Wake yourself up

If you are truly interested in what the other party is saying, look the part. Keep your eyes focused. Acknowledge the other party’s words with a nod.
However, if you feel yourself getting drowsy, don’t give in. Sit up straighter. Stand up. Get the blood flowing in whatever way works for you. Don’t think that you can effectively hide flagging interest without changing your physical position. If you are tired, it will show. And if boredom sets in, don’t expect a lively conversation and don’t expect a good negotiation. In your very next conversation, just for the fun of it, assume the most attentive position you can. Observe how this change in behavior improves your listening skills. Follow these tips for enhancing your next conversation:

• Uncross your arms and legs.
• Sit straight in the chair.
• Face the speaker full on.
• Lean forward.
• Make as much eye contact as you can.

Count to three

One. Two. Three. Here’s an extraordinarily simple device to help you listen more effectively. Just count to three before you speak. This slight delay enables you to absorb and understand the last statement before you respond. The delay also announces that you have given some thought to what you are about to say. It gives oomph to the words that will come out of your mouth.

As you practice this skill over time, counting may not be necessary, but the pause always pays off. You absorb the message, and you give the other party one last chance to modify the statement or question. Even if your response is simply that you must consult with your client, spouse, or boss, pausing for three beats helps you better comprehend and remember what the other person said.

Take notes during listening session

Taking notes is a great listening aid. Regardless of whether you ever refer to your notes again, the mere act of writing down the salient points boosts the entire listening process. Writing information down engages other parts of your brain, as well as your eyes and fingers, in the listening process. It’s almost impossible for a person to fully absorb an entire conversation of any length without making some written notes.

Making notes is important throughout every step of the negotiating process. Immediately after a negotiating session, review your notes to be sure that you wrote down everything you may want to recall, and that you can read everything you wrote down. Remember from your student days how confusing old notes can be: strange abbreviations, unintelligible squiggles, large coffee stains. When you are comfortable with your notes, consider providing a status report to the other side. A confirming memo is an excellent way to assure that you listened well. Writing down what you think you heard and verifying the material with the other side are positive experiences for both parties. However, if your counterpart believes that you recorded the conversation incorrectly, he or she may get angry and reject your version. You still win in such a case. Your memo serves an excellent purpose if the response reveals that you and your counterpart have conflicting views of the proceedings. Immediately thank the other party. Point out that you wrote the memo to be sure that you listened well and interpreted the discussion accurately.

You may not have listened carefully, but it’s just as likely that the other party is correcting a sloppy communication to you. People often change or refine their positions after they see them in black and white. Let that modification happen gracefully. When the other party provides a new version of the negotiation, simply change your notes. Don’t argue about the past conversation. Fighting over who said what seldom furthers the negotiations; identifying the opposing party’s position does. Remember: You write it out to get it right. In family meetings, recording negotiations and agreements is often just as important as it is in business meetings. Make a habit of writing down house rules of conduct for young children and chores for older children. I even know some couples who write out agreements between spouses or loved ones. That way, everyone is clear on the expectations. Your life is easier, and behavior is more consistent.

Clear away the clutter

To be a good listener, you have to clear out the clutter. This isn’t just a question of good manners, it’s an absolute necessity if you want to focus on the person speaking to you. Noise clutter, desk clutter, and even mind clutter all interfere with good listening. It also keeps others from listening to you. Watch Mike Judge’s satire Office Space for a lesson on clearing away the clutter. The film, released during the dot.com bust, is about an ordinary guy, Peter Gibbons, who works for a large, high-tech company called Initech. The lesson on clutter comes from Milton, Peter’s co-worker who is on the verge of being laid off. Milton is a frumpy curmudgeon who hides in his cubicle behind stacks of files. Nobody talks to Milton. He mumbles throughout most of the film, and the annoying office manager ultimately banishes Milton to a cockroach-infested storage room. Most of us aren’t Milton, but the eccentric character teaches us that clearing away the clutter makes life easier. Stacks of files, trinkets on your desk, or a red stapler will only distract others when speaking to you. Clutter gives an initial impression of disorganization. Disorganization leads to mistrust from the other party because it sends the message that if your desk is disorganized, so is your way of being.

Our law firm used to have an attorney whose office was such a mess that I quit giving him work. I would go into his office with something that needed to get done, see the mess, and leave without ever mentioning the task. We developed a wonderful friendship, but I took the work down the hall to another attorney who always completed the task on time and without me worrying one bit that it would be lost in a big pile on his desk. The lawyer who did the work had a desk that was immaculate. He listened carefully to my instructions and never, ever missed a deadline. He was so busy that he eventually left us to go out on his own where he is doing very well. Think about the worst listener you’ve encountered in your life. If you have a teenager, you probably don’t have to look far. Consider the all-too-typical teen’s life: an MP3 player plugged into both ears, television set blaring, books and clothes strewn everywhere. No wonder your teenager can’t hear you. Your words may temporarily penetrate the chaos, but the full content of your message doesn’t get through. It can’t get through all the clutter. Why not learn from your teenager’s mistakes?

• When you talk to someone, don’t just mute the television set, turn it off. _ If you have something else on your mind, write it down before you enter a conversation. With a note as a reminder, you won’t worry about forgetting to address the issue — and your mind is free to concentrate on the conversation.
• Clear your desk — or whatever is between you and the speaker — so you can focus on what the speaker is saying.
• Don’t accept phone calls while you’re talking with someone else. Interrupting a conversation to take a telephone call makes the person in the room with you feel unimportant and makes what you have to say seem unimportant.

When a co-worker comes to your office, don’t feel that you need to engage in a discussion right away. If you know that you need to finish a task, you may be better off delaying the conversation. Otherwise, the unfinished task will play gently on your mind and distract you from listening effectively. If the project you’re engaged in will only take a moment to complete, try saying, “Just a minute, let me finish this so I can give you my full attention.” If it’s going to take a while, ask to schedule a meeting for later that day. You may be afraid that the other person will be insulted if you put him or her off. In fact, the vast majority of people are flattered that you actually want to listen. Your co-workers would rather wait until you can listen than have you tending to other business while they’re trying to talk to you. The same rule holds true for phone conversations. Never try to negotiate on the telephone while you’re reading a note from your assistant, catching up on filing, or doing research on the Internet. Trying to do two tasks at once simply doesn’t work. True, your ears can be engaged in listening while your eyes are occupied with something else. However, your brain cannot simultaneously process the conflicting information from your eyes and from your ears. Both messages lose out.

I know a lot of people who like to brag about their ability to multitask, and they’re probably safe to do so, if the tasks are not very important or accuracy is not critical. But if it’s anything important, don’t multitask. Don’t ever try to con yourself into believing that you can listen effectively while you’re doing something else that requires the least little bit of brainpower. To be a better listener, clear the clutter away — from your ears, your desk, and your mind. Nothing gets in the way like stuff. Get rid of it.