The Consequences of Not Setting Limits

Whether you have consciously set your limits or not, in every negotiation, you have a point beyond which you won’t go. There’s also a point beyond which your opponent won’t go. If you don’t set your limits ahead of time, you discover them as your patience becomes strained. Often, people explode or feel stepped on when this line is crossed. Much of setting limits is really figuring out what your limits are — before they come up and hit you in the face because someone crossed them.
Watch Alfred Hitchcock’s classic film Strangers on a Train and see a negotiation go haywire because of its characters not setting limits. The film begins innocently enough when tennis pro Guy Haines, played by Farley Granger, meets a stranger named Bruno Anthony, played by Robert Walker, on a train. During small talk, Bruno jokes about how an “exchange” murder between two complete strangers would be the murder no one could solve. After all, how could the authorities find the murderer when he is a complete stranger with absolutely no connection to the victim? Bruno suggests that he could kill Guy’s wife, and Guy could kill his father. From Bruno’s perspective, the negotiation is sealed when the gentlemen step off the train. From Guy’s perspective, the conversation is nothing more than a strange topic of discussion, and he thinks nothing of it. He doesn’t set limits. He doesn’t give Bruno any details about how or when the murder swap should occur. Regardless, Bruno crosses the line and murders Guy’s wife, anticipating that Guy will finish his part of the deal. Guy’s life goes into a tailspin and is changed forever. This is an extreme example of a negotiation gone wrong, but it exemplifies how setting your limits from the onset helps avoid disasters.
In your personal life, you usually discover your limits when anger or hurt feelings signal that your boundaries have been crossed. If you identify these limits ahead of time, you can avoid the anger or hurt by stating your limits and enforcing them.
If a negotiation terminates because demands crossed the limits of one party or the other, the end happens as swiftly, silently, and unexpectedly as a pigeon hit from behind by a diving predator. The surprise factor is stunning. Usually, one or both parties feel betrayed or angry or both. In truth, setting your limits in advance can completely avoid the problem. Each party is aware of the limits that form the negotiating boundaries.