Learn from negotiations by asking questions

To profit from experience, you must be open and willing to learn, even from what some people may consider a failure. What appears to be a failure can actually lead to new opportunities. That is why so many companies have postmortem meetings, especially after a negotiation that did not go so well. Use open-ended questions as a starting point for the next phase of learning. Here are a few such questions:

• What went well and why?
• What went less well and why?
• What would you do differently now?
• What would you do the same way?
• What went unexpectedly well and why?
• What went unexpectedly badly and why?
  
• What new assumptions/rules should be made?
• What additional information would have been helpful? How could you have foreseen what happened?
• How can you improve learning in the future?

Ask, don’t tell

How you ask questions is very important in establishing effective communication.
Effective questions open the door to knowledge and understanding. But you must be watchful that asking questions does not evolve into you telling the other person instead of asking. You have probably heard a question like, “Isn’t it true that no one has ever charged that much for a widget?” or better yet, “Can you name one company that met such a deadline?” These are statements masked as questions. You usually can detect a shift from asking to telling by the tone of voice that the person uses as he or she asks these questions. The art of questioning lies in truly wanting to acquire the information that would be contained in the answer.
Effective questioning leads to the following:

• Establishing rapport: Don’t try to impress others with your ideas; instead, establish rapport and trust by eliciting ideas from them and expressing how much you care about hearing their ideas. Rapport is the ability to understand and to connect with others, both mentally and emotionally. It’s the ability to work with people to build a climate of trust and respect. Having rapport doesn’t mean that you have to agree, but that you understand where the other person is coming from. It starts with accepting the other person’s point of view and his or her style of communication.
• Better listening, deeper understanding: Oftentimes while you are talking, the other person is not listening but thinking about what he or she is going to say. When you ask questions, you engage the other person. He or she is much more likely to think about what you are saying. You lead the other person in the direction you want to take the conversation.
• Higher motivation, better follow-up: The right answer will not be imposed by your questions. It will be found and owned by the other person, who will be more motivated to follow it up. Most people are much more likely to agree with what they say than with what you say.

Avoid intimidation

A sharp negotiator who is trying to sell you something may try to use a series of questions to direct you to toward a specific conclusion. Each question is designed to elicit a positive response — a “yes.” This sequence of questions leads to a final query posed in the same manner. When you respond in the affirmative to this final question, the negotiation is complete — and you have agreed to your counterpart’s terms.
That technique may work for what I call a one-off negotiation. By that I mean a negotiation with someone you never plan to see again, such as when you sell a car through a newspaper ad. It doesn’t work so well with people whom you plan to have a long-term relationship with. You want the other party to understand and be content with the outcome, not to be tricked into signing a piece of paper that he or she may regret later.
Some people use questions to intimidate or beat up on others. Someone may ask you, “Why in the world would you want to wear a hat like that?” You may be tempted to take off the hat and use it to pummel that person. The best answer, in such cases, is often no answer. Let a few beats go by and then go on without answering or acknowledging the question. Some conduct is unworthy of any of your time or energy. Don’t try to educate such a person on the niceties of living in a civilized society. It won’t work. Keep your eye on your own goal and ignore the diversion.

Asking Good Questions: A Real Power Tool

When you listen attentively, you make an incredible discovery. Sometimes, the person is not delivering the information you need. The chief tool of the good listener is a good question. Questions are marvelous tools for stimulating, drawing out, and guiding communication.
Asking a good question is a learned skill requiring years of training. The foundation of good question-asking is knowing what information you want to obtain. Here are seven handy guidelines for asking better questions — questions that are likely to get to the meat of things:
_ Plan your questions in advance. Prepare what you’re going to ask about but don’t memorize the exact wording, or you’ll sound artificial. A script is too restrictive to flow naturally into the conversation. However, it pays to outline your purpose and a sequence of related questions. If you plan ahead, you can follow the speaker’s train of thought and harvest much more information. Pretty soon, the speaker is comfortably divulging information. The question-and-answer format can act as an aid to good communication rather than a block.

• Ask with a purpose. Every question you ask should have one of two basic purposes: to get facts or to get opinions (see Table 8-1 for examples of each). Know which is your goal and go for it, but don’t confuse the two concepts.
• Tailor your question to your listener. Relate questions to the listener’s frame of reference and background. If the listener is a farmer, use farming examples. If the listener is your teenager, make references to school life, dating, or other areas that will hit home. Be sure to use words and phrases the listener understands. Don’t try to dazzle your 5-year-old with your vast vocabulary or slip computer jargon in on your technologically handicapped, unenlightened boss.
• Follow general questions with more specific ones. These specific inquiries, called follow-up questions, generally get you past the fluff and into more of the meat-and-potatoes information. This progression is also the way that most people think, so you are leading them down a natural path. Never doubt how effective the follow-up question can be. It’s so powerful that most presidents of the United States do not allow reporters to ask them. Pay attention during the next White House news conference. Usually, one reporter asks one question, and then the president calls on the next reporter to avoid a follow-up question from the first reporter. The follow-up question is the one that ferrets out the facts.
• Keep questions short and clear — cover only one subject. Again, this tip helps you shape your questioning technique to the way the mind really works. People have to process your question. This is no time to show off. Ask simple questions. Questions are just a way to lead people into telling you what you want to know. If you really want to know two different things, ask two different questions. You’re the one who wants the information; you’re the one who should do the work. Crafting short questions takes more energy, but the effort is worth it. Pretty soon, the other party is talking to you about the subject, and you can drop the questioning all together.
• Make transitions between their answers and your questions. Listen to the answer to your first question. Use something in the answer to frame your next question. Even if this takes you off the path for a while, it leads to rich rewards because of the comfort level it provides to the person you are questioning. This approach also sounds more conversational and therefore less threatening. This is one reason why I urge you to plan your questions, not to memorize them.
• Don’t interrupt; let the other person answer the question! You’re asking the questions to get answers, so it almost goes without saying that you need to stop talking and listen.

The film The Silence of the Lambs is an excellent example of each of the above elements of the question-and-answer dynamic. In one of the film’s pivotal scenes, FBI agent Clarice Starling questions the sinister Dr. Hannibal Lecter in his dungeon-like holding cell. She wants clues about a serial killer on the loose. Lecter offers to provide her with clues if she provides him with stories of her past. Watch how Starling quietly listens to Lecter’s questions and how she asks for the clues to help her find the killer. Both parties ask direct and tailored questions planned in advance. Watch the question-and-answer scenes in the film for a lesson not only in how to ask questions, but also in how to wait patiently for the answer.

How big’s your pocket?

I wish I could say that I always eliminated the confusions that occur when vague terms are used. The truth is that people think that they don’t have time to do so. Sometimes, you just want to get out of a conversational situation, and the last thing you want to do is prolong things by making absolutely sure that you have all the details correct. Other times, being specific just doesn’t seem that important. Rarely do any of these “reasons” outweigh the benefits of getting specific information.

I recently had a meeting with a wealthy investor. When we were finished discussing the subject of our meeting, he mentioned that he had given “pocket money” to one of my clients. I took that, quite literally, as a small amount of reimbursement for nonspecific expenses. I thought, “Oh, that’s nice” and said as much. In the South, we call that kind of money “walking around money.” Later, I learned that he had written a check for $100,000 and was annoyed and frustrated with my client at the way the money was being spent. He was also unhappy with me for not rectifying the situation after he had informed me about it. Needless to say, I was shocked to learn all of this from a trusted friend whom the investor and I had in common. Fortunately, we were able to remedy the problem right away.

If his comment had been the subject of the meeting, I would have sought clarification at the moment. As it was, I didn’t give the comment much thought, and his annoyance continued to simmer until I heard the complaint clearly two weeks later and was able to fix it. This story is a happy one because I learned the details fairly quickly. The situation could have smoldered and seriously damaged my client’s and (unfairly) my own relationship with that investor. And why? Lack of clarity. When my client explained carefully and completely how the money was being spent, the investor was not only satisfied, he advanced more money. Some of the best time you can spend in almost any situation is that extra moment it takes to make sure that everyone is communicating clearly.

Clarifying relativity

Requiring others to define relative words is just as important as asking them to explain specific pieces of jargon. Relative words are nonspecific, descriptive words that only have meaning in relation to something else. Here are some examples of relative words that can create a great deal of confusion:
_ Cheap
_ High quality
_ Large
_ Many
_ Soon
_ Substantial
Don’t be shy about asking for clarification when someone lays one of these words on you. If the person insists on using generalities, as some people do, press for a range. If you still don’t get a specific answer, supply two or three ranges and force the person to choose one.
Let’s say your new customer says, “We’re thinking of placing a big order with you.” That’s good news if you and your new customer both use the words “big order” the same way. But you need to ask for specifics. If your customer doesn’t answer with a number, you can say, “Do you mean more like ten, or maybe about a hundred, or would it be closer to a thousand?” Whatever the answer is, just say “thank you.” Don’t belabor the point that you wouldn’t call that a “big order.” You should make a note of the information, as well. These situations offer a great opportunity to find out more about the company that you’re dealing with. It’s a good time to ask questions about the normal size of the orders from this company, why it’s changing now, and other pieces of information that will help you service this client much better.

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Battling the jargon

Don’t be shy or embarrassed about asking someone to clarify a statement. Many people use jargon or shorthand when they talk, so you can’t always be sure of what they mean. For example, when I met with the head of marketing for the For Dummies book series, she started talking about the AMC. I teased her about the jargon that, to me, meant American Multi Cinema, a large chain of motion picture theaters. She quickly identified AMC as the advanced marketing chapter, which is sent to various buyers months before the entire book is ready for print. This situation was easy to handle because the brand manager was happy to clarify. I just needed to ask.

A slightly more difficult situation arises when you are both in the same industry, and the other person assumes that you know the meaning of words that he or she is using. You may feel embarrassed to ask for the meaning under that circumstance, because you think that you should know. You can handle this situation by saying, “Just to be sure that we are using our shorthand in the same way, tell me exactly how you define XYZ.” When the other person gives you his or her definition, use it. Here are three useful responses when the other party defines a term for you:

• “That’s great! We use that phrase the same way.”
• “Glad I asked; we use that phrase a little differently, but we can go with your definition.”
• “Thanks, I just learned something new.”

If you really think the other person is miles off the target and some real damage may be done if you use the word his or her way instead of your way, say: “We should define that term in the written agreement so others won’t get confused. You and I know what we are talking about, but we want to be sure that everyone else does, too.” Don’t get into a battle over definitions. There’s a third situation in which you may run into jargon. Some people, particularly doctors, lawyers, and accountants, use jargon to impress others with their knowledge, power, or position.

As often as not, they use this device on their own clients. Use the preceding techniques to get clear on the conversation, but if the problem is chronic, look for another professional to serve your needs.

Tickle It Out: The Art of Coaxing Out Information

Effective listening requires probing. No one says everything you want to hear in the exact order, depth, and detail that you prefer. You have to ask. No phrase describes the job of questioning better than tickle it out. Questions are a way of coaxing out information that you want or need. In a trial, the question-and-answer format rules the proceedings. Attorneys and the judge can talk to each other in declarative sentences, but all the testimony is presented in the somewhat artificial format of question-and-answer. In court, the purpose of every question should be to obtain specific information. If the question isn’t answered directly, it needs to be asked in another way. The rules in the courtroom are pretty specific; as a matter of etiquette, you should apply similar rules in a business meeting. For example, courtesy prohibits you from barraging the other side with rapid-fire questions; court rules prevent the same thing.

Developing the ability to ask good questions is a lifelong effort. If you have the opportunity to observe a trial, notice that the primary difference between the experienced attorney and the less-experienced attorney is the ability of the former to ask the right question at the right time. Almost without fail, the key question is not a bombastic, confrontational inquiry, but a simple, easy-to-understand question designed to extract specific information. An excellent example of tickling it out occurred in the O. J. Simpson murder trial during the questioning of police officer Mark Fuhrman. Lengthy, softspoken questions led up to the simple query, “In the last ten years, have you used the ‘n’ word?” “No,” the officer replied. “Are you sure?” the attorney asked. “Yes, sir,” Mark Fuhrman responded. There were no fireworks, no victory dances at that point, but the quiet exchange permanently altered the trial. Because Fuhrman’s statement wasn’t true, the defense was able to call witness after witness to impeach his testimony.

Eventually, the truth about Fuhrman’s behavior smashed against that statement so explosively that every other piece of evidence was damaged. Fuhrman and all his co-workers were hurt by those brief words so gently tickled out during questioning. About the only place you can regularly see trained people posing careful questions is on the cable channel Court TV. It makes documentary series related to courts and the law, and it airs real trials as they’re happening. Tune in to one of the televised trials where you can see the question-asking process in a carefully structured environment. You can learn a great deal about how to ask questions by watching these court proceedings. Watch and listen as the lawyers ask their questions. Obviously, various attorneys have different skill levels.

Some are better than others. Watching these men and women in action sensitizes you to the good and bad aspects of questioning. Okay, I know Columbo is a television show, but the entire series is available on DVD! The famous detective, performed so consistently by Peter Falk, perfectly demonstrates the key skill of a good negotiator: asking really good questions. You will find Columbo using every type of question and listening to the answer. No single source better demonstrates how to ask questions. You can learn much more from Columbo. Study the man. Let him be your mentor as he entertains you. He also has incredible integrity. He sets his goal and never wavers. His steely determination brings victory in the toughest of circumstances.

Listening Your Way up the Corporate Ladder

In a negotiation, silence is golden — in fact, it is money in the bank. Remember, you can’t listen and talk at the same time (not to yourself or to anyone else). Many a negotiation has been blown — and many a sale lost — because someone kept talking long after discussion was necessary or desirable. Conversely, many an opportunity to gain valuable information has been lost because the listening activity stops too soon. One of the best ways to control a meeting is to listen to everyone in the room. Pretty soon you’ll be running the meeting. If a big talker is monopolizing the negotiation, that person probably doesn’t even recognize that others want to contribute to the discussion. Stifle your instinct to grab the floor yourself. Instead, point out someone else who looks as though he or she is trying to talk. “Jane, you look like you had a comment on that.” Jane appreciates it, others appreciate it, and you suddenly control the meeting even if you’re the junior person at the table. Sometimes others can make your point for you. If you find that you still have something to add, the group will probably let you do so. You are now a hero, even to members of the other negotiating team. When you do say something, everyone listens out of appreciation — if not admiration. Various studies have shown that successful people listen better than their counterparts — especially on their way up. Ironically, great success sometimes causes a person to be a less sensitive listener, usually to that person’s detriment. The most visible example is the president of the United States, who must listen well during the rise to political power. However, a sitting president can easily become cut off from the very people who helped in the ascent. The isolated president is a common feature of the American political landscape. To become successful in the business world and stay successful, you must be a good listener. Here are some examples of the importance of listening effectively while you’re on the clock:

• Many managers face setbacks in their careers when they prejudge an employee before they hear all sides of the story. If you want to gain respect as a manager, gather all the data from all the parties before you take any action.
• New employees need to listen first when they enter a meeting or a department. Get the lay of the land. Resist that first verbal contribution, which will be everyone’s first impression of you, until you know that the contribution is a good one.
• Salespeople lose sales when they talk more than they listen. The successful ones use empathetic statements to show they understand what the customer is saying and how he or she is feeling.

Broadway Danny Rose is one of Woody Allen’s best films. You don’t have to like Woody Allen to like this movie. It’s all about some very senior stand-up comics (has-been, borscht-belt guys) sitting around New York’s famous Carnegie Deli reminiscing about the life of a renegade agent named Danny Rose (played by Woody Allen).
During the movie, note that Woody Allen’s character talks nonstop without ever stopping to think what he is saying. But he hangs in there. Give that man points for tenacity. His negotiating success is purely accidental from a technical point of view. He never uses any of the negotiating skills in this book. You may wonder why people spend the time and effort becoming good negotiators when people like Broadway Danny Rose can succeed without skills. The movie demonstrates just how accidental his success is. Life is sweeping this man along. He just keeps talking.

Wake yourself up

If you are truly interested in what the other party is saying, look the part. Keep your eyes focused. Acknowledge the other party’s words with a nod.
However, if you feel yourself getting drowsy, don’t give in. Sit up straighter. Stand up. Get the blood flowing in whatever way works for you. Don’t think that you can effectively hide flagging interest without changing your physical position. If you are tired, it will show. And if boredom sets in, don’t expect a lively conversation and don’t expect a good negotiation. In your very next conversation, just for the fun of it, assume the most attentive position you can. Observe how this change in behavior improves your listening skills. Follow these tips for enhancing your next conversation:

• Uncross your arms and legs.
• Sit straight in the chair.
• Face the speaker full on.
• Lean forward.
• Make as much eye contact as you can.

Count to three

One. Two. Three. Here’s an extraordinarily simple device to help you listen more effectively. Just count to three before you speak. This slight delay enables you to absorb and understand the last statement before you respond. The delay also announces that you have given some thought to what you are about to say. It gives oomph to the words that will come out of your mouth.

As you practice this skill over time, counting may not be necessary, but the pause always pays off. You absorb the message, and you give the other party one last chance to modify the statement or question. Even if your response is simply that you must consult with your client, spouse, or boss, pausing for three beats helps you better comprehend and remember what the other person said.

Take notes during listening session

Taking notes is a great listening aid. Regardless of whether you ever refer to your notes again, the mere act of writing down the salient points boosts the entire listening process. Writing information down engages other parts of your brain, as well as your eyes and fingers, in the listening process. It’s almost impossible for a person to fully absorb an entire conversation of any length without making some written notes.

Making notes is important throughout every step of the negotiating process. Immediately after a negotiating session, review your notes to be sure that you wrote down everything you may want to recall, and that you can read everything you wrote down. Remember from your student days how confusing old notes can be: strange abbreviations, unintelligible squiggles, large coffee stains. When you are comfortable with your notes, consider providing a status report to the other side. A confirming memo is an excellent way to assure that you listened well. Writing down what you think you heard and verifying the material with the other side are positive experiences for both parties. However, if your counterpart believes that you recorded the conversation incorrectly, he or she may get angry and reject your version. You still win in such a case. Your memo serves an excellent purpose if the response reveals that you and your counterpart have conflicting views of the proceedings. Immediately thank the other party. Point out that you wrote the memo to be sure that you listened well and interpreted the discussion accurately.

You may not have listened carefully, but it’s just as likely that the other party is correcting a sloppy communication to you. People often change or refine their positions after they see them in black and white. Let that modification happen gracefully. When the other party provides a new version of the negotiation, simply change your notes. Don’t argue about the past conversation. Fighting over who said what seldom furthers the negotiations; identifying the opposing party’s position does. Remember: You write it out to get it right. In family meetings, recording negotiations and agreements is often just as important as it is in business meetings. Make a habit of writing down house rules of conduct for young children and chores for older children. I even know some couples who write out agreements between spouses or loved ones. That way, everyone is clear on the expectations. Your life is easier, and behavior is more consistent.

Clear away the clutter

To be a good listener, you have to clear out the clutter. This isn’t just a question of good manners, it’s an absolute necessity if you want to focus on the person speaking to you. Noise clutter, desk clutter, and even mind clutter all interfere with good listening. It also keeps others from listening to you. Watch Mike Judge’s satire Office Space for a lesson on clearing away the clutter. The film, released during the dot.com bust, is about an ordinary guy, Peter Gibbons, who works for a large, high-tech company called Initech. The lesson on clutter comes from Milton, Peter’s co-worker who is on the verge of being laid off. Milton is a frumpy curmudgeon who hides in his cubicle behind stacks of files. Nobody talks to Milton. He mumbles throughout most of the film, and the annoying office manager ultimately banishes Milton to a cockroach-infested storage room. Most of us aren’t Milton, but the eccentric character teaches us that clearing away the clutter makes life easier. Stacks of files, trinkets on your desk, or a red stapler will only distract others when speaking to you. Clutter gives an initial impression of disorganization. Disorganization leads to mistrust from the other party because it sends the message that if your desk is disorganized, so is your way of being.

Our law firm used to have an attorney whose office was such a mess that I quit giving him work. I would go into his office with something that needed to get done, see the mess, and leave without ever mentioning the task. We developed a wonderful friendship, but I took the work down the hall to another attorney who always completed the task on time and without me worrying one bit that it would be lost in a big pile on his desk. The lawyer who did the work had a desk that was immaculate. He listened carefully to my instructions and never, ever missed a deadline. He was so busy that he eventually left us to go out on his own where he is doing very well. Think about the worst listener you’ve encountered in your life. If you have a teenager, you probably don’t have to look far. Consider the all-too-typical teen’s life: an MP3 player plugged into both ears, television set blaring, books and clothes strewn everywhere. No wonder your teenager can’t hear you. Your words may temporarily penetrate the chaos, but the full content of your message doesn’t get through. It can’t get through all the clutter. Why not learn from your teenager’s mistakes?

• When you talk to someone, don’t just mute the television set, turn it off. _ If you have something else on your mind, write it down before you enter a conversation. With a note as a reminder, you won’t worry about forgetting to address the issue — and your mind is free to concentrate on the conversation.
• Clear your desk — or whatever is between you and the speaker — so you can focus on what the speaker is saying.
• Don’t accept phone calls while you’re talking with someone else. Interrupting a conversation to take a telephone call makes the person in the room with you feel unimportant and makes what you have to say seem unimportant.

When a co-worker comes to your office, don’t feel that you need to engage in a discussion right away. If you know that you need to finish a task, you may be better off delaying the conversation. Otherwise, the unfinished task will play gently on your mind and distract you from listening effectively. If the project you’re engaged in will only take a moment to complete, try saying, “Just a minute, let me finish this so I can give you my full attention.” If it’s going to take a while, ask to schedule a meeting for later that day. You may be afraid that the other person will be insulted if you put him or her off. In fact, the vast majority of people are flattered that you actually want to listen. Your co-workers would rather wait until you can listen than have you tending to other business while they’re trying to talk to you. The same rule holds true for phone conversations. Never try to negotiate on the telephone while you’re reading a note from your assistant, catching up on filing, or doing research on the Internet. Trying to do two tasks at once simply doesn’t work. True, your ears can be engaged in listening while your eyes are occupied with something else. However, your brain cannot simultaneously process the conflicting information from your eyes and from your ears. Both messages lose out.

I know a lot of people who like to brag about their ability to multitask, and they’re probably safe to do so, if the tasks are not very important or accuracy is not critical. But if it’s anything important, don’t multitask. Don’t ever try to con yourself into believing that you can listen effectively while you’re doing something else that requires the least little bit of brainpower. To be a better listener, clear the clutter away — from your ears, your desk, and your mind. Nothing gets in the way like stuff. Get rid of it.

Not expecting value in others

Many people don’t listen simply because they aren’t expecting others to say anything of value. Every human being has something to contribute. Sometimes you must do some digging, but everyone has some special knowledge. In a negotiation, the other party has a great deal of beneficial information. But if your normal mind-set is that the people you talk to have very little to contribute, turning that around and listening effectively may be difficult. When some people speak, what they have to say and how they go about saying it is, to put it bluntly, boring. Spending the energy to listen to such people may not seem worth the effort. But even these people often have valuable information and insight. Your job is to draw such speakers out. Question them until you hit some nugget of interesting information. In fact, good listeners tend to attract much more interesting company than others. It’s also true that, by listening carefully to the company you keep, you learn much more about the subjects that make them interesting. Listening can be like sifting through sand on the beach. This is truer at a cocktail party than at a scheduled negotiating session. To be the best possible listener at the negotiating session, you can practice at cocktail parties. The next time you have to go to a party, keep repeating, “Buried within this chatter is something of value.” If you want to find it, you can.

Preconception of a Person

Beware of the preconception. A preconception is an expectation that prevents your mind from staying open and receptive. Like its relative, the assumption, the preconception is an enemy to listening. Both problems seem to prey on people in long-term relationships.
A preconception is a notion that just because a person has behaved one way before, he or she will act that way again. If a person blusters once, for example, you may well jump to the conclusion that the individual will display the same behavior during the next negotiation. “Oh, he’s just that way” may be an accurate statement of fact. But if that conclusion is used as an explanation for every outburst, it may well mask the reality that the blustering party is quite angry at some aspect of your behavior. The blusterer may be genuinely frustrated this time at not being able to reach a deal or may be reacting to pressures from places not related to the negotiation. So how do you fight the preconception? Greet a person as though you are meeting him or her for the first time. Practice on your receptionist or whomever you first see at work. Stop. Turn. Look the person in the eye. Ask, “How are you today?” And listen, really listen, to the answer. If you greet people as though you are meeting them for the very first time, you will go a long way to conquering preconceptions.

Habits That Break Your Listening Ability

Maybe you have, over time, developed the habit of talking or thinking ahead when you should be listening. If this is the case, you can treat this habit like smoking; you can quit.
Changing this behavior pattern is difficult because you have to do it on your own. No nicotine patch is available for effective listening. The more status and power you have, the less likely people are to tell you that they think you’re not listening. They notice. They react. They just don’t tell you. It’s like bad breath; many notice, and few comment.
Habits are hard to break, no question about it. Just think about all the money that has been made trying to get people to break the smoking habit or change eating habits or stop a drinking habit. You won’t find many courses on changing listening habits because bad listeners usually aren’t so self-aware, and their behavior isn’t so noticeably and immediately destructive. If you really want to break the habit of not listening, you can use the following steps to improve. Don’t be too hard on yourself if your improvement isn’t as a rapid as you would like. You’re way ahead of the pack for even trying.

1. Be aware of how you listen whenever anyone talks. Do you actually turn physically toward them and look them in the eye, or do you continue multitasking in some fashion or other?
2. Monitor how often your mind wanders, thinking of something else. Wouldn’t it be embarrassing if an audible alarm went off every time your mind wandered during a conversation?
3. Actively work on bringing your mind back to the conversation at hand each and every time it wanders.

No matter how boring the speaker is, bring your mind back, and then try to use questions to keep things more interesting. One of the best uses of questions is for turning the boring into the interesting.

The energy drag that hamper your day and biorhythm

Your energy can drag in two ways. One is the effect of your very own biorhythm or energy cycle. The other is some specific factor that affects you at a specific time for a specific reason. I talk about the biorhythm first. Every human being has a biorhythm. That means that each person has a time of day when his or her energy naturally peaks and a time of day when his or her energy naturally slumps. Its part of the human condition and it’s slightly different for everyone. This rhythm occurs totally independent of any specific events. You have heard people say, “I’m not a morning person” or “She’s a real night person.” They are talking about the natural biorhythm. By the time you become an adult, you have a good idea of what the best time of the day is for you to do various things.

And it’s not just the amount of energy, but what the energy is good for. I like to write in the morning. If I can, I schedule meetings for the afternoon so my reading and drafting activities take place during the morning hours. That’s me. If at all possible, I schedule serious negotiations for the afternoon. What is your biorhythm? How do you normally function in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening? It’s important to do what you can to match your activities up with your own natural biorhythm. This isn’t always possible, not even for me, but it’s a worthy goal to have in mind. In the office, try not to schedule negotiations for the latter part of your workday, if that’s when your energy tends to be lower. For you, your mind won’t be as fresh as it is before lunch, for example. You don’t carry the “baggage” of your workday with you if you schedule meetings during the first half of the day. On the contrary, you may have had a good day at work and you’re pumped and ready for a negotiation late in the day.

But what if the other party is experiencing an energy drag? What if the other party isn’t having a good day? Perhaps your counterpart doesn’t want to listen. Your negotiation is then similarly in danger of not proceeding well. The unfortunate truth is that often the two negotiators will have different rhythms to their energy. You just have to try to make things work the best for you because it’s not possible to change someone else’s rhythm. No matter what biorhythm may be involved, more often than not specific circumstances will trump the biorhythm. Sometimes people are just too tired to listen. Listening takes energy. If your energy is flagging because of a lack of sleep or the crush of other business, you have a hard time listening. Be aware of that fact. You probably have said or heard, “Slow down, I’ve had a long day at work.” That’s the sound of a good negotiator, someone who knows that you can’t always listen at top speed. If the speaker needs to slow down for you to fully participate and pay attention, just say so.

A case of weak self-confidence (the butterflies)

Many people who talk too much when they should be listening do so out of nervousness. Talking a great deal is often a mask for, or a result of, old fashioned butterflies.
Butterflies are lethal to good listening — they cause a person’s mind to race around searching for an answer, observation, or anecdote while the other person is speaking. A mind in motion blocks listening as effectively as a mouth in motion. Think back to your worst interview ever. Chances are that it didn’t go well because you weren’t listening and, most likely, were talking too much. Job interviews are nerve-racking experiences. The butterflies fly at full speed.
In the heat of the moment, you don’t realize how much you are talking. By and large, the same people who talk too much usually don’t even listen to themselves. Interrupt them and ask them to repeat something they just said, and they can’t do it. They talk, but they don’t listen — not even to themselves! An unfortunate side effect often occurs when your mind is racing during communication. The person speaking takes your silence for listening, not preoccupation. Then, when you give an inappropriate answer or, worse, a loud “Huh?” that person makes an immediate and inaccurate assessment of your IQ. In essence, you make yourself look stupid, something you don’t want to do, especially during a negotiation. It sets you up for failure. Understand that butterflies are not free. They are expensive. If your butterflies cause you to lose control of your mouth when you need to be listening, they can cost you a job, a sale, a contract, or a date. Take a moment to breathe the next time you interview for a job or buy a car or audition for a role. A calm mind allows you to focus on what you say without saying too much. Better yet, it helps you listen.
Rechanneling anxieties into positive energy makes you look confident and in control in listening situations, as well as when you speak. Energy can voluntarily escape your body through five channels: eyes, hands, feet, body, and voice. Releasing your energy through eye contact is better than talking too much. Leaning forward and listening harder is better than talking too much. The key is to recognize that these feelings of anxiety are actually energy that your body is generating to help move you through a dangerous situation. If it sounds somewhat primordial, it is. The better your skills, the less threatened you feel and the less nervous energy your body must manage. Be aware of the ways in which butterflies affect each of these channels:

• Eyes: Butterflies cause you to look away from the person sitting across from you, giving the impression that you’re not focused. Don’t let your eyes flit around. Stay focused on the speaker.
• Hands: Butterflies cause you to fidget or wring your hands. Sit on your hands if you have to, but don’t be fidgety with them. Sometimes you can settle the butterflies by clenching your hands in your lap. This drains some of that energy that the butterflies create.
• Feet: Butterflies cause you to inadvertently tap your feet. This little tap dance is real irritating. Instead, press your feet hard against the floor. This is not noticeable and, like the clenched hands in the lap, can help drain off all that nervous energy that is coming out through your feet.
• Body: Butterflies cause you to slouch or cross your arms against your chest. This reaction isn’t as bad as some of the other behaviors because a lot of people do this naturally. However, it makes you look very unreceptive. Again, if this is the way the butterflies affect you, add some push to it. Tense your muscles to relieve the pressure of the extra energy and get you to a place where you can relax.
• Voice: Butterflies cause your voice to quiver or make you talk softly or too loudly. Stuttering can also be a problem. This is the toughest channel to control because your voice is the hardest to hide and one of the most obvious indicators of nervousness. Try not to talk much until you get the butterflies back in their cage. When you do talk, use short words and short sentences. Eventually, the butterflies leave. Try to refocus your energy on listening instead of blocking. You can avoid the pitfalls of the butterflies, but it takes a prolonged, conscientious effort.

A case of the “yeah, buts”

One of the most self-destructive ways to listen in business and personal situations is listening with what I call the “yeah, buts.” This condition occurs when there is a kernel (or more) of truth in something negative that is being said but you don’t want to hear it. You are defensive about what the speaker is saying, so the first response out of your mouth is “yeah, but.” Whether you’re listening to a customer, boss, or spouse, you’ve got to put the automatic “yeah, but” response on hold. Watch out for responses like these:

• “Yeah, I know, but you’re not our only customer.”
• “Yeah, but honey, you’re always on my case about that.”
• “Yeah, but you always use that tone of voice with me.”

These responses keep you from hearing the other person. You block out any chance you have of learning something from this person. You want to say “I hear you” or “I understand” first. Then make sure that you do. Ask questions to find out as much as possible about what the other person is saying. Don’t stop until you fully understand what is being said; then — and only then — you can try to explain the situation. You will get more positive results this way.

The defense mechanism

One reason people don’t listen carefully during a negotiation is purely psychological. Generally speaking, people don’t want to get bad news. Some people state this derisively, as in, “Oh, he just hears what he wants to hear.” Catchphrases like that almost always have more than a kernel of truth in them. In fact, everyone filters out bad news to one extent or another. Every animal has stunning built-in survival mechanisms. One of the most important survival mechanisms is to hear danger coming. A predator, a fire, even a storm all have some advance warning signals that animals that want to avoid danger must hear and assess. Animals run from approaching danger. Although humans have retained many useful self-defense mechanisms, such as blinking, ducking, and flinching in the face of danger, we seem to have lost a very important one — the ability to hear danger coming. Perhaps we’ve decided that simply not hearing the danger is a better approach than hearing and, subsequently, having to deal with it. Not so. This is one case where animals are more advanced than humans are. Only when you hear and can accurately assess the danger you face are you in a position to avoid or defuse it. In fact, you should force yourself to probe even deeper if you suspect that bad news is lurking.

People use defense mechanisms in different ways. Some scream and holler, causing others to flinch. Some cave in to the predatory aspects of aggressors and instead hold in frustrations or grievances, using silence as a defense. The best thing to do is listen. In this modern world, words — not winds or sounds or temperature shifts — are the harbinger of bad news. In the workplace, you don’t have to worry about a physical attack. You have to worry about a future event that you can only learn about if you hear or read about it. So listen. Listen very carefully. It’s important for you to get as much detail as possible about whatever bad thing is coming your way. Unlike an animal that must run away from danger, you must stand and listen and absorb as much information as you can.

Barton Fink, by the Coen brothers, exemplifies not listening as a defense mechanism in all its glory. The film is about a newly successful New York playwright, Barton Fink, played by John Turturro, who accepts an offer to write a film while living in a creepy Los Angeles hotel. He finds himself with writer’s block. The Hollywood studio chief who hires Fink to write the picture is Jack Lipnick, played by Michael Lerner, a loud, brash, overbearing executive based on MGM’s legendary Louis B. Mayer. Watch the scene where Fink has his first meeting with Lipnick. Instead of listening to Fink, Lipnick uses every scare tactic in the book to command the room. Because he failed to hear Fink, Lipnick thinks he gets what he wants. In this case, he commissions Fink to take the writing job. If he had listened, he would have heard the bad news that Fink was not the man for the job. He would have known that Fink simply wasn’t going to write the script. He would have been a lot better off hiring someone who at least wanted to try to write the script.

Barriers to Being a Good Listener

Most people try to be good listeners, and most people consider themselves successful. Yet accusations such as “You are not listening to me!” abound. Unfortunately, a number of barriers to listening apply to a greater or lesser extent to everybody at some time or another.
One of the biggest reasons that listening is so hard is that our brains have been wired for thousands of years in a certain way. You can think much faster than anyone can talk. Speech rate is about 100 to 150 words per minute. You can listen at more than 500 words per minute. It’s only natural that your mind may race ahead of the words you hear and even take in other conversations. You have to be very careful that, when this happens, you refocus on the speaker. Face it: You’re battling thousands of years of pure biology.