If You’re Not the Only One to Pause

Your awareness of the pause button sets you apart from other negotiators. But don’t worry if the other side is also aware of this technique. Don’t think of the pause button as a top-secret weapon because, when your negotiating counterparts have their own pause buttons, the negotiations proceed even more smoothly and come to a more satisfactory resolution. Sometimes you have the strong sense that the other person needs to push the pause button. Never say so in so many words. Instead, be very explicit about your need to take a break. Mince no words.

• “I need a break.”
• “You know, things are getting a little heated in here. Can I take five?”
• “Let’s call it quits for a while. Can we get together tomorrow morning to pick this back up?”

Consider how non-threatening those words are. Contrast that approach with sentences that use the word “you” a lot. For instance, “Hey, pal, you really need to cool off. Let’s take a break.” No matter how you tone that sentence down, the other party will put up resistance or react negatively. When you request a pause, you should focus on your needs and wants, not the other side. When someone else asks for a break, be very cautious before you resist it. If a person needs thinking time or needs a moment to regroup, allow it. In fact, take a break yourself. But be alert. If you conclude, after one or two breaks, that the other party is unfocused or is not paying attention, you may decide to try to extend a session. You have to distinguish between the other party using a pause button and the other party just being restless or tired. Allowing the other party to push the pause button, or pushing your own pause button, makes the negotiating process more focused, effective, and pleasant for everyone involved.

Pausing under pressure

Some negotiators use pressure to get what they want from you. They may impose an artificial deadline, use emotional “hurry up” language, or ask intimidating questions, such as “Don’t you trust me?” or “What else could you possibly need to know?” Don’t give in to these pressures. Tell whoever is bullying you into reaching a decision that if you’re not allowed to use your pause button, you’re not going to negotiate with him at all. Sometimes the pause button is your only defense against being pressured into making a decision based on someone else’s deadline.
Decisions made under artificial pressures — especially time pressures imposed by the other side in a negotiation — are often flawed, simply because the decision maker does not have sufficient time to consult that most personal of counselors, the inner voice. (Chapter 10 can get you in touch with your own inner voice.)
If you’re feeling pressure to reach a decision immediately, you can even push the pause button to assess whether you need to push the pause button. Take a few moments to consider whether the pressure for a speedy response is reasonable. Certain external circumstances do require immediate decisions. However, they are few and far between, especially in a business negotiation.

Pausing before a concession

Every request for a concession calls for pushing the pause button. Your moment of reflection gives the concession some significance. You must treat the concession as significant, or you aren’t perceived as having made a concession — the other party doesn’t realize he or she has gained anything. No concession is unimportant. By emphasizing each concession in your own mind, you have not given ground for naught. This is not just an act. A pause, no matter how slight, before making a concession gives you an opportunity to be sure it’s the right thing to do in addition to giving the concession some importance. You want to be sure that you always have something left to give up in order to hold onto what is important to you.
The obvious and easiest example is conceding a price too quickly. Too often, a quick concession robs the other party of the good feelings that she rightfully deserves after making a good bargain. It leaves the other party feeling that she priced the article too low and that she could have gotten more if she’d been smarter. Although that may be true, what advantage is it to you that she feels that way? None. Worse, now she’s out to prevent that mistake from occurring the next time you negotiate, or she compensates by taking a hard line on another aspect of the deal. Giving a concession too quickly can have ramifications across the board.