Identifying your hot buttons

So before I go any further, I am going to ask you to do something that is more difficult than listing your pause buttons. I want you to list your hot buttons. In seminars around the world, people often get emotional while doing this. The question is: “What makes your blood pressure rise?” or “When are you most likely to get upset in a negotiation?” Write down your answer in this space:

Acknowledging clearly and unequivocally what upsets you in a negotiation is a big step toward avoiding that situation. You recognize your own demons. You won’t get rid of your hot buttons, but you will know to push your pause button as soon as the other party exhibits a certain behavior. Does yelling bother you? If you are aware of that, you can push your pause button at the first sound of a raised voice.
At my three-day intensive negotiating seminars, I ask the participants to share their hot buttons with the group, and they always list a wide range of behaviors. Lying is always one of the first hot buttons mentioned. Many women dislike being talked down to. Everybody seems to have an aversion to yelling, vulgarity, and physical bullying, such as desk pounding. If the group is large, someone usually brings up a new irritant. You are not alone in having a hot button. You are part of the human race. Negotiators (and, in fact, humans in general) deal with many different emotions all the time. I will discuss the most common hot buttons that come up during (and often get in the way of) negotiating.

Dealing with Your Hot Buttons

Everybody experiences emotions and responses. Just because you are involved in a negotiation doesn’t mean that you’ll remain cool, calm, and collected throughout. In fact, the more important the negotiation is to you on a personal level, the more likely it is to stir up your emotional responses. Of course, sometimes we forget that we have pause buttons — especially when someone else is pushing our buttons. For example, you ask a co-worker to do something, and she responds, “That’s not my job.” Feeling your blood pressure rise, you may be tempted to blurt out, “Well, it’s not mine either, blockhead!”
You may think this, but you needn’t say it. You have a pause button. When you push it, you realize that if you utter your first response, you won’t get the job done and you may alienate the co-worker. (Remember, friends come and go; enemies accumulate.) So instead you say, “I understand.” And you do: The person feels overworked and underpaid — don’t we all? Then you may say, “I know that you’re swamped, but this thing has to get done to meet the deadline. Can you give it any time at all?” And the negotiation begins. Now you have a chance of getting what you want. The ability to respond emotionally is a part of every healthy human being. When you feel emotions welling up inside you, having control means that you choose to use these emotions to your advantage, instead of allowing them to send you to the locker room in defeat or cause you to blow up. This section discusses the emotions that commonly arise in any negotiation — at home or at work — and suggests ways to handle them in yourself and others. To negotiate masterfully, you must stay in control of your emotions. This means having the confidence to take control in the first place and the skill to channel your emotions effectively as the negotiation progresses. You can usually do this — with one exception: when people or situations push your hot buttons. Hot buttons are stimuli that trigger a response of resistance and cause you to be tempted to go out of control.

Pushing the pause button to save lives

The most dramatic example of good use of the pause button is during a hostage situation. Hostage situations arise in several different contexts. Sometimes hostages are taken to make a political point. Sometimes hostages are taken in an old-fashioned kidnapping for financial gain. The most common hostage situation arises because something went wrong in a robbery. With today’s swift communications techniques, officers often arrive on the scene of a crime as the perpetrator is coming out the front door, which sends the criminal running back into the building. When that happens, the scared criminal is trapped and has a brand new problem on his hands: the unplanned holding of whoever is inside the bank or store. The criminal doesn’t have time to figure out what a pickle he is in and usually thinks he has some terrific advantage. What happens in real life is that some highly skilled, well-trained law enforcement officials swoop in to negotiate for the release of hostages. The police have a simple mission: Do nothing to endanger the hostages or to prevent getting them out safely.
The television cameras generally focus on some cool cop trained for the task of lead negotiator. This person was typically trained at the twoweek FBI school in Quantico, Virginia. Where does all that cool come from? Truth is that no one can be counted on for constant cool. That’s why a member of the support team is in charge of the pause button. This member’s main task is to continually monitor the entire situation to be sure that all the officers keep their cool —no grandstanding, no heroes, just a lot of hard work. This officer insists on taking enough time to get the captor’s demands in detail. Without such a pause, a captor rarely thinks through and states demands so specifically. If the demands are laid out clearly, the negotiation closes successfully more often than not. The captor usually walks out with his hands over his head. Next time you see such a situation on television, try to find the person standing calmly near the lead negotiator. That person is probably the keeper of the pause button. Wouldn’t it be great to have one person in your life in charge of keeping the cool? But you’re on your own; you have to pack your own pause button. Don’t leave home without it.

If You’re Not the Only One to Pause

Your awareness of the pause button sets you apart from other negotiators. But don’t worry if the other side is also aware of this technique. Don’t think of the pause button as a top-secret weapon because, when your negotiating counterparts have their own pause buttons, the negotiations proceed even more smoothly and come to a more satisfactory resolution. Sometimes you have the strong sense that the other person needs to push the pause button. Never say so in so many words. Instead, be very explicit about your need to take a break. Mince no words.

• “I need a break.”
• “You know, things are getting a little heated in here. Can I take five?”
• “Let’s call it quits for a while. Can we get together tomorrow morning to pick this back up?”

Consider how non-threatening those words are. Contrast that approach with sentences that use the word “you” a lot. For instance, “Hey, pal, you really need to cool off. Let’s take a break.” No matter how you tone that sentence down, the other party will put up resistance or react negatively. When you request a pause, you should focus on your needs and wants, not the other side. When someone else asks for a break, be very cautious before you resist it. If a person needs thinking time or needs a moment to regroup, allow it. In fact, take a break yourself. But be alert. If you conclude, after one or two breaks, that the other party is unfocused or is not paying attention, you may decide to try to extend a session. You have to distinguish between the other party using a pause button and the other party just being restless or tired. Allowing the other party to push the pause button, or pushing your own pause button, makes the negotiating process more focused, effective, and pleasant for everyone involved.

Pausing under pressure

Some negotiators use pressure to get what they want from you. They may impose an artificial deadline, use emotional “hurry up” language, or ask intimidating questions, such as “Don’t you trust me?” or “What else could you possibly need to know?” Don’t give in to these pressures. Tell whoever is bullying you into reaching a decision that if you’re not allowed to use your pause button, you’re not going to negotiate with him at all. Sometimes the pause button is your only defense against being pressured into making a decision based on someone else’s deadline.
Decisions made under artificial pressures — especially time pressures imposed by the other side in a negotiation — are often flawed, simply because the decision maker does not have sufficient time to consult that most personal of counselors, the inner voice. (Chapter 10 can get you in touch with your own inner voice.)
If you’re feeling pressure to reach a decision immediately, you can even push the pause button to assess whether you need to push the pause button. Take a few moments to consider whether the pressure for a speedy response is reasonable. Certain external circumstances do require immediate decisions. However, they are few and far between, especially in a business negotiation.

Pausing before a concession

Every request for a concession calls for pushing the pause button. Your moment of reflection gives the concession some significance. You must treat the concession as significant, or you aren’t perceived as having made a concession — the other party doesn’t realize he or she has gained anything. No concession is unimportant. By emphasizing each concession in your own mind, you have not given ground for naught. This is not just an act. A pause, no matter how slight, before making a concession gives you an opportunity to be sure it’s the right thing to do in addition to giving the concession some importance. You want to be sure that you always have something left to give up in order to hold onto what is important to you.
The obvious and easiest example is conceding a price too quickly. Too often, a quick concession robs the other party of the good feelings that she rightfully deserves after making a good bargain. It leaves the other party feeling that she priced the article too low and that she could have gotten more if she’d been smarter. Although that may be true, what advantage is it to you that she feels that way? None. Worse, now she’s out to prevent that mistake from occurring the next time you negotiate, or she compensates by taking a hard line on another aspect of the deal. Giving a concession too quickly can have ramifications across the board.

Knowing When to Pause

Your first practical opportunity to use the pause button arrives before you participate in the first session of a negotiation. Ask yourself whether you are as prepared as you need to be. Then, when the first sentence is uttered, you’re ready to listen because you have pushed that pause button. When you speak your first words, you are clearer for having taken that break. Use the pause button at each critical moment to review the negotiation or to decide when to close a deal. Definitely use the pause button whenever you are feeling pressured or under stress.
Of course, the pause you take is only as valuable as what you do during it. Ask yourself specific questions during these brief respites. Circumstances differ for every negotiation. Usually, you need to ponder a specific point. You may want to use the time to check over the other five essential skills in a negotiation:

• Prepare: Do you need any additional pieces of information?
• Set goals or limits: How close are you to your original goals? Is the shortfall acceptable? Are the limits you previously set still viable considering the additional information you have gained during the negotiation?
• Listen: Did you hear everything the other person said? Did it match up with the body language? Do you need to go back and ask any questions?
• Be clear: Do you wish you had expressed a point or an idea more clearly or directly? Try to answer this question from your counterpart’s point of view, not yours.
• Know when to close: Can any part of the negotiation be closed now? If it seems like everyone is in agreement, have you had plenty of time to live with the final proposal before accepting it?

When you become conscious of pushing the pause button and what to do during the pause, such a quick review as the preceding one is almost automatic. Sometimes you are just giving your mind a break. Sometimes you are pushing the pause button for everybody involved in the negotiation, especially if things have gotten a little heated.
Parties can get caught up in the emotions of a negotiation. They’re afraid to lose face. They become angry or distrustful of the other party. They fall in love with the deal and ignore facts that are important to decision making —especially if the decision ought to be to walk away. They let their own moods, or the moods of the other party, rule the negotiating sessions, causing the negotiations to wander off course. These problems disappear when you use a pause button.
If you want to watch a negotiator with his hand firmly on the pause button, see the HBO movie Barbarians at the Gate. This film, based on a true story, stars James Garner as the president of Nabisco and depicts his efforts to buy the company. Unfortunately for him, another buyer — played by Jonathan Pryce — is better prepared and carries a pause button with him everywhere. Watch him make millions of dollars by delaying a deal one hour. This movie is a fast-paced, exciting lesson in high-stakes negotiating. What separates the winner and the loser are preparation and the effective use of the pause button.