Don’t assume anything

We all know that the word “assume” makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” When people make flagrant and obvious assumptions, they tend to make a joke about it. What most people don’t realize is how many times each day they make routine assumptions about the intention of the other speaker, without double-checking with that person.
Good listening requires that you don’t assume anything about the intention of the speaker. This rule is especially true in conversations with family, friends, and work associates. You learn how they use words and often know their verbal shorthand. This familiarity can lead you to presume that you understand a friend’s, family member’s, or co-worker’s point — without carefully considering what this person is actually saying to you. Be wary of jumping to conclusions about the speaker’s intent, especially with the important inner circle of people closest to you. Lawyers say, “Don’t assume facts not in evidence.” This legal principle covers a group of questions that are not allowed in a court of law. The most famous example of a question that assumes a fact is “When did you stop beating your wife?”
This question is actually a trap because the wording implies that you beat your wife in the past. This example demonstrates why such questions impede good communication. The question immediately puts someone on the defensive, and responding accurately is impossible if the underlying assumption is false. If the speaker’s purpose is to draw out the truth, these three questions are more objective:

• “Did you ever beat your wife?”
• (If yes) “Have you stopped beating your wife?”
• (If yes) “When did you stop beating your wife?” In business, leading questions are often viewed as improper. At a minimum, they are challenging, which often leads to hostility. Here is an example:

“Why does your company insist on overcharging on this item?”
Now break down this question so it doesn’t assume any facts not in evidence. Again, to get at the information objectively requires three questions. It also eliminates the hostility.

• “What does your company charge for this item?”
• “What do other companies charge for this item?”
• “Why do you think this discrepancy in pricing exists?”

Note that in this example you and the other person may have different pricing information. Breaking the question down into three parts offers an opportunity to clear up this difference without getting into an argument. At home, such questions often get viewed as accusations. Because of the emotional ties, such questions can be even more off-putting than they are at work. They can launch an argument pretty quickly. Consider this question that assumes a fact that the other party may not agree with:
“Why won’t you ever talk about it?”
This particular example shows how such a question seems to assume an unwillingness to communicate. In fact, the other party may want to talk about “it” but doesn’t have the skill-set or the emotional strength or the trust to talk about a particular subject. Try breaking this question down so it contains no assumptions. Guess what — it takes three questions again. As you read these questions, play them out in your mind trying to picture the reaction of someone you’re close with.

• “Would you be willing to talk about it sometime?”
• “What are the circumstances that would make it easy for you?”
• “How can I help create those circumstances?”