A case of weak self-confidence (the butterflies)

Many people who talk too much when they should be listening do so out of nervousness. Talking a great deal is often a mask for, or a result of, old fashioned butterflies.
Butterflies are lethal to good listening — they cause a person’s mind to race around searching for an answer, observation, or anecdote while the other person is speaking. A mind in motion blocks listening as effectively as a mouth in motion. Think back to your worst interview ever. Chances are that it didn’t go well because you weren’t listening and, most likely, were talking too much. Job interviews are nerve-racking experiences. The butterflies fly at full speed.
In the heat of the moment, you don’t realize how much you are talking. By and large, the same people who talk too much usually don’t even listen to themselves. Interrupt them and ask them to repeat something they just said, and they can’t do it. They talk, but they don’t listen — not even to themselves! An unfortunate side effect often occurs when your mind is racing during communication. The person speaking takes your silence for listening, not preoccupation. Then, when you give an inappropriate answer or, worse, a loud “Huh?” that person makes an immediate and inaccurate assessment of your IQ. In essence, you make yourself look stupid, something you don’t want to do, especially during a negotiation. It sets you up for failure. Understand that butterflies are not free. They are expensive. If your butterflies cause you to lose control of your mouth when you need to be listening, they can cost you a job, a sale, a contract, or a date. Take a moment to breathe the next time you interview for a job or buy a car or audition for a role. A calm mind allows you to focus on what you say without saying too much. Better yet, it helps you listen.
Rechanneling anxieties into positive energy makes you look confident and in control in listening situations, as well as when you speak. Energy can voluntarily escape your body through five channels: eyes, hands, feet, body, and voice. Releasing your energy through eye contact is better than talking too much. Leaning forward and listening harder is better than talking too much. The key is to recognize that these feelings of anxiety are actually energy that your body is generating to help move you through a dangerous situation. If it sounds somewhat primordial, it is. The better your skills, the less threatened you feel and the less nervous energy your body must manage. Be aware of the ways in which butterflies affect each of these channels:

• Eyes: Butterflies cause you to look away from the person sitting across from you, giving the impression that you’re not focused. Don’t let your eyes flit around. Stay focused on the speaker.
• Hands: Butterflies cause you to fidget or wring your hands. Sit on your hands if you have to, but don’t be fidgety with them. Sometimes you can settle the butterflies by clenching your hands in your lap. This drains some of that energy that the butterflies create.
• Feet: Butterflies cause you to inadvertently tap your feet. This little tap dance is real irritating. Instead, press your feet hard against the floor. This is not noticeable and, like the clenched hands in the lap, can help drain off all that nervous energy that is coming out through your feet.
• Body: Butterflies cause you to slouch or cross your arms against your chest. This reaction isn’t as bad as some of the other behaviors because a lot of people do this naturally. However, it makes you look very unreceptive. Again, if this is the way the butterflies affect you, add some push to it. Tense your muscles to relieve the pressure of the extra energy and get you to a place where you can relax.
• Voice: Butterflies cause your voice to quiver or make you talk softly or too loudly. Stuttering can also be a problem. This is the toughest channel to control because your voice is the hardest to hide and one of the most obvious indicators of nervousness. Try not to talk much until you get the butterflies back in their cage. When you do talk, use short words and short sentences. Eventually, the butterflies leave. Try to refocus your energy on listening instead of blocking. You can avoid the pitfalls of the butterflies, but it takes a prolonged, conscientious effort.