your sentences.
Stick to one idea per paragraph.
Have a beginning, middle, and end to the overall communication.
Be accurate.

Don’t be afraid to number paragraphs to cover different points, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that numbering paragraphs brings order to a document that otherwise lacks coherence or good sense.

Keeping your commitments

2010-09-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

Being clear includes being consistent in the words you say and the deeds that follow. If you say one thing and do another, it’s confusing. Your inconsistent conduct turns an otherwise clear communication into a real puzzlement. Keep each and every commitment that you make during a negotiation. In life, keeping commitments is important; in a negotiation, it’s essential. Keeping your commitments is the acid test of clarity; it’s also the bedrock of trust. A notorious thief can look you in the eye and say, “I will have that assignment on your desk at 2 p.m.” If the assignment is there, the thief has gained your trust. On the other hand, if an honest person misses the 2 p.m. deadline, your trust in that person is diminished. If you tell the other party that you will call back at 9 the next morning, be sure to call at that time. Breaking your promise calls your integrity into question and creates confusion about what exactly you meant when you promised to call back at 9 a.m. Failing to keep your word also upsets the other party. Such inattention may be considered, debated, and evaluated by the other side. Their loss of trust may call into question side issues and create tensions that are counterproductive to a negotiation.
If you are negotiating with someone on behalf of a client or company, failure to keep commitments is harmful to you and the party you’re representing. This neglect can damage your relationship with your client or your standing within the company. Word often gets back about your unprofessional behavior. Professional negotiators are often falsely blamed for not returning calls or not providing documentation in a timely fashion. Don’t provide grist for that mill.

Cut the mumbo-jumbo

2010-08-31T19:11:00.000-07:00

Some concepts are, by nature, just plain difficult to grasp. Sometimes being clear requires creativity. For example, if you have many numbers to present, try putting them in graphs — bar, pie, or line charts — anything but reams of numbers. Keep the lists of numbers as a backup. By all means, oversimplify technical points at first — you can explain fully later in the conversation, after you have your listeners hooked. Also, define jargon and spell out acronyms. For example, I say, “I’m going to LAX,” and people from outside of Los Angeles may not know that LAX is the airport. People from New York head to JFK. You got it. It’s the airport. Avoid references that may leave your listener wondering what the heck you’re taking about. In written materials, footnotes and appendices serve the purpose of clarity. Do everything you can to make listening and understanding easy and enjoyable.

Know your purpose or goals

2010-08-31T19:09:00.000-07:00

When you know exactly what you want to say, communicating clearly is much easier. In the past, you must have had the urge to say, “So, what’s your point?” — usually with an exasperated tone. More often than not, a person who is asked that question looks surprised and fumbles for a good, onesentence answer. When the speaker doesn’t know the point, the listener is hopelessly lost.
In any communication, you should know the point and be keenly aware of the overall purpose or goal. Simply saying, “Oh, I just like to talk” is okay for recreational situations. But if you’re trying to get someone else to provide some action, approval, or acquiescence.

Tips for Being Clear

2010-08-31T19:07:00.000-07:00

A well-turned phrase always involves an element of art. You don’t have to be an artist to be clear. The flowery phrase is nice; the clear phrase is a necessity. Part of the beauty of a clear phrase is how accurately it hits the bull’s-eye; that is, how precisely it conveys your meaning. If you assign people to complete tasks for you at work, your first task is to clearly tell the person what you want him or her to do. Easier said than done. Getting results in the workplace has less to do with charisma than with clarity. For best results, take your time. If something is worth saying, it’s worth saying clearly. Here are some hints for maximizing clarity.

1. Set the climate.
Be sure you’re in a place conducive to concentration at a time when the assistant or co-worker can pay attention. Listen to your words as you set the tone. A harried manager may unwittingly say, “Now this is a simple, mindless task; that’s why I’m giving it to you.” Not very motivating.

2. Give the big picture.
Describe the overall objectives. People need to see where their part fits into the whole to feel like they are a part of the loftier goal.

3. Describe the steps of the task.
This is the meat of the delegation discussion. Sometimes these steps are already printed in an instruction or procedures manual. You still need to go over these steps, however briefly, to assure yourself that the employee is familiar with them. If the steps are not already written out, have the person write the list as you speak. This effort increases the probability of retention.

4. Cite resources available.
Point out where to find other references on the task, if any. Resources include anyone who has completed the task before, a general book on the subject, or a specific manual for your office.

5. Invite questions.
Even if you feel that you don’t have time to answer questions, the extra attention is worth the effort. Better to spend the time to explain a task up front than be unhappy with the results later. Invite questions with open-ended prompting such as, “What questions do you have?” not “You don’t have any questions, do you?”

6. Get the person to summarize his or her strategy for accomplishing the task.
This step takes guts on your part; you risk being answered with a defensive “Do you think I’m stupid?” Use this sentence: “Call me compulsive —
I need you to summarize how you will get this done.” When you take responsibility, you reduce defensiveness in the other person.

7. Agree on a date to follow up.
The deadline depends on the complexity and value of the task. You may need time and practice to develop the fine art of following up without hovering. You greatly increase the chances that the person will meet the deadline if he or she helped to set it.

When you speak, ask “Did I make myself clear?” Ross Perot’s line during his oh-so-brief presidential campaign was, “Are you with me?” Such questions often help both parties proceed more productively. “Did I make myself clear?” may remind the other person to listen instead of lazily replying “yes.” If the point is critical, you may ask the other party to repeat the information back to you just to be sure that you are communicating effectively. Assure your counterpart that repeating vital information does not constitute an agreement — just clarification.

P.R.E.P. for a presentation

2010-07-31T08:12:00.001-07:00

Before you can organize your thoughts, you need to assess what your listener needs and then find out how experienced he or she is with the subject matter. When you know that, you can figure out how much of your presentation needs to focus on general education — bringing the other person up to speed, as they say.
After you have taken care of these preliminary matters, you are ready to organize your thoughts. You can organize your thoughts in many ways, but the important thing is to do it. Here are my favorite three ways to organize a presentation.
The first way to get organized is by using the P.R.E.P technique. Use the approach: point, reason, example, point. It works because it’s so logical; you won’t leave anyone in the dust. Here’s an example:

My point is: Exercise is energizing.The reason is: It gets your heart rate up.
My example is: After at least 20 to 30 minutes of increased heart rate, you are more energized when you come out of the gym than when you went in.
So, my point is: Exercise is energizing.

The P.R.E.P. approach can definitely help you organize your material. Now, read the paragraphs about P.R.E.P. again. Note how I explained this concept using the P.R.E.P. approach. Mark the appropriate sentences with the letters P.R.E.P. for each of the corresponding ideas. This formula works with any presentation, from a five-minute informal chat, to a thirty-minute formal speech using many examples. The P.R.E.P. approach is a great way to get organized and be clear.

What Being Clear Means

2010-07-31T07:57:00.000-07:00

In many ways, clear communication is the other side of effective listening. Just as you cannot listen too well, there is no such thing as being too clear. You can be too blunt, too fast, and too slow. You can’t be too clear. Being clear does not mean that you reveal your position at the earliest opportunity or that you lay out your limits as an opening salvo. Being clear simply means that when you speak, write, or otherwise communicate, your listener understands your intended message. Sounds simple enough. Why aren’t more people successful at it?
If you have any doubt about what being clear means, watch Patton, the wonderful biopic starring George C. Scott as Gen. George Patton. The opening scene is an unforgettable example of clarity. He is exhorting the troops to battle. In fact, he is whipping them up with an unforgettable call to duty. It’s not just the words — as clear as they are. Scott reinforces his words with his tone, his stance, and the huge American flag behind him. Everything in the scene is consistent with his message. It couldn’t be clearer. Although General Patton’s personality often got in his way, he was never accused of not being clear. The reason more people are not good communicators is that most people communicate from this point of view: What do I want to tell my listener? How am I going to appear? What are they going to think of me? Not effective. Your point of view must be from the listener’s side of the communication. Ask yourself these questions: What does my listener need to know? What information does my listener need to make a decision? What is my listener’s knowledge of the subject? First, you must be clear with yourself about what information you’re trying to get across. Then you must know who the listener is, what filters are in place, and how to get through those filters so you can be understood.

Pre-buyer’s remorse

2010-07-31T07:27:00.000-07:00

If you experience buyer’s remorse before you even buy, stop everything. Ask yourself why you have reservations. What is the reason you don’t want to buy this boat? Is it that you’ll never use it? Or that you may move soon? Or perhaps because it’s not as big as your neighbor’s boat? Sometimes, you can resolve these reservations; other times, you can’t. Don’t go forward with a deal if your inner voice tells you not to.
Try to develop your ability to listen to your inner voice. It is the most important voice you can possibly hear. No one knows you better than you do. People who learn to hear their inner voice — unfiltered by reason or rationale — are always happier with their decisions (and thus less likely to experience buyer’s remorse) than those who are not able to do so.

Questionable deals

2010-06-26T21:41:00.000-07:00

If your inner voice tells you that you don’t want to make a deal, stop the negotiation. Relax. Examine that message. Either your subconscious will send you a more detailed message, or your conscious mind will work it out logically. Heed any strong messages that a given course of action is wise or unwise. Mold your conduct to that message. You don’t have to stand up in the middle of a meeting and announce to the assembly that your inner voice is telling you that the discussions are over. In fact, you may decide to keep the source of your decision to yourself. You should heed the message and begin to concentrate on closing the discussion. Wrap up the deal. Use the message without necessarily announcing it to the room.

Shady characters

2010-06-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

Although hardly anyone states it so bluntly, one thing you want to know about the other party in a negotiation is whether you can trust the information that person gives you. What is this person’s reputation for honesty and accuracy? If you are trying to negotiate efficiently, you must find out the general trustworthiness of the assertions from the other side.
Sometimes you hear that someone is not dishonest, just ignorant, inefficient, or inexperienced. These qualities may sound better than dishonesty, but they have the same consequence to you. As a negotiator, you can’t afford to blindly accept anything that such a person says to you.
A different but highly related issue is whether you can trust the client represented by the person with whom you are negotiating. Even if you trust the negotiator, you may feel that you need to be extra-careful in dealing with the party on the other side of the negotiating table.
The best advice I can offer is not to do business with a person you don’t trust. No lawyer in the world can protect you from someone determined to do you in, cheat you, or steal from you. No cop or security system in the world can protect your house from a sufficiently determined thief. President Kennedy once prophetically observed, “There is no Secret Service agent who can guarantee a president’s life, if someone is willing to give their own life in exchange.”
Sometimes you are forced to do business with someone you don’t trust. In such a case, be sure to focus on the parts of the contract that will protect you if something goes wrong. Decide where a lawsuit would be filed and in which courts. Your lawyer can be a big help here. Make provisions for when and how you can check the books for accuracy. In such a case, you must prepare a much more detailed contract than you normally would. Having clauses that protect you is always important in case you come to honest differences that you did not anticipate. Such clauses are the special province of an experienced attorney. For example, if someone is to pay you money under a contract, you want a fast and certain way to collect in case of default. The negotiator who does not consider this aspect of the deal is not doing a good job. Negotiating for big payments is futile if the payments are, as a practical matter, uncollectible. You may want to insist that all funds under negotiation be held in a special account until the contract is finalized. If you want to include clauses to protect yourself but can’t get the other party to agree, you must decide whether you want to do business with this person. Listen carefully to why the other party is not willing to provide certain mechanisms that put your mind at ease about payment. If that person insists on maintaining an unfair out, think twice before entering into the agreement. Be clear in expressing the importance of these provisions and why you must have them.
If everything else seems good about a deal, walking away based on these points can be difficult. The other side knows that and will often turn the issue into a trust test: “If you trust me, you’ll make this deal with me.” Look such a person right in the eye and say, “I trust you well enough to enter this deal. But I don’t know what good or bad fortune is going to visit you over the next year while I need steady payments. You may quit the company (or sell your business). You may get killed. I just don’t know what the future holds.”

Hearing two voices? You’re not crazy

2010-06-26T21:35:00.000-07:00

Be assured that you don’t have two different inner voices inside you. You only have one of these phenomenal subconscious centers. When people talk about conflicting voices within themselves, they are frequently experiencing their conscious mind testing the solution provided by the subconscious mind. Almost without exception, the solution provided by the subconscious part of the mind survives this testing, but the solution provided by the conscious part of the mind is easier to rationalize and explain. The conscious thought process can be reduced to words. Much of the “testing” of what is provided by your subconscious is your memory of voices from your childhood, mostly from your mother or father. Your inner voice tells you to go forth. A parental voice, indelibly etched in your memory, says, “Don’t do that. That is dangerous. You will fail.” As adults, we need to recognize the play of memory messages. If you are hearing those old parental warnings, look skyward and say, “It’s okay. I can do it. And if I fail, that’s okay, too. I need to try — for me.”
If the owner of that parental voice is still alive, look skyward anyway. Don’t act out this conversation with the real person. The last thing you need is a protracted discussion with a dubious critic at just the time you need to gather up your courage and embark on a new adventure. Inner critics aren’t all bad. Having an inner critic is good when you need that kind of feedback. Decide between your inner voice and your inner critic and do what is right for you.

Brainstorming

2010-05-30T20:29:00.000-07:00

Brainstorming is a great way to bring your inner voice to the surface. During brainstorming, you let all the ideas flow without editing or judging. You write down or say every idea that pops in your head — no matter how crazy it may be. This creative-thinking technique works because it helps to free you from fixed ideas. The intent is to get every possible idea out on the table. You can try brainstorming on your own — with a notepad and pen — but brainstorming almost always works better with a group because you can build on each other’s ideas.
After the idea fountain has run completely dry, stop. Give everyone a final opportunity to add something to the list. Be sure that everyone has articulated every idea that they could possibly have. Then take a little break to let people shift gears from the free-wheeling creative session to the practical job of narrowing the list to a manageable number of ideas. When you are ready, look through your list of ideas and choose the ones that you believe will best yield results during the negotiation process. This is best done by the same group that came up with the list in the first place. That way everyone is heard. No one has sour grapes later when his or her ideas don’t show up on the final list. And most importantly to the welfare of the group, an idea can be fleshed out and explained if the brief expression of the idea wasn’t clear to everyone. Sometimes a good idea doesn’t seem so good until it carries a bit of an explanation.
Take a look at Oliver Stone’s JFK. The film is one big brainstorming session. The film follows New Orleans D.A. Jim Garrison (played by Kevin Costner) and his obsessive investigation into the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. It’s like a collage of all the books and articles, documentaries and television shows, scholarly debates and conspiracy theories since 1963. We know the events by heart: the grassy knoll, the hobos in dress shoes, the parade route, Lee Harvey Oswald, Clay Shaw, the three shots, the eyewitness testimony, the gunpowder tests, Jack Ruby, the wrong shadows on the photograph, the Zapruder film, and on and on. Garrison and his team attempt to put all the pieces of the puzzle together to build a case against Clay Shaw, a respected businessman who is linked to various conspirators. Brainstorming sessions abound between Garrison and his team. It all builds up to the final courtroom scene. Consider the pivotal scene in which Garrison and his investigators sit in a restaurant, brainstorming facts and opinions for the trial. The scene is intercut with shots of the alleged fabrication of the infamous Time-Life photo of Oswald holding a rifle. The rules of brainstorming are clearly demonstrated in this scene. Everyone contributes; some ideas are shot down, while others are praised. As the group breaks up in frustration, the trajectory of the other sequence lands the photo on the cover of Life magazine. Was the photo fabricated? Who knows?

Quieting your mind

2010-05-30T20:27:00.000-07:00

If you want to get in touch with your inner voice, you must quiet your conscious mind. For some people, this involves a mind-relaxing activity such as running, walking, or fishing. Other people must sit quietly for a few minutes. Do whatever works for you in order to let those inner messages surface. Try meditation, which has been scientifically proven to increase mental clarity and thinking ability and integrate left- and right-brain functioning. Meditation also can improve physical, mental, and emotional health. If this is a new idea to you, you may have to practice. You have to work extra-hard to quiet your conscious mind until you get used to accepting the complete messages that come from the subconscious without explanation. As you do, the messages come to you more often and more clearly. Don’t be discouraged as you attempt this process, and remember that listening to your inner voice is a personal process. Your subconscious is your own storehouse of information, unlike anybody else’s. It’s where your entire life is captured. You can enjoy great success if you can use that information by following your inner voice.
The disadvantage of articulating answers and decisions brought to you by your subconscious is that you are unable to discuss the process that occurred or describe the logic that was used. You were not conscious of the process while it was occurring. You cannot explain the entire process to someone in the same way you can explain a conscious, logical path from problem to solution. The logic occurs too quickly and uses too many bits of data to explain rationally.
How many people in your life can question you about how you arrive at your decisions? The longer the list, the less comfortable you are with decisions that you cannot rationally explain. Very successful people have fewer people to answer to, which is one reason they can get away with intuitive problem solving. When the boss says, “I smell a rat!” nobody asks for a detailed analysis. Subordinates accept the intuitive process. “Put it in a memo” is simply not an appropriate response to the boss’s hunch . . . intuitive process . . . inner voice.
For a perfect example of someone getting in touch with her voice and then trusting it, see Little Miss Sunshine. This loopy, dark comedy of a road picture ends with 8-year-old Olive, played by Abigail Breslin, having to decide whether to compete in the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant. Her father and brother are passionately telling her not to do it. Her mother is telling her to go ahead with it. The camera pulls in tight on Olive’s face. She goes quiet for a moment. You can actually see her mind going quiet as she gets in touch with her inner voice. Then she makes her decision and follows through on it.
The scene is a good demonstration of the process of quieting your mind so
you can hear your inner voice, and it shows how the inner voice can be used
by anyone at any age in any situation.

Your Brain and Negotiation

2010-05-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

No, this isn’t a biology textbook, but by understanding how your mind works, you can manage your thoughts and become a better negotiator. Research on brain theory helps explain why some people are good managers but weak leaders. Research indicates that the brain is divided into two halves: the left and right half. These are called hemispheres. Each hemisphere serves a different function, processes different kinds of information, and deals with different kinds of problems. The left hemisphere works with logic and analysis; the right works with emotions and imagination. The next time you enter into a negotiation, remember the two most important aspects of the brain when it comes to persuading another person: Your brain stores information in your memory, and it processes this information to make decisions and solve problems. How you process information determines what type of decision maker you are.
People can be tested to determine how they process information. Based on their test results, they can be categorized into different types of decision makers.

The conscious and subconscious mind

2010-04-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

The mind constantly processes millions of pieces of data quickly and efficiently. The brain feeds the results into a storage device unmatched by any filing system in the world. The conscious mind uses this data for speech, recognition, and every other human activity. The actual processing of the information, however, is completely outside our conscious experience. We are unaware of the process because it is subconscious. This subconscious realm is the source of your dreams. The meaning of dreams is not always obvious, especially to the layperson. Psychiatrists are so interested in dreams because dreams are like windows to the subconscious mind. When you go to sleep, your conscious mind quiets down. Messages, in the form of dreams, barrage you from your subconscious mind, not because your subconscious mind becomes more active, but because your conscious mind becomes less active.
The phenomenon is much like viewing the stars in the heavens. People say, “The sky is full of stars tonight.” In fact, the number of stars in the sky hasn’t changed. You just can’t see them when the glare of the sun obscures them or when the night’s cloud cover conceals them or when the city lights dim them. Remove those things that blanket them with light or physically obstruct their light and millions of stars are visible to the naked eye. Take a place like Death Valley in California. You can walk by the light of the stars even if the moon isn’t visible. It is amazing. The stars are visible because no buildings or trees or light sources block or wash them out.
When you fall asleep, your conscious mind also takes a rest. The noisy thought processes of your conscious mind no longer block out the activity of your subconscious mind. Your dreams are a product of this activity. Sometimes, your demons come tripping out. The welcome and unwelcome activity of your subconscious mind plays out much more vividly at night than during the day because your conscious mind is not busy blocking it out. The brain scans millions of pieces of data at lightning speed (and maybe even faster). The result is fed to the speech and reasoning centers of the conscious mind. Only then are we aware of the process and only then can the results be put to use.
For example, someone may say to you, “Hi, how are the kids?” By the time your response arrives at the speech center, a great deal of information has been processed, evaluated, and accepted or rejected. This has occurred without interference from the conscious mind. In fact, your speech center may be otherwise engaged even as the recognition process is occurring. Your conscious mind goes on with the talking while your amazing subconscious brain gives you a final answer to the person’s question. Your processing centers have done all the work — without words, without anxious thought. The process is almost instantaneous and highly accurate because no data is overlooked.
This speedy, subconscious processing of massive amounts of data is what really goes on when we resonate with a hunch or an intuitive feeling about something. Many people develop this aspect of their brains, either by accident or by design, to a very high degree. However, everyone’s brain functions in this way.
If you did not have a subconscious that could send such messages, you could not function in the world. You would have to be institutionalized. If you can read this book, you can read your subconscious. Unfortunately, no one teaches you how to read those messages in school. Readin’, writin’, and resonatin’ is not currently the accepted grade school curriculum. Although this discussion of the phenomenon is hardly complete, you may feel more trusting next time your subconscious provides an answer to a complicated problem.
Cameron Crowe’s Jerry Maguire is a wonderful film about negotiating in business and in your personal life. It is also a film about listening to your inner voice. The film opens with Jerry Maguire (played by Tom Cruise) realizing that the cutthroat world of representing professional athletes isn’t all he imagined. Jerry has a beautiful girlfriend, a successful career, and lots of money, but his inner voice tells him that something is missing from his life. So Jerry spontaneously writes a stirring, visionary statement for his sports agency and titles it, The Things We Think And Do Not Say: The Future of Our Business. Not everyone accepts the statement, and he is unceremoniously fired from the agency. Stripped of his job and a good measure of his identity, Jerry embarks on a journey of self-discovery that leads him to greater personal and professional success all because he listened to his inner voice at the start of the film.

Prepare for the bluff

2010-04-26T16:32:00.000-07:00

Most adults have the art of “faking it” pretty well perfected. People are prone to hide their real feelings in a business setting. Negotiators may display all the signs of accepting a deal, although their true reaction is quite the opposite. When you think the other side is accepting your proposal, try to close the deal. That provides a good check on your reading of the other party’s body language. If you can’t close, what you observed was something other than acceptance. Don’t be fooled the next time you see the same reaction from that person — and keep trying to close. Smiles are almost always an expression of happiness. However, society sometimes requires a smile when the soul is not happy. The mouth drawn tightly and obligingly back reveals a devotion to duty more than merriment. And a half-smile (one corner of the mouth crooked upward) reveals a wry feeling of superiority — like the smile on the face of the bad guy just before he shoots the good guy in an old Western.
Most of the differences between the body language you see and the intended spirit of the communication are accidental. These differences are generally not the result of a sinister plot. The impact on you will be the same if you are misled. This chapter helps keep you from being misled by body language that is different from the message of the spoken word. When you make such an observation, don’t assume that the other person is intentionally trying to mislead you.

Don’t Believe Everything You See

2010-04-26T16:28:00.000-07:00

Body language augments rather than replaces the spoken word. The meanings of certain actions or gestures can vary depending on the circumstances and the individual. Consider these examples:
Sitting erect may indicate a stiff bargaining position, or it may indicate a stiff back. Stay alert to the body language, but combine your observations with the spoken words to determine the correct meaning.
Gestures of anger are used when a person is genuinely angry; however, these actions can also be employed for effect. Some executives (especially in the entertainment industry) are notorious for using such gestures. But keep in mind that some people are just blustery by nature. Evaluate body language cautiously, just as you do all the other information that comes to you during a negotiation.

Different strokes for different folks
No matter how much you know about body language in general, don’t grow overconfident when applying your knowledge to a specific person — especially someone you don’t know very well. Each individual has unique body language. A child can tell when a parent is really angry, even if the body language that parent uses to indicate serious trouble is the opposite of what the general public uses. For example, although silence usually indicates that a person is calm, some parents clam up when they’re angry. In such families, the children soon learn that silence means real trouble is looming.

Consider the context
As you become more sensitive to body language, you become more conscious of the differences in the meanings of gestures. A clenched fist usually represents anger. Held firmly above the head, it can be a symbol of quiet rage. Pumped up and down, especially if the person is also jumping and squealing, a clenched fist can be an expression of extreme joy.

Wearing your confidence on your sleeve

2010-03-25T07:44:00.000-07:00

During a negotiation, projecting confidence is important. A lack of selfconfidence can result in nervousness. If your body language reveals that you are nervous, your counterpart may deem that you’re not secure enough to maintain a strong position in the negotiation. This person may be less inclined to compromise on the terms in an effort to reach an agreement. In addition to making sure that your body language expresses self-assurance, you can also benefit from being able to gauge your counterpart’s confidence level. This awareness of the other party’s strength as a negotiator can help you determine your own goals, limits, opening offers, and attempts to close the deal. Watching body language is the key to assessing your counterpart’s degree of comfort during the negotiation.
Just like children, adults who get nervous tend to fidget in their chairs (although this behavior can also indicate boredom or preoccupation with other matters). Nervous fidgeting can also include putting hands into the mouth, tugging at clothing, jingling change, fiddling with items in a purse, or fondling any personal object. When people are nervous, they often increase their distance from those they are negotiating with. Nervous people frequently verbalize their condition without using words through throat clearing, oral pauses, or guttural sounds. Confident people may place their hands in a steeple position (touching the fingertips of both hands together to form what looks like a church steeple). Sitting up straight and using frequent eye contact also shows confidence. Someone who is confident physically sits on a level slightly higher than anybody else. Propping your feet up is not just an expression of confidence, but an act of claiming territory. If you can put your feet on something, you own it.

Ferreting out boredom

2010-03-25T07:40:00.000-07:00

One of the most important body language messages to look for during any conversation, but especially in a negotiation, is an indication of boredom. Looking out the window, holding the head up with one hand, doodling in a way that seems to absorb the doodler’s complete attention, drumming fingers on the table — all these indicate that the listener is no longer paying attention. What should you do if you notice that the other party in your negotiation is showing signs of boredom? People who are losing interest may be shifting in their seats, fidgeting, or pointing their feet toward the exit. Don’t start speaking louder or faster, as you may be tempted to do. Instead, say, “Wait. I need a reality check. I’m sensing that I’m losing you. What’s happening?” And then listen. You may find out what’s really keeping this person or group from accepting your idea. Doing a reality check can save a great deal of time and win you respect as a person who is perceptive and willing to risk hearing the truth. This fact alone makes huge points in your favor during any negotiation.

Seeing a change of heart

2010-03-25T06:57:00.000-07:00

Observing how someone is sitting or standing is only the first step in reading body language — after all, people aren’t frozen in time like statues. They move; their positions and gestures change with their attitudes and emotions. Notice these shifts. They are important. They may mean that the person is getting restless, or they may mean a shift
up or down in the person’s acceptance level.
As someone’s acceptance of your ideas grows, you may notice the following indicators:

Cocking the head
Squinting the eyes slightly
Uncrossing the legs
Leaning forward
Scooting to the edge of the chair
Increasing eye contact
Touching the forehead or chin, as in the statue The Thinker
Touching you (if the movement is to reassure, and not to interrupt) Just as you can gauge increasing acceptance to your ideas by watching body language, you can also notice signs of increasing resistance to your ideas. For example, if someone clutches the back of his neck with his palm, you can interpret this gesture quite literally as, “This message is a pain in the neck.”

Here are some other gestures of resistance:

Fidgeting nervously (cannot accept what is being said)
Reducing eye contact (cannot accept what is being said)
Placing hands behind one’s back (indicates an attempt to stay in control of one’s own self — resisting the urge to act out verbally or physically)
Placing a hand over one’s mouth (may indicate an attempt to hold back a negative comment)
Locking ankles
Gripping one’s arm or wrist
Crossing the arms in front of the chest
Squinting one’s eyes dramatically
Making fistlike gestures
Twisting the feet or the entire body so they point to the door

Showing that you’re receptive

2010-02-25T05:09:00.001-08:00

If you pay attention to body language early in a negotiation, you can spot signals of how receptive (that is, how ready to listen and how open to your ideas) your counterpart is. Consider eye contact, for example. Research shows that, during conversation, people look at each other between 30 and 60 percent of the time. A listener who meets your eyes less than 30 percent of the time is probably unreceptive. If eye contact is made more than 60 percent of the time, chances are the listener’s attitude is positive.
Receptive people look relaxed with open hands, displaying the palms, indicating an openness to discussion. The more of the palm that is visible, the greater the receptivity of the person. They lean forward, whether they are sitting or standing. Receptive negotiators unbutton their coats. Public television’s Mr. Rogers always removed his sweater, exemplifying the body language of an open, honest person ready to listen to what you have to say.
By contrast, people who aren’t willing to listen may keep their hands on their hips, lean back in the chair, or protectively fold their arms across their chest. People who aren’t receptive clench their hands into a fist or tightly grip some other body part. Having one leg up on the arm of the chair often appears to be an open posture, but watch out, this position may signal a lack of consideration, especially if the office doesn’t belong to the person demonstrating this behavior.
Studies show that parties are more likely to reach an agreement if they begin a negotiation displaying receptive body language. This result appears to be true whether the stance was an unconscious decision or a contrived strategy for beginning a meeting in a positive manner. In addition, the defensive postures are also contagious. If one person assumes a defensive posture and holds that position for any period of time, you can actually watch others in the room adopting the same position. It’s amazing but true. Body language is contagious.

Making the first contact

2010-02-25T05:01:00.000-08:00

One of the best ways you can begin a meeting is with great body language. Let your enthusiasm and energy show. Stick out your hand. Meet the other person’s eyes and give a good, firm handshake. If you don’t own a good handshake, develop one now. This skill is not difficult, but many people don’t shake hands well. Let the flesh between your thumb and forefinger meet the other person’s flesh between the thumb and forefinger. Press — do not squeeze —the hand. One pump accompanied by eye contact is plenty. One or two more may express great enthusiasm; any more than that can make the person uncomfortable.
Today, the landscape for making the first contact has broadened. For instance, women greeting women in America can touch both hands at the same time as an alternative to a handshake. A hug, even in a business meeting, is appropriate if the relationship between two people warrants this familiarity. Increasingly (especially in Hollywood), hugs between men and women, or two men or two women who know each other, are common. A classic male show of power is to shake hands in the normal fashion and reach with the left hand to also grip the man’s elbow. Watch old tapes of President Clinton who routinely used this two-handed greeting when he was president. However, as you begin taking more careful note of body language and how people relate to each other, you will notice that the space between two people still reveals a lot about the relationship. As you can see in Figure 9-1, friends may stand a foot apart, but you would not stand that close to someone you were being introduced to for the very first time.

Knowing where to stand

2010-02-25T04:57:00.000-08:00

One of the most important observations you can make about a room full of people is the personal space each person commands. During conversation, for example, people don’t lean closely into the space of an important person they think has greater standing than they do (either in wealth, influence, power, or social status). In a study of personal space, rooms of unsuspecting subjects were photographed and later identified. Without fail, the more powerful people are accorded greater personal space by the other people in the room.
Spatial relationships come into play when you set up a room for a meeting. Almost intuitively, people know that an important negotiation warrants a table large enough to keep a formal distance between people. If someone must dominate a meeting, that person is seated at the head of the table. Control over the dominant chair may be the most obvious and enduring sign of power both in the workplace and at home. Seating in a meeting is important, because once the spatial relationships are established, they are not easy to change. Take a moment before your next meeting and think about what relationship you want to establish with the other attendees. Arrange the seating accordingly. Watch the Coen brothers’ comedy The Hudsucker Proxy for one of the more blatant examples of power defined by the seating position during a meeting. The film is about a mailroom clerk, played by Tim Robbins, who finds himself thrust into the presidency of Hudsucker Corp., run by a brazen Paul Newman. In the boardroom scenes, Newman’s character stands at the foot of a very long and glistening conference room table, his position of control never in doubt.

Using Your Knowledge of Body Language in Your Next Negotiation

2010-01-28T05:39:00.000-08:00

From the moment you walk into a negotiation, you should observe the body language of everybody in the room. During the negotiation, keep observing your opponent’s body language. Focus on the four channels: face and head, arms and hands, legs and feet, and torso (see the “Everybody’s Bilingual” section, earlier in this chapter). When you are so focused on the total person who is talking to you, you will listen better. Your observations of body language will help you pick up unstated nuances such as what items are more important, and what items are less important to the other side. Complete shifts in body language during a negotiation can be more telling than isolated signals. These shifts reveal that an issue is vitally important or is causing stress to the other party. For most of the negotiation, your counterpart will stay in the same general position. Notice any shifts from that position. These movements may very well indicate that the person you are dealing with has changed in attitude in some way. Being aware of this body language can be particularly important if the other party _ Feels that you are talking about a sensitive issue.

Is losing interest.
Needs a break or a stretch.
Is turning off to your arguments.

Watch that body language! It can be like a traffic signal. The shifts in body language can be yellow caution lights telling you to proceed slowly, look, and listen. In the extreme, they are red lights telling you to stop! Stop now! Don’t go further without taking a break. They can also be green lights telling you to go in for the close.
Don’t ignore nonverbal signals. You may even want to include your observations in your written notes just as you include spoken words. This record helps build familiarity with the other person’s unspoken vocabulary. Everybody uses body language differently.

Emphasizing with body language

2010-01-28T05:38:00.000-08:00

Pound the table. Wave your arms. Jump up and down. These are a few of the classic ways you can use your body to emphasize communication. It’s the equivalent of scrawling something in all caps and red letters. However, save these demonstrations until you need them.
If you use loudness throughout a negotiation, the added volume carries no special meaning when you really need it. You just seem bellicose. The late, great Johnny Carson used to refer to his lawyer as Bombastic Bushkin. The tag fit, and it stuck. Soon, no one around this particular lawyer paid much attention to the bombasity.
I once went into a print shop with a rush project. The owner slapped a big red sticker on the order. It felt good. He threw my project on a stack of work. Everything in the stack had the same red sticker. My heart sank. The red sticker lost all its meaning. Raising your voice too often has the same result. The key to emphasis is a change from the norm. Body language always involves a cluster of movements. It should naturally be tied into voice levels, tempo, and loudness. Sometimes, you can create extra emphasis by exhibiting body language that runs counter to the communication. For example, you may lean forward and quietly, slowly say that you are very, very angry. Here the emphasis is created just as powerfully — maybe more so — than if you had been yelling at the top of your lungs. Surprises can occur in any negotiation. Generally speaking, however, you should know going into a negotiating session what will and won’t be important. Hold back your emphasis until you get to the stuff that is really important to you. This strategy is why a good negotiator lets the merely annoying issues slide by and saves the emphasis for the truly important points.

Blind spots in Body Language

2010-01-28T05:24:00.000-08:00

If you get conflicting verbal and nonverbal messages from someone, but that person denies that a discrepancy exists, you are witnessing a blind spot —something you know about others that they themselves are not conscious of. Blind spots cause miscommunications and resentment. In a negotiation, if you suspect the other party has a blind spot, you need to take frequent reality checks. Check out your understanding with your counterpart’s body language. You may even begin with the statement, “I need a reality check.” Then go right into your reading: “I sense I have lost you,” or “I sense we should take a break.” If you take responsibility for your need, your counterpart is less likely to be defensive, and you are more likely to get truthful information. This way you may get at your opponent’s true feelings. Sometimes you even uncover some underlying interests. Most people have at least one blind spot: one area in which they don’t really know how their words or actions are affecting people. Blind spots are like bad breath — everyone knows except the person who has it. The best way to find your own blind spot is to invite feedback. If the blind spot belongs to another, you need to ask the person if he or she wants your feedback. If the response is no, believe it. You may need to find a higher-up to deal with the issue — someone the individual must listen to.

Positive words but negative body language

2009-12-29T05:45:00.000-08:00

Many employees complain that their supervisors give mixed messages with body language. The words are positive, but the body language is negative. For example, your boss calls you in for a meeting. She says, “Good morning,” and begins to discuss your recent improvement in punctuality. However, her arms are crossed at the waist, and her head is angled away from you so that she’s looking at you sideways. You know that these are negative signals. If you have the guts, you may venture, “It looks to me like something may be bothering you.” Your boss may be forthright about her annoyance, or she may pound a fist on the table and deny her true feelings with a sharp reply, “What makes you think anything is bothering me?”

The nervous laugh

2009-12-29T05:43:00.000-08:00

One of the most common examples of body language not matching the situation is the nervous laugh. A laugh that is not a reaction to anything humorous signals nervousness or discomfort. In fact, it’s a dead giveaway. If you hear a nervous laugh, let a few beats go by and then turn directly to the source of the laughter and encourage that person to verbalize his or her feelings. Depending on the situation, you may say: “Ben, how do you feel about the pricing structure?” or “Ben, how do you feel about adding Leslie to this team?” Often, the person won’t admit to having any concerns. You know better. Keep probing. You may have to return to the subject a few times, rephrasing your request until the truth comes out.

Interpreting conflicting messages

2009-12-29T05:39:00.000-08:00

Reading the body language of another person is not a trick to gain advantage. It’s a tool to improve communication. People who are exhibiting incongruous body language are frequently unaware of the fact that their spoken words and their true feelings, as revealed by their body language, are not consistent. By drawing out those differences and reconciling them, you have done a great service for your side and for the person with whom you are negotiating. If you pick up an incongruity between what a person’s body is saying and what that person’s mouth is saying, you can assume that something is going on. You want to take a reality check and start asking the person questions about what he or she is thinking and feeling. It’s usually one of the following:

The person is unaware of his or her effect on others.
The person’s body language is expressing a hidden agenda.
The person is too tired or is confused.

I remember sitting in a theater watching the film Basic Instinct for the first time. In the film, Michael Douglas plays a San Francisco cop who is fatally attracted to a key suspect in an ice-pick murder. The suspect is played by Sharon Stone, in a star-making performance. Audiences gasped during the now infamous interrogation scene. I gasped too. Watching the film again recently, I was reminded that the interrogation scene is a good example of how body language can cause conflicting messages. In the scene, Douglas and his fellow cops interrogate Stone. She twists and manipulates her words, shamelessly toying with the cops’ libidos. Instead of nailing his suspect, Douglas is entranced by his femme fatale and eventually falls for her scheming ways. Stone is calm and collected during the entire scene, using her body language in a risqué fashion to successfully manipulate the situation.

Reading someone else’s body language

2009-11-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

Being able to accurately read the true attitude and feelings of someone across the table can be enormously important. Seldom do you see adults physically clap their hands over their ears to avoid hearing something, but people have other ways of signaling that they aren’t listening, such as allowing their eyes to wander or attending to an unrelated task.
Disney released a wonderful film called Frank and Ollie about a couple of the world’s greatest observers of body language. Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston were two of the original animators of such classics as Cinderella and Bambi. This film shows them mimicking various elements of body language to communicate feelings and then making sketches of their own movements. Watch this movie as a primer on body language; it illustrates the points of this chapter better than all the words ever written on the subject. The ability to read a person’s body language enables you to adjust your approach to that person. Based on what you learn about the other person’s mood or attitude, you can temper your own words and actions appropriately — for example, you can calm down someone who’s agitated or perk up someone who’s bored.
Discover how much fun you can have reading the body language of others. The more you practice this skill, the better you will be at negotiating. The next time you go to an event connected to your work, pause a moment at the door. Instead of looking for someone you know, look over the room. Identify the more influential people. Try to distinguish who wields power. Who are the employers? Who are the employees? What differences in body language make social status apparent? If you’re at a social gathering, see if you can spot very outgoing people. Who is shy? Are any of the couples fighting?

Matching your body language with your words

2009-11-26T08:22:00.000-08:00

Don’t mix and match when it comes to your body language and your spoken words. Even people who haven’t read this book draw meaning from your body language when you speak. People expect corresponding body language to accompany verbal messages. Inconsistent communications from you will throw your listener off, even if the person has never heard the phrase “body language.”
When you’re speaking, be sure that your body language matches your words, if you want your words to be believed. If you are enthusiastic about a project, show that enthusiasm in your body. Don’t recline relaxed on the sofa. The message of disinterest communicated by your body will be remembered far longer than the words of interest that come out of your mouth. Several reasons may explain why your body language may not match your words.

You’re having an energy drain. When you’re tired, keeping your body properly expressive takes extra energy. Think about the potential positive outcome of your negotiation session. It may provide you with a boost of adrenaline, allowing you to get through the negotiation energized instead of drained. Feed the left side of your brain with positive thoughts and don’t lose a deal because your tired body says, “I don’t care one way or another.” You can always stand up or walk around. If you have to, step outside for a moment to reignite your energy.
You’re not concentrating on the communication of the moment. As you read about body language, you will notice that many gestures, movements, and mannerisms indicate that a person is actually thinking about a matter other than the current topic of conversation. If you find your mind wandering, the other side will quickly see it in your face. Ask for a break so you can make a phone call and clear a concern out of your mind. When you’re in a negotiating session, be sure that you are in the session with your heart, mind, and soul. Your physical presence may be much less important than your mental presence. Athletes call it “being in the zone.”
You have developed bad communication habits. Some classic comic sketches illustrate this point: The disgusted spouse utters a terse, “Fine” with lips clamped tight. This reaction lets a partner know that things are anything but fine. And then there is the smiling letch leaning in for the kill who says, “Why, I wouldn’t hurt a fly.” In both of these examples, the body language trumps the spoken word. The listener gets the nonverbal message much more clearly than the verbal message. If you have any mannerisms that project a different meaning from the words you are uttering, work on breaking the habit.

What Our Bodies Can Say

2009-11-26T07:54:00.000-08:00

Verbal and written communications are not the only elements of communication in a negotiation — or in life. Good negotiators only get better when they draw meaning and insight from the way a person stands or sits, the way a person dresses, or the panoply of facial expressions that play out during a conversation. That’s why, in my negotiation seminars, I say, “Listen with your ears, your eyes, and every pore in between.”
Different nonverbal communications are associated with different attitudes. Becoming savvy to these relationships can put you at a great advantage. As a negotiator, you have two distinct tasks:

Make sure that your body language expresses the message you want to send. Your body language needs to be consistent with your words.
Read the nonverbal signals of the person with whom you are negotiating. You need to recognize when someone is sending conflicting words and actions, and when someone’s gestures add emphasis to the words.

When you become a student of body language, you quickly realize that gestures come in packs. Rarely does anyone invoke one random gesture to the exclusion of all others. Rather, there is a symphony of sight and sound, all working together.
Charmers aren’t necessarily the best-looking people in the room; they are the ones who have a command of body language. When such a person focuses on you, you definitely know that the person is interested; the attention can almost make you blush. The person is employing dozens of nonverbal signals to convey his or her focus on you.

Remember to listen

2009-10-27T05:04:00.000-07:00

Don’t forget that body language doesn’t replace other forms of communication. Body language is part of the big communication package everyone uses all the time. You should evaluate verbal and nonverbal messages within the greater context of the situation. (Read the section “Don’t Believe Everything You See,” at the end of this chapter.)
Next time you watch a feature film, pay particular attention to the actors when they aren’t speaking. What are they saying to you with their bodies? Consciously think about the message being communicated. The better the actors, the more they are able to communicate without words. Feature films can provide a wealth of education about body language, especially scenes without dialogue.
12 Angry Men (the original black-and-white film with Henry Fonda at the center of the action) is a film that I show at every intensive, three-day negotiating seminar. It’s the story of a jury considering the fate of a young man accused of murdering his father. The first vote that the jury takes is 11-1 for conviction. Fonda, as the holdout, leads a discussion among the other jurors, but doesn’t appear — from the dialogue — to have made any progress. Finally, he stands and makes a bold proposal: “Let’s take one more vote — by secret ballot. If I am the only one for ‘not guilty’ I will change my vote and we can go home.” Obviously, someone changes his vote or the movie would have to end there. I stop the film at that point, and we go around the room as the participants guess which juror changes his vote. Many participants are able to pick the correct juror from the body language. The dialogue is little help. Those participants who do not pick the correct juror are generally off by only one or two. By that I mean if they don’t pick the next juror to change his vote, they pick the second or third juror to change his vote (it is, after all, a 90-minute movie). Sometimes, a participant will still focus on the dialogue instead of the body language, and those who do select the sixth juror to change his vote. Rent the film. Try the exercise. It’s a real lesson in body language. My favorite line in the movie is when one of the jurors storms out of the room while another juror is trying to talk to him. Fonda leans over and says, “Never mind. He can’t hear you. He never will.”

Facial Expressions and Arms Style

2009-10-27T04:54:00.000-07:00

Human beings receive most nonverbal cues from the face. Because people primarily look at each other’s faces during communication, humans have evolved to understand facial cues the best. Professional card players rely so heavily on controlling their facial expressions that the term poker face is used to describe the ability to hide feelings behind a mask of non-expression. Interestingly, photographic studies show that even the most practiced card sharks can’t prevent the pupils of their eyes from expanding when they open a really good hand.
The general rule for arms, hands, legs, and feet is that closed positions (crossed arms and legs) signal resistance, and open positions signal receptivity.
The torso position can be the hardest to read because posture and seating position are often a matter of individual habit. Moreover, people don’t always have the opportunity to observe each other’s full torso during a meeting. Nevertheless, the torso can be a valuable source of meaning to the experienced observer.
The next time you’re at an airport or shopping mall, watch callers talk on their cell phones. See if you can guess who is on the other end of the line, just by observing the callers’ body language. Notice the positions of their bodies. If a person is cradling the phone affectionately, with head cocked and body draped languidly, a romantic interest is probably on the other end. If the person is shifting from foot to foot and looking around, an uncomfortable personal call is probably taking place. If the caller is standing erect and staring down at some notes or looking straight ahead in concentration, the call is, most likely, business related.

Look for Evidence of Listening

2009-10-27T04:43:00.000-07:00

As you listen to the other party in a negotiation, be alert to the occasional indicators that the other person is not really listening to you. If the other person says something like “uh-huh” or “that’s interesting,” find out immediately whether this response is an expression of genuine interest, a way of postponing discussion, or — equally fatal to communication — a signal that he or she is fighting the dreaded doze monster. Those little demons that tug at the eyelids in the middle of the afternoon cause odd, nonspecific utterances to fall from the lips.
If you suspect the latter, ask a probing question or two to ferret out the truth. Asking, “‘Uh-huh’ yes you agree, or just ‘Uh-huh’ you heard me?” is a good way to flush out the noncommittal uh-huh.
When someone says “That’s interesting,” find out exactly what makes it interesting. Don’t be afraid to keep things lively. This approach is much better than having the conversation die right there at the negotiating table. If you decide that, indeed, your conversational partner is simply not listening, take a break. Often, a quick stretch or, in a more serious case of the afternoon slumps, a walk around the block helps revive everybody. If a distraction is causing the lagging interest in what you are saying, deal with it. Discuss the preoccupying problem or have the distracted party make that critical call.

Don’t allow too many pronouns

2009-09-26T18:04:00.001-07:00

Beware the deadly pronoun: he, she, they, especially the infamous they and the power-gilded we. Pronouns can send you into a quagmire of misunderstanding. Every single day, it seems, I say to someone, “Too many pronouns.” During a negotiation, force your counterpart to use specific nouns and proper names. This preventive measure avoids a great deal of miscommunication.
With pronouns, you must guess which “they” or which “we” the speaker is talking about. Don’t guess. Just throw up your hands and say, with humor, “Too many pronouns.” I have never met anyone who begrudged me taking the time to clarify this issue. More often than not, the request is greeted with a chuckle. The potential for confusion is obvious, and everyone appreciates the effort to maintain clarity.

Don’t accept an assertion for the answer

2009-09-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

A person who doesn’t want to answer your question may try instead to emphatically state something close to what you’re looking for. This technique is common when you’re asking for a commitment that the other party doesn’t want to make.
Sometimes, an assertion about the past is substituted for an answer about the future. For example, you ask whether a company plans to spend $50,000 on advertising in the next year. You receive an emphatic statement that the company has spent $50,000 each year for the past four years, that sales are rising, and that any company would be a fool to cut back now. Don’t settle for such assertions — push for an answer. Say something like “Does that mean that your company has made a final commitment to spend $50,000 for advertising this year?”
Because assertions are sometimes delivered with a great deal of energy or passion, you may feel awkward insisting on the answer to your question. Not persisting with the inquiry can be fatal to your interests.

Don’t tolerate the dodge

2009-09-26T17:58:00.001-07:00

Politicians, as a group, seem specially trained to provide anything but an answer when asked a question. It’s almost as though there is some secret college for Congress members where they go to learn about the artful dodge. Just tune into the Sunday morning shows that feature our elected representatives. For example, if someone asks about the state of public education, the representative may launch into a dissertation about family values. It’s odd how many interviewers let elected officials get away with avoiding questions Sunday after Sunday. You don’t have to do that. Don’t accept the dodge when you ask a question. Recognize this tactic for what it is and repeat the question, this time insisting on a real answer or an exact time when you can expect an answer. When people say that they have to look into something and get back to you, about the only thing you can do (without making a rather obvious and frontal assault on their honesty) is wait. However, you can nail them down to a specific date and time that they will “get back to you.” If the question is important enough for the other side to delay (or not answer at all), the issue is important enough for you to press forward. Asking, “When can I expect an answer from you?” is a direct way of obtaining that information. Be sure to make a note of the reply.

Accept no substitutes

2009-08-26T07:38:00.000-07:00

You are listening. You are asking all the right questions at the right time. You are patient. So why aren’t you getting the information you need? One of the following possibilities may exist:

The person simply doesn’t understand your questions. You might try rephrasing your questions.
The person simply doesn’t want to answer your questions. Maybe company policy prevents disclosure of the information. Maybe the person feels uncomfortable discussing a particular subject matter. If you believe this is true, make a note and find out the information elsewhere.
The person is not good at answering questions. The avoidance is not deliberate or devious. Because of bad habits, sloppiness, or laziness, the person neglects to respond to your inquiry. Keep probing.
The person doesn’t know the answer and is uncomfortable in saying so. If you suspect this, ask if the other person needs time to research the answer.
The person is a pathological liar. In this case, run. Never negotiate with a liar — you can’t win.

In each of these cases, the result is the same. You are not getting a valuable piece of information. Take the suggested possibilities to get the information

Use your asks wisely

2009-08-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

If you’re lucky, the opposing side will answer most of your questions before you ask them. That’s why you shouldn’t spew out your questions like a machine gun. Have patience. Only ask essential questions. If you don’t care about the answer one way or the other, don’t ask. You are granted only so many asks in any conversation. Don’t use them indiscriminately. Every child learns the futility of repeating the question, “Are we there yet?” At a negotiating table, you may never “get there” if you have overstepped the asking line. The consequences: The listener becomes oversensitive to your probing, which often translates into resistance to answering your queries. When someone becomes resistant in one area, they will be resistant in other areas and, therefore, unreceptive to your general position. That’s a high price to pay for asking too many questions.
To become a really good questioner, take some time after a negotiating session to think about the questions you asked. Identify the extraneous questions. Remember that every question should serve a purpose. You’re not looking for damage that was done in that particular negotiation; you’re evaluating the quality of the questions.

Ask again

2009-08-26T07:16:00.000-07:00

When a speaker fails to answer your question, you have two choices, depending on the situation.

Stop everything until you get your answer or a clear acknowledgment that your question will not be answered. Silence can be golden at these opportunities. Most of us are uncomfortable with silence. An individual may feel compelled to answer a difficult question if you remain silent after posing the question. “The next one who speaks loses.”
Bide your time and ask the question later. If the question was worth asking in the first place, it’s worth asking again. Which of these two techniques you use depends on the situation. If the situation is fast paced and the information you requested is fundamental to decision making, use the first technique.

You can choose the second technique (to bide your time) whenever you know that you’ll have another opportunity to get the information, and you don’t need the information right away. Biding your time is always easier and less confrontational, but if you really need a piece of data, don’t be afraid to say, “Wait, I need to know. . . .” A good way to handle someone who doesn’t answer your question is to make a little joke out of the situation with a statement such as, “You’re leaving me in the dust,” or “I need to catch up.” No matter how serious the subject matter of the negotiation, a little humor never hurts, especially if you don’t spare yourself as a subject of that humor.
If the person makes a little joke back to avoid the question, you may have to shift back to a serious mode. Persevere until you either get an answer to your question or you realize that you must go elsewhere. If the other party isn’t going to answer your question, make a note of that fact so you remember to use other resources to get the answer you need.

Ask open-ended questions

2009-07-27T22:39:00.000-07:00

Unlike simple yes-or-no questions, open-ended questions invite the respondent to talk — and enable you to get much more information. These are the types of questions to use when you want to find out a person’s opinion or gather some facts during the course of a negotiation. The more you get the other person to talk, the more information you learn. Yes-or-no questions limit choices and force a decision. These types of questions are called closed questions.
Here is a simple closed question requiring a yes-or-no answer:
“Do you like this car?”
An open-ended question, on the other hand, encourages the person to start talking:
“What do you like best about this car?”
Try some classic open-ended questions when you need to get information.
These questions invite the other party to open up and tell all:
“What happened next?’
“So how did that make you feel?”
“Tell me about that.”
Notice in the last example that you can ask a question in the declarative format (as a request rather than as a traditional question). That technique can be very useful if you’re dealing with a reluctant participant. People who won’t answer questions will sometimes respond to a direct order. Open-ended questions aren’t the only types of questions you can use to get people to talk. Here are some other types of questions to help get responses you need:

Fact-finding questions: These questions are aimed at getting information on a particular subject. “Can you tell me the story about how you decided to bring this product to the market?”
Follow-up questions: These questions are used to get more information or to elicit an opinion. “So after you do that, what would happen next?”
Feedback questions: These questions are aimed at finding the difference that makes the difference. “May I say that back to you so I understand the difference between what you are proposing and what I was offering to do?”

Don’t assume anything

2009-07-27T22:37:00.000-07:00

We all know that the word “assume” makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” When people make flagrant and obvious assumptions, they tend to make a joke about it. What most people don’t realize is how many times each day they make routine assumptions about the intention of the other speaker, without double-checking with that person.
Good listening requires that you don’t assume anything about the intention of the speaker. This rule is especially true in conversations with family, friends, and work associates. You learn how they use words and often know their verbal shorthand. This familiarity can lead you to presume that you understand a friend’s, family member’s, or co-worker’s point — without carefully considering what this person is actually saying to you. Be wary of jumping to conclusions about the speaker’s intent, especially with the important inner circle of people closest to you. Lawyers say, “Don’t assume facts not in evidence.” This legal principle covers a group of questions that are not allowed in a court of law. The most famous example of a question that assumes a fact is “When did you stop beating your wife?”
This question is actually a trap because the wording implies that you beat your wife in the past. This example demonstrates why such questions impede good communication. The question immediately puts someone on the defensive, and responding accurately is impossible if the underlying assumption is false. If the speaker’s purpose is to draw out the truth, these three questions are more objective:

“Did you ever beat your wife?”
(If yes) “Have you stopped beating your wife?”
(If yes) “When did you stop beating your wife?”

In business, leading questions are often viewed as improper. At a minimum, they are challenging, which often leads to hostility. Here is an example:
“Why does your company insist on overcharging on this item?”
Now break down this question so it doesn’t assume any facts not in evidence. Again, to get at the information objectively requires three questions. It also eliminates the hostility.

“What does your company charge for this item?”
“What do other companies charge for this item?”
“Why do you think this discrepancy in pricing exists?”

Note that in this example you and the other person may have different pricing information. Breaking the question down into three parts offers an opportunity to clear up this difference without getting into an argument. At home, such questions often get viewed as accusations. Because of the emotional ties, such questions can be even more off-putting than they are at work. They can launch an argument pretty quickly. Consider this question that assumes a fact that the other party may not agree with:
“Why won’t you ever talk about it?”
This particular example shows how such a question seems to assume an unwillingness to communicate. In fact, the other party may want to talk about “it” but doesn’t have the skill-set or the emotional strength or the trust to talk about a particular subject. Try breaking this question down so it contains no assumptions. Guess what — it takes three questions again. As you read these questions, play them out in your mind trying to picture the reaction of someone you’re close with.

“Would you be willing to talk about it sometime?”
“What are the circumstances that would make it easy for you?”
“How can I help create those circumstances?”

Avoid leading questions

2009-07-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

To get the most telling answers and objective information, don’t ask leading questions. Leading questions contain the germ of the answer you seek. Here is a typical example of a leading question:
The other person: “I have only used that golf club a couple of times.”
You: “How did you like the great weight and balance on that club?” Because your question contains a glowing editorial of the golf club, the other person will have a difficult time saying anything negative about it, even if that’s what he or she feels. A nonleading question, such as “How do you like it?” is neutral and more likely to elicit the truth. That’s what you want to hear. If the other person swallows his true opinion or simply fails to express it to you because of the way you asked the question, you are the loser. The other person hasn’t altered his feelings, he just hasn’t expressed them. You have lost an opportunity to influence him.
Here are some more examples of leading questions:

“Don’t you think that such-and-such is true?”
“Isn’t $10 the usual price of this item?”
“Everyone agrees that this widget is best; don’t you?”

If phrased in a nonleading way, these questions are more likely to extract accurate information or honest opinions. Here are the same three questions reworded:

“What do you think about such-and-such?”
“What is the usual price of this item?”
“Which widget do you think is best?”

Leading questions don’t help you improve your listening skills or get the highest quality information. As a sales tool, however, you may want to lead the person to purchase an item on terms favorable to you. When you’re closing a deal, the leading question may help lead the other person right to a close. In this section, we are looking at questions you ask to find out what the other party is thinking, not to affirm your own views or serve your own financial interests. In court, leading questions aren’t allowed. Witnesses are forced by the laws of evidence to give their own views, not to mimic what the lawyer wants. That’s because in court — as in this section — the focus is to find out what factual information the witness has to offer or what honest, independent opinion the witness has formed.

Ask, don’t tell

2009-06-23T07:26:00.000-07:00

How you ask questions is very important in establishing effective communication.
Effective questions open the door to knowledge and understanding. But you must be watchful that asking questions does not evolve into you telling the other person instead of asking. You have probably heard a question like, “Isn’t it true that no one has ever charged that much for a widget?” or better yet, “Can you name one company that met such a deadline?” These are statements masked as questions. You usually can detect a shift from asking to telling by the tone of voice that the person uses as he or she asks these questions. The art of questioning lies in truly wanting to acquire the information that would be contained in the answer.
Effective questioning leads to the following:
_ Establishing rapport: Don’t try to impress others with your ideas; instead, establish rapport and trust by eliciting ideas from them and expressing how much you care about hearing their ideas. Rapport is the ability to understand and to connect with others, both mentally and emotionally. It’s the ability to work with people to build a climate of trust and respect. Having rapport doesn’t mean that you have to agree, but that you understand where the other person is coming from. It starts with accepting the other person’s point of view and his or her style of communication.
_ Better listening, deeper understanding: Oftentimes while you are talking, the other person is not listening but thinking about what he or she is going to say. When you ask questions, you engage the other person. He or she is much more likely to think about what you are saying. You lead the other person in the direction you want to take the conversation.
_ Higher motivation, better follow-up: The right answer will not be imposed by your questions. It will be found and owned by the other person, who will be more motivated to follow it up. Most people are much more likely to agree with what they say than with what you say.

Learn from negotiations by asking questions

2009-06-23T07:24:00.000-07:00

To profit from experience, you must be open and willing to learn, even from what some people may consider a failure. What appears to be a failure can actually lead to new opportunities. That is why so many companies have postmortem meetings, especially after a negotiation that did not go so well. Use open-ended questions as a starting point for the next phase of learning. Here are a few such questions:

What went well and why?
What went less well and why?
What would you do differently now?
What would you do the same way?
What went unexpectedly well and why?
What went unexpectedly badly and why?
What new assumptions/rules should be made?
What additional information would have been helpful? How could you have foreseen what happened?
How can you improve learning in the future?

How to avoid intimidation?

2009-06-23T07:23:00.000-07:00

A sharp negotiator who is trying to sell you something may try to use a series of questions to direct you to toward a specific conclusion. Each question is designed to elicit a positive response — a “yes.” This sequence of questions leads to a final query posed in the same manner. When you respond in the affirmative to this final question, the negotiation is complete — and you have agreed to your counterpart’s terms.
That technique may work for what I call a one-off negotiation. By that I mean a negotiation with someone you never plan to see again, such as when you sell a car through a newspaper ad. It doesn’t work so well with people whom you plan to have a long-term relationship with. You want the other party to understand and be content with the outcome, not to be tricked into signing a piece of paper that he or she may regret later.
Some people use questions to intimidate or beat up on others. Someone may ask you, “Why in the world would you want to wear a hat like that?” You may be tempted to take off the hat and use it to pummel that person. The best answer, in such cases, is often no answer. Let a few beats go by and then go on without answering or acknowledging the question. Some conduct is unworthy of any of your time or energy. Don’t try to educate such a person on the niceties of living in a civilized society. It won’t work. Keep your eye on your own goal and ignore the diversion.

Asking Good Questions: A Real Power Tool

2009-05-26T10:28:00.000-07:00

When you listen attentively, you make an incredible discovery. Sometimes, the person is not delivering the information you need. The chief tool of the good listener is a good question. Questions are marvelous tools for stimulating, drawing out, and guiding communication.
Asking a good question is a learned skill requiring years of training. The foundation of good question-asking is knowing what information you want to obtain. Here are seven handy guidelines for asking better questions — questions that are likely to get to the meat of things:

Plan your questions in advance. Prepare what you’re going to ask about but don’t memorize the exact wording, or you’ll sound artificial. A script is too restrictive to flow naturally into the conversation. However, it pays to outline your purpose and a sequence of related questions. If you plan ahead, you can follow the speaker’s train of thought and harvest much more information. Pretty soon, the speaker is comfortably divulging information. The question-and-answer format can act as an aid to good communication rather than a block.
Ask with a purpose. Every question you ask should have one of two basic purposes: to get facts or to get opinions (see Table 8-1 for examples of each). Know which is your goal and go for it, but don’t confuse the two concepts.
Tailor your question to your listener. Relate questions to the listener’s frame of reference and background. If the listener is a farmer, use farming examples. If the listener is your teenager, make references to school life, dating, or other areas that will hit home. Be sure to use words and phrases the listener understands. Don’t try to dazzle your 5-year-old with your vast vocabulary or slip computer jargon in on your technologically handicapped, unenlightened boss.
Follow general questions with more specific ones. These specific inquiries, called follow-up questions, generally get you past the fluff and into more of the meat-and-potatoes information. This progression is also the way that most people think, so you are leading them down a natural path. Never doubt how effective the follow-up question can be. It’s so powerful that most presidents of the United States do not allow reporters to ask them. Pay attention during the next White House news conference. Usually, one reporter asks one question, and then the president calls on the next reporter to avoid a follow-up question from the first reporter. The follow-up question is the one that ferrets out the facts.
Keep questions short and clear — cover only one subject. Again, this tip helps you shape your questioning technique to the way the mind really works. People have to process your question. This is no time to show off. Ask simple questions. Questions are just a way to lead people into telling you what you want to know. If you really want to know two different things, ask two different questions. You’re the one who wants the information; you’re the one who should do the work. Crafting short questions takes more energy, but the effort is worth it. Pretty soon, the other party is talking to you about the subject, and you can drop the questioning all together.
Make transitions between their answers and your questions. Listen to the answer to your first question. Use something in the answer to frame your next question. Even if this takes you off the path for a while, it leads to rich rewards because of the comfort level it provides to the person you are questioning. This approach also sounds more conversational and therefore less threatening. This is one reason why I urge you to plan your questions, not to memorize them.
Don’t interrupt; let the other person answer the question! You’re askinthe questions to get answers, so it almost goes without saying that you need to stop talking and listen.

The film The Silence of the Lambs is an excellent example of each of the above elements of the question-and-answer dynamic. In one of the film’s pivotal scenes, FBI agent Clarice Starling questions the sinister Dr. Hannibal Lecter in his dungeon-like holding cell. She wants clues about a serial killer on the loose. Lecter offers to provide her with clues if she provides him with stories of her past. Watch how Starling quietly listens to Lecter’s questions and how she asks for the clues to help her find the killer. Both parties ask direct and tailored questions planned in advance. Watch the question-and-answer scenes in the film for a lesson not only in how to ask questions, but also in how to wait patiently for the answer.

How big’s your pocket?

2009-05-26T09:52:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say that I always eliminated the confusions that occur when vague terms are used. The truth is that people think that they don’t have time to do so. Sometimes, you just want to get out of a conversational situation, and the last thing you want to do is prolong things by making absolutely sure that you have all the details correct. Other times, being specific just doesn’t seem that important. Rarely do any of these “reasons” outweigh the benefits of getting specific information.
I recently had a meeting with a wealthy investor. When we were finished discussing the subject of our meeting, he mentioned that he had given “pocket money” to one of my clients. I took that, quite literally, as a small amount of reimbursement for nonspecific expenses. I thought, “Oh, that’s nice” and said as much. In the South, we call that kind of money “walking around money.” Later, I learned that he had written a check for $100,000 and was annoyed and frustrated with my client at the way the money was being spent. He was also unhappy with me for not rectifying the situation after he had informed me about it. Needless to say, I was shocked to learn all of this from a trusted friend whom the investor and I had in common. Fortunately, we were able to remedy the problem right away.
If his comment had been the subject of the meeting, I would have sought clarification at the moment. As it was, I didn’t give the comment much thought, and his annoyance continued to simmer until I heard the complaint clearly two weeks later and was able to fix it. This story is a happy one because I learned the details fairly quickly. The situation could have smoldered and seriously damaged my client’s and (unfairly) my own relationship with that investor. And why? Lack of clarity. When my client explained carefully and completely how the money was being spent, the investor was not only satisfied, he advanced more money. Some of the best time you can spend in almost any situation is that extra moment it takes to make sure that everyone is communicating clearly.

Clarifying relativity

2009-04-25T07:48:00.000-07:00

Requiring others to define relative words is just as important as asking them to explain specific pieces of jargon. Relative words are nonspecific, descriptive words that only have meaning in relation to something else. Here are some examples of relative words that can create a great deal of confusion:
• Cheap
• High quality
• Large
• Many
• Soon
• Substantial
Don’t be shy about asking for clarification when someone lays one of these words on you. If the person insists on using generalities, as some people do, press for a range. If you still don’t get a specific answer, supply two or three ranges and force the person to choose one.
Let’s say your new customer says, “We’re thinking of placing a big order with you.” That’s good news if you and your new customer both use the words “big order” the same way. But you need to ask for specifics. If your customer doesn’t answer with a number, you can say, “Do you mean more like ten, or maybe about a hundred, or would it be closer to a thousand?” Whatever the answer is, just say “thank you.” Don’t belabor the point that you wouldn’t call that a “big order.” You should make a note of the information, as well. These situations offer a great opportunity to find out more about the company that you’re dealing with. It’s a good time to ask questions about the normal size of the orders from this company, why it’s changing now, and other pieces of information that will help you service this client much better.

Understanding Information Gathering

2009-04-25T07:02:00.000-07:00

Don’t be shy or embarrassed about asking someone to clarify a statement. Many people use jargon or shorthand when they talk, so you can’t always be sure of what they mean. For example, when I met with the head of marketing for the For Dummies book series, she started talking about the AMC. I teased her about the jargon that, to me, meant American Multi Cinema, a large chain of motion picture theaters. She quickly identified AMC as the advanced marketing chapter, which is sent to various buyers months before the entire book is ready for print. This situation was easy to handle because the brand manager was happy to clarify. I just needed to ask.
A slightly more difficult situation arises when you are both in the same industry, and the other person assumes that you know the meaning of words that he or she is using. You may feel embarrassed to ask for the meaning under that circumstance, because you think that you should know. You can handle this situation by saying, “Just to be sure that we are using our shorthand in the same way, tell me exactly how you define XYZ.” When the other person gives you his or her definition, use it. Here are three useful responses when the other party defines a term for you:
_ “That’s great! We use that phrase the same way.” _ “Glad I asked; we use that phrase a little differently, but we can go with your definition.”
_ “Thanks, I just learned something new.”
If you really think the other person is miles off the target and some real damage may be done if you use the word his or her way instead of your way, say: “We should define that term in the written agreement so others won’t get confused. You and I know what we are talking about, but we want to be sure that everyone else does, too.” Don’t get into a battle over definitions. There’s a third situation in which you may run into jargon. Some people, particularly doctors, lawyers, and accountants, use jargon to impress others with their knowledge, power, or position.
As often as not, they use this device on their own clients. Use the preceding techniques to get clear on the conversation, but if the problem is chronic, look for another professional to serve your needs.

The Art of Coaxing Out Information

2009-04-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

Effective listening requires probing. No one says everything you want to hear in the exact order, depth, and detail that you prefer. You have to ask. No phrase describes the job of questioning better than tickle it out. Questions are a way of coaxing out information that you want or need. In a trial, the question-and-answer format rules the proceedings. Attorneys and the judge can talk to each other in declarative sentences, but all the testimony is presented in the somewhat artificial format of question-and-answer. In court, the purpose of every question should be to obtain specific information. If the question isn’t answered directly, it needs to be asked in another way. The rules in the courtroom are pretty specific; as a matter of etiquette, you should apply similar rules in a business meeting. For example, courtesy prohibits you from barraging the other side with rapid-fire questions; court rules prevent the same thing.
Developing the ability to ask good questions is a lifelong effort. If you have the opportunity to observe a trial, notice that the primary difference between the experienced attorney and the less-experienced attorney is the ability of the former to ask the right question at the right time. Almost without fail, the key question is not a bombastic, confrontational inquiry, but a simple, easy-to-understand question designed to extract specific information. An excellent example of tickling it out occurred in the O. J. Simpson murder trial during the questioning of police officer Mark Fuhrman. Lengthy, softspoken questions led up to the simple query, “In the last ten years, have you used the ‘n’ word?” “No,” the officer replied. “Are you sure?” the attorney asked. “Yes, sir,” Mark Fuhrman responded. There were no fireworks, no victory dances at that point, but the quiet exchange permanently altered the trial. Because Fuhrman’s statement wasn’t true, the defense was able to call witness after witness to impeach his testimony. Eventually, the truth about Fuhrman’s behavior smashed against that statement so explosively that every other piece of evidence was damaged. Fuhrman and all his co-workers were hurt by those brief words so gently tickled out during questioning. About the only place you can regularly see trained people posing careful questions is on the cable channel Court TV. It makes documentary series related to courts and the law, and it airs real trials as they’re happening. Tune in to one of the televised trials where you can see the question-asking process in a carefully structured environment. You can learn a great deal about how to ask questions by watching these court proceedings. Watch and listen as the lawyers ask their questions. Obviously, various attorneys have different skill levels. Some are better than others. Watching these men and women in action sensitizes you to the good and bad aspects of questioning. Okay, I know Columbo is a television show, but the entire series is available on DVD! The famous detective, performed so consistently by Peter Falk, perfectly demonstrates the key skill of a good negotiator: asking really good questions. You will find Columbo using every type of question and listening to the answer. No single source better demonstrates how to ask questions. You can learn much more from Columbo. Study the man. Let him be your mentor as he entertains you. He also has incredible integrity. He sets his goal and never wavers. His steely determination brings victory in the toughest of circumstances.

Listening Your Way up the Corporate Ladder

2009-03-28T05:10:00.000-07:00

In a negotiation, silence is golden — in fact, it is money in the bank. Remember, you can’t listen and talk at the same time (not to yourself or to anyone else). Many a negotiation has been blown — and many a sale lost — because someone kept talking long after discussion was necessary or desirable. Conversely, many an opportunity to gain valuable information has been lost because the listening activity stops too soon. One of the best ways to control a meeting is to listen to everyone in the room. Pretty soon you’ll be running the meeting. If a big talker is monopolizing the negotiation, that person probably doesn’t even recognize that others want to contribute to the discussion. Stifle your instinct to grab the floor yourself. Instead, point out someone else who looks as though he or she is trying to talk. “Jane, you look like you had a comment on that.” Jane appreciates it, others appreciate it, and you suddenly control the meeting even if you’re the junior person at the table. Sometimes others can make your point for you. If you find that you still have something to add, the group will probably let you do so. You are now a hero, even to members of the other negotiating team. When you do say something, everyone listens out of appreciation — if not admiration. Various studies have shown that successful people listen better than their counterparts — especially on their way up. Ironically, great success sometimes causes a person to be a less sensitive listener, usually to that person’s detriment. The most visible example is the president of the United States, who must listen well during the rise to political power. However, a sitting president can easily become cut off from the very people who helped in the ascent. The isolated president is a common feature of the American political landscape. To become successful in the business world and stay successful, you must be a good listener. Here are some examples of the importance of listening effectively while you’re on the clock:

Many managers face setbacks in their careers when they prejudge an employee before they hear all sides of the story. If you want to gain respect as a manager, gather all the data from all the parties before you take any action.
New employees need to listen first when they enter a meeting or a department. Get the lay of the land. Resist that first verbal contribution, which will be everyone’s first impression of you, until you know that the contribution is a good one.
Salespeople lose sales when they talk more than they listen. The successful ones use empathetic statements to show they understand what the customer is saying and how he or she is feeling. Broadway Danny Rose is one of Woody Allen’s best films. You don’t have to like Woody Allen to like this movie. It’s all about some very senior stand-up comics (has-been, borscht-belt guys) sitting around New York’s famous Carnegie Deli reminiscing about the life of a renegade agent named Danny Rose (played by Woody Allen).

During the movie, note that Woody Allen’s character talks nonstop without ever stopping to think what he is saying. But he hangs in there. Give that man points for tenacity. His negotiating success is purely accidental from a technical point of view. He never uses any of the negotiating skills in this book. You may wonder why people spend the time and effort becoming good negotiators when people like Broadway Danny Rose can succeed without skills. The movie demonstrates just how accidental his success is. Life is sweeping this man along. He just keeps talking.

Wake yourself up

2009-03-28T05:06:00.000-07:00

If you are truly interested in what the other party is saying, look the part.
Keep your eyes focused. Acknowledge the other party’s words with a nod.
However, if you feel yourself getting drowsy, don’t give in. Sit up straighter. Stand up. Get the blood flowing in whatever way works for you. Don’t think that you can effectively hide flagging interest without changing your physical position. If you are tired, it will show. And if boredom sets in, don’t expect a lively conversation and don’t expect a good negotiation. In your very next conversation, just for the fun of it, assume the most attentive position you can. Observe how this change in behavior improves your listening skills. Follow these tips for enhancing your next conversation:

Uncross your arms and legs.
Sit straight in the chair.
Face the speaker full on.
Lean forward.
Make as much eye contact as you can.

Ask questions and count to three

2009-03-28T05:04:00.000-07:00

Asking questions is so important. I won’t detract by trying to abbreviate the subject here. Just remember that asking the right questions at the right times, and listening to the answers, can move a negotiation forward in a way that nothing else can.
One. Two. Three. Here’s an extraordinarily simple device to help you listen more effectively. Just count to three before you speak. This slight delay enables you to absorb and understand the last statement before you respond. The delay also announces that you have given some thought to what you are about to say. It gives oomph to the words that will come out of your mouth. As you practice this skill over time, counting may not be necessary, but the pause always pays off. You absorb the message, and you give the other party one last chance to modify the statement or question. Even if your response is simply that you must consult with your client, spouse, or boss, pausing for three beats helps you better comprehend and remember what the other person said.

Taking notes now for pauses later

2009-02-22T11:34:00.000-08:00

Taking notes is helpful at many points in a negotiation, but note taking can also be a pause button. In fact, one of the best times to pull out your pen is when you need to pause. Writing down statements that con-fuse or upset you is an excellent way to push pause. Rather than blurting out an inappropriate or angry response, tell the speaker to hold on while you write down the statement. Asking the other party to check what you’ve writ-ten to be sure that you got it right can be enormously effective if the words upset you. The process of putting those words to paper almost always causes the other party to backtrack, amend, or better yet, erase the words altogether. You’ll find that most people don’t want their unreasonable statements on paper for all the world to see.

Checking with the boss: A classic that needs a little prep

2009-02-22T11:32:00.000-08:00

If you plan to consult with your boss as a means of pushing pause in a negotiation, you should let the other party know that you don’t have final say. However, like everything else in a negotiation, don’t try to use this reason unless you have a boss whom you have to check with from time to time. Admitting early in the negotiation that you don’t have final authority is often beneficial. Make it clear that someone above you must approve the decision. That way, the other party won’t get angry with you. Working this information into the beginning of your negotiating formalizes the pause button and sets the tone for a thoughtful, considered negotiation.

Telling the Other Person That You Need a Pause

2009-02-22T11:19:00.000-08:00

Everyone has a different way of pushing the pause button. Sometimes, how you push pause depends on the situation. Here are some of the more common pause buttons you can use:

Ask for a night to think the negotiation over. Most people will respect your request to “sleep on it.”
Excuse yourself to the restroom. Who’s going to refuse that request?
For a short break, just lean back in your chair and say, “Wait a minute, I have to take that in.” For a dramatic touch, try closing your eyes or rub-bing your chin.
In a business situation, having someone with whom you have to consult before giving a final answer is a convenient excuse for pressing pause. Simply say, “I’ll have to run this by my partner (or family or consultants or whomever) and get back to you at 9 tomorrow morning.”

So that’s the idea: Your pause button is anything you do to create a space so you can think over your next move. In chess, those breaks can take so long that competitive chess has rules about how long the thinking time can be. At the end of the time, a buzzer goes off. In a negotiation, nothing dictates the length of breaks. You have to fight to create the time instead of being forced out of time by an artificial time limit.

The pause button in High and Low

2009-01-26T21:58:00.000-08:00

High and Low is a film based on the novel King’s Ransom by American novelist Ed McBain. It’s a movie about kidnapping and a mis-assessed situation. See how this subject matter is handled in the hands of one of cinema’s greatest directors, Akira Kurosawa.
This classic movie features one of the great actors of our day, Toshiro Mifune. He plays a wealthy businessman who must work through his moral, ethical, and financial dilemma when his chauffeur’s son is mistakenly kidnapped instead of his own. What a negotiation! And even though the film is subtitled, you will have no trouble following the story.
Notice, first, how the professional negotiator —the senior law enforcement official — begins the process by pushing the pause button. Everybody has to settle down and wait. Next, they gather more information about the boy who was kidnapped and information about the demands. When the phone rings, the professional negotiator dons a pair of earphones and listens. The detectives record the message so they can listen to it again and again. This way, clear communications are ensured. The kidnapper is very bright. He never stays on the line long enough to be traced, and he knows Japanese law, which he cites during the conversation.
One of the detectives calls him the “smartest crook I ever saw.” But they still don’t know much about him and don’t seem to be trying very hard to gather information about him. You quickly note that this lack of preparation —which leads the police to speculate about the kidnapper and his motives — hurts the negotiation because the detectives are acting on hunches that turn out to be wrong. It makes you want to throw your Negotiating For Dummies book at the screen.
You think the movie is going to focus on the hostage situation. Instead, the plot turns to the negotiation between the wealthy industrialist and everyone else in his life as he decides whether to pay the ransom. The movie goes on from there, picking up speed each time one phase of the story ends and a new one begins.

Defining the Pause Button

2009-01-26T21:43:00.000-08:00

How to Really Garble Communication

2009-01-26T21:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I can talk all day about how to improve communication and
people never get it. In the spirit of fun, here are some handy tongue-in-cheek
tips for people who strive to be bad communicators, to stay unclear, and to
keep creating quagmires and confusion in their lives.
Use these six little secrets to keep your life in chaos. Use them in business
and at home to keep things in turmoil. These are also handy ways to ensure a
high employee turnover.

Raise your voice
If you really don’t want to get your point across, just begin shouting or scolding.
Either response prevents any further intelligent discourse. This rule is
particularly important when a language barrier prevents someone from
understanding you. When someone doesn’t understand your language, just
talk louder. Loud communicates the same message to people all around the
world. Loud is disrespectful. Loud characterizes someone you don’t want to
do business with.

Leave out details
Details let the other person know exactly what you want or need. Leave the
message fuzzy if you want to continue having bad communication. Details
take time. You can shave valuable minutes off the average communication by
leaving out the details. After all, it only takes a few hours to clean up most
messes created by such an omission.

Don’t check to see if you were understood
This rule is very important for would-be bad communicators. If you spend
time checking to see whether you were understood, all the other efforts you
make to be a bad communicator can be thrown out the window. Don’t give
the other person a chance to say, “I didn’t understand xyz.” Otherwise, you’ll
have to clarify. If you want to be unclear, do your deed and skedaddle before
anybody can ask any questions.

Walk away and talk at the same time
Toss your request, instruction, or demand flippantly over your shoulder as
you are walking away from the person to whom you are speaking. Preferably,
avoid looking at the other person during conversation. This technique denies
virtually any possibility of being understood. And you haven’t wasted those
precious seconds required to face the person you are talking to and make eye
contact.

Assume that everyone understands you
If you are a bad communicator, you already know about the dangers of assuming
information, but we thought we would remind you anyway about the most
popular tool of the unclarity trade. Just send an old-fashion telegram when a
detailed letter is needed.

Don’t permit any objections or questions
Heck, don’t permit any response. The other person may be taking up your
time to understand the niggling information. Toss out whatever you have to
say and cut off the discussion. Anything further would just help clarify what
you are saying.

A slur of any kind

2009-01-11T17:47:00.000-08:00

You’ll never work in this town again

2009-01-11T17:27:00.000-08:00

“Take it or leave it”

2009-01-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

Even when you are making your final offer, presenting the deal as a “take it or leave it” proposition is a mistake. Even if the other side accepts the offer, the deal leaves them feeling bad about the decision. Unbelievably, we have heard of people putting such an unpleasant tag on an offer that was otherwise okay. This label makes the offer sound bad even if the terms are reasonable. If you hear this phrase, evaluate the offer on the merits, not on the way it was delivered. Especially if you are a professional negotiator, figure out if the offer is acceptable based on what you want out of the negotiation.

Don’t let a bad negotiating style confuse you. If you are negotiating for yourself, and you must continue working with your counterpart in this deal, you may want to consider whether you can maintain an ongoing relationship with a person who is bullying you with “take it or leave it” statements. If you are making a final offer, say so without using the antagonistic take-it-orleave-it phrase. If you are feeling frustrated and anticipating a refusal, push the pause button. When you are feeling that way, it is hard to calmly explain the reasons that this must be the final offer. You are likely to use this verboten phrase (“Take it or leave it”) or something similar. That approach hurts you in the long run because you look like a bully. And you don’t increase the chance of your proposal being accepted.

“I’m going to be honest with you”

2009-01-11T17:24:00.000-08:00

“Trust me”

2009-01-11T17:21:00.000-08:00

Phrases You Should Never Use during a Negotiation

2008-12-27T20:53:00.000-08:00

Worst case: The deal closesa

2008-12-27T20:48:00.000-08:00

The prices you pay without even knowing

2008-12-27T20:47:00.000-08:00

Reciprocal obfuscation: That term simply means that the other party starts to be unclear, too. (I love the irony of using a hard-to-understand phrase to describe things that are hard to understand.) The other party doesn’t know where you stand, because you are not being clear. So, they won’t feel comfortable making a clear commitment either. This situation substantially slows down a negotiation and may make productive communication almost impossible.
Leaving lots of room to maneuver: If you are not clear, others won’t feel safe enough to tell you specifically what they want. Rather than commit to a position, your counterpart will leave lots of room to maneuver, until you clarify where you want to end up.

Deals that disappear because being unclear

2008-12-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

A common example of lack of clarity occurs when one party intentionally makes an unrealistic opening offer. Early in the negotiation, one person throws out an outrageous opening offer although it is intended as a trial balloon, it is presented as though it were a reasonable offer or worse, as something for which there is very little negotiating room. If the offer doesn’t get the expected reaction (shock, disbelief, laughter, and ultimately bursting of the balloon), the person who made the offer often recounts, with great animation, that the other person “didn’t even bat an eye.”
Too much is made of the fact that a counterpart doesn’t faint when an unrealistic number is offered. What you don’t hear about so often is the follow-up. As I was writing this blog, I purposely followed up every time I heard such a story. I tracked the negotiations to see the results. I was not totally surprised to discover that — in a majority of the cases — the deals fell through. In all but one case, the reason was an excuse other than the initial high demand, such as scheduling conflicts, changing concepts, and postponements. This little study of mine was not scientific in any way, but it provided interesting support for my theory. When you start with an opening offer or a demand that is well outside the reasonable range, the other side will often slink away rather than get involved in a futile negotiation.
It would be difficult to ascertain what percentage of negotiations never get underway because the initial demand was too high. I believe that it happens more often than most people suspect. The person who is turned off may never say a word to the party making the demand. Think of your own behavior. If you think the prices in a boutique are outrageous, do you say so? Or do you smile at the shopkeeper and say, “Just looking”?

The highest cost of being unclear

2008-12-27T20:36:00.000-08:00

The first Gulf War (Desert Storm) may well have been avoided if the diplomats had been clearer in the days just before the invasion of Kuwait by Iraq. President Saddam Hussein of Iraq wanted to destroy Kuwait for a number of reasons — all of which were good and valid to him. He was not prepared to take on the United States, let alone the entire world. Therefore, he met for several hours with America’s Ambassador April Glaspie. The ambassador said to Hussein, “We have no opinion on Arab-Arab conflicts, like your border disagreement with Kuwait.”
Astonishing.
The ambassador insists that there was more to the discussion than was printed in the transcript, but she doesn’t deny these comments. A disparity exists between the two parties’ renditions. Assume that each party related the events as accurately as possible. Obviously, they were not as clear with each other at the time of the original discussion as they were in the reporting of the discussion afterward.
Even Hussein’s telling of the tale indicates some lack of clarity regarding his intentions toward Kuwait. He never said his intention was to eliminate Kuwait from the face of the earth. On the other hand, the United States never even hinted at the kind of response that was ultimately invoked. Obviously, the communication was not clear. Clear communications may or may not have prevented the Gulf War. A clear message from the United States to Iraq may not have been believed. Perhaps Iraq was willing to wage war against the United States for some mysterious reason. The world will never know. However, documents show that within the month before the invasion, the United States communicated directly to Saddam Hussein in a way that caused him to think Iraq could cross the border into Kuwait without repercussions. If you ever question the wisdom of being clear, please think for a moment about the men and women who died in the Gulf War and their families who still miss them. Every war provides stories of the high human price paid for failed communications. In World War II, Japan actually intended to send us a two-hour warning before the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. The Japanese decoder at the embassy was out sick that day, and his replacement could not type. Consequently, the message wasn’t delivered to anybody in authority until after the fact.

General distractions

2008-12-11T19:00:00.000-08:00

Other barriers to clarity can be fatigue, laziness in preparation, or the clutter of distracting interruptions.

Fatigue: You may be just plain tired and unable to focus. Pay attention to your body’s signals. Sometimes a brisk walk outdoors revives you. Good nutrition and adequate rest are requirements for a master negotiator. If you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you can eliminate the need for cup after cup of coffee to stay alert. But, in a pinch, an occasional dose of caffeine works, too.
Laziness: You may not have prepared well enough and you are dreading being clear on some facts that are unsubstantiated. If this situation strikes a familiar chord, do your homework.
Interruptions: Your listener may be doodling or not making eye contact. The room temperature may be extreme. Noise levels may be too high for you to be heard clearly. Hopefully, you are assertive enough to request these changes appropriately.

If the conversation or negotiation is important, be sure that you are well rested, prepared, and in an environment where clear communications can be heard.