Listening Your Way up the Corporate Ladder

In a negotiation, silence is golden — in fact, it is money in the bank. Remember, you can’t listen and talk at the same time (not to yourself or to anyone else). Many a negotiation has been blown — and many a sale lost — because someone kept talking long after discussion was necessary or desirable. Conversely, many an opportunity to gain valuable information has been lost because the listening activity stops too soon. One of the best ways to control a meeting is to listen to everyone in the room. Pretty soon you’ll be running the meeting. If a big talker is monopolizing the negotiation, that person probably doesn’t even recognize that others want to contribute to the discussion. Stifle your instinct to grab the floor yourself. Instead, point out someone else who looks as though he or she is trying to talk. “Jane, you look like you had a comment on that.” Jane appreciates it, others appreciate it, and you suddenly control the meeting even if you’re the junior person at the table. Sometimes others can make your point for you. If you find that you still have something to add, the group will probably let you do so. You are now a hero, even to members of the other negotiating team. When you do say something, everyone listens out of appreciation — if not admiration. Various studies have shown that successful people listen better than their counterparts — especially on their way up. Ironically, great success sometimes causes a person to be a less sensitive listener, usually to that person’s detriment. The most visible example is the president of the United States, who must listen well during the rise to political power. However, a sitting president can easily become cut off from the very people who helped in the ascent. The isolated president is a common feature of the American political landscape. To become successful in the business world and stay successful, you must be a good listener. Here are some examples of the importance of listening effectively while you’re on the clock:

• Many managers face setbacks in their careers when they prejudge an employee before they hear all sides of the story. If you want to gain respect as a manager, gather all the data from all the parties before you take any action.
• New employees need to listen first when they enter a meeting or a department. Get the lay of the land. Resist that first verbal contribution, which will be everyone’s first impression of you, until you know that the contribution is a good one.
• Salespeople lose sales when they talk more than they listen. The successful ones use empathetic statements to show they understand what the customer is saying and how he or she is feeling. Broadway Danny Rose is one of Woody Allen’s best films. You don’t have to like Woody Allen to like this movie. It’s all about some very senior stand-up comics (has-been, borscht-belt guys) sitting around New York’s famous Carnegie Deli reminiscing about the life of a renegade agent named Danny Rose (played by Woody Allen).

During the movie, note that Woody Allen’s character talks nonstop without ever stopping to think what he is saying. But he hangs in there. Give that man points for tenacity. His negotiating success is purely accidental from a technical point of view. He never uses any of the negotiating skills in this book. You may wonder why people spend the time and effort becoming good negotiators when people like Broadway Danny Rose can succeed without skills. The movie demonstrates just how accidental his success is. Life is sweeping this man along. He just keeps talking.

Wake yourself up

If you are truly interested in what the other party is saying, look the part.
Keep your eyes focused. Acknowledge the other party’s words with a nod.
However, if you feel yourself getting drowsy, don’t give in. Sit up straighter. Stand up. Get the blood flowing in whatever way works for you. Don’t think that you can effectively hide flagging interest without changing your physical position. If you are tired, it will show. And if boredom sets in, don’t expect a lively conversation and don’t expect a good negotiation. In your very next conversation, just for the fun of it, assume the most attentive position you can. Observe how this change in behavior improves your listening skills. Follow these tips for enhancing your next conversation:

• Uncross your arms and legs.
• Sit straight in the chair.
• Face the speaker full on.
• Lean forward.
• Make as much eye contact as you can.

Ask questions and count to three

Asking questions is so important. I won’t detract by trying to abbreviate the subject here. Just remember that asking the right questions at the right times, and listening to the answers, can move a negotiation forward in a way that nothing else can.
One. Two. Three. Here’s an extraordinarily simple device to help you listen more effectively. Just count to three before you speak. This slight delay enables you to absorb and understand the last statement before you respond. The delay also announces that you have given some thought to what you are about to say. It gives oomph to the words that will come out of your mouth. As you practice this skill over time, counting may not be necessary, but the pause always pays off. You absorb the message, and you give the other party one last chance to modify the statement or question. Even if your response is simply that you must consult with your client, spouse, or boss, pausing for three beats helps you better comprehend and remember what the other person said.

Taking notes now for pauses later

Taking notes is helpful at many points in a negotiation, but note taking can also be a pause button. In fact, one of the best times to pull out your pen is when you need to pause. Writing down statements that con-fuse or upset you is an excellent way to push pause. Rather than blurting out an inappropriate or angry response, tell the speaker to hold on while you write down the statement. Asking the other party to check what you’ve writ-ten to be sure that you got it right can be enormously effective if the words upset you. The process of putting those words to paper almost always causes the other party to backtrack, amend, or better yet, erase the words altogether. You’ll find that most people don’t want their unreasonable statements on paper for all the world to see.

Checking with the boss: A classic that needs a little prep

If you plan to consult with your boss as a means of pushing pause in a negotiation, you should let the other party know that you don’t have final say. However, like everything else in a negotiation, don’t try to use this reason unless you have a boss whom you have to check with from time to time. Admitting early in the negotiation that you don’t have final authority is often beneficial. Make it clear that someone above you must approve the decision. That way, the other party won’t get angry with you. Working this information into the beginning of your negotiating formalizes the pause button and sets the tone for a thoughtful, considered negotiation.

The pause button in High and Low

High and Low is a film based on the novel King’s Ransom by American novelist Ed McBain. It’s a movie about kidnapping and a mis-assessed situation. See how this subject matter is handled in the hands of one of cinema’s greatest directors, Akira Kurosawa.
This classic movie features one of the great actors of our day, Toshiro Mifune. He plays a wealthy businessman who must work through his moral, ethical, and financial dilemma when his chauffeur’s son is mistakenly kidnapped instead of his own. What a negotiation! And even though the film is subtitled, you will have no trouble following the story.
Notice, first, how the professional negotiator —the senior law enforcement official — begins the process by pushing the pause button. Everybody has to settle down and wait. Next, they gather more information about the boy who was kidnapped and information about the demands. When the phone rings, the professional negotiator dons a pair of earphones and listens. The detectives record the message so they can listen to it again and again. This way, clear communications are ensured. The kidnapper is very bright. He never stays on the line long enough to be traced, and he knows Japanese law, which he cites during the conversation.
One of the detectives calls him the “smartest crook I ever saw.” But they still don’t know much about him and don’t seem to be trying very hard to gather information about him. You quickly note that this lack of preparation —which leads the police to speculate about the kidnapper and his motives — hurts the negotiation because the detectives are acting on hunches that turn out to be wrong. It makes you want to throw your Negotiating For Dummies book at the screen.
You think the movie is going to focus on the hostage situation. Instead, the plot turns to the negotiation between the wealthy industrialist and everyone else in his life as he decides whether to pay the ransom. The movie goes on from there, picking up speed each time one phase of the story ends and a new one begins.

Defining the Pause Button

Pushing your pause button is the best way to keep some emotional distance during high-stress situations — at home, at work, anywhere you need a little space. I teach this method in my negotiation courses to explain the concept that waiting is good — that doing nothing is sometimes the right action. I tell students, “If you’re getting stressed out, don’t just do something . . . sit there.”
Pushing the pause button just means putting the negotiations on hold for a moment or an hour or an evening while you sort things out. Everyone owns a pause button, so to speak, and everyone pushes it in a different way. When you push the pause button, you freeze-frame the negotiation — much as you freeze-frame a movie on the television screen with your remote control or on your computer. You step away, physically or psychologically, to review the work you have done up to that point and check over your plan for the rest of the negotiation. You take a break. It may be purely mental; it may be imperceptible to the other side; but you give yourself whatever time it takes to review matters before you continue. This focused review is a separate activity from the other basic elements of negotiation. It gives you an opportunity to regroup, catch your breath, and be sure that you aren’t missing anything. The pause button gives you that little bit of emotional distance that allows you to make the decisions you want to make in your business and your life.
Pushing the pause button gives you the opportunity to review the entire process of negotiating and to make sure that you aren’t overlooking anything. It allows you to avoid getting boxed into a corner. By pushing the pause button, you keep your emotions from ruling (and ruining) the negotiation. Knowing how to use your pause button is so important that I include a pause button on the Cheat Sheet at the beginning of this book. Tear out this pause button and carry it with you until you develop one of your own. Whenever negotiations get heated, having this card with you should serve as a reminder to press your internal pause button. (The back of this card lists the basic skills of negotiation. After you press pause is a good time to review these skills as they relate to the negotiation at hand.) I am told that senior executives across the country have taped this little card to their computer screens.