Understanding Your Opponent Is a Key Negotiating Skill, but Don't Take It Too Far

By Jennifer Warner

Taking on your opponent's perspective may give your negotiation skills a boost.

But beware of taking it too far. Empathizing with your opponent may have the opposite effect.

A new study suggests that perspective-taking, such as understanding and anticipating an opponent's interests, thoughts, and likely behaviors, makes negotiators more successful at striking a deal. But those who empathize with their opponents by focusing mostly on the other party's feelings and emotions are less successful in the art of negotiation.

"Negotiators give themselves an advantage by thinking about what is motivating the other party, by getting inside their head," says researcher Adam Galinsky, PhD, of Northwestern University, in a news release. "Perspective-taking gives you insights into how to structure a deal that can benefit both parties. But unfortunately in negotiations, empathizing makes you more concerned about making the other party happy, which can sometimes come at your own expense."
Improving Your Negotiation Skills

In the study, published in Psychological Science, researchers conducted three different experiments to examine the relationship between successful negotiations and perspective-taking and empathy tendencies.

In the first experiment, a group of MBA graduate students were asked to negotiate the sale of a gas station where a deal based only on price was impossible because the seller's asking price was higher than the buyer's limit.

The results showed buyers who were more perspective-takers than empathizers were more successful at reaching a creative deal -- such as the promise of a job for the gas station seller if the seller could lower the sale price.

In the second experiment involving the same gas station sale situation, MBA students who were assigned to be the buyers were divided into three groups: one group was assigned to be perspective-takers who were told to imagine what the gas station seller was thinking and what the seller's interests and purposes were; another group was assigned to be empathizers who were told to imagine what the gas station seller was feeling in selling the station; the third group was a control group that was instructed to focus on buying the gas station.

Researchers found the perspective-takers had the most successful negotiation skills and increased the satisfaction of the sellers compared with the control group. Empathizers produced the highest levels of satisfaction among the sellers, but they were less successful at striking a deal.

Finally, in the third experiment, MBA students were asked to use their negotiation skills to work out a complicated job-hire situation. Again, perspective-takers created more value for themselves and earned more for themselves than those in the empathy or control groups.

Researchers say the results suggest that perspective-taking is an important negotiation skill. Empathy may be helpful in many other types of social interactions, but this study shows that it may make it harder to come up with creative solutions and promote self-interest.

SOURCES:
Galinsky, A. Psychological Science, April 2008.

Two Quick and Easy Starter Tips to Better Listening

Don’t waste any time. Get started right now being a better listener. Whether you’re at home or at the office or on an airplane, start working on your listening skills. In your very next conversation, use two active listening tools: restatement and paraphrasing. Both of these tools involve checking in with the person who is talking to find out whether you’re hearing what he or she is saying.

• Restating: Repeat, word-for-word, a short statement that the other person has just made to you. Even if the next speaker is a flight attendant offering drinks, you can say, “Okay, so my choices are . . .” and rattle off the list. It’s harder than you think. But it’s a good start to raising your own awareness level about listening. You won’t use this technique all the time or in every circumstance, but it’s a good place to start.
• Paraphrasing: Recount, in your own words, the longer statements that the other person has said to you. You can use this technique far more often than the first. Don’t be embarrassed if you get it wrong a lot when you first start paraphrasing back. This is a good technique to use when someone is making a dense presentation and you want to be sure that you understand it, every step of the way. In either case, introduce your efforts with respect and good humor. Try starting with the phrase, “Let me see if I got that right. . . .”

Are you a good listener?

Listen with your ears, your eyes, and every pore in between. Listening is absolutely fundamental to all interpersonal activities. It’s also an essential negotiation skill that gives you a leg up in all kinds of situations. Good listening skills can change your business life and your personal life. How many women have left their husbands with the basic complaint, “He never listened to me?” In your personal life, failing to listen leads your partner to feel unimportant, ignored, and unloved. In your business life, not listening leads to failed deals, bad deals, and no deals. Listening is fundamental to every negotiation. Often, it’s the first skill invoked in a negotiation. When someone approaches you personally or professionally and seeks your acquiescence, approval, or action, that starts a negotiation. You may not have anticipated a negotiation, but now you have no choice.
All you can do is listen.
Listening pays off. At its simplest, listening is accurately taking in all the information that the other party is communicating. Active listening involves all the senses and many screening devices. At its most sophisticated, listening also involves getting the other party to open up, to communicate more information, and to express ideas more clearly than is the norm for that person. You may find that the other person opens up merely because he or she realizes that someone is truly listening.
Often, people who describe their marital breakup as something they “didn’t expect,” “didn’t know was coming,” or “didn’t have any clue about” were simply not listening very well. If you’ve made one of these statements after the breakup of a relationship, try to make a list of signals, signposts, events, and comments that may have foreshadowed the breakup. If you had listened to (and heeded) those early indicators, the relationship may have turned out differently. Fortunately, listening is something you can master. Start practicing right away.

Tips for Haggling Your Next Purchase

(Lifehacker Australia)
Over at the Get Rich Slowly personal finance blog, one buy-savvy reader shares the techniques and thinking she's used to improve her haggling, a skill many of us have neglected or ignored entirely. Whether at a yard sale or big-box electronics store, changing your angle of approach can often yield solid savings. A few of her suggestions:

• If I'm at a yard sale or buying a bunch of things, I pile them up and ask for a better price because I'm buying a lot.
• I always ask if there's a discount for good customers, and that's often all it takes to get a discount.
• I ask, "Can you take $XXX if I promise to give it a good home?" I say, "It's so cute, I don't need it, but it's really attractive, can you take $XXX for it?" It's amazing how minor a nudge it takes to get something off the price.

The bulk-purchase tip is something I might be willing to test, at least with person-to-person sales. What haggling techniques have you learned, and where are you likely to use them?

Sometimes, the Best Deal in Town Is No Deal at All

Setting limits is tough. Walking away is even tougher. You may actually be afraid that something bad is going to happen if you walk away from a negotiation. Walking away often feels like failure. Don’t worry — nothing terrible will occur if you walk away.
You can find out much about negotiation by walking away from a deal or two just for the practice. Life does go on. Try it. It’s okay, and it can be educational. Knowing how to walk away is critically important in your personal negotiations. How many people do you know who are miserable because they don’t have the strength or the experience to set limits in the workplace or at home with children or spouses? People stay in bad relationships longer than is healthy because of their inability to set limits and stick to them.

Re-examining Your Limits

Set your bottom line (that is, the point beyond which you will not go) before you ever start negotiating. In fact, set a bottom line as soon as you have the data to do so. But don’t be afraid to take a second look at the limits you set. When you have set your limits, write them down. Writing them down doesn’t mean that they won’t change, but having a written record does mean that you can’t fudge later and pretend that you aren’t adjusting limits. During the heat of the negotiation, you don’t need to panic when your limits are tested because you have them written down in front of you. Slowly changing limits during a negotiation without mindful consideration is a very common mistake. If you are conscious of what you’re doing and keenly aware of the reasons, changing limits can be a positive and appropriate course of action. However, if you don’t write down your limits — your “or else” — you risk adjusting them by inches when a foot is needed. Slipping and sliding creates confusion in your mind and in the minds of those with whom you are negotiating.

The Consequences of Not Setting Limits

Whether you have consciously set your limits or not, in every negotiation, you have a point beyond which you won’t go. There’s also a point beyond which your opponent won’t go. If you don’t set your limits ahead of time, you discover them as your patience becomes strained. Often, people explode or feel stepped on when this line is crossed. Much of setting limits is really figuring out what your limits are — before they come up and hit you in the face because someone crossed them.
Watch Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film Strangers on a Train and see a negotiation go haywire because of its characters not setting limits. The film begins innocently enough when tennis pro Guy Haines, played by Farley Granger, meets a stranger named Bruno Anthony, played by Robert Walker, on a train. During small talk, Bruno jokes about how an “exchange” murder between two complete strangers would be the murder no one could solve. After all, how could the authorities find the murderer when he is a complete stranger with absolutely no connection to the victim? Bruno suggests that he could kill Guy’s wife, and Guy could kill his father. From Bruno’s perspective, the negotiation is sealed when the gentlemen step off the train. From Guy’s perspective, the conversation is nothing more than a strange topic of discussion, and he thinks nothing of it. He doesn’t set limits. He doesn’t give Bruno any details about how or when the murder swap should occur. Regardless, Bruno crosses the line and murders Guy’s wife, anticipating that Guy will finish his part of the deal. Guy’s life goes into a tailspin and is changed forever. This is an extreme example of a negotiation gone wrong, but it exemplifies how setting your limits from the onset helps avoid disasters.
In your personal life, you usually discover your limits when anger or hurt feelings signal that your boundaries have been crossed. If you identify these limits ahead of time, you can avoid the anger or hurt by stating your limits and enforcing them.
If a negotiation terminates because demands crossed the limits of one party or the other, the end happens as swiftly, silently, and unexpectedly as a pigeon hit from behind by a diving predator. The surprise factor is stunning. Usually, one or both parties feel betrayed or angry or both. In truth, setting your limits in advance can completely avoid the problem. Each party is aware of the limits that form the negotiating boundaries.

How to Tell the Other Party When You’re the One Walking Away

If you decide (based on your solid preparation and honest judgment) to terminate a negotiation, don’t send a conflicting message. State clearly the conditions under which negotiations can resume. Then walk. Don’t look back or otherwise communicate hesitation.
Looking back is not natural. The human body doesn’t work that way. Your feet and your face should point in the same direction. Besides, looking back is confusing — to you and to your counterpart.
Never terminate a negotiation when you are angry. When you are angry, you want to storm out of the room or slam down the phone. Fight the instinct. Instead, take a break. Before you walk away from the negotiation, give yourself some breathing room. If, after some thought, you want to terminate the negotiations, end the discussion in a way that doesn’t damage your reputation in the community — whether the community is your family, your firm, or your city. Do it in a way that allows you to do business with those who like or respect your current counterpart.
Before you walk away from the negotiation, write a wrap-up letter. Writing a letter gives you time to edit and correct yourself. It clarifies your view of the situation. If you are mistaken about some aspect of the discussion, your view is clearly stated and easy to correct. A letter puts things in perspective in case the other side is mistaken about some aspect of the situation. Your letter should cover each of the following:

1. Summarize the final position of the other side. Be painfully accurate. Introduce this section with hedge words, such as “I understand . . . ,” or “To the best of my memory . . . ,” or “If I understood you correctly. . . .” Close this section with “If that does not correctly state your position, please advise.” Such phrases enable the other side to change position or make a correction without losing face or being argumentative.
2. Summarize your own position. Be painfully accurate. Here again, hedge words let the other side reenter gracefully. Examples include: “In case it was not clear during our discussions . . . ,” or “I’m sorry if this was not presented as clearly in our discussions as it is in this letter.”
3. Explain about square pegs in round holes. If you simply don’t believe that a deal can be made because the needs and desires are so different, say so. No one is blameworthy. The parties can work together on another project when the fit is better.
4. Never, ever blame the other person. Even if you are walking away because you have decided the other person is a sleazebag, hog breath, scumbag, you won’t gain anything by putting that assessment in writing. The sleazebag may have a brother-in-law or cousin whom you may want to do business with in the future. Never burn a bridge — a bridge serves an entire village, not just one person.
5. Include a message of thanks. Always include in your letter a thank-you sentence for the time and attention you did receive. This final touch is the classy thing to do.
6. Telegraph your next move. This feature is optional. A sentence such as “We will try to sell the script elsewhere,” or “Next spring, we will try such a launch again” tells the other side that you have other options, and you will be exercising them. Of course, the sensitivity of the situation may limit you to a statement such as “We will be moving on,” or “We will be examining our options over the next few weeks.”

How to Practice Negotiating toward a Limit?

Limits are not much help if you cave in every time you set them. In fact, caving in too often can gravely affect a relationship. Parents who constantly lay down the law only to pick it up a few minutes later usually end up raising brats — confused, unhappy brats at that. Now you have one more reason to practice enforcing your limits!

In the beginning, practice the steps in situations outside of your business or personal relationships. It is particularly fun and somewhat easier, psychologically, to walk away from a deal when you’re on vacation. You are browsing at your leisure, and you see something you want to buy. Be sure that you are willing to buy the item, because you may just close the deal. Be equally sure that you are willing to leave the shop without the item, because that is the point of this game.

Note the price. Determine what you are willing to pay for it, which must be much less than the indicated price. Don’t just grab a number because you want to play a game with the shopkeeper. Give serious thought to the true value of the item. If the item is already a bargain, maybe this isn’t the right shop for this exercise. When you have set a price, begin talking with the shopkeeper. Don’t say what your bottom-line price is. Instead, offer less than you are willing to pay but above what you think the shopkeeper paid. If the shopkeeper tells you that bargaining is against store policy, explain that you would really like the item, but you feel it is overpriced. State that you are from out of town and can wait until you get back home, but you would like to make the purchase here, if you can agree on terms. Generally, the owner makes a concession. If not, ask whether anybody is available with whom you can discuss the matter further — you may not have engaged the decision maker. (If you’re new at this approach, you may be more comfortable making your first effort in a shop where bargaining seems okay, such as an antiques shop.) If no further negotiation takes place, say thanks and politely walk out. Closing even this non-negotiation in a formal way is important. Don’t just slink away like a beaten hound. You offered the shopkeeper an opportunity to move some merchandise. Make sure that the shopkeeper knows the opportunity is passing. Don’t apologize for not overpaying for the item. The shopkeeper may well respond with a lower offer. Don’t automatically accept. Remember that, although you are willing to purchase the item, you are seeking the experience of hanging tough, even walking away from a deal. You may increase your offer slightly but don’t move too fast toward the end point. After all, you want to practice!

If the shopkeeper quickly meets your unstated limit, keep the negotiation going. Adjust your price downward, toward your last stated position. When a buyer with cash meets a willing seller, what follows may surprise you even in shops where you think bargaining is strictly forbidden.

Never paint yourself into a corner

If you state your limits immediately when negotiations begin, you violate a fundamental tenet of sound negotiations. You probably already learned this rule while fixing up your first apartment: Never, ever paint yourself into a corner. In negotiations, you paint yourself into a corner by taking a strong stand and not leaving yourself an alternative, or an out. In other words, don’t start a negotiation by telling someone that you won’t pay one dime more than 50 bucks (or whatever) unless you know that other stores offer the same product within your price range. Such an announcement paints you into a corner when no alternative exists.

In fact, the final instruction the judge reads to the jury before sending the members to deliberate a case is not to announce their position too quickly. In California, those final words are “

The attitude and conduct of jurors at the beginning of their deliberations are very important. It is rarely helpful for a juror, on entering the jury room, to express an emphatic opinion on the case or to announce a determination to stand for a certain verdict. When one does that at the outset, a sense of pride may be aroused, and one may hesitate to change a position even if shown that it is wrong. . . .”

Too bad no one reads these words to us as we start each day.

Tell your team the limits

Obviously, you don’t go into a negotiation and announce your bottom line, such as the most you’re willing to pay. But you do need to tell your teammates about the limit you have set (and remind them not to let those specifics slip to the opposing side). Just as important, make sure that everyone understands the reason and agrees with the limit that has been set. You (or someone else) haven’t just pulled an arbitrary figure out of the air. It’s an important limit that will not be crossed.
By the same token, don’t be afraid to make adjustments if someone on your team makes a compelling argument to change the limit before the negotiation starts. Also, if — and only if — you gain new information during the negotiation, you can adjust your limit. But the new information can’t be, “Gosh, the negotiation won’t close unless I change my limit.” That’s why you set your limits, in writing, in advance. Don’t fall into the trap of “having” to close the deal. If the other side isn’t willing to settle within your acceptable range, find someone who will.
In almost every area of your life, it’s good to articulate your limits to the people you interact with. You would never sit silently as your child went out the door at 9:30 p.m. if you wanted him or her back by 10 p.m. You would state your expectations, clearly, nondefensively. Give your co-workers the same courtesy. If you are being pestered with questions from the person in the next cubicle, just say, “Let’s set a time to go over all of these questions at once.” No use getting irritated if you haven’t even tried to set some ground rules.
Sometimes setting “rules” for your co-workers is a bit difficult. They don’t “hear” you. That is, they hear the words, but it doesn’t sink in. If that’s the case, try taking their hands, looking them straight in the eye, and saying whatever you have to say, directly without apology. You won’t even have to tell them how important it is. Your manner of delivery will say it all.

Establish your resistance point

One reason you must be very certain to set limits is that they automatically define your resistance point. Your resistance point is close to your limit but leaves enough room to close the deal without crossing your limit. At the resistance point, you let the other party know that he or she is getting close to your limit — and that you will soon be walking away. Don’t remain silent until the other party crosses the limit and knocks the negotiation out of the sky. You need to begin your complaints before that critical moment. Resist any proposal that too closely approaches the limits you set.
How far out in front of the limit you set your resistance point is a matter of your own personality and comfort zone. However, if you haven’t set limits, you can’t know when to start putting up a strong resistance. You can bet that the other party will be hurt and angry when you walk out if he or she hasn’t had a clear warning from you in advance. Your counterpart needs to hear that the negotiation is approaching a resistance point before the discussion concludes.

Write down your limits

I learned the importance of writing down limits for a negotiation during the seminars in which I run a mock negotiation. Originally, I had participants write down their goals and limits and turn them in before they would start negotiating. While they were busy negotiating, I reviewed each team’s limits and goals to see where the negotiation would end up. In fact, I could predict the results based on this review and was seldom wrong. However, every now and then, someone would settle outside the limits the team had handed in. When I asked why, the person invariably would answer that he or she had forgotten the limit the team had set.
Usually the class had a good laugh and that was that. But it bothered me. I started having participants write down the limits and goals and keep a copy with them during the mock negotiation. That solved the problem. Participants never forgot their limits again.
It’s easy to understand how people can get caught up in a negotiation and reach an agreement that they would not otherwise agree to if they had just set their limits and then remembered them as the negotiation drew to a close. A lot of people would avoid buyer’s remorse if they would set and stick to their limits. When you write down your limits — your walk-away points —before you start negotiating, you are well on your way to remembering —and enforcing — your limits.

Know your “or else”

After you have created the list of alternatives, decide which alternative is most acceptable to you. Pick your personal or else. Decide what you want to do if the negotiation doesn’t close. Think about that course of action. Play the scenario out in your mind.
Knowing what your “or else” is — that is, knowing what your favorite option is if the deal doesn’t close — defines your limits for each negotiation. Suppose that you’re willing to pay $300,000 for a house before you set your “or else.” Then remind yourself that you have choices and list all of them. After you write down your list, you may decide that you can accept another house that is cheaper. This way, you can be firm or even lower the $300,000 price you were willing to offer. On the other hand, if you decide that no other house would be right for you, the price could go up rather than down.

A few years ago, the Harvard Negotiating Institute came up with something it calls BATNA — the Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. That’s the Harvard way of saying “or else.” BATNA is a core element in its negotiating course. It defines your best alternative if you can’t close a deal. Most negotiations settle before either party’s limits are tested. World-class negotiators have been doing this for centuries. The “or else” label is my own tag that I used with a client as a young lawyer, and it has stuck with me ever since. But your limits and the other party’s limits loom over every negotiation like peregrine falcons circling high above, ready to swoop down for the kill. You are much better accepting this reality before the negotiation ever starts.

Know what the other choices are

Don’t develop just one alternative deal in a negotiation. List all the alternatives available to you should the negotiation fail to close on the terms you want. Don’t edit your list. Make it as long as possible. Life is always about exercising options. What are your options if you walk away from this deal? You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by listing your choices. Don’t inhibit yourself. Instead, list all your options, even if you don’t think they are very valuable or practical. You have plenty of time to edit them down later. If you’re buying a new car, your alternatives may include going to another lot, choosing another model, choosing another make, or delaying the purchase.

If you’re interviewing for a job, your alternatives may involve accepting a lower wage, accepting another job, continuing your search, going to another city, changing professions, or going into business for yourself. The point is that you have many alternatives. Keep your options open. Don’t limit yourself. Whatever the alternatives are in your situation, list them clearly and completely. If you find that you can’t list any alternatives, you aren’t ready to start negotiating. One result of being well prepared is the ability to create this list of alternatives before a negotiation begins.

Before you enter the negotiation, you should also try constructing a similar list of alternatives for the other party. The more you know about the choices available to the other side, the more strength you have in the negotiation. Consider these exercises as a part of your preparation.

Know that you have other choices

Texas billionaire Nelson Bunker Hunt is often quoted as saying, “There is always another deal around the corner.”
One reason Bunker made so many good deals during his life is that he was always willing to walk away from a deal if it wasn’t right. He was good at setting his limits and then sticking to them. Bunker’s slogan must be part of your core beliefs. Keep repeating his quote until it becomes a part of your belief system:
“There is always another deal around the corner.” Poor negotiators tend to attach themselves to the notion that they must close every negotiation with a purchase or sale. Good negotiators, on the other hand, often walk away. Walking away from a bad deal is just as important — maybe more important — than closing a good deal. (
In fact, you often have two incentives to walk away from a bad deal:

• You aren’t stuck with the headache, financial stress, or other difficulties associated with the bad deal.
• One of your competitors will end up with the job, while you are off chasing the good job, the profitable job, the job with the clients who are easy to work with.

Whether the object of your affection is a stock, a piece of real estate, or a potential lover, you must have in your heart and in your mind that you are not stuck. The biggest prison is the one you build around your mind if you decide you don’t have choices.

“There is always another deal around the corner.” Make this phrase your mantra. Repeat it until it becomes part of your core. Own it. This truth can influence your entire life and bring positive results to all your future negotiations. In the entertainment industry, this mantra holds especially true. Writers and actors deal with constant rejection. I profess this mantra to my writer clients before they attend a pitch meeting to sell an idea. The chance of them selling a pitch the first time they walk into a room is remote, especially for first-time writers, because many other writers are always waiting to pitch their take on the same idea. Another deal is always waiting for you somewhere. It just may take some time to find it. Start making this your mantra today. Don’t wait until you’re in the middle of an emotional situation to convince yourself that you have other choices.

The truth of this mantra can only be grasped in the crisp light of a clear and uncluttered day — not in the depths of a specific problem. Remember the scene before the intermission in Gone with the Wind where Scarlett O’Hara stands at the foot of her war-ravaged plantation, Tara, looking into the sunset? Nothing, not even the Civil War, deters Scarlett from knowing that she has other choices. She vows to rebuild her plantation and her life despite the obstacles ahead. Think of the negotiation in a similar fashion. Know that you have other choices and opportunities elsewhere.

How to Set Limits in Easy Steps?

When you know how to set limits and have confidence in that ability, you change the entire negotiating process. But it is almost impossible to set and enforce limits unless you have an attitude of prosperity. If you do not have a firm belief about the prosperity all around you, you may have a hard time setting limits. People who believe that the world is a stingy place and see the world through an attitude of lack and limitation usually think that they have to close the deal or another one won’t come their way. The truth is that the universe is a bountiful place. No matter what your calling, there are more jobs, more opportunities, more chances to express your success than you could ever possibly take advantage of. Embrace the magnificent range of possibilities that life has to offer as you read this section because that is the mind-set of a world-class negotiator. Kenny Rogers may have said it best in his hit song “The Gambler,” which was about the high-stakes negotiation that takes place around a poker table.
Rogers croons this important truth:

You gotta know when to hold ’em,
know when to fold ’em,
know when to walk away, and
know when to run.

Notice that the word “know” appears in each line of the chorus. Being able to set limits is directly tied to knowledge, and knowledge is the result of preparation. Of course, you have to be prepared about the marketplace. You need to know the likely outcome of the deal. But you also need to spend time preparing about your own life and vision and don’t forget to find out about the person you’re negotiating with and know what he or she is seeking. The last thing you want to do is blindly enter a negotiation and end up looking like a novice because you haven’t prepared adequately. This section contains three steps that master negotiators around the world use to set limits. Notice how each of these steps includes the word “know.”

What It Means to Set Limits?

Your limits define the absolute most you are willing to give up to get what you want. Setting limits means establishing the point at which you are willing to walk away from the negotiation and pursue some alternative course. Your limit may be the highest price you’ll pay for a car, the lowest salary you’ll accept from a prospective employer, the farthest you’re willing to drive before it’s your spouse’s turn to take over, or the latest curfew you’ll allow for your teenager. If the negotiation doesn’t close before your limits are crossed, then no car, no job, no trip, no date — no dice.
In business negotiations, setting limits may not seem necessary because the marketplace can define the boundaries of the discussion. People generally have an idea about the price of goods or services; they know what others are paying for comparable homes, cars, or cleaning services. They assume the discussion will not go beyond an acceptable range or what they consider to be a fair and reasonable value for the product or service under negotiation. Not true. Even business negotiations can go off track, especially in times of economic downturn or if other business conditions change suddenly. Think about the last three times you became upset about something in your personal life. It’s almost a certainty that at least one of those situations was caused by the fact that your limits were crossed. You probably didn’t articulate those limits in advance. For example, your neighbor comes over unannounced to chat. You have only a few minutes to spare, but you fail to tell your visitor. Out of kindness, you listen while your blood pressure rises as the neighbor talks for an hour.

Unfortunately, setting limits is a very difficult task for some people. It takes practice and assertiveness. Start small: Set a limit of 60 seconds the next time someone calls to chat when you don’t have time. Tell them upfront. That should be enough time to take care of the pleasantries necessary to maintain the relationship and still get you off the phone. You don’t have to be rude about it. Simply set your limitations. Your time is precious. Setting limits is worth the effort. People who consistently make bad deals usually don’t set limits before the negotiation starts. They don’t know when to walk away. You must know your limits and know how to enforce them. Knowing that you’re prepared to walk away gives you the strength and confidence to be firm, even if the other party isn’t aware of your limits or your ability to enforce them.

Setting and Enforcing Limits

Setting limits and then sticking to them is one of the most important and most difficult lessons you can learn. This chapter tells you how to set limits and then how to use those limits to take charge of every negotiation in your personal and professional life.
If you’re like most people on this planet, you can use some pointers about enforcing limits. Many people don’t even want to think about setting limits because they have such a tough time enforcing them. At one time or another, you stayed in a relationship just a little bit too long because you never set your limits. You probably agreed to do something you didn’t want to do because you were unable to stick to your limits. Or you were angered by somebody because you failed to make your limits clear to him as he “crossed the line.”
To help you conquer this nearly universal problem, I divide it into two pieces. One is setting your limits. The other is enforcing your limits. The importance of limits shows up most clearly when you’re in a romantic relationship and you don’t want to think about it ending, so you don’t think about your limits. But when limits are crossed — when it’s often too late to correct the course of events — these words are heard: “Now you’ve done it! You have really crossed the line!”
Set your limits before you enter a negotiation. Setting limits early saves an enormous amount of time during the actual course of the negotiation because you already know your options. And knowing your options makes you more decisive during the discussions. Rapid decision making depends more on having your limits well in mind at the start of a negotiation than it does on intellect.
After you set limits, they will help guide you through the negotiation. When you carefully and realistically predetermine your limits, they serve as rudders, navigating the negotiation through rough waters. Worried about dirty tricks being thrown at you? Scared of unfair tactics? No worries, as long as you set your limits.