Phrases You Should Never Use during a Negotiation

Clear communication is as much about getting rid of bad habits as it is about acquiring any new skills. As you look over this section, ask yourself whether you do any of the things that interfere with communications. Getting rid of those habits will serve you better than any new skill. The truth is, being clear requires periodic checkups like an annual physical. Everyone needs to look at this aspect of home and office life from time to time. Bad habits creep into communications rather easily.
Certain phrases go “clunk” against the ear every time you hear them. Here are some phrases that have little place in life, let alone a negotiation. When you hear these phrases, a yellow caution light should start flashing in your head. These phrases often indicate a situation that needs to be addressed. And if you hear one or more of these utterances come out of your mouth, stop immediately. Laugh about the slip or apologize, but don’t assume that the listener doesn’t have the same set of yellow caution lights that you do. Maybe the listener doesn’t, but you can’t take that risk.

Worst case: The deal closesa

When a lack of clarity is a major factor in a negotiation, the biggest disasters occur when the deal closes and no one realizes that confusion remains. When written contracts are to follow, a lack of clarity is usually caught by the lawyers during the drafting stage, and the ambiguity can be worked out. In a less formal situation, the confusion generally isn’t discovered until much later. When that happens, both sides feel cheated and misled. People are rarely neutral about the cause of miscommunications. Blame is never far behind the discovery that the two parties failed to communicate well. Each party feels intentionally misled. The acrimony often permanently damages the relationship between the parties. The fallout often damages reputations, too. The truth of the matter is that the results of an intentional lie and a mere miscommunication are often about the same. Preventing an innocent miscommunication is well worth the extra energy expended.

The prices you pay without even knowing

Deals that don’t close are to be expected if you’re not clear during the negotiations. The harder item to assess is how the dynamic of the discussion changes when communications are not clear.
When you are not clear, the other party feels insecure. Rather than confront you on your lack of clarity, the person you’re negotiating with often just compensates in one of two ways:

• Reciprocal obfuscation: That term simply means that the other party starts to be unclear, too. (I love the irony of using a hard-to-understand phrase to describe things that are hard to understand.) The other party doesn’t know where you stand, because you are not being clear. So, they won’t feel comfortable making a clear commitment either. This situation substantially slows down a negotiation and may make productive communication almost impossible.
• Leaving lots of room to maneuver: If you are not clear, others won’t feel safe enough to tell you specifically what they want. Rather than commit to a position, your counterpart will leave lots of room to maneuver, until you clarify where you want to end up.

These consequences are almost impossible to detect. Instead, you begin blaming the lack of clarity or indecisiveness on the other party. If you run into one of these behaviors, see whether the problem didn’t start with you. Even if it didn’t — even if you are dealing with someone who is naturally unclear or reluctant to take a position — you can push that person to greater clarity or decisiveness by communicating more clearly yourself.

Deals that disappear because being unclear

A common example of lack of clarity occurs when one party intentionally makes an unrealistic opening offer. Early in the negotiation, one person throws out an outrageous opening offer although it is intended as a trial balloon, it is presented as though it were a reasonable offer or worse, as something for which there is very little negotiating room. If the offer doesn’t get the expected reaction (shock, disbelief, laughter, and ultimately bursting of the balloon), the person who made the offer often recounts, with great animation, that the other person “didn’t even bat an eye.”
Too much is made of the fact that a counterpart doesn’t faint when an unrealistic number is offered. What you don’t hear about so often is the follow-up. As I was writing this blog, I purposely followed up every time I heard such a story. I tracked the negotiations to see the results. I was not totally surprised to discover that — in a majority of the cases — the deals fell through. In all but one case, the reason was an excuse other than the initial high demand, such as scheduling conflicts, changing concepts, and postponements. This little study of mine was not scientific in any way, but it provided interesting support for my theory. When you start with an opening offer or a demand that is well outside the reasonable range, the other side will often slink away rather than get involved in a futile negotiation.
It would be difficult to ascertain what percentage of negotiations never get underway because the initial demand was too high. I believe that it happens more often than most people suspect. The person who is turned off may never say a word to the party making the demand. Think of your own behavior. If you think the prices in a boutique are outrageous, do you say so? Or do you smile at the shopkeeper and say, “Just looking”?

The highest cost of being unclear

The first Gulf War (Desert Storm) may well have been avoided if the diplomats had been clearer in the days just before the invasion of Kuwait by Iraq. President Saddam Hussein of Iraq wanted to destroy Kuwait for a number of reasons — all of which were good and valid to him. He was not prepared to take on the United States, let alone the entire world. Therefore, he met for several hours with America’s Ambassador April Glaspie. The ambassador said to Hussein, “We have no opinion on Arab-Arab conflicts, like your border disagreement with Kuwait.”
Astonishing.
The ambassador insists that there was more to the discussion than was printed in the transcript, but she doesn’t deny these comments. A disparity exists between the two parties’ renditions. Assume that each party related the events as accurately as possible. Obviously, they were not as clear with each other at the time of the original discussion as they were in the reporting of the discussion afterward.
Even Hussein’s telling of the tale indicates some lack of clarity regarding his intentions toward Kuwait. He never said his intention was to eliminate Kuwait from the face of the earth. On the other hand, the United States never even hinted at the kind of response that was ultimately invoked. Obviously, the communication was not clear. Clear communications may or may not have prevented the Gulf War. A clear message from the United States to Iraq may not have been believed. Perhaps Iraq was willing to wage war against the United States for some mysterious reason. The world will never know. However, documents show that within the month before the invasion, the United States communicated directly to Saddam Hussein in a way that caused him to think Iraq could cross the border into Kuwait without repercussions. If you ever question the wisdom of being clear, please think for a moment about the men and women who died in the Gulf War and their families who still miss them. Every war provides stories of the high human price paid for failed communications. In World War II, Japan actually intended to send us a two-hour warning before the attack on Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941. The Japanese decoder at the embassy was out sick that day, and his replacement could not type. Consequently, the message wasn’t delivered to anybody in authority until after the fact.

General distractions

Other barriers to clarity can be fatigue, laziness in preparation, or the clutter of distracting interruptions.

• Fatigue: You may be just plain tired and unable to focus. Pay attention to your body’s signals. Sometimes a brisk walk outdoors revives you. Good nutrition and adequate rest are requirements for a master negotiator. If you eat right and get plenty of sleep, you can eliminate the need for cup after cup of coffee to stay alert. But, in a pinch, an occasional dose of caffeine works, too.
• Laziness: You may not have prepared well enough and you are dreading being clear on some facts that are unsubstantiated. If this situation strikes a familiar chord, do your homework.
• Interruptions: Your listener may be doodling or not making eye contact. The room temperature may be extreme. Noise levels may be too high for you to be heard clearly. Hopefully, you are assertive enough to request these changes appropriately.

If the conversation or negotiation is important, be sure that you are well rested, prepared, and in an environment where clear communications can be heard.

Fear of hurting someone else

Often, people avoid hurting the feelings of others not out of compassion, but out of self-protection. Everyone wants to be liked; no one wants to be shunned. Toward that legitimate social end, you have probably learned to obfuscate with a vengeance.
I’ve developed some stock phrases to use after a bad play or a weak film when the producers cluster around to hear my praise. “Very interesting” is one of the most damning. “Brave” is good. “Top of the genre” is probably my noncommittal favorite. Sometimes, when a work is a “work in progress,” such vague statements are suited to your purpose of encouraging the creators. Such phrases are intended to mask the truth, and they do just that. Being clear and being confrontational are two different things. If you have bad news to deliver, do so with dignity and respect for the person’s feelings. Even if you feel, in every fiber of your being, that the person is overreacting to your news, don’t say so. Let the feelings run their course. But don’t flinch or amend your statement. Just wait. This, too, shall pass. Being clear in such situations takes strength and confidence. Never sacrifice clarity to avoid confrontation. Your desire to do so generally masks the real motive — which is to spare yourself the discomfort or trauma of delivering bad news.

Fear of rejection

Everyone has a built-in fear factor. You may be afraid that if you present your ideas clearly, the listener will reject you or your conclusions. The natural inclination is to avoid rejection by blurring lines, being unclear, and failing to state your case accurately.
Instead, you postpone the inevitable. After all, when the listener eventually understands you, he rejects the concept with the added energy that comes from frustration. “Why didn’t you say so?” he asks. “Why did you waste my time?” he demands. These are tough questions to answer. If it is true that an accurate statement of intent would cause the deal to fall apart, being clear is even more important. When you close a deal without being clear, the parties have different understandings and expectations. You are finalizing a bad deal. In fact, you are closing a deal that cannot possibly work.

When You Have to Say No

Sometimes, you just need to say no, and being as clear as possible should be your goal. Here’s how to do it without alienating someone. Tom knocks on top of your cubicle partition, leans in, and asks, “Got a minute?” Instead of glancing at your watch and saying okay with a martyred sigh, you look up and analyze the request. You see his lower lip trembling and his eyes filling with tears. You know he wants to talk about his divorce — again — and you have a report to finish. You recognize that this won’t be a 60-second interruption, no matter what he claims. You resist the reflexive hot button response, “In your dreams, pal,” because you depend on Tom in your job.
A rapport with him is a priority for you. Use the triple-A approach:

• Acknowledge: Tell him that you understand how he feels and what he wants. “Tom, you look upset — it looks as though you need to talk.” This statement, which takes only six seconds to say, calms him because now he doesn’t have to work to make you understand his feelings. You have said, in essence, “I understand your priority — and it’s important” (another sentence that takes six seconds to say). We call this six-second empathy.
• Advise: Let him know your priority — calmly and confidently. Say, “Tom here’s the situation. I have a report to finish for the boss, and it’s due in half an hour.” You have understood his need, and now you’re asking him to understand yours. Many people, when told of your priority, will back off. But not Tom. That’s why there’s a third step.
• ccept or alter: Accept the interruption with time limits (“I can give you five minutes”) or suggest an alternative option (“I’ll come to your cubicle after I finish the report”).

This is the best way to say no. Use it as a model. You won’t always be able to achieve the ideal outcome described, but try to come as close as you can. With peers, you can suggest an alternative option, but what about with your boss? Tom will actually thank you and go away happy. With the boss, your best option is almost always to accept. The boss’s priorities are your priorities —it’s in the job description. However, don’t leave out the second step. Always advise the boss of your activities and priorities. Sometimes the boss is grateful for the information and withdraws the request or removes some of your existing obligations. Other times, you are expected to do all the work anyway. Advising puts the burden on the boss to say which task is to be done first. Never skip that step.

Capturing an Audience

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s all in the presentation.” The same applies to you. Clarity makes you a good presenter during a negotiation. Here are some tips to help you get through your next negotiation, when the spotlight is on . . . you:

• Analyze your audience. Put yourself in your counterparts’ shoes. Try to understand their map of reality, and anticipate what outcome they seek from the negotiation. After you gauge what your audience wants, you can figure out how best to sell your ideas of the negotiation at hand.
• Set your goal and keep it handy. Decide what outcome you would like to achieve as a result of the negotiation. Make sure that everything you say and do contributes to that outcome. Make sure that you stress your key points. Present your ideas and, if you are making a formal presentation at the beginning of a negotiation on a large project, consider giving your audience an outline of your presentation so they can follow along. They can follow your outline and use it to take notes. It also gives you a measure of control on what information they take away.
• Do your homework. Research. Research. Research. Don’t start a negotiation knowing little or nothing about your topic. Anticipate questions, and make sure you have the facts to back them up. Always prepare so you’re ready for any emergency such as a well-aimed question from one of your counterparts. Preparation will give you reserve power. You want people to sit up and take notice. If you are going to make a formal presentation at the opening of a negotiation, be sure to practice. Practice until you know you are prepared to tackle any question thrown at you. Remember, your time in front of a group is your showcase.
• Confidence is the key. Confidence is the key to being crystal clear. Remember, you have to be confident to show confidence. Have faith in yourself and your abilities. Think about how your presentation will help your audience to get what they want. Your goal remains fixed. Your job is to convince your listeners that your goal is something they want for their side also. Careful preparation provides the solid ground you need to support your self-confidence. Coach yourself. Tell yourself you can do it. Listen to your inner voice and tell yourself that you are more qualified than anyone else in room to give your presentation.
• Plan your presentation. Make a list of all the points you plan to discuss in your negotiation. Group your topics of discussion into sections and put the sections in the order that best achieves your objectives. When you put your talk together, keep in mind why your audience would want to hear what you have to say. Their interest in your points is not automatic. Remember, they are there to convince you that their goals are just what you want, not vice versa. You have to work to get their attention. Never assume that they will automatically pay close attention to what you have to say.
• Plan your format and delivery. Speak loud and clear. Don’t mumble. Don’t put your hand near your mouth, obscuring the sound of your voice. How you give your talk can be every bit as important as what you say. If needed, use your outline to guide you through your discussion. Don’t make your presentation monotonous. You don’t want to bore your audience. The most exciting idea in the world will fall on deaf ears if it’s presented in a boring manner. Conversely, audiences have been known to rally around some pretty lame ideas when they were fired up by a persuasive speaker.
• Manage expectations. Communication is a two-way street. Before you begin your negotiation, be sure everyone in the room knows what to expect. They will arrive with some preconceived ideas. Your advance communication about your presentation needs to be clear to set the perceptions right so no one is confused or disappointed.

Never take your audience for granted. People have very short attention spans. Not more than 15 percent of a person’s brain power is required to understand your language and grasp what you mean. Don’t let the remaining 85 percent of a person’s brain slip into a daydream. To keep your audience with you, make your message visual, build anticipation, create a conversation cycle. Keep your listener’s mind 100 percent occupied.

Too busy to be clear

These important people don’t think they can take the time to be clear. They save minutes, but others may spend hours trying to figure out what they want and need.

• Schedule meetings at the beginning of the day to avoid distractions and ensure everyone’s full attention.
• Guard against interruptions; for example, request the person hold his or her calls for ten minutes in order to get information.
  
• Be efficient in meetings — have a written agenda even for a two-person meeting. The agenda shows others how much you value the person’s time.
  
• Show you are taking notes and recording comments.
• Be appropriate but keep pressing for the details you need. Sometimes, you need to steer your boss to clarity.

The next time the boss slams papers on your desk and says, “We need this yesterday,” do the following:

1. Stifle the urge to answer “in your dreams.”
2. Answer immediately. Respond with a positive, “Yes, absolutely — will do.” After all, this is the boss. And this reply will relax your employer because it’s what any boss wants to hear.
3. Ask for prioritization.

This step is essential: Because you are already fully aware of your priorities and the allotted time to accomplish them, answer, “Here’s the situation, Boss. I’ve got these other two priorities you want by 3 o’clock today. Which of these can be put off until tomorrow?” By following these steps, you have forced the boss to be clear. Your boss needs to prioritize — that’s a boss’s job. Sometimes your boss will go away without making any further demands, realizing that you are already working on important projects.

Understanding unprepared people

Some people may have difficulty getting fully prepared for negotiations. For whatever reason, they never seem to have all the answers. You can do one of two things:

• Postpone the meeting.
• Conduct the meeting at the unprepared party’s office. Tactfully invite your counterpart’s support people who may know more about the subject.

Understanding Interrupters

These people even interrupt themselves. They lose their train of thought while they are speaking and tend to jump from point to point.

• Take careful notes while an interrupter is talking. But don’t write the ideas down in the order they are presented. Write a topic heading. Make notes, and when the speaker switches topics, leave a lot of space. Write a new topic heading and the notes. When the speaker switches back to a previous topic, go back to that topic section and continue your note taking.
  
• Concentrate and stay focused. This is hard work.
  
• Keep reminding the speaker of the most recent statement before the interruption. Don’t leave until you get a specific answer.
  
• Be appropriate but keep pressing with your own specific questions.

Understanding Tangent people

Some people are not clear because they ramble; that is, they go off on a tangent.

• Listen up to a point. You are listening especially for a good point to break into their discourse so you can bring them back to the topic.
  
• Be assertive when you interrupt. Not impolite, but firm.
  
• Your first statement should be a validation, “Yes, you’re right. Now, as to the purpose . . .” That’s how you get people with this type of communication pattern back on track.

Steering Others to Clarity

Nobody wants to be a bad communicator. Most people are insulted if someone tells them they are difficult to understand. At the beginning of my seminars, I discuss the basic skills needed in every negotiation. Then I ask students to rate themselves on these skills. I have never had anyone in any seminar describe himself or herself as a poor communicator — even those who say that communication is the area that they need to work on the most. When the other party is not being clear, your job is to steer that person toward concise communication. Don’t just toss them this book (although it may make a nice gift). Coax from your counterpart a clear statement of intentions, wants, and needs. Your technique for acquiring this information depends on the type of person you are dealing with.

Try being a journalist

When you think of clear writing, the most common reference point is your daily newspaper. From coast to coast, there is a consistency in stories written for the newspaper that seems to cross regional lines, ownership, and size of the newspaper. You may find it odd that so many journalists write in the same style with the same degree of clarity.

Actually, every school of journalism in the country teaches students about the “five horsemen” of journalism: Who?, What?, Where?, When?, and Why? The journalist is supposed to answer these five questions in the first paragraph of a story. The next five paragraphs should each expand on the answer to one of the questions. The least important information appears at the end of the story. That way, if the story is too long for the available space in the newspaper, editors can just delete the end of story, and no important information is lost.

Look at a copy of today’s newspaper. Pick any story that interests you in the first section (or the news section if you read your daily paper online). I point you to that section because stories there are more likely to follow the traditional structure of news writing. Reporters depart from the structure in some of the special-interest sections, such as the sports or entertainment sections. As you read the first paragraph of a straight news story (especially a story from one of the wire services), notice how the reporter explains:

• Who the story is about
• What the person did to land in the news
• Where the event happened
• When the event took place
• Why the event occurred

Read the last few paragraphs of the article and notice how trivial that information is compared to the first few paragraphs. Notice how the first few paragraphs after the lead paragraph are packed with important material compared with the information later in the story. Use the same technique, and you can’t go wrong. Remember: You’re providing the information your listener needs to know to achieve your goal. Organize the facts like a newspaper story.

The written word is often more useful than the spoken word

The written word is often more useful than the spoken word when you’re trying to communicate clearly. When you have something to say, write it down, look at it, edit it, and make it right. When the words are your own, you don’t have to release them until they are as near to perfect as possible. Many people believe they can’t or don’t know how to write as clearly as they speak. This is rarely true. The simple fact is that when you write instead of speak the words, you can see more easily whether your message is unclear. You can see in black and white that the words are ambiguous or your thoughts are incomplete.
Also, the written word disallows such conversational crutches as “ya know what I mean?” When used as a rhetorical question, this phrase doesn’t clarify the issues. It moves the conversation deeper into confusion. The process of putting your thoughts into writing brings you face-to-face with your failure to communicate clearly. Rather than bemoan your lack of writing skills, open your eyes and say honestly — maybe for the first time in your life —
“Wow, I didn’t realize how poorly I have been communicating my ideas.”
Here are some basic tips to get you on the road to clear communication:

• Use short sentences.
• Use short words.
• Avoid jargon and abbreviations — even when you are writing to another professional in your field — unless the other person uses these terms exactly the way that you do.
• Complete your sentences.
• Stick to one idea per paragraph.
• Have a beginning, middle, and end to the overall communication.
• Be accurate.

Don’t be afraid to number paragraphs to cover different points, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that numbering paragraphs brings order to a document that otherwise lacks coherence or good sense.

Keep your commitments

Being clear includes being consistent in the words you say and the deeds that follow. If you say one thing and do another, it’s confusing. Your inconsistent conduct turns an otherwise clear communication into a real puzzlement. Keep each and every commitment that you make during a negotiation. In life, keeping commitments is important; in a negotiation, it’s essential. Keeping your commitments is the acid test of clarity; it’s also the bedrock of trust. A notorious thief can look you in the eye and say, “I will have that assignment on your desk at 2 p.m.” If the assignment is there, the thief has gained your trust. On the other hand, if an honest person misses the 2 p.m. deadline, your trust in that person is diminished. If you tell the other party that you will call back at 9 the next morning, be sure to call at that time. Breaking your promise calls your integrity into question and creates confusion about what exactly you meant when you promised to call back at 9 a.m. Failing to keep your word also upsets the other party. Such inattention may be considered, debated, and evaluated by the other side. Their loss of trust may call into question side issues and create tensions that are counterproductive to a negotiation.
If you are negotiating with someone on behalf of a client or company, failure to keep commitments is harmful to you and the party you’re representing. This neglect can damage your relationship with your client or your standing within the company. Word often gets back about your unprofessional behavior. Professional negotiators are often falsely blamed for not returning calls or not providing documentation in a timely fashion. Don’t provide grist for that mill.

Cut the mumbo-jumbo

Some concepts are, by nature, just plain difficult to grasp. Sometimes being clear requires creativity. For example, if you have many numbers to present, try putting them in graphs — bar, pie, or line charts — anything but reams of numbers. Keep the lists of numbers as a backup. By all means, oversimplify technical points at first — you can explain fully later in the conversation, after you have your listeners hooked. Also, define jargon and spell out acronyms. For example, I say, “I’m going to LAX,” and people from outside of Los Angeles may not know that LAX is the airport. People from New York head to JFK. You got it. It’s the airport. Avoid references that may leave your listener wondering what the heck you’re taking about. In written materials, footnotes and appendices serve the purpose of clarity. Do everything you can to make listening and understanding easy and enjoyable.

Know your purpose or goals

When you know exactly what you want to say, communicating clearly is much easier. In the past, you must have had the urge to say, “So, what’s your point?” — usually with an exasperated tone. More often than not, a person who is asked that question looks surprised and fumbles for a good, onesentence answer. When the speaker doesn’t know the point, the listener is hopelessly lost.
In any communication, you should know the point and be keenly aware of the overall purpose or goal. Simply saying, “Oh, I just like to talk” is okay for recreational situations. But if you’re trying to get someone else to provide some action, approval, or acquiescence (that is, if you are in a negotiation), you need to have your short- and long-range goals in mind.

Tips for Being Clear

A well-turned phrase always involves an element of art. You don’t have to be an artist to be clear. The flowery phrase is nice; the clear phrase is a necessity. Part of the beauty of a clear phrase is how accurately it hits the bull’s-eye; that is, how precisely it conveys your meaning. If you assign people to complete tasks for you at work, your first task is to clearly tell the person what you want him or her to do. Easier said than done. Getting results in the workplace has less to do with charisma than with clarity. For best results, take your time. If something is worth saying, it’s worth saying clearly. Here are some hints for maximizing clarity.

1. Set the climate. Be sure you’re in a place conducive to concentration at a time when the assistant or co-worker can pay attention. Listen to your words as you set the tone. A harried manager may unwittingly say, “Now this is a simple, mindless task; that’s why I’m giving it to you.” Not very motivating.
2. Give the big picture. Describe the overall objectives. People need to see where their part fits into the whole to feel like they are a part of the loftier goal.
3. Describe the steps of the task. This is the meat of the delegation discussion. Sometimes these steps are already printed in an instruction or procedures manual. You still need to go over these steps, however briefly, to assure yourself that the employee is familiar with them. If the steps are not already written out, have the person write the list as you speak. This effort increases the probability of retention.
4. Cite resources available. Point out where to find other references on the task, if any. Resources include anyone who has completed the task before, a general book on the subject, or a specific manual for your office.
5. Invite questions. Even if you feel that you don’t have time to answer questions, the extra attention is worth the effort. Better to spend the time to explain a task up front than be unhappy with the results later. Invite questions with open-ended prompting such as, “What questions do you have?” not “You don’t have any questions, do you?”
6. Get the person to summarize his or her strategy for accomplishing the task. This step takes guts on your part; you risk being answered with a defensive “Do you think I’m stupid?” Use this sentence: “Call me compulsive — I need you to summarize how you will get this done.” When you take responsibility, you reduce defensiveness in the other person.
7. Agree on a date to follow up. The deadline depends on the complexity and value of the task. You may need time and practice to develop the fine art of following up without hovering. You greatly increase the chances that the person will meet the deadline if he or she helped to set it.

When you speak, ask “Did I make myself clear?” Ross Perot’s line during his oh-so-brief presidential campaign was, “Are you with me?” Such questions often help both parties proceed more productively. “Did I make myself clear?” may remind the other person to listen instead of lazily replying “yes.” If the point is critical, you may ask the other party to repeat the information back to you just to be sure that you are communicating effectively. Assure your counterpart that repeating vital information does not constitute an agreement — just clarification.

Tell ’em once, tell ’em twice, tell ’em again

Here’s the classic standby used by presenters and writers across the country:

• Tell ’em what you’re gonna tell ’em.
• Tell ’em.
• Tell ’em what you told ’em.

I use this one a lot because it drives a point home.

Outline your points

Another strategy is to list and number your points. The following is an example:
I recommend that you hire the consultant to create a plan that will
1. Increase sales
2. Improve morale
3. Generate productivity

P.R.E.P. for a presentation

The first way to get organized is by using the P.R.E.P technique. Use the approach: point, reason, example, point. It works because it’s so logical; you won’t leave anyone in the dust. Here’s an example:

• My point is: Exercise is energizing.
• The reason is: It gets your heart rate up.
• My example is: After at least 20 to 30 minutes of increased heart rate, you are more energized when you come out of the gym than when you went in.
• So, my point is: Exercise is energizing.

The P.R.E.P. approach can definitely help you organize your material. Now, read the paragraphs about P.R.E.P. again. Note how I explained this concept using the P.R.E.P. approach. Mark the appropriate sentences with the letters P.R.E.P. for each of the corresponding ideas. This formula works with any presentation, from a five-minute informal chat, to a thirty-minute formal speech using many examples. The P.R.E.P. approach is a great way to get organized and be clear.

What Being Clear Means

In many ways, clear communication is the other side of effective listening. Just as you cannot listen too well, there is no such thing as being too clear. You can be too blunt, too fast, and too slow. You can’t be too clear.
Being clear does not mean that you reveal your position at the earliest opportunity or that you lay out your limits as an opening salvo. Being clear simply means that when you speak, write, or otherwise communicate, your listener understands your intended message. Sounds simple enough. Why aren’t more people successful at it?
If you have any doubt about what being clear means, watch Patton, the wonderful biopic starring George C. Scott as Gen. George Patton. The opening scene is an unforgettable example of clarity. He is exhorting the troops to battle. In fact, he is whipping them up with an unforgettable call to duty. It’s not just the words — as clear as they are. Scott reinforces his words with his tone, his stance, and the huge American flag behind him. Everything in the scene is consistent with his message. It couldn’t be clearer. Although General Patton’s personality often got in his way, he was never accused of not being clear. The reason more people are not good communicators is that most people communicate from this point of view: What do I want to tell my listener? How am I going to appear? What are they going to think of me? Not effective. Your point of view must be from the listener’s side of the communication. Ask yourself these questions: What does my listener need to know? What information does my listener need to make a decision? What is my listener’s knowledge of the subject? First, you must be clear with yourself about what information you’re trying to get across. Then you must know who the listener is, what filters are in place, and how to get through those filters so you can be understood.

Pre-buyer’s remorse

If you experience buyer’s remorse before you even buy, stop everything. Ask yourself why you have reservations. What is the reason you don’t want to buy this boat? Is it that you’ll never use it? Or that you may move soon? Or perhaps because it’s not as big as your neighbor’s boat? Sometimes, you can resolve these reservations; other times, you can’t. Don’t go forward with a deal if your inner voice tells you not to.
Try to develop your ability to listen to your inner voice. It is the most important voice you can possibly hear. No one knows you better than you do. People who learn to hear their inner voice — unfiltered by reason or rationale — are always happier with their decisions (and thus less likely to experience buyer’s remorse) than those who are not able to do so.

Questionable deals

If your inner voice tells you that you don’t want to make a deal, stop the negotiation.
Relax. Examine that message. Either your subconscious will send you are more detailed message, or your conscious mind will work it out logically.
Heed any strong messages that a given course of action is wise or unwise.Mold your conduct to that message. You don’t have to stand up in the middle of a meeting and announce to the assembly that your inner voice is telling you that the discussions are over. In fact, you may decide to keep the source of your decision to yourself. You should heed the message and begin to concentrate on closing the discussion. Wrap up the deal. Use the message without necessarily announcing it to the room.

Understanding shady characters

Although hardly anyone states it so bluntly, one thing you want to know about the other party in a negotiation is whether you can trust the information that person gives you. What is this person’s reputation for honesty and accuracy?
If you are trying to negotiate efficiently, you must find out the general trustworthiness
of the assertions from the other side.
Sometimes you hear that someone is not dishonest, just ignorant, inefficient,or inexperienced. These qualities may sound better than dishonesty, but theyhave the same consequence to you. As a negotiator, you can’t afford to blindlyaccept anything that such a person says to you.
A different but highly related issue is whether you can trust the client representedby the person with whom you are negotiating. Even if you trust thenegotiator, you may feel that you need to be extra-careful in dealing with theparty on the other side of the negotiating table.
The best advice I can offer is not to do business with a person you don’t trust.No lawyer in the world can protect you from someone determined to do youin, cheat you, or steal from you. No cop or security system in the world canprotect your house from a sufficiently determined thief. President Kennedyonce prophetically observed, “There is no Secret Service agent who canguarantee a president’s life, if someone is willing to give their own life inexchange.”
Sometimes you are forced to do business with someone you don’t trust. Insuch a case, be sure to focus on the parts of the contract that will protectyou if something goes wrong. Decide where a lawsuit would be filed and inwhich courts. Your lawyer can be a big help here. Make provisions for whenand how you can check the books for accuracy. In such a case, you must preparea much more detailed contract than you normally would.
Having clauses that protect you is always important in case you come tohonest differences that you did not anticipate. Such clauses are the specialprovince of an experienced attorney. For example, if someone is to pay youmoney under a contract, you want a fast and certain way to collect in case ofdefault. The negotiator who does not consider this aspect of the deal is notdoing a good job. Negotiating for big payments is futile if the payments are,as a practical matter, uncollectible. You may want to insist that all fundsunder negotiation be held in a special account until the contract is finalized.
If you want to include clauses to protect yourself but can’t get the otherparty to agree, you must decide whether you want to do business with thisperson. Listen carefully to why the other party is not willing to provide certainmechanisms that put your mind at ease about payment. If that personinsists on maintaining an unfair out, think twice before entering into theagreement. Be clear in expressing the importance of these provisions and
why you must have them.
If everything else seems good about a deal, walking away based on thesepoints can be difficult. The other side knows that and will often turn the issue into a trust test: “If you trust me, you’ll make this deal with me.” Look such a person right in the eye and say, “I trust you well enough to enter this deal.
But I don’t know what good or bad fortune is going to visit you over the next year while I need steady payments. You may quit the company (or sell your business). You may get killed. I just don’t know what the future holds.”

Hearing two voices? You’re not crazy

Be assured that you don’t have two different inner voices inside you. You only have one of these phenomenal subconscious centers. When people talk about conflicting voices within themselves, they are frequently experiencing their conscious mind testing the solution provided by the subconscious mind. Almost without exception, the solution provided by the subconscious part of the mind survives this testing, but the solution provided by the conscious part of the mind is easier to rationalize and explain. The conscious thought process can be reduced to words.
Much of the “testing” of what is provided byyour subconscious is your memory of voicesfrom your childhood, mostly from your mother orfather. Your inner voice tells you to go forth. Aparental voice, indelibly etched in your memory,says, “Don’t do that. That is dangerous. You willfail.” As adults, we need to recognize the playof memory messages. If you are hearing thoseold parental warnings, look skyward and say,“It’s okay. I can do it. And if I fail, that’s okay, too.I need to try — for me.”If the owner of that parental voice is still alive,look skyward anyway. Don’t act out this conversationwith the real person. The last thingyou need is a protracted discussion with a dubiouscritic at just the time you need to gather upyour courage and embark on a new adventure.Inner critics aren’t all bad. Having an inner criticis good when you need that kind of feedback.Decide between your inner voice and your innercritic and do what is right for you.

Understanding Brainstorming

Brainstorming is a great way to bring your inner voice to the surface. During brainstorming, you let all the ideas flow without editing or judging. You write down or say every idea that pops in your head — no matter how crazy it may be. This creative-thinking technique works because it helps to free you from fixed ideas. The intent is to get every possible idea out on the table. You can try brainstorming on your own — with a notepad and pen — but brainstorming almost always works better with a group because you can build on each other’s ideas.
After the idea fountain has run completely dry, stop. Give everyone a final opportunity to add something to the list. Be sure that everyone has articulated every idea that they could possibly have. Then take a little break to let people shift gears from the free-wheeling creative session to the practical job of narrowing the list to a manageable number of ideas. When you are ready, look through your list of ideas and choose the ones that you believe will best yield results during the negotiation process. This is best done by the same group that came up with the list in the first place. That way everyone is heard. No one has sour grapes later when his or her ideas don’t show up on the final list. And most importantly to the welfare of the group, an idea can be fleshed out and explained if the brief expression of the idea wasn’t clear to everyone. Sometimes a good idea doesn’t seem so good until it carries a bit of an explanation.
Take a look at Oliver Stone’s JFK. The film is one big brainstorming session. The film follows New Orleans D.A. Jim Garrison (played by Kevin Costner) and his obsessive investigation into the assassination of President John F. Kennedy. It’s like a collage of all the books and articles, documentaries and television shows, scholarly debates and conspiracy theories since 1963. We know the events by heart: the grassy knoll, the hobos in dress shoes, the parade route, Lee Harvey Oswald, Clay Shaw, the three shots, the eyewitness testimony, the gunpowder tests, Jack Ruby, the wrong shadows on the photograph, the Zapruder film, and on and on. Garrison and his team attempt to put all the pieces of the puzzle together to build a case against Clay Shaw, a respected businessman who is linked to various conspirators. Brainstorming sessions abound between Garrison and his team. It all builds up to the final courtroom scene. Consider the pivotal scene in which Garrison and his investigators sit in a restaurant, brainstorming facts and opinions for the trial. The scene is intercut with shots of the alleged fabrication of the infamous Time-Life photo of Oswald holding a rifle. The rules of brainstorming are clearly demonstrated in this scene. Everyone contributes; some ideas are shot down, while others are praised. As the group breaks up in frustration, the trajectory of the other sequence lands the photo on the cover of Life magazine. Was the photo fabricated? Who knows?

Quieting your mind

If you want to get in touch with your inner voice, you must quiet your conscious mind. For some people, this involves a mind-relaxing activity such as running, walking, or fishing. Other people must sit quietly for a few minutes. Do whatever works for you in order to let those inner messages surface. Try meditation, which has been scientifically proven to increase mental clarity and thinking ability and integrate left- and right-brain functioning. Meditation also can improve physical, mental, and emotional health. If this is a new idea to you, you may have to practice. You have to work extra-hard to quiet your conscious mind until you get used to accepting the complete messages that come from the subconscious without explanation. As you do, the messages come to you more often and more clearly. Don’t be discouraged as you attempt this process, and remember that listening to your inner voice is a personal process. Your subconscious is your own storehouse of information, unlike anybody else’s. It’s where your entire life is captured. You can enjoy great success if you can use that information by following your inner voice.
The disadvantage of articulating answers and decisions brought to you by your subconscious is that you are unable to discuss the process that occurred or describe the logic that was used. You were not conscious of the process while it was occurring. You cannot explain the entire process to someone in the same way you can explain a conscious, logical path from problem to solution. The logic occurs too quickly and uses too many bits of data to explain rationally.
How many people in your life can question you about how you arrive at your decisions? The longer the list, the less comfortable you are with decisions that you cannot rationally explain. Very successful people have fewer people to answer to, which is one reason they can get away with intuitive problem solving. When the boss says, “I smell a rat!” nobody asks for a detailed analysis. Subordinates accept the intuitive process. “Put it in a memo” is simply not an appropriate response to the boss’s hunch . . . intuitive process . . . inner voice.
For a perfect example of someone getting in touch with her voice and then trusting it, see Little Miss Sunshine. This loopy, dark comedy of a road picture ends with 8-year-old Olive, played by Abigail Breslin, having to decide whether to compete in the Little Miss Sunshine beauty pageant. Her father and brother are passionately telling her not to do it. Her mother is telling her to go ahead with it. The camera pulls in tight on Olive’s face. She goes quiet for a moment. You can actually see her mind going quiet as she gets in touch with her inner voice. Then she makes her decision and follows through on it. The scene is a good demonstration of the process of quieting your mind so you can hear your inner voice, and it shows how the inner voice can be used by anyone at any age in any situation.

Left brain vs. right brain

No, this isn’t a biology textbook, but by understanding how your mind works, you can manage your thoughts and become a better negotiator. Research on brain theory helps explain why some people are good managers but weak leaders. Research indicates that the brain is divided into two halves: the left and right half. These are called hemispheres. Each hemisphere serves a different function, processes different kinds of information, and deals with different kinds of problems. The left hemisphere works with logic and analysis; the right works with emotions and imagination.

The conscious and subconscious mind

The mind constantly processes millions of pieces of data quickly and efficiently. The brain feeds the results into a storage device unmatched by any filing system in the world. The conscious mind uses this data for speech, recognition, and every other human activity. The actual processing of the information, however, is completely outside our conscious experience. We are unaware of the process because it is subconscious. This subconscious realm is the source of your dreams. The meaning of dreams is not always obvious, especially to the layperson. Psychiatrists are so interested in dreams because dreams are like windows to the subconscious mind. When you go to sleep, your conscious mind quiets down. Messages, in the form of dreams, barrage you from your subconscious mind, not because your subconscious mind becomes more active, but because your conscious mind becomes less active.

The phenomenon is much like viewing the stars in the heavens. People say, “The sky is full of stars tonight.” In fact, the number of stars in the sky hasn’t changed. You just can’t see them when the glare of the sun obscures them or when the night’s cloud cover conceals them or when the city lights dim them. Remove those things that blanket them with light or physically obstruct their light and millions of stars are visible to the naked eye. Take a place like Death Valley in California. You can walk by the light of the stars even if the moon isn’t visible. It is amazing. The stars are visible because no buildings or trees or light sources block or wash them out.

When you fall asleep, your conscious mind also takes a rest. The noisy thought processes of your conscious mind no longer block out the activity of your subconscious mind. Your dreams are a product of this activity. Sometimes, your demons come tripping out. The welcome and unwelcome activity of your subconscious mind plays out much more vividly at night than during the day because your conscious mind is not busy blocking it out. The brain scans millions of pieces of data at lightning speed (and maybe even faster). The result is fed to the speech and reasoning centers of the conscious mind. Only then are we aware of the process and only then can the results be put to use.

For example, someone may say to you, “Hi, how are the kids?” By the time your response arrives at the speech center, a great deal of information has been processed, evaluated, and accepted or rejected. This has occurred without interference from the conscious mind. In fact, your speech center may be otherwise engaged even as the recognition process is occurring. Your conscious mind goes on with the talking while your amazing subconscious brain gives you a final answer to the person’s question. Your processing centers have done all the work — without words, without anxious thought. The process is almost instantaneous and highly accurate because no data is overlooked.

This speedy, subconscious processing of massive amounts of data is what really goes on when we resonate with a hunch or an intuitive feeling about something. Many people develop this aspect of their brains, either by accident or by design, to a very high degree. However, everyone’s brain functions in this way.

If you did not have a subconscious that could send such messages, you could not function in the world. You would have to be institutionalized. If you can read this book, you can read your subconscious. Unfortunately, no one teaches you how to read those messages in school. Readin’, writin’, and resonatin’ is not currently the accepted grade school curriculum. Although this discussion of the phenomenon is hardly complete, you may feel more trusting next time your subconscious provides an answer to a complicated problem.

Cameron Crowe’s Jerry Maguire is a wonderful film about negotiating in business and in your personal life. It is also a film about listening to your inner voice. The film opens with Jerry Maguire (played by Tom Cruise) realizing that the cutthroat world of representing professional athletes isn’t all he imagined. Jerry has a beautiful girlfriend, a successful career, and lots of money, but his inner voice tells him that something is missing from his life. So Jerry spontaneously writes a stirring, visionary statement for his sports agency and titles it, The Things We Think And Do Not Say: The Future of Our Business. Not everyone accepts the statement, and he is unceremoniously fired from the agency. Stripped of his job and a good measure of his identity, Jerry embarks on a journey of self-discovery that leads him to greater personal and professional success all because he listened to his inner voice at the start of the film.

Understanding Your Inner Voice

Your inner voice is your subconscious mind talking to you. Call it a hunch, intuition, or a sixth sense, too many people ignore this inner voice. When you seek your inner truth, you are more likely to be honest and ethical in your dealings with others. That’s what Shakespeare was trying to say. Your inner voice tells you when a deal is sour. Your inner voice tells you to go forward with an agreement, although the money may not be right. Listen to that voice. Go to a quiet place and get in touch with what is really going on inside. Talk it out with a trusted adviser if you like, but nothing and no one can give a message as powerfully accurate as your own inner voice can.
One reason that women frequently make such good negotiators is that they tend to have better intuitive skills than men. Some men belittle women’s intuition as less useful than a quantifiable response to the objective data being presented. However, studies show that successful people, be they men or women, rely heavily on intuition. Learn to trust and value what your inner voice says; don’t dismiss it because of self-doubt or the skepticism of others or your own inability to explain logically how you reached your decision.

Don’t Believe Every Body Language You See

Body language augments rather than replaces the spoken word. The meanings of certain actions or gestures can vary depending on the circumstances and the individual. Consider these examples:

· Sitting erect may indicate a stiff bargaining position, or it may indicate a stiff back. Stay alert to the body language, but combine your observations with the spoken words to determine the correct meaning.

· Gestures of anger are used when a person is genuinely angry; however, these actions can also be employed for effect. Some executives (especially in the entertainment industry) are notorious for using such gestures. But keep in mind that some people are just blustery by nature. Evaluate body language cautiously, just as you do all the other information that comes to you during a negotiation.

Different strokes for different folks

No matter how much you know about body language in general, don’t grow overconfident when applying your knowledge to a specific person — especially someone you don’t know very well. Each individual has unique body language. A child can tell when a parent is really angry, even if the body language that parent uses to indicate serious trouble is the opposite of what the general public uses. For example, although silence usually indicates that a person is calm, some parents clam up when they’re angry. In such families, the children soon learn that silence means real trouble is looming.

Consider the context

As you become more sensitive to body language, you become more conscious of the differences in the meanings of gestures. A clenched fist usually represents anger. Held firmly above the head, it can be a symbol of quiet rage. Pumped up and down, especially if the person is also jumping and squealing, a clenched fist can be an expression of extreme joy.

Prepare for the bluff

Most adults have the art of “faking it” pretty well perfected. People are prone to hide their real feelings in a business setting. Negotiators may display all the signs of accepting a deal, although their true reaction is quite the opposite. When you think the other side is accepting your proposal, try to close the deal. That provides a good check on your reading of the other party’s body language. If you can’t close, what you observed was something other than acceptance. Don’t be fooled the next time you see the same reaction from that person — and keep trying to close.

Smiles are almost always an expression of happiness. However, society sometimes requires a smile when the soul is not happy. The mouth drawn tightly and obligingly back reveals a devotion to duty more than merriment. And a half-smile (one corner of the mouth crooked upward) reveals a wry feeling of superiority — like the smile on the face of the bad guy just before he shoots the good guy in an old Western.

Most of the differences between the body language you see and the intended spirit of the communication are accidental. These differences are generally not the result of a sinister plot. The impact on you will be the same if you are misled. This chapter helps keep you from being misled by body language that is different from the message of the spoken word. When you make such an observation, don’t assume that the other person is intentionally trying to mislead you.

How to close the deal?

Often, closing a deal means physically closing in on the person with whom you’re negotiating. Consider the insurance salesperson who physically leans into the buyer’s space with an assuring nudge for her to sign the application. The agent lowers his voice, softens his tone, leans forward with the completed application, and says, “If all the information is correct, place your name here.”
Closing a negotiation often means closing in. Intimate distance — touching or being 6 to 18 inches apart — is usually reserved for personal, affectionate interactions. However, you may find yourself or your counterpart naturally moving that close as you reach more agreements and draw nearer to closing the deal. A good salesperson knows that an appropriate touch on the customer’s forearm or hand cements the deal.
The body language of acceptance varies widely from one individual to another. The exact point in time at which you get concurrence is more often marked with slight nuances than raucous outbursts. Seldom does someone jump up in joy at the moment of making the decision to close a deal. In my experience, the bigger the deal, the more subtle the display at that magic moment when the other side makes the mental commitment to close the deal. The terms are then generally reviewed by both sides to be sure that the deal is acceptable.
If you close a deal, don’t forget to carry out the terms of the agreement. This follow-up is important. There is no bigger let-down than to shake hands on a deal and then not hear from the other side for days. Be sure that the next step is taken. If it isn’t your direct responsibility, keep checking with the person who is responsible. You are the person who closed the deal, so your integrity is on the line.

Negotiating charades

You can modify the familiar game of charades to sensitize yourself to the importance and meaning of body language. These two formats seem to work best:

• Someone can mime an emotion, and the other players must identify it. This game is simple and fun, and it demonstrates the variety of nonverbal communications available in faceto face communications.
• Players can mime an entire negotiation —either individually or as teams. The other team or player is required to figure out specifically what the negotiation is about and what positions are represented.

Wearing your confidence on your sleeve

During a negotiation, projecting confidence is important. A lack of self confidence can result in nervousness. If your body language reveals that you are nervous, your counterpart may deem that you’re not secure enough to maintain a strong position in the negotiation. This person may be less inclined to compromise on the terms in an effort to reach an agreement. In addition to making sure that your body language expresses self-assurance, you can also benefit from being able to gauge your counterpart’s confidence level. This awareness of the other party’s strength as a negotiator can help you determine your own goals, limits, opening offers, and attempts to close the deal. Watching body language is the key to assessing your counterpart’s degree of comfort during the negotiation.

Just like children, adults who get nervous tend to fidget in their chairs (although this behavior can also indicate boredom or preoccupation with other matters). Nervous fidgeting can also include putting hands into the mouth, tugging at clothing, jingling change, fiddling with items in a purse, or fondling any personal object. When people are nervous, they often increase their distance from those they are negotiating with. Nervous people frequently verbalize their condition without using words through throat clearing, oral pauses, or guttural sounds. Confident people may place their hands in a steeple position (touching the fingertips of both hands together to form what looks like a church steeple). Sitting up straight and using frequent eye contact also shows confidence. Someone who is confident physically sits on a level slightly higher than anybody else. Propping your feet up is not just an expression of confidence, but an act of claiming territory. If you can put your feet on something, you own it.

Ferreting out boredom

One of the most important body language messages to look for during any conversation, but especially in a negotiation, is an indication of boredom. Looking out the window, holding the head up with one hand, doodling in a way that seems to absorb the doodler’s complete attention, drumming fingers on the table — all these indicate that the listener is no longer paying attention. What should you do if you notice that the other party in your negotiation is showing signs of boredom? People who are losing interest may be shifting in their seats, fidgeting, or pointing their feet toward the exit. Don’t start speaking louder or faster, as you may be tempted to do. Instead, say, “Wait. I need a reality check. I’m sensing that I’m losing you. What’s happening?” And then listen. You may find out what’s really keeping this person or group from accepting your idea. Doing a reality check can save a great deal of time and win you respect as a person who is perceptive and willing to risk hearing the truth. This fact alone makes huge points in your favor during any negotiation.

Even the innocents can catch other people’s body language

Some years ago, the great media hoaxer Alan Abel pulled off a hoax on The Phil Donahue Show that ballooned out of all proportion to Alan’s expectations. Alan is still pulling stunts on the media, got himself booked on the daytime talk show along with eight of his elderly pals. The show’s topic was gay senior citizens. What Donahue and the audience didn’t know was that Alan was planning a hoax called FAINT (Fight Against Idiotic Neurotic Television). Alan and his pranksters planned the scenario a week in advance. The scenario involved each of Alan’s pranksters raising a hand to ask a question to the gay senior citizens on stage. When Donahue held the mike for the question, each prankster fainted, pretending to be unconscious for 30 seconds. It was all a hoax, but soon enough, a really bizarre thing happened:

Members of the audience, who were not in on the hoax, began to faint. For real.
Even Donahue removed his coat, feeling hot under the collar. He braved on through the show, musing that the lights on the set must be too hot or that the air conditioning wasn’t functioning properly. After five audience members went down, Donahue evacuated the audience and continued his show without them. The broadcast ended ten minutes early that day. In fact, the joke was to see how long it would take the unflappable Donahue to cave in. Donahue finished the show as unflappable as ever.

The media had a field day with this story, which made the evening news and appeared on page 1 of the New York Post. The hoax was easy to verify because the participants all admitted their respective roles in the caper. The suggestive power of body language has never been demonstrated more convincingly.

If you want to see a video of the hoax, check out Jennifer Abel’s documentary about her father, Abel Raises Cain. It’s all there. Body language is truly contagious. When you start a negotiation, be positive — in your voice, in your stance, in your smile, in every aspect of your being. Others will pick up on it. That’s a fact!

How to see a change of heart?

Observing how someone is sitting or standing is only the first step in reading body language — after all, people aren’t frozen in time like statues. They move; their positions and gestures change with their attitudes and emotions. Notice these shifts. They are important. They may mean that the person is getting restless, or they may mean a shift up or down in the person’s acceptance level. As someone’s acceptance of your ideas grows, you may notice the following indicators:

• Cocking the head
• Squinting the eyes slightly
• Uncrossing the legs
• Leaning forward
• Scooting to the edge of the chair
• Increasing eye contact
• Touching the forehead or chin, as in the statue The Thinker
• Touching you (if the movement is to reassure, and not to interrupt)

Just as you can gauge increasing acceptance to your ideas by watching body language, you can also notice signs of increasing resistance to your ideas. For example, if someone clutches the back of his neck with his palm, you can interpret this gesture quite literally as, “This message is a pain in the neck.”
Here are some other gestures of resistance:

• Fidgeting nervously (cannot accept what is being said)
• Reducing eye contact (cannot accept what is being said)
• Placing hands behind one’s back (indicates an attempt to stay in control of one’s own self — resisting the urge to act out verbally or physically)
• Placing a hand over one’s mouth (may indicate an attempt to hold back a negative comment)
• Locking ankles
• Gripping one’s arm or wrist
• Crossing the arms in front of the chest
• Squinting one’s eyes dramatically
• Making fistlike gestures
• Twisting the feet or the entire body so they point to the door

How to showing that you’re receptive? (and knowing if your counterpart isn’t)

If you pay attention to body language early in a negotiation, you can spot signals of how receptive (that is, how ready to listen and how open to your ideas) your counterpart is. Consider eye contact, for example. Research shows that, during conversation, people look at each other between 30 and 60 percent of the time. A listener who meets your eyes less than 30 percent of the time is probably unreceptive. If eye contact is made more than 60 percent of the time, chances are the listener’s attitude is positive.
Receptive people look relaxed with open hands, displaying the palms, indicating an openness to discussion. The more of the palm that is visible, the greater the receptivity of the person. They lean forward, whether they are sitting or standing. Receptive negotiators unbutton their coats. Public television’s Mr. Rogers always removed his sweater, exemplifying the body language of an open, honest person ready to listen to what you have to say.
By contrast, people who aren’t willing to listen may keep their hands on their hips, lean back in the chair, or protectively fold their arms across their chest. People who aren’t receptive clench their hands into a fist or tightly grip some other body part. Having one leg up on the arm of the chair often appears to be an open posture, but watch out, this position may signal a lack of consideration, especially if the office doesn’t belong to the person demonstrating this behavior.
Studies show that parties are more likely to reach an agreement if they begin a negotiation displaying receptive body language.
This result appears to be true whether the stance was an unconscious decision or a contrived strategy for beginning a meeting in a positive manner. In addition, the defensive postures are also contagious. If one person assumes a defensive posture and holds that position for any period of time, you can actually watch others in the room adopting the same position. It’s amazing but true. Body language is contagious.

How to make the first contact?

One of the best ways you can begin a meeting is with great body language. Let your enthusiasm and energy show. Stick out your hand. Meet the other person’s eyes and give a good, firm handshake. If you don’t own a good handshake, develop one now. This skill is not difficult, but many people don’t shake hands well. Let the flesh between your thumb and forefinger meet the other person’s flesh between the thumb and forefinger. Press — do not squeeze —the hand. One pump accompanied by eye contact is plenty. One or two more may express great enthusiasm; any more than that can make the person uncomfortable.
Today, the landscape for making the first contact has broadened. For instance, women greeting women in America can touch both hands at the same time as an alternative to a handshake. A hug, even in a business meeting, is appropriate if the relationship between two people warrants this familiarity. Increasingly (especially in Hollywood), hugs between men and women, or two men or two women who know each other, are common. A classic male show of power is to shake hands in the normal fashion and reach with the left hand to also grip the man’s elbow. Watch old tapes of President Clinton who routinely used this two-handed greeting when he was president. However, as you begin taking more careful note of body language and how people relate to each other, you will notice that the space between two people still reveals a lot about the relationship.

How to know where to stand?

One of the most important observations you can make about a room full of people is the personal space each person commands. During conversation, for example, people don’t lean closely into the space of an important person they think has greater standing than they do (either in wealth, influence, power, or social status). In a study of personal space, rooms of unsuspecting subjects were photographed and later identified. Without fail, the more powerful people are accorded greater personal space by the other people in the room.
Spatial relationships come into play when you set up a room for a meeting. Almost intuitively, people know that an important negotiation warrants a table large enough to keep a formal distance between people. If someone must dominate a meeting, that person is seated at the head of the table. Control over the dominant chair may be the most obvious and enduring sign of power both in the workplace and at home. Seating in a meeting is important, because once the spatial relationships are established, they are not easy to change.
Take a moment before your next meeting and think about what relationship you want to establish with the other attendees. Arrange the seating accordingly. Watch the Coen brothers’ comedy The Hudsucker Proxy for one of the more blatant examples of power defined by the seating position during a meeting. The film is about a mailroom clerk, played by Tim Robbins, who finds himself thrust into the presidency of Hudsucker Corp., run by a brazen Paul Newman. In the boardroom scenes, Newman’s character stands at the foot of a very long and glistening conference room table, his position of control never in doubt.

Using Your Knowledge of Body Language in Your Next Negotiation

From the moment you walk into a negotiation, you should observe the body language of everybody in the room. During the negotiation, keep observing your opponent’s body language. Focus on the four channels: face and head, arms and hands, legs and feet, and torso. When you are so focused on the total person who is talking to you, you will listen better. Your observations of body language will help you pick up unstated nuances such as what items are more important, and what items are less important to the other side. Complete shifts in body language during a negotiation can be more telling than isolated signals. These shifts reveal that an issue is vitally important or is causing stress to the other party. For most of the negotiation, your counterpart will stay in the same general position. Notice any shifts from that position. These movements may very well indicate that the person you are dealing with has changed in attitude in some way. Being aware of this body language can be particularly important if the other party

• Feels that you are talking about a sensitive issue.
• Is losing interest.
• Needs a break or a stretch.
• Is turning off to your arguments.

Watch that body language! It can be like a traffic signal. The shifts in body language can be yellow caution lights telling you to proceed slowly, look, and listen. In the extreme, they are red lights telling you to stop! Stop now! Don’t go further without taking a break. They can also be green lights telling you to go in for the close.
Don’t ignore nonverbal signals. You may even want to include your observations in your written notes just as you include spoken words. This record helps build familiarity with the other person’s unspoken vocabulary. Everybody uses body language differently.

Emphasizing with body language

Pound the table. Wave your arms. Jump up and down. These are a few of the classic ways you can use your body to emphasize communication. It’s the equivalent of scrawling something in all caps and red letters. However, save these demonstrations until you need them.

If you use loudness throughout a negotiation, the added volume carries no special meaning when you really need it. You just seem bellicose. The late, great Johnny Carson used to refer to his lawyer as Bombastic Bushkin. The tag fit, and it stuck. Soon, no one around this particular lawyer paid much attention to the bombasity.
I once went into a print shop with a rush project. The owner slapped a big red sticker on the order. It felt good. He threw my project on a stack of work. Everything in the stack had the same red sticker. My heart sank. The red sticker lost all its meaning. Raising your voice too often has the same result. The key to emphasis is a change from the norm. Body language always involves a cluster of movements. It should naturally be tied into voice levels, tempo, and loudness.

Sometimes, you can create extra emphasis by exhibiting body language that runs counter to the communication. For example, you may lean forward and quietly, slowly say that you are very, very angry. Here the emphasis is created just as powerfully — maybe more so — than if you had been yelling at the top of your lungs. Surprises can occur in any negotiation. Generally speaking, however, you should know going into a negotiating session what will and won’t be important. Hold back your emphasis until you get to the stuff that is really important to you. This strategy is why a good negotiator lets the merely annoying issues slide by and saves the emphasis for the truly important points.

How to Find Your Blind Spots?

If you get conflicting verbal and nonverbal messages from someone, but that person denies that a discrepancy exists, you are witnessing a blind spot —something you know about others that they themselves are not conscious of. Blind spots cause miscommunications and resentment. In a negotiation, if you suspect the other party has a blind spot, you need to take frequent reality checks. Check out your understanding with your counterpart’s body language. You may even begin with the statement, “I need a reality check.” Then go right into your reading: “I sense I have lost you,” or “I sense we should take a break.”

If you take responsibility for your need, your counterpart is less likely to be defensive, and you are more likely to get truthful information. This way you may get at your opponent’s true feelings. Sometimes you even uncover some underlying interests. Most people have at least one blind spot: one area in which they don’t really know how their words or actions are affecting people. Blind spots are like bad breath — everyone knows except the person who has it. The best way to find your own blind spot is to invite feedback. If the blind spot belongs to another, you need to ask the person if he or she wants your feedback. If the response is no, believe it. You may need to find a higher-up to deal with the issue — someone the individual must listen to.

Positive words but negative body language

Many employees complain that their supervisors give mixed messages with body language. The words are positive, but the body language is negative. For example, your boss calls you in for a meeting. She says, “Good morning,” and begins to discuss your recent improvement in punctuality. However, her arms are crossed at the waist, and her head is angled away from you so that she’s looking at you sideways. You know that these are negative signals. If you have the guts, you may venture, “It looks to me like something may be bothering you.” Your boss may be forthright about her annoyance, or she may pound a fist on the table and deny her true feelings with a sharp reply, “What makes you think anything is bothering me?”

The nervous laugh

One of the most common examples of body language not matching the situation is the nervous laugh. A laugh that is not a reaction to anything humorous signals nervousness or discomfort. In fact, it’s a dead giveaway. If you hear a nervous laugh, let a few beats go by and then turn directly to the source of the laughter and encourage that person to verbalize his or her feelings. Depending on the situation, you may say: “Ben, how do you feel about the pricing structure?” or “Ben, how do you feel about adding Leslie to this team?” Often, the person won’t admit to having any concerns. You know better. Keep probing. You may have to return to the subject a few times, rephrasing your request until the truth comes out.

Interpreting conflicting messages

Reading the body language of another person is not a trick to gain advantage. It’s a tool to improve communication. People who are exhibiting incongruous body language are frequently unaware of the fact that their spoken words and their true feelings, as revealed by their body language, are not consistent. By drawing out those differences and reconciling them, you have done a great service for your side and for the person with whom you are negotiating. If you pick up an incongruity between what a person’s body is saying and what that person’s mouth is saying, you can assume that something is going on. You want to take a reality check and start asking the person questions about what he or she is thinking and feeling. It’s usually one of the following:

• The person is unaware of his or her effect on others.
• The person’s body language is expressing a hidden agenda.
• The person is too tired or is confused.

I remember sitting in a theater watching the film Basic Instinct for the first time. In the film, Michael Douglas plays a San Francisco cop who is fatally attracted to a key suspect in an ice-pick murder. The suspect is played by Sharon Stone, in a star-making performance. Audiences gasped during the now infamous interrogation scene. I gasped too. Watching the film again recently, I was reminded that the interrogation scene is a good example of how body language can cause conflicting messages. In the scene, Douglas and his fellow cops interrogate Stone. She twists and manipulates her words, shamelessly toying with the cops’ libidos. Instead of nailing his suspect, Douglas is entranced by his femme fatale and eventually falls for her scheming ways. Stone is calm and collected during the entire scene, using her body language in a risqué fashion to successfully manipulate the situation.

How to read someone else’s body language?

Being able to accurately read the true attitude and feelings of someone across the table can be enormously important. Seldom do you see adults physically clap their hands over their ears to avoid hearing something, but people have other ways of signaling that they aren’t listening, such as allowing their eyes to wander or attending to an unrelated task.

Disney released a wonderful film called Frank and Ollie about a couple of the world’s greatest observers of body language. Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston were two of the original animators of such classics as Cinderella and Bambi. This film shows them mimicking various elements of body language to communicate feelings and then making sketches of their own movements. Watch this movie as a primer on body language; it illustrates the points of this chapter better than all the words ever written on the subject. The ability to read a person’s body language enables you to adjust your approach to that person. Based on what you learn about the other person’s mood or attitude, you can temper your own words and actions appropriately — for example, you can calm down someone who’s agitated or perk up someone who’s bored.

Discover how much fun you can have reading the body language of others. The more you practice this skill, the better you will be at negotiating. The next time you go to an event connected to your work, pause a moment at the door. Instead of looking for someone you know, look over the room. Identify the more influential people. Try to distinguish who wields power. Who are the employers? Who are the employees? What differences in body language make social status apparent? If you’re at a social gathering, see if you can spot very outgoing people. Who is shy? Are any of the couples fighting?