Phrases You Should Never Use during a Negotiation

Clear communication is as much about getting rid of bad habits as it is about acquiring any new skills. As you look over this section, ask yourself whether you do any of the things that interfere with communications. Getting rid of those habits will serve you better than any new skill. The truth is, being clear requires periodic checkups like an annual physical. Everyone needs to look at this aspect of home and office life from time to time. Bad habits creep into communications rather easily.
Certain phrases go “clunk” against the ear every time you hear them. Here are some phrases that have little place in life, let alone a negotiation. When you hear these phrases, a yellow caution light should start flashing in your head. These phrases often indicate a situation that needs to be addressed. And if you hear one or more of these utterances come out of your mouth, stop immediately. Laugh about the slip or apologize, but don’t assume that the listener doesn’t have the same set of yellow caution lights that you do. Maybe the listener doesn’t, but you can’t take that risk.

Worst case: The deal closesa

When a lack of clarity is a major factor in a negotiation, the biggest disasters occur when the deal closes and no one realizes that confusion remains. When written contracts are to follow, a lack of clarity is usually caught by the lawyers during the drafting stage, and the ambiguity can be worked out. In a less formal situation, the confusion generally isn’t discovered until much later. When that happens, both sides feel cheated and misled. People are rarely neutral about the cause of miscommunications. Blame is never far behind the discovery that the two parties failed to communicate well. Each party feels intentionally misled. The acrimony often permanently damages the relationship between the parties. The fallout often damages reputations, too. The truth of the matter is that the results of an intentional lie and a mere miscommunication are often about the same. Preventing an innocent miscommunication is well worth the extra energy expended.

The prices you pay without even knowing

Deals that don’t close are to be expected if you’re not clear during the negotiations. The harder item to assess is how the dynamic of the discussion changes when communications are not clear.
When you are not clear, the other party feels insecure. Rather than confront you on your lack of clarity, the person you’re negotiating with often just compensates in one of two ways:

• Reciprocal obfuscation: That term simply means that the other party starts to be unclear, too. (I love the irony of using a hard-to-understand phrase to describe things that are hard to understand.) The other party doesn’t know where you stand, because you are not being clear. So, they won’t feel comfortable making a clear commitment either. This situation substantially slows down a negotiation and may make productive communication almost impossible.
• Leaving lots of room to maneuver: If you are not clear, others won’t feel safe enough to tell you specifically what they want. Rather than commit to a position, your counterpart will leave lots of room to maneuver, until you clarify where you want to end up.

These consequences are almost impossible to detect. Instead, you begin blaming the lack of clarity or indecisiveness on the other party. If you run into one of these behaviors, see whether the problem didn’t start with you. Even if it didn’t — even if you are dealing with someone who is naturally unclear or reluctant to take a position — you can push that person to greater clarity or decisiveness by communicating more clearly yourself.

Deals that disappear because being unclear

A common example of lack of clarity occurs when one party intentionally makes an unrealistic opening offer. Early in the negotiation, one person throws out an outrageous opening offer although it is intended as a trial balloon, it is presented as though it were a reasonable offer or worse, as something for which there is very little negotiating room. If the offer doesn’t get the expected reaction (shock, disbelief, laughter, and ultimately bursting of the balloon), the person who made the offer often recounts, with great animation, that the other person “didn’t even bat an eye.”
Too much is made of the fact that a counterpart doesn’t faint when an unrealistic number is offered. What you don’t hear about so often is the follow-up. As I was writing this blog, I purposely followed up every time I heard such a story. I tracked the negotiations to see the results. I was not totally surprised to discover that — in a majority of the cases — the deals fell through. In all but one case, the reason was an excuse other than the initial high demand, such as scheduling conflicts, changing concepts, and postponements. This little study of mine was not scientific in any way, but it provided interesting support for my theory. When you start with an opening offer or a demand that is well outside the reasonable range, the other side will often slink away rather than get involved in a futile negotiation.
It would be difficult to ascertain what percentage of negotiations never get underway because the initial demand was too high. I believe that it happens more often than most people suspect. The person who is turned off may never say a word to the party making the demand. Think of your own behavior. If you think the prices in a boutique are outrageous, do you say so? Or do you smile at the shopkeeper and say, “Just looking”?

The highest cost of being unclear

The first Gulf War (Desert Storm) may well have been avoided if the diplomats had been clearer in the days just before the invasion of Kuwait by Iraq. President Saddam Hussein of Iraq wanted to destroy Kuwait for a number of reasons — all of which were good and valid to him. He was not prepared to take on the United States, let alone the entire world. Therefore, he met for several hours with America’s Ambassador April Glaspie. The ambassador said to Hussein, “We have no opinion on Arab-Arab conflicts, like your border disagreement with Kuwait.”
Astonishing.
The ambassador insists that there was more to the discussion than was printed in the transcript, but she doesn’t deny these comments. A disparity exists between the two parties’ renditions. Assume that each party related the events as accurately as possible. Obviously, they were not as clear with each other at the time of the original discussion as they were in the reporting of the discussion afterward.
Even Hussein’s telling of the tale indicates some lack of clarity regarding his intentions toward Kuwait. He never said his intention was to eliminate Kuwait from the face of the earth. On the other hand, the United States never even hinted at the kind of response that was ultimately invoked. Obviously, the communication was not clear. Clear communications may or may not have prevented the Gulf War. A clear message from the United States to Iraq may not have been believed. Perhaps Iraq was willing to wage war against the United States for some mysterious reason. The world will never know. However, documents show that within the month before the invasion, the United States communicated directly to Saddam Hussein in a way that caused him to think Iraq could cross the border into Kuwait without repercussions. If you ever question the wisdom of being clear, please think for a moment about the men and women who died in the Gulf War and their families who still miss them. Every war provides stories of the high human price paid for failed communications. In World War II, Japan actually intended to send us a two-hour warning before the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. The Japanese decoder at the embassy was out sick that day, and his replacement could not type. Consequently, the message wasn’t delivered to anybody in authority until after the fact.

General distractions

Other barriers to clarity can be fatigue, laziness in preparation, or the clutter of distracting interruptions.

• Fatigue: You may be just plain tired and unable to focus. Pay attention to your body’s signals. Sometimes a brisk walk outdoors revives you. Good nutrition and adequate rest are requirements for a master negotiator. If you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you can eliminate the need for cup after cup of coffee to stay alert. But, in a pinch, an occasional dose of caffeine works, too.
• Laziness: You may not have prepared well enough and you are dreading being clear on some facts that are unsubstantiated. If this situation strikes a familiar chord, do your homework.
• Interruptions: Your listener may be doodling or not making eye contact. The room temperature may be extreme. Noise levels may be too high for you to be heard clearly. Hopefully, you are assertive enough to request these changes appropriately.

If the conversation or negotiation is important, be sure that you are well rested, prepared, and in an environment where clear communications can be heard.

Fear of hurting someone else

Often, people avoid hurting the feelings of others not out of compassion, but out of self-protection. Everyone wants to be liked; no one wants to be shunned. Toward that legitimate social end, you have probably learned to obfuscate with a vengeance.
I’ve developed some stock phrases to use after a bad play or a weak film when the producers cluster around to hear my praise. “Very interesting” is one of the most damning. “Brave” is good. “Top of the genre” is probably my noncommittal favorite. Sometimes, when a work is a “work in progress,” such vague statements are suited to your purpose of encouraging the creators. Such phrases are intended to mask the truth, and they do just that. Being clear and being confrontational are two different things. If you have bad news to deliver, do so with dignity and respect for the person’s feelings. Even if you feel, in every fiber of your being, that the person is overreacting to your news, don’t say so. Let the feelings run their course. But don’t flinch or amend your statement. Just wait. This, too, shall pass. Being clear in such situations takes strength and confidence. Never sacrifice clarity to avoid confrontation. Your desire to do so generally masks the real motive — which is to spare yourself the discomfort or trauma of delivering bad news.

Fear of rejection

Everyone has a built-in fear factor. You may be afraid that if you present your ideas clearly, the listener will reject you or your conclusions. The natural inclination is to avoid rejection by blurring lines, being unclear, and failing to state your case accurately.
Instead, you postpone the inevitable. After all, when the listener eventually understands you, he rejects the concept with the added energy that comes from frustration. “Why didn’t you say so?” he asks. “Why did you waste my time?” he demands. These are tough questions to answer. If it is true that an accurate statement of intent would cause the deal to fall apart, being clear is even more important. When you close a deal without being clear, the parties have different understandings and expectations. You are finalizing a bad deal. In fact, you are closing a deal that cannot possibly work.

When You Have to Say No

Sometimes, you just need to say no, and being as clear as possible should be your goal. Here’s how to do it without alienating someone. Tom knocks on top of your cubicle partition, leans in, and asks, “Got a minute?” Instead of glancing at your watch and saying okay with a martyred sigh, you look up and analyze the request. You see his lower lip trembling and his eyes filling with tears. You know he wants to talk about his divorce — again — and you have a report to finish. You recognize that this won’t be a 60-second interruption, no matter what he claims. You resist the reflexive hot button response, “In your dreams, pal,” because you depend on Tom in your job.
A rapport with him is a priority for you. Use the triple-A approach:

• Acknowledge: Tell him that you understand how he feels and what he wants. “Tom, you look upset — it looks as though you need to talk.” This statement, which takes only six seconds to say, calms him because now he doesn’t have to work to make you understand his feelings. You have said, in essence, “I understand your priority — and it’s important” (another sentence that takes six seconds to say). We call this six-second empathy.
• Advise: Let him know your priority — calmly and confidently. Say, “Tom here’s the situation. I have a report to finish for the boss, and it’s due in half an hour.” You have understood his need, and now you’re asking him to understand yours. Many people, when told of your priority, will back off. But not Tom. That’s why there’s a third step.
• ccept or alter: Accept the interruption with time limits (“I can give you five minutes”) or suggest an alternative option (“I’ll come to your cubicle after I finish the report”).

This is the best way to say no. Use it as a model. You won’t always be able to achieve the ideal outcome described, but try to come as close as you can. With peers, you can suggest an alternative option, but what about with your boss? Tom will actually thank you and go away happy. With the boss, your best option is almost always to accept. The boss’s priorities are your priorities —it’s in the job description. However, don’t leave out the second step. Always advise the boss of your activities and priorities. Sometimes the boss is grateful for the information and withdraws the request or removes some of your existing obligations. Other times, you are expected to do all the work anyway. Advising puts the burden on the boss to say which task is to be done first. Never skip that step.

Capturing an Audience

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s all in the presentation.” The same applies to you. Clarity makes you a good presenter during a negotiation. Here are some tips to help you get through your next negotiation, when the spotlight is on . . . you:

• Analyze your audience. Put yourself in your counterparts’ shoes. Try to understand their map of reality, and anticipate what outcome they seek from the negotiation. After you gauge what your audience wants, you can figure out how best to sell your ideas of the negotiation at hand.
• Set your goal and keep it handy. Decide what outcome you would like to achieve as a result of the negotiation. Make sure that everything you say and do contributes to that outcome. Make sure that you stress your key points. Present your ideas and, if you are making a formal presentation at the beginning of a negotiation on a large project, consider giving your audience an outline of your presentation so they can follow along. They can follow your outline and use it to take notes. It also gives you a measure of control on what information they take away.
• Do your homework. Research. Research. Research. Don’t start a negotiation knowing little or nothing about your topic. Anticipate questions, and make sure you have the facts to back them up. Always prepare so you’re ready for any emergency such as a well-aimed question from one of your counterparts. Preparation will give you reserve power. You want people to sit up and take notice. If you are going to make a formal presentation at the opening of a negotiation, be sure to practice. Practice until you know you are prepared to tackle any question thrown at you. Remember, your time in front of a group is your showcase.
• Confidence is the key. Confidence is the key to being crystal clear. Remember, you have to be confident to show confidence. Have faith in yourself and your abilities. Think about how your presentation will help your audience to get what they want. Your goal remains fixed. Your job is to convince your listeners that your goal is something they want for their side also. Careful preparation provides the solid ground you need to support your self-confidence. Coach yourself. Tell yourself you can do it. Listen to your inner voice and tell yourself that you are more qualified than anyone else in room to give your presentation.
• Plan your presentation. Make a list of all the points you plan to discuss in your negotiation. Group your topics of discussion into sections and put the sections in the order that best achieves your objectives. When you put your talk together, keep in mind why your audience would want to hear what you have to say. Their interest in your points is not automatic. Remember, they are there to convince you that their goals are just what you want, not vice versa. You have to work to get their attention. Never assume that they will automatically pay close attention to what you have to say.
• Plan your format and delivery. Speak loud and clear. Don’t mumble. Don’t put your hand near your mouth, obscuring the sound of your voice. How you give your talk can be every bit as important as what you say. If needed, use your outline to guide you through your discussion. Don’t make your presentation monotonous. You don’t want to bore your audience. The most exciting idea in the world will fall on deaf ears if it’s presented in a boring manner. Conversely, audiences have been known to rally around some pretty lame ideas when they were fired up by a persuasive speaker.
• Manage expectations. Communication is a two-way street. Before you begin your negotiation, be sure everyone in the room knows what to expect. They will arrive with some preconceived ideas. Your advance communication about your presentation needs to be clear to set the perceptions right so no one is confused or disappointed.

Never take your audience for granted. People have very short attention spans. Not more than 15 percent of a person’s brain power is required to understand your language and grasp what you mean. Don’t let the remaining 85 percent of a person’s brain slip into a daydream. To keep your audience with you, make your message visual, build anticipation, create a conversation cycle. Keep your listener’s mind 100 percent occupied.