Positive words but negative body language

Many employees complain that their supervisors give mixed messages with body language. The words are positive, but the body language is negative. For example, your boss calls you in for a meeting. She says, “Good morning,” and begins to discuss your recent improvement in punctuality. However, her arms are crossed at the waist, and her head is angled away from you so that she’s looking at you sideways. You know that these are negative signals. If you have the guts, you may venture, “It looks to me like something may be bothering you.” Your boss may be forthright about her annoyance, or she may pound a fist on the table and deny her true feelings with a sharp reply, “What makes you think anything is bothering me?”

The nervous laugh

One of the most common examples of body language not matching the situation is the nervous laugh. A laugh that is not a reaction to anything humorous signals nervousness or discomfort. In fact, it’s a dead giveaway. If you hear a nervous laugh, let a few beats go by and then turn directly to the source of the laughter and encourage that person to verbalize his or her feelings. Depending on the situation, you may say: “Ben, how do you feel about the pricing structure?” or “Ben, how do you feel about adding Leslie to this team?” Often, the person won’t admit to having any concerns. You know better. Keep probing. You may have to return to the subject a few times, rephrasing your request until the truth comes out.

Interpreting conflicting messages

Reading the body language of another person is not a trick to gain advantage. It’s a tool to improve communication. People who are exhibiting incongruous body language are frequently unaware of the fact that their spoken words and their true feelings, as revealed by their body language, are not consistent. By drawing out those differences and reconciling them, you have done a great service for your side and for the person with whom you are negotiating. If you pick up an incongruity between what a person’s body is saying and what that person’s mouth is saying, you can assume that something is going on. You want to take a reality check and start asking the person questions about what he or she is thinking and feeling. It’s usually one of the following:

• The person is unaware of his or her effect on others.
• The person’s body language is expressing a hidden agenda.
• The person is too tired or is confused.

I remember sitting in a theater watching the film Basic Instinct for the first time. In the film, Michael Douglas plays a San Francisco cop who is fatally attracted to a key suspect in an ice-pick murder. The suspect is played by Sharon Stone, in a star-making performance. Audiences gasped during the now infamous interrogation scene. I gasped too. Watching the film again recently, I was reminded that the interrogation scene is a good example of how body language can cause conflicting messages. In the scene, Douglas and his fellow cops interrogate Stone. She twists and manipulates her words, shamelessly toying with the cops’ libidos. Instead of nailing his suspect, Douglas is entranced by his femme fatale and eventually falls for her scheming ways. Stone is calm and collected during the entire scene, using her body language in a risqué fashion to successfully manipulate the situation.

Reading someone else’s body language

Being able to accurately read the true attitude and feelings of someone across the table can be enormously important. Seldom do you see adults physically clap their hands over their ears to avoid hearing something, but people have other ways of signaling that they aren’t listening, such as allowing their eyes to wander or attending to an unrelated task.
Disney released a wonderful film called Frank and Ollie about a couple of the world’s greatest observers of body language. Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston were two of the original animators of such classics as Cinderella and Bambi. This film shows them mimicking various elements of body language to communicate feelings and then making sketches of their own movements. Watch this movie as a primer on body language; it illustrates the points of this chapter better than all the words ever written on the subject. The ability to read a person’s body language enables you to adjust your approach to that person. Based on what you learn about the other person’s mood or attitude, you can temper your own words and actions appropriately — for example, you can calm down someone who’s agitated or perk up someone who’s bored.
Discover how much fun you can have reading the body language of others. The more you practice this skill, the better you will be at negotiating. The next time you go to an event connected to your work, pause a moment at the door. Instead of looking for someone you know, look over the room. Identify the more influential people. Try to distinguish who wields power. Who are the employers? Who are the employees? What differences in body language make social status apparent? If you’re at a social gathering, see if you can spot very outgoing people. Who is shy? Are any of the couples fighting?

Matching your body language with your words

Don’t mix and match when it comes to your body language and your spoken words. Even people who haven’t read this book draw meaning from your body language when you speak. People expect corresponding body language to accompany verbal messages. Inconsistent communications from you will throw your listener off, even if the person has never heard the phrase “body language.”
When you’re speaking, be sure that your body language matches your words, if you want your words to be believed. If you are enthusiastic about a project, show that enthusiasm in your body. Don’t recline relaxed on the sofa. The message of disinterest communicated by your body will be remembered far longer than the words of interest that come out of your mouth. Several reasons may explain why your body language may not match your words.

• You’re having an energy drain. When you’re tired, keeping your body properly expressive takes extra energy. Think about the potential positive outcome of your negotiation session. It may provide you with a boost of adrenaline, allowing you to get through the negotiation energized instead of drained. Feed the left side of your brain with positive thoughts and don’t lose a deal because your tired body says, “I don’t care one way or another.” You can always stand up or walk around. If you have to, step outside for a moment to reignite your energy.
• You’re not concentrating on the communication of the moment. As you read about body language, you will notice that many gestures, movements, and mannerisms indicate that a person is actually thinking about a matter other than the current topic of conversation. If you find your mind wandering, the other side will quickly see it in your face. Ask for a break so you can make a phone call and clear a concern out of your mind. When you’re in a negotiating session, be sure that you are in the session with your heart, mind, and soul. Your physical presence may be much less important than your mental presence. Athletes call it “being in the zone.”
• You have developed bad communication habits. Some classic comic sketches illustrate this point: The disgusted spouse utters a terse, “Fine” with lips clamped tight. This reaction lets a partner know that things are anything but fine. And then there is the smiling letch leaning in for the kill who says, “Why, I wouldn’t hurt a fly.” In both of these examples, the body language trumps the spoken word. The listener gets the nonverbal message much more clearly than the verbal message. If you have any mannerisms that project a different meaning from the words you are uttering, work on breaking the habit.

What Our Bodies Can Say

Verbal and written communications are not the only elements of communication in a negotiation — or in life. Good negotiators only get better when they draw meaning and insight from the way a person stands or sits, the way a person dresses, or the panoply of facial expressions that play out during a conversation. That’s why, in my negotiation seminars, I say, “Listen with your ears, your eyes, and every pore in between.”
Different nonverbal communications are associated with different attitudes. Becoming savvy to these relationships can put you at a great advantage. As a negotiator, you have two distinct tasks:

• Make sure that your body language expresses the message you want to send. Your body language needs to be consistent with your words.
• Read the nonverbal signals of the person with whom you are negotiating. You need to recognize when someone is sending conflicting words and actions, and when someone’s gestures add emphasis to the words.

When you become a student of body language, you quickly realize that gestures come in packs. Rarely does anyone invoke one random gesture to the exclusion of all others. Rather, there is a symphony of sight and sound, all working together.
Charmers aren’t necessarily the best-looking people in the room; they are the ones who have a command of body language. When such a person focuses on you, you definitely know that the person is interested; the attention can almost make you blush. The person is employing dozens of nonverbal signals to convey his or her focus on you.

Remember to listen

Don’t forget that body language doesn’t replace other forms of communication. Body language is part of the big communication package everyone uses all the time. You should evaluate verbal and nonverbal messages within the greater context of the situation. (Read the section “Don’t Believe Everything You See,” at the end of this chapter.)
Next time you watch a feature film, pay particular attention to the actors when they aren’t speaking. What are they saying to you with their bodies? Consciously think about the message being communicated. The better the actors, the more they are able to communicate without words. Feature films can provide a wealth of education about body language, especially scenes without dialogue.
12 Angry Men (the original black-and-white film with Henry Fonda at the center of the action) is a film that I show at every intensive, three-day negotiating seminar. It’s the story of a jury considering the fate of a young man accused of murdering his father. The first vote that the jury takes is 11-1 for conviction. Fonda, as the holdout, leads a discussion among the other jurors, but doesn’t appear — from the dialogue — to have made any progress. Finally, he stands and makes a bold proposal: “Let’s take one more vote — by secret ballot. If I am the only one for ‘not guilty’ I will change my vote and we can go home.” Obviously, someone changes his vote or the movie would have to end there. I stop the film at that point, and we go around the room as the participants guess which juror changes his vote. Many participants are able to pick the correct juror from the body language. The dialogue is little help. Those participants who do not pick the correct juror are generally off by only one or two. By that I mean if they don’t pick the next juror to change his vote, they pick the second or third juror to change his vote (it is, after all, a 90-minute movie). Sometimes, a participant will still focus on the dialogue instead of the body language, and those who do select the sixth juror to change his vote. Rent the film. Try the exercise. It’s a real lesson in body language. My favorite line in the movie is when one of the jurors storms out of the room while another juror is trying to talk to him. Fonda leans over and says, “Never mind. He can’t hear you. He never will.”

Facial Expressions and Arms Style

Human beings receive most nonverbal cues from the face. Because people primarily look at each other’s faces during communication, humans have evolved to understand facial cues the best. Professional card players rely so heavily on controlling their facial expressions that the term poker face is used to describe the ability to hide feelings behind a mask of non-expression. Interestingly, photographic studies show that even the most practiced card sharks can’t prevent the pupils of their eyes from expanding when they open a really good hand.
The general rule for arms, hands, legs, and feet is that closed positions (crossed arms and legs) signal resistance, and open positions signal receptivity.
The torso position can be the hardest to read because posture and seating position are often a matter of individual habit. Moreover, people don’t always have the opportunity to observe each other’s full torso during a meeting. Nevertheless, the torso can be a valuable source of meaning to the experienced observer.
The next time you’re at an airport or shopping mall, watch callers talk on their cell phones. See if you can guess who is on the other end of the line, just by observing the callers’ body language. Notice the positions of their bodies. If a person is cradling the phone affectionately, with head cocked and body draped languidly, a romantic interest is probably on the other end. If the person is shifting from foot to foot and looking around, an uncomfortable personal call is probably taking place. If the caller is standing erect and staring down at some notes or looking straight ahead in concentration, the call is, most likely, business related.

Look for Evidence of Listening

As you listen to the other party in a negotiation, be alert to the occasional indicators that the other person is not really listening to you. If the other person says something like “uh-huh” or “that’s interesting,” find out immediately whether this response is an expression of genuine interest, a way of postponing discussion, or — equally fatal to communication — a signal that he or she is fighting the dreaded doze monster. Those little demons that tug at the eyelids in the middle of the afternoon cause odd, nonspecific utterances to fall from the lips.
If you suspect the latter, ask a probing question or two to ferret out the truth. Asking, “‘Uh-huh’ yes you agree, or just ‘Uh-huh’ you heard me?” is a good way to flush out the noncommittal uh-huh.
When someone says “That’s interesting,” find out exactly what makes it interesting. Don’t be afraid to keep things lively. This approach is much better than having the conversation die right there at the negotiating table. If you decide that, indeed, your conversational partner is simply not listening, take a break. Often, a quick stretch or, in a more serious case of the afternoon slumps, a walk around the block helps revive everybody. If a distraction is causing the lagging interest in what you are saying, deal with it. Discuss the preoccupying problem or have the distracted party make that critical call.

Don’t allow too many pronouns

Beware the deadly pronoun: he, she, they, especially the infamous they and the power-gilded we. Pronouns can send you into a quagmire of misunderstanding. Every single day, it seems, I say to someone, “Too many pronouns.” During a negotiation, force your counterpart to use specific nouns and proper names. This preventive measure avoids a great deal of miscommunication.
With pronouns, you must guess which “they” or which “we” the speaker is talking about. Don’t guess. Just throw up your hands and say, with humor, “Too many pronouns.” I have never met anyone who begrudged me taking the time to clarify this issue. More often than not, the request is greeted with a chuckle. The potential for confusion is obvious, and everyone appreciates the effort to maintain clarity.

Don’t accept an assertion for the answer

A person who doesn’t want to answer your question may try instead to emphatically state something close to what you’re looking for. This technique is common when you’re asking for a commitment that the other party doesn’t want to make.
Sometimes, an assertion about the past is substituted for an answer about the future. For example, you ask whether a company plans to spend $50,000 on advertising in the next year. You receive an emphatic statement that the company has spent $50,000 each year for the past four years, that sales are rising, and that any company would be a fool to cut back now. Don’t settle for such assertions — push for an answer. Say something like “Does that mean that your company has made a final commitment to spend $50,000 for advertising this year?”
Because assertions are sometimes delivered with a great deal of energy or passion, you may feel awkward insisting on the answer to your question. Not persisting with the inquiry can be fatal to your interests.

Don’t tolerate the dodge

Politicians, as a group, seem specially trained to provide anything but an answer when asked a question. It’s almost as though there is some secret college for Congress members where they go to learn about the artful dodge. Just tune into the Sunday morning shows that feature our elected representatives. For example, if someone asks about the state of public education, the representative may launch into a dissertation about family values. It’s odd how many interviewers let elected officials get away with avoiding questions Sunday after Sunday. You don’t have to do that. Don’t accept the dodge when you ask a question. Recognize this tactic for what it is and repeat the question, this time insisting on a real answer or an exact time when you can expect an answer. When people say that they have to look into something and get back to you, about the only thing you can do (without making a rather obvious and frontal assault on their honesty) is wait. However, you can nail them down to a specific date and time that they will “get back to you.” If the question is important enough for the other side to delay (or not answer at all), the issue is important enough for you to press forward. Asking, “When can I expect an answer from you?” is a direct way of obtaining that information. Be sure to make a note of the reply.

Accept no substitutes

You are listening. You are asking all the right questions at the right time. You are patient. So why aren’t you getting the information you need? One of the following possibilities may exist:

• The person simply doesn’t understand your questions. You might try rephrasing your questions.
• The person simply doesn’t want to answer your questions. Maybe company policy prevents disclosure of the information. Maybe the person feels uncomfortable discussing a particular subject matter. If you believe this is true, make a note and find out the information elsewhere.
• The person is not good at answering questions. The avoidance is not deliberate or devious. Because of bad habits, sloppiness, or laziness, the person neglects to respond to your inquiry. Keep probing.
• The person doesn’t know the answer and is uncomfortable in saying so. If you suspect this, ask if the other person needs time to research the answer.
• The person is a pathological liar. In this case, run. Never negotiate with a liar — you can’t win.

In each of these cases, the result is the same. You are not getting a valuable piece of information. Take the suggested possibilities to get the information

Use your asks wisely

If you’re lucky, the opposing side will answer most of your questions before you ask them. That’s why you shouldn’t spew out your questions like a machine gun. Have patience. Only ask essential questions. If you don’t care about the answer one way or the other, don’t ask. You are granted only so many asks in any conversation. Don’t use them indiscriminately. Every child learns the futility of repeating the question, “Are we there yet?” At a negotiating table, you may never “get there” if you have overstepped the asking line. The consequences: The listener becomes oversensitive to your probing, which often translates into resistance to answering your queries. When someone becomes resistant in one area, they will be resistant in other areas and, therefore, unreceptive to your general position. That’s a high price to pay for asking too many questions.
To become a really good questioner, take some time after a negotiating session to think about the questions you asked. Identify the extraneous questions. Remember that every question should serve a purpose. You’re not looking for damage that was done in that particular negotiation; you’re evaluating the quality of the questions.

Ask again

When a speaker fails to answer your question, you have two choices, depending on the situation.

• Stop everything until you get your answer or a clear acknowledgment that your question will not be answered. Silence can be golden at these opportunities. Most of us are uncomfortable with silence. An individual may feel compelled to answer a difficult question if you remain silent after posing the question. “The next one who speaks loses.”
• Bide your time and ask the question later. If the question was worth asking in the first place, it’s worth asking again. Which of these two techniques you use depends on the situation. If the situation is fast paced and the information you requested is fundamental to decision making, use the first technique.

You can choose the second technique (to bide your time) whenever you know that you’ll have another opportunity to get the information, and you don’t need the information right away. Biding your time is always easier and less confrontational, but if you really need a piece of data, don’t be afraid to say, “Wait, I need to know. . . .” A good way to handle someone who doesn’t answer your question is to make a little joke out of the situation with a statement such as, “You’re leaving me in the dust,” or “I need to catch up.” No matter how serious the subject matter of the negotiation, a little humor never hurts, especially if you don’t spare yourself as a subject of that humor.
If the person makes a little joke back to avoid the question, you may have to shift back to a serious mode. Persevere until you either get an answer to your question or you realize that you must go elsewhere. If the other party isn’t going to answer your question, make a note of that fact so you remember to use other resources to get the answer you need.

Ask open-ended questions

Unlike simple yes-or-no questions, open-ended questions invite the respondent to talk — and enable you to get much more information. These are the types of questions to use when you want to find out a person’s opinion or gather some facts during the course of a negotiation. The more you get the other person to talk, the more information you learn. Yes-or-no questions limit choices and force a decision. These types of questions are called closed questions.
Here is a simple closed question requiring a yes-or-no answer:
“Do you like this car?”
An open-ended question, on the other hand, encourages the person to start talking:
“What do you like best about this car?”
Try some classic open-ended questions when you need to get information.
These questions invite the other party to open up and tell all:
“What happened next?’
“So how did that make you feel?”
“Tell me about that.”
Notice in the last example that you can ask a question in the declarative format (as a request rather than as a traditional question). That technique can be very useful if you’re dealing with a reluctant participant. People who won’t answer questions will sometimes respond to a direct order. Open-ended questions aren’t the only types of questions you can use to get people to talk. Here are some other types of questions to help get responses you need:

• Fact-finding questions: These questions are aimed at getting information on a particular subject. “Can you tell me the story about how you decided to bring this product to the market?”
  
• Follow-up questions: These questions are used to get more information or to elicit an opinion. “So after you do that, what would happen next?”
• Feedback questions: These questions are aimed at finding the difference that makes the difference. “May I say that back to you so I understand the difference between what you are proposing and what I was offering to do?”

Don’t assume anything

We all know that the word “assume” makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” When people make flagrant and obvious assumptions, they tend to make a joke about it. What most people don’t realize is how many times each day they make routine assumptions about the intention of the other speaker, without double-checking with that person.
Good listening requires that you don’t assume anything about the intention of the speaker. This rule is especially true in conversations with family, friends, and work associates. You learn how they use words and often know their verbal shorthand. This familiarity can lead you to presume that you understand a friend’s, family member’s, or co-worker’s point — without carefully considering what this person is actually saying to you. Be wary of jumping to conclusions about the speaker’s intent, especially with the important inner circle of people closest to you. Lawyers say, “Don’t assume facts not in evidence.” This legal principle covers a group of questions that are not allowed in a court of law. The most famous example of a question that assumes a fact is “When did you stop beating your wife?”
This question is actually a trap because the wording implies that you beat your wife in the past. This example demonstrates why such questions impede good communication. The question immediately puts someone on the defensive, and responding accurately is impossible if the underlying assumption is false. If the speaker’s purpose is to draw out the truth, these three questions are more objective:

• “Did you ever beat your wife?”
• (If yes) “Have you stopped beating your wife?”
• (If yes) “When did you stop beating your wife?”

In business, leading questions are often viewed as improper. At a minimum, they are challenging, which often leads to hostility. Here is an example:
“Why does your company insist on overcharging on this item?”
Now break down this question so it doesn’t assume any facts not in evidence. Again, to get at the information objectively requires three questions. It also eliminates the hostility.

• “What does your company charge for this item?”
• “What do other companies charge for this item?”
  
• “Why do you think this discrepancy in pricing exists?”

Note that in this example you and the other person may have different pricing information. Breaking the question down into three parts offers an opportunity to clear up this difference without getting into an argument. At home, such questions often get viewed as accusations. Because of the emotional ties, such questions can be even more off-putting than they are at work. They can launch an argument pretty quickly. Consider this question that assumes a fact that the other party may not agree with:
“Why won’t you ever talk about it?”
This particular example shows how such a question seems to assume an unwillingness to communicate. In fact, the other party may want to talk about “it” but doesn’t have the skill-set or the emotional strength or the trust to talk about a particular subject. Try breaking this question down so it contains no assumptions. Guess what — it takes three questions again. As you read these questions, play them out in your mind trying to picture the reaction of someone you’re close with.

• “Would you be willing to talk about it sometime?”
• “What are the circumstances that would make it easy for you?”
• “How can I help create those circumstances?”

Avoid leading questions

To get the most telling answers and objective information, don’t ask leading questions. Leading questions contain the germ of the answer you seek. Here is a typical example of a leading question:
The other person: “I have only used that golf club a couple of times.”
You: “How did you like the great weight and balance on that club?” Because your question contains a glowing editorial of the golf club, the other person will have a difficult time saying anything negative about it, even if that’s what he or she feels. A nonleading question, such as “How do you like it?” is neutral and more likely to elicit the truth. That’s what you want to hear. If the other person swallows his true opinion or simply fails to express it to you because of the way you asked the question, you are the loser. The other person hasn’t altered his feelings, he just hasn’t expressed them. You have lost an opportunity to influence him.
Here are some more examples of leading questions:

• “Don’t you think that such-and-such is true?”
• “Isn’t $10 the usual price of this item?”
• “Everyone agrees that this widget is best; don’t you?”

If phrased in a nonleading way, these questions are more likely to extract accurate information or honest opinions. Here are the same three questions reworded:

• “What do you think about such-and-such?”
• “What is the usual price of this item?”
• “Which widget do you think is best?”

Leading questions don’t help you improve your listening skills or get the highest quality information. As a sales tool, however, you may want to lead the person to purchase an item on terms favorable to you. When you’re closing a deal, the leading question may help lead the other person right to a close. In this section, we are looking at questions you ask to find out what the other party is thinking, not to affirm your own views or serve your own financial interests. In court, leading questions aren’t allowed. Witnesses are forced by the laws of evidence to give their own views, not to mimic what the lawyer wants. That’s because in court — as in this section — the focus is to find out what factual information the witness has to offer or what honest, independent opinion the witness has formed.

Ask, don’t tell

How you ask questions is very important in establishing effective communication.
Effective questions open the door to knowledge and understanding. But you must be watchful that asking questions does not evolve into you telling the other person instead of asking. You have probably heard a question like, “Isn’t it true that no one has ever charged that much for a widget?” or better yet, “Can you name one company that met such a deadline?” These are statements masked as questions. You usually can detect a shift from asking to telling by the tone of voice that the person uses as he or she asks these questions. The art of questioning lies in truly wanting to acquire the information that would be contained in the answer.
Effective questioning leads to the following:
_ Establishing rapport: Don’t try to impress others with your ideas; instead, establish rapport and trust by eliciting ideas from them and expressing how much you care about hearing their ideas. Rapport is the ability to understand and to connect with others, both mentally and emotionally. It’s the ability to work with people to build a climate of trust and respect. Having rapport doesn’t mean that you have to agree, but that you understand where the other person is coming from. It starts with accepting the other person’s point of view and his or her style of communication.
_ Better listening, deeper understanding: Oftentimes while you are talking, the other person is not listening but thinking about what he or she is going to say. When you ask questions, you engage the other person. He or she is much more likely to think about what you are saying. You lead the other person in the direction you want to take the conversation.
_ Higher motivation, better follow-up: The right answer will not be imposed by your questions. It will be found and owned by the other person, who will be more motivated to follow it up. Most people are much more likely to agree with what they say than with what you say.

Learn from negotiations by asking questions

To profit from experience, you must be open and willing to learn, even from what some people may consider a failure. What appears to be a failure can actually lead to new opportunities. That is why so many companies have postmortem meetings, especially after a negotiation that did not go so well. Use open-ended questions as a starting point for the next phase of learning. Here are a few such questions:

• What went well and why?
• What went less well and why?
• What would you do differently now?
• What would you do the same way?
• What went unexpectedly well and why?
• What went unexpectedly badly and why?
• What new assumptions/rules should be made?
• What additional information would have been helpful? How could you have foreseen what happened?
• How can you improve learning in the future?

How to avoid intimidation?

A sharp negotiator who is trying to sell you something may try to use a series of questions to direct you to toward a specific conclusion. Each question is designed to elicit a positive response — a “yes.” This sequence of questions leads to a final query posed in the same manner. When you respond in the affirmative to this final question, the negotiation is complete — and you have agreed to your counterpart’s terms.
That technique may work for what I call a one-off negotiation. By that I mean a negotiation with someone you never plan to see again, such as when you sell a car through a newspaper ad. It doesn’t work so well with people whom you plan to have a long-term relationship with. You want the other party to understand and be content with the outcome, not to be tricked into signing a piece of paper that he or she may regret later.
Some people use questions to intimidate or beat up on others. Someone may ask you, “Why in the world would you want to wear a hat like that?” You may be tempted to take off the hat and use it to pummel that person. The best answer, in such cases, is often no answer. Let a few beats go by and then go on without answering or acknowledging the question. Some conduct is unworthy of any of your time or energy. Don’t try to educate such a person on the niceties of living in a civilized society. It won’t work. Keep your eye on your own goal and ignore the diversion.

Asking Good Questions: A Real Power Tool

When you listen attentively, you make an incredible discovery. Sometimes, the person is not delivering the information you need. The chief tool of the good listener is a good question. Questions are marvelous tools for stimulating, drawing out, and guiding communication.
Asking a good question is a learned skill requiring years of training. The foundation of good question-asking is knowing what information you want to obtain. Here are seven handy guidelines for asking better questions — questions that are likely to get to the meat of things:

• Plan your questions in advance. Prepare what you’re going to ask about but don’t memorize the exact wording, or you’ll sound artificial. A script is too restrictive to flow naturally into the conversation. However, it pays to outline your purpose and a sequence of related questions. If you plan ahead, you can follow the speaker’s train of thought and harvest much more information. Pretty soon, the speaker is comfortably divulging information. The question-and-answer format can act as an aid to good communication rather than a block.
• Ask with a purpose. Every question you ask should have one of two basic purposes: to get facts or to get opinions (see Table 8-1 for examples of each). Know which is your goal and go for it, but don’t confuse the two concepts.
• Tailor your question to your listener. Relate questions to the listener’s frame of reference and background. If the listener is a farmer, use farming examples. If the listener is your teenager, make references to school life, dating, or other areas that will hit home. Be sure to use words and phrases the listener understands. Don’t try to dazzle your 5-year-old with your vast vocabulary or slip computer jargon in on your technologically handicapped, unenlightened boss.
• Follow general questions with more specific ones. These specific inquiries, called follow-up questions, generally get you past the fluff and into more of the meat-and-potatoes information. This progression is also the way that most people think, so you are leading them down a natural path. Never doubt how effective the follow-up question can be. It’s so powerful that most presidents of the United States do not allow reporters to ask them. Pay attention during the next White House news conference. Usually, one reporter asks one question, and then the president calls on the next reporter to avoid a follow-up question from the first reporter. The follow-up question is the one that ferrets out the facts.
• Keep questions short and clear — cover only one subject. Again, this tip helps you shape your questioning technique to the way the mind really works. People have to process your question. This is no time to show off. Ask simple questions. Questions are just a way to lead people into telling you what you want to know. If you really want to know two different things, ask two different questions. You’re the one who wants the information; you’re the one who should do the work. Crafting short questions takes more energy, but the effort is worth it. Pretty soon, the other party is talking to you about the subject, and you can drop the questioning all together.
• Make transitions between their answers and your questions. Listen to the answer to your first question. Use something in the answer to frame your next question. Even if this takes you off the path for a while, it leads to rich rewards because of the comfort level it provides to the person you are questioning. This approach also sounds more conversational and therefore less threatening. This is one reason why I urge you to plan your questions, not to memorize them.
• Don’t interrupt; let the other person answer the question! You’re askinthe questions to get answers, so it almost goes without saying that you need to stop talking and listen.

The film The Silence of the Lambs is an excellent example of each of the above elements of the question-and-answer dynamic. In one of the film’s pivotal scenes, FBI agent Clarice Starling questions the sinister Dr. Hannibal Lecter in his dungeon-like holding cell. She wants clues about a serial killer on the loose. Lecter offers to provide her with clues if she provides him with stories of her past. Watch how Starling quietly listens to Lecter’s questions and how she asks for the clues to help her find the killer. Both parties ask direct and tailored questions planned in advance. Watch the question-and-answer scenes in the film for a lesson not only in how to ask questions, but also in how to wait patiently for the answer.

How big’s your pocket?

I wish I could say that I always eliminated the confusions that occur when vague terms are used. The truth is that people think that they don’t have time to do so. Sometimes, you just want to get out of a conversational situation, and the last thing you want to do is prolong things by making absolutely sure that you have all the details correct. Other times, being specific just doesn’t seem that important. Rarely do any of these “reasons” outweigh the benefits of getting specific information.
I recently had a meeting with a wealthy investor. When we were finished discussing the subject of our meeting, he mentioned that he had given “pocket money” to one of my clients. I took that, quite literally, as a small amount of reimbursement for nonspecific expenses. I thought, “Oh, that’s nice” and said as much. In the South, we call that kind of money “walking around money.” Later, I learned that he had written a check for $100,000 and was annoyed and frustrated with my client at the way the money was being spent. He was also unhappy with me for not rectifying the situation after he had informed me about it. Needless to say, I was shocked to learn all of this from a trusted friend whom the investor and I had in common. Fortunately, we were able to remedy the problem right away.
If his comment had been the subject of the meeting, I would have sought clarification at the moment. As it was, I didn’t give the comment much thought, and his annoyance continued to simmer until I heard the complaint clearly two weeks later and was able to fix it. This story is a happy one because I learned the details fairly quickly. The situation could have smoldered and seriously damaged my client’s and (unfairly) my own relationship with that investor. And why? Lack of clarity. When my client explained carefully and completely how the money was being spent, the investor was not only satisfied, he advanced more money. Some of the best time you can spend in almost any situation is that extra moment it takes to make sure that everyone is communicating clearly.

Clarifying relativity

Requiring others to define relative words is just as important as asking them to explain specific pieces of jargon. Relative words are nonspecific, descriptive words that only have meaning in relation to something else. Here are some examples of relative words that can create a great deal of confusion:
• Cheap
• High quality
• Large
• Many
• Soon
• Substantial
Don’t be shy about asking for clarification when someone lays one of these words on you. If the person insists on using generalities, as some people do, press for a range. If you still don’t get a specific answer, supply two or three ranges and force the person to choose one.
Let’s say your new customer says, “We’re thinking of placing a big order with you.” That’s good news if you and your new customer both use the words “big order” the same way. But you need to ask for specifics. If your customer doesn’t answer with a number, you can say, “Do you mean more like ten, or maybe about a hundred, or would it be closer to a thousand?” Whatever the answer is, just say “thank you.” Don’t belabor the point that you wouldn’t call that a “big order.” You should make a note of the information, as well. These situations offer a great opportunity to find out more about the company that you’re dealing with. It’s a good time to ask questions about the normal size of the orders from this company, why it’s changing now, and other pieces of information that will help you service this client much better.

Understanding Information Gathering

Don’t be shy or embarrassed about asking someone to clarify a statement. Many people use jargon or shorthand when they talk, so you can’t always be sure of what they mean. For example, when I met with the head of marketing for the For Dummies book series, she started talking about the AMC. I teased her about the jargon that, to me, meant American Multi Cinema, a large chain of motion picture theaters. She quickly identified AMC as the advanced marketing chapter, which is sent to various buyers months before the entire book is ready for print. This situation was easy to handle because the brand manager was happy to clarify. I just needed to ask.
A slightly more difficult situation arises when you are both in the same industry, and the other person assumes that you know the meaning of words that he or she is using. You may feel embarrassed to ask for the meaning under that circumstance, because you think that you should know. You can handle this situation by saying, “Just to be sure that we are using our shorthand in the same way, tell me exactly how you define XYZ.” When the other person gives you his or her definition, use it. Here are three useful responses when the other party defines a term for you:
_ “That’s great! We use that phrase the same way.” _ “Glad I asked; we use that phrase a little differently, but we can go with your definition.”
_ “Thanks, I just learned something new.”
If you really think the other person is miles off the target and some real damage may be done if you use the word his or her way instead of your way, say: “We should define that term in the written agreement so others won’t get confused. You and I know what we are talking about, but we want to be sure that everyone else does, too.” Don’t get into a battle over definitions. There’s a third situation in which you may run into jargon. Some people, particularly doctors, lawyers, and accountants, use jargon to impress others with their knowledge, power, or position.
As often as not, they use this device on their own clients. Use the preceding techniques to get clear on the conversation, but if the problem is chronic, look for another professional to serve your needs.

The Art of Coaxing Out Information

Effective listening requires probing. No one says everything you want to hear in the exact order, depth, and detail that you prefer. You have to ask. No phrase describes the job of questioning better than tickle it out. Questions are a way of coaxing out information that you want or need. In a trial, the question-and-answer format rules the proceedings. Attorneys and the judge can talk to each other in declarative sentences, but all the testimony is presented in the somewhat artificial format of question-and-answer. In court, the purpose of every question should be to obtain specific information. If the question isn’t answered directly, it needs to be asked in another way. The rules in the courtroom are pretty specific; as a matter of etiquette, you should apply similar rules in a business meeting. For example, courtesy prohibits you from barraging the other side with rapid-fire questions; court rules prevent the same thing.
Developing the ability to ask good questions is a lifelong effort. If you have the opportunity to observe a trial, notice that the primary difference between the experienced attorney and the less-experienced attorney is the ability of the former to ask the right question at the right time. Almost without fail, the key question is not a bombastic, confrontational inquiry, but a simple, easy-to-understand question designed to extract specific information. An excellent example of tickling it out occurred in the O. J. Simpson murder trial during the questioning of police officer Mark Fuhrman. Lengthy, softspoken questions led up to the simple query, “In the last ten years, have you used the ‘n’ word?” “No,” the officer replied. “Are you sure?” the attorney asked. “Yes, sir,” Mark Fuhrman responded. There were no fireworks, no victory dances at that point, but the quiet exchange permanently altered the trial. Because Fuhrman’s statement wasn’t true, the defense was able to call witness after witness to impeach his testimony. Eventually, the truth about Fuhrman’s behavior smashed against that statement so explosively that every other piece of evidence was damaged. Fuhrman and all his co-workers were hurt by those brief words so gently tickled out during questioning. About the only place you can regularly see trained people posing careful questions is on the cable channel Court TV. It makes documentary series related to courts and the law, and it airs real trials as they’re happening. Tune in to one of the televised trials where you can see the question-asking process in a carefully structured environment. You can learn a great deal about how to ask questions by watching these court proceedings. Watch and listen as the lawyers ask their questions. Obviously, various attorneys have different skill levels. Some are better than others. Watching these men and women in action sensitizes you to the good and bad aspects of questioning. Okay, I know Columbo is a television show, but the entire series is available on DVD! The famous detective, performed so consistently by Peter Falk, perfectly demonstrates the key skill of a good negotiator: asking really good questions. You will find Columbo using every type of question and listening to the answer. No single source better demonstrates how to ask questions. You can learn much more from Columbo. Study the man. Let him be your mentor as he entertains you. He also has incredible integrity. He sets his goal and never wavers. His steely determination brings victory in the toughest of circumstances.

Listening Your Way up the Corporate Ladder

In a negotiation, silence is golden — in fact, it is money in the bank. Remember, you can’t listen and talk at the same time (not to yourself or to anyone else). Many a negotiation has been blown — and many a sale lost — because someone kept talking long after discussion was necessary or desirable. Conversely, many an opportunity to gain valuable information has been lost because the listening activity stops too soon. One of the best ways to control a meeting is to listen to everyone in the room. Pretty soon you’ll be running the meeting. If a big talker is monopolizing the negotiation, that person probably doesn’t even recognize that others want to contribute to the discussion. Stifle your instinct to grab the floor yourself. Instead, point out someone else who looks as though he or she is trying to talk. “Jane, you look like you had a comment on that.” Jane appreciates it, others appreciate it, and you suddenly control the meeting even if you’re the junior person at the table. Sometimes others can make your point for you. If you find that you still have something to add, the group will probably let you do so. You are now a hero, even to members of the other negotiating team. When you do say something, everyone listens out of appreciation — if not admiration. Various studies have shown that successful people listen better than their counterparts — especially on their way up. Ironically, great success sometimes causes a person to be a less sensitive listener, usually to that person’s detriment. The most visible example is the president of the United States, who must listen well during the rise to political power. However, a sitting president can easily become cut off from the very people who helped in the ascent. The isolated president is a common feature of the American political landscape. To become successful in the business world and stay successful, you must be a good listener. Here are some examples of the importance of listening effectively while you’re on the clock:

• Many managers face setbacks in their careers when they prejudge an employee before they hear all sides of the story. If you want to gain respect as a manager, gather all the data from all the parties before you take any action.
• New employees need to listen first when they enter a meeting or a department. Get the lay of the land. Resist that first verbal contribution, which will be everyone’s first impression of you, until you know that the contribution is a good one.
• Salespeople lose sales when they talk more than they listen. The successful ones use empathetic statements to show they understand what the customer is saying and how he or she is feeling. Broadway Danny Rose is one of Woody Allen’s best films. You don’t have to like Woody Allen to like this movie. It’s all about some very senior stand-up comics (has-been, borscht-belt guys) sitting around New York’s famous Carnegie Deli reminiscing about the life of a renegade agent named Danny Rose (played by Woody Allen).

During the movie, note that Woody Allen’s character talks nonstop without ever stopping to think what he is saying. But he hangs in there. Give that man points for tenacity. His negotiating success is purely accidental from a technical point of view. He never uses any of the negotiating skills in this book. You may wonder why people spend the time and effort becoming good negotiators when people like Broadway Danny Rose can succeed without skills. The movie demonstrates just how accidental his success is. Life is sweeping this man along. He just keeps talking.

Wake yourself up

If you are truly interested in what the other party is saying, look the part.
Keep your eyes focused. Acknowledge the other party’s words with a nod.
However, if you feel yourself getting drowsy, don’t give in. Sit up straighter. Stand up. Get the blood flowing in whatever way works for you. Don’t think that you can effectively hide flagging interest without changing your physical position. If you are tired, it will show. And if boredom sets in, don’t expect a lively conversation and don’t expect a good negotiation. In your very next conversation, just for the fun of it, assume the most attentive position you can. Observe how this change in behavior improves your listening skills. Follow these tips for enhancing your next conversation:

• Uncross your arms and legs.
• Sit straight in the chair.
• Face the speaker full on.
• Lean forward.
• Make as much eye contact as you can.

Ask questions and count to three

Asking questions is so important. I won’t detract by trying to abbreviate the subject here. Just remember that asking the right questions at the right times, and listening to the answers, can move a negotiation forward in a way that nothing else can.
One. Two. Three. Here’s an extraordinarily simple device to help you listen more effectively. Just count to three before you speak. This slight delay enables you to absorb and understand the last statement before you respond. The delay also announces that you have given some thought to what you are about to say. It gives oomph to the words that will come out of your mouth. As you practice this skill over time, counting may not be necessary, but the pause always pays off. You absorb the message, and you give the other party one last chance to modify the statement or question. Even if your response is simply that you must consult with your client, spouse, or boss, pausing for three beats helps you better comprehend and remember what the other person said.

Taking notes now for pauses later

Taking notes is helpful at many points in a negotiation, but note taking can also be a pause button. In fact, one of the best times to pull out your pen is when you need to pause. Writing down statements that con-fuse or upset you is an excellent way to push pause. Rather than blurting out an inappropriate or angry response, tell the speaker to hold on while you write down the statement. Asking the other party to check what you’ve writ-ten to be sure that you got it right can be enormously effective if the words upset you. The process of putting those words to paper almost always causes the other party to backtrack, amend, or better yet, erase the words altogether. You’ll find that most people don’t want their unreasonable statements on paper for all the world to see.

Checking with the boss: A classic that needs a little prep

If you plan to consult with your boss as a means of pushing pause in a negotiation, you should let the other party know that you don’t have final say. However, like everything else in a negotiation, don’t try to use this reason unless you have a boss whom you have to check with from time to time. Admitting early in the negotiation that you don’t have final authority is often beneficial. Make it clear that someone above you must approve the decision. That way, the other party won’t get angry with you. Working this information into the beginning of your negotiating formalizes the pause button and sets the tone for a thoughtful, considered negotiation.

Telling the Other Person That You Need a Pause

Everyone has a different way of pushing the pause button. Sometimes, how you push pause depends on the situation. Here are some of the more common pause buttons you can use:

• Ask for a night to think the negotiation over. Most people will respect your request to “sleep on it.”
• Excuse yourself to the restroom. Who’s going to refuse that request?
  
• For a short break, just lean back in your chair and say, “Wait a minute, I have to take that in.” For a dramatic touch, try closing your eyes or rub-bing your chin.
• In a business situation, having someone with whom you have to consult before giving a final answer is a convenient excuse for pressing pause. Simply say, “I’ll have to run this by my partner (or family or consultants or whomever) and get back to you at 9 tomorrow morning.”

So that’s the idea: Your pause button is anything you do to create a space so you can think over your next move. In chess, those breaks can take so long that competitive chess has rules about how long the thinking time can be. At the end of the time, a buzzer goes off. In a negotiation, nothing dictates the length of breaks. You have to fight to create the time instead of being forced out of time by an artificial time limit.

The pause button in High and Low

High and Low is a film based on the novel King’s Ransom by American novelist Ed McBain. It’s a movie about kidnapping and a mis-assessed situation. See how this subject matter is handled in the hands of one of cinema’s greatest directors, Akira Kurosawa.
This classic movie features one of the great actors of our day, Toshiro Mifune. He plays a wealthy businessman who must work through his moral, ethical, and financial dilemma when his chauffeur’s son is mistakenly kidnapped instead of his own. What a negotiation! And even though the film is subtitled, you will have no trouble following the story.
Notice, first, how the professional negotiator —the senior law enforcement official — begins the process by pushing the pause button. Everybody has to settle down and wait. Next, they gather more information about the boy who was kidnapped and information about the demands. When the phone rings, the professional negotiator dons a pair of earphones and listens. The detectives record the message so they can listen to it again and again. This way, clear communications are ensured. The kidnapper is very bright. He never stays on the line long enough to be traced, and he knows Japanese law, which he cites during the conversation.
One of the detectives calls him the “smartest crook I ever saw.” But they still don’t know much about him and don’t seem to be trying very hard to gather information about him. You quickly note that this lack of preparation —which leads the police to speculate about the kidnapper and his motives — hurts the negotiation because the detectives are acting on hunches that turn out to be wrong. It makes you want to throw your Negotiating For Dummies book at the screen.
You think the movie is going to focus on the hostage situation. Instead, the plot turns to the negotiation between the wealthy industrialist and everyone else in his life as he decides whether to pay the ransom. The movie goes on from there, picking up speed each time one phase of the story ends and a new one begins.

Defining the Pause Button

Pushing your pause button is the best way to keep some emotional distance during high-stress situations — at home, at work, anywhere you need a little space. I teach this method in my negotiation courses to explain the concept that waiting is good — that doing nothing is sometimes the right action. I tell students, “If you’re getting stressed out, don’t just do something . . . sit there.”
Pushing the pause button just means putting the negotiations on hold for a moment or an hour or an evening while you sort things out. Everyone owns a pause button, so to speak, and everyone pushes it in a different way. When you push the pause button, you freeze-frame the negotiation — much as you freeze-frame a movie on the television screen with your remote control or on your computer. You step away, physically or psychologically, to review the work you have done up to that point and check over your plan for the rest of the negotiation. You take a break. It may be purely mental; it may be imperceptible to the other side; but you give yourself whatever time it takes to review matters before you continue. This focused review is a separate activity from the other basic elements of negotiation. It gives you an opportunity to regroup, catch your breath, and be sure that you aren’t missing anything. The pause button gives you that little bit of emotional distance that allows you to make the decisions you want to make in your business and your life.
Pushing the pause button gives you the opportunity to review the entire process of negotiating and to make sure that you aren’t overlooking anything. It allows you to avoid getting boxed into a corner. By pushing the pause button, you keep your emotions from ruling (and ruining) the negotiation. Knowing how to use your pause button is so important that I include a pause button on the Cheat Sheet at the beginning of this book. Tear out this pause button and carry it with you until you develop one of your own. Whenever negotiations get heated, having this card with you should serve as a reminder to press your internal pause button. (The back of this card lists the basic skills of negotiation. After you press pause is a good time to review these skills as they relate to the negotiation at hand.) I am told that senior executives across the country have taped this little card to their computer screens.

How to Really Garble Communication

Sometimes I can talk all day about how to improve communication and
people never get it. In the spirit of fun, here are some handy tongue-in-cheek
tips for people who strive to be bad communicators, to stay unclear, and to
keep creating quagmires and confusion in their lives.
Use these six little secrets to keep your life in chaos. Use them in business
and at home to keep things in turmoil. These are also handy ways to ensure a
high employee turnover.

Raise your voice
If you really don’t want to get your point across, just begin shouting or scolding.
Either response prevents any further intelligent discourse. This rule is
particularly important when a language barrier prevents someone from
understanding you. When someone doesn’t understand your language, just
talk louder. Loud communicates the same message to people all around the
world. Loud is disrespectful. Loud characterizes someone you don’t want to
do business with.

Leave out details
Details let the other person know exactly what you want or need. Leave the
message fuzzy if you want to continue having bad communication. Details
take time. You can shave valuable minutes off the average communication by
leaving out the details. After all, it only takes a few hours to clean up most
messes created by such an omission.

Don’t check to see if you were understood
This rule is very important for would-be bad communicators. If you spend
time checking to see whether you were understood, all the other efforts you
make to be a bad communicator can be thrown out the window. Don’t give
the other person a chance to say, “I didn’t understand xyz.” Otherwise, you’ll
have to clarify. If you want to be unclear, do your deed and skedaddle before
anybody can ask any questions.

Walk away and talk at the same time
Toss your request, instruction, or demand flippantly over your shoulder as
you are walking away from the person to whom you are speaking. Preferably,
avoid looking at the other person during conversation. This technique denies
virtually any possibility of being understood. And you haven’t wasted those
precious seconds required to face the person you are talking to and make eye
contact.

Assume that everyone understands you
If you are a bad communicator, you already know about the dangers of assuming
information, but we thought we would remind you anyway about the most
popular tool of the unclarity trade. Just send an old-fashion telegram when a
detailed letter is needed.

Don’t permit any objections or questions
Heck, don’t permit any response. The other person may be taking up your
time to understand the niggling information. Toss out whatever you have to
say and cut off the discussion. Anything further would just help clarify what
you are saying.

A slur of any kind

We are well into the 21st century and, in the United States at least, negative comments about the race, gender, sexual orientation, or national origin of another person are no longer widely tolerated. Many people are concerned with being “politically correct.” There are those who are offended at any inquiry that could even identify these traits, such as “What kind of a name is that?” Unless you know differently for sure, steer clear of the most innocent of references unless they are relevant.
If the information is irrelevant, you should even avoid neutral statements such as, “The person was a woman” or “The man was from China.” You may receive an angry response, such as “Just what is that supposed to mean?” “Why did you mention that?” Worse yet, the person you are speaking to may think those thoughts without verbalizing them. This situation raises a barrier to communication that you won’t even know exists. Even if you are with a group that seems to be quite open about expressing whatever they happen to think or feel about another group, don’t join in. Be discreet. You never know who may be suffering in silence — feeling outnumbered and helpless.
Oh sure, you may be able to disparage all members of a certain group in the privacy of your own home with impunity. But even there, I urge you to curtail such comments. Those attitudes are too easily passed on to the young, and the slurs have a nasty way of showing up in conversation outside the home. The last thing you want in a tough negotiation is to let an offensive phrase slip out just when you want to close. You can lose the deal you are working on and the trust and confidence of your counterpart in the negotiation. Unwitting slurs can stop a negotiation in its tracks. You may be pegged forever as a bigot; and some people don’t negotiate with bigots. If you have some bad habits in this area, work on cleaning up your language.

You’ll never work in this town again

This is a bully’s threat. Everyone has observed this bullying behavior. Once is enough. Threats never win the hearts and minds of the person you are attempting to persuade. In today’s litigious society, threats are not smart. “You’ll never work in this town again” used to be a stock phrase in the entertainment industry, uttered furiously by the tirading studio executive dealing with a recalcitrant actor or writer. An executive at Twentieth Century Fox once issued this threat to an actor who refused to accept a lesser credit than his contract guaranteed for work on a television series. The series ultimately failed, and, guess what? The actor was unemployed for several years. The actor sued Twentieth Century Fox, attributing his long period of unemployment to the studio’s threat. Who knows, he may have been out of work anyway, but given the threat, the jury sided with the actor and awarded an enormous judgment.
People in positions of power often get frustrated when someone of lesser status refuses what they view as a simple and reasonable request. Usually, the next step is a plea to “play ball.” Then some avuncular advice follows, such as “You know, you really would be better off helping us out of this one,” or “We’ll make it up to you on the next one.” When the person isn’t persuaded, the power player often pops a cork.
Good manners, common sense, and the growing body of employment law all favor the threatened person. Don’t resort to this tactic. You could lose the farm.

“Take it or leave it”

Even when you are making your final offer, presenting the deal as a “take it or leave it” proposition is a mistake. Even if the other side accepts the offer, the deal leaves them feeling bad about the decision. Unbelievably, we have heard of people putting such an unpleasant tag on an offer that was otherwise okay. This label makes the offer sound bad even if the terms are reasonable. If you hear this phrase, evaluate the offer on the merits, not on the way it was delivered. Especially if you are a professional negotiator, figure out if the offer is acceptable based on what you want out of the negotiation.

Don’t let a bad negotiating style confuse you. If you are negotiating for yourself, and you must continue working with your counterpart in this deal, you may want to consider whether you can maintain an ongoing relationship with a person who is bullying you with “take it or leave it” statements. If you are making a final offer, say so without using the antagonistic take-it-orleave-it phrase. If you are feeling frustrated and anticipating a refusal, push the pause button. When you are feeling that way, it is hard to calmly explain the reasons that this must be the final offer. You are likely to use this verboten phrase (“Take it or leave it”) or something similar. That approach hurts you in the long run because you look like a bully. And you don’t increase the chance of your proposal being accepted.

“I’m going to be honest with you”

So has this person been dishonest all along? This cliché is the cousin to the phrase, “I’m not going to lie to you.” It makes you wonder, “Oh? Would you lie to someone else?”
William Shakespeare’s great line delivered by Queen Gertrude in Hamlet is, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” Shakespeare knew a great deal about human nature. When people loudly declare their innocence, they almost always lose credibility. Gertrude says that the Player Queen affirms too insistently to be believed. So those who are always reassuring you about their honesty probably aren’t being very honest with you.

“Trust me”

This overused term is now the hallmark phrase in motion pictures for the producer who is not to be trusted. People who must say “trust me” are often the very people who don’t deserve to be trusted. When someone says “trust me” as a substitute for providing the specific details you requested, be very cautious. Ask again for a commitment. If the person balks, explain that it’s not a question of trust, but an acknowledgment of the fact that circumstances change. Explain that the agreement must be enforceable, even if the current negotiators are no longer accessible. You want an agreement so clear that you don’t have to trust the other person.