What Being Clear Means

In many ways, clear communication is the other side of effective listening. Just as you cannot listen too well, there is no such thing as being too clear. You can be too blunt, too fast, and too slow. You can’t be too clear. Being clear does not mean that you reveal your position at the earliest opportunity or that you lay out your limits as an opening salvo. Being clear simply means that when you speak, write, or otherwise communicate, your listener understands your intended message. Sounds simple enough. Why aren’t more people successful at it?
If you have any doubt about what being clear means, watch Patton, the wonderful biopic starring George C. Scott as Gen. George Patton. The opening scene is an unforgettable example of clarity. He is exhorting the troops to battle. In fact, he is whipping them up with an unforgettable call to duty. It’s not just the words — as clear as they are. Scott reinforces his words with his tone, his stance, and the huge American flag behind him. Everything in the scene is consistent with his message. It couldn’t be clearer. Although General Patton’s personality often got in his way, he was never accused of not being clear. The reason more people are not good communicators is that most people communicate from this point of view: What do I want to tell my listener? How am I going to appear? What are they going to think of me? Not effective. Your point of view must be from the listener’s side of the communication. Ask yourself these questions: What does my listener need to know? What information does my listener need to make a decision? What is my listener’s knowledge of the subject? First, you must be clear with yourself about what information you’re trying to get across. Then you must know who the listener is, what filters are in place, and how to get through those filters so you can be understood.

Pre-buyer’s remorse

If you experience buyer’s remorse before you even buy, stop everything. Ask yourself why you have reservations. What is the reason you don’t want to buy this boat? Is it that you’ll never use it? Or that you may move soon? Or perhaps because it’s not as big as your neighbor’s boat? Sometimes, you can resolve these reservations; other times, you can’t. Don’t go forward with a deal if your inner voice tells you not to.
Try to develop your ability to listen to your inner voice. It is the most important voice you can possibly hear. No one knows you better than you do. People who learn to hear their inner voice — unfiltered by reason or rationale — are always happier with their decisions (and thus less likely to experience buyer’s remorse) than those who are not able to do so.

Questionable deals

If your inner voice tells you that you don’t want to make a deal, stop the negotiation. Relax. Examine that message. Either your subconscious will send you a more detailed message, or your conscious mind will work it out logically. Heed any strong messages that a given course of action is wise or unwise. Mold your conduct to that message. You don’t have to stand up in the middle of a meeting and announce to the assembly that your inner voice is telling you that the discussions are over. In fact, you may decide to keep the source of your decision to yourself. You should heed the message and begin to concentrate on closing the discussion. Wrap up the deal. Use the message without necessarily announcing it to the room.

Shady characters

Although hardly anyone states it so bluntly, one thing you want to know about the other party in a negotiation is whether you can trust the information that person gives you. What is this person’s reputation for honesty and accuracy? If you are trying to negotiate efficiently, you must find out the general trustworthiness of the assertions from the other side.
Sometimes you hear that someone is not dishonest, just ignorant, inefficient, or inexperienced. These qualities may sound better than dishonesty, but they have the same consequence to you. As a negotiator, you can’t afford to blindly accept anything that such a person says to you.
A different but highly related issue is whether you can trust the client represented by the person with whom you are negotiating. Even if you trust the negotiator, you may feel that you need to be extra-careful in dealing with the party on the other side of the negotiating table.
The best advice I can offer is not to do business with a person you don’t trust. No lawyer in the world can protect you from someone determined to do you in, cheat you, or steal from you. No cop or security system in the world can protect your house from a sufficiently determined thief. President Kennedy once prophetically observed, “There is no Secret Service agent who can guarantee a president’s life, if someone is willing to give their own life in exchange.”
Sometimes you are forced to do business with someone you don’t trust. In such a case, be sure to focus on the parts of the contract that will protect you if something goes wrong. Decide where a lawsuit would be filed and in which courts. Your lawyer can be a big help here. Make provisions for when and how you can check the books for accuracy. In such a case, you must prepare a much more detailed contract than you normally would. Having clauses that protect you is always important in case you come to honest differences that you did not anticipate. Such clauses are the special province of an experienced attorney. For example, if someone is to pay you money under a contract, you want a fast and certain way to collect in case of default. The negotiator who does not consider this aspect of the deal is not doing a good job. Negotiating for big payments is futile if the payments are, as a practical matter, uncollectible. You may want to insist that all funds under negotiation be held in a special account until the contract is finalized. If you want to include clauses to protect yourself but can’t get the other party to agree, you must decide whether you want to do business with this person. Listen carefully to why the other party is not willing to provide certain mechanisms that put your mind at ease about payment. If that person insists on maintaining an unfair out, think twice before entering into the agreement. Be clear in expressing the importance of these provisions and why you must have them.
If everything else seems good about a deal, walking away based on these points can be difficult. The other side knows that and will often turn the issue into a trust test: “If you trust me, you’ll make this deal with me.” Look such a person right in the eye and say, “I trust you well enough to enter this deal. But I don’t know what good or bad fortune is going to visit you over the next year while I need steady payments. You may quit the company (or sell your business). You may get killed. I just don’t know what the future holds.”

Hearing two voices? You’re not crazy

Be assured that you don’t have two different inner voices inside you. You only have one of these phenomenal subconscious centers. When people talk about conflicting voices within themselves, they are frequently experiencing their conscious mind testing the solution provided by the subconscious mind. Almost without exception, the solution provided by the subconscious part of the mind survives this testing, but the solution provided by the conscious part of the mind is easier to rationalize and explain. The conscious thought process can be reduced to words. Much of the “testing” of what is provided by your subconscious is your memory of voices from your childhood, mostly from your mother or father. Your inner voice tells you to go forth. A parental voice, indelibly etched in your memory, says, “Don’t do that. That is dangerous. You will fail.” As adults, we need to recognize the play of memory messages. If you are hearing those old parental warnings, look skyward and say, “It’s okay. I can do it. And if I fail, that’s okay, too. I need to try — for me.”
If the owner of that parental voice is still alive, look skyward anyway. Don’t act out this conversation with the real person. The last thing you need is a protracted discussion with a dubious critic at just the time you need to gather up your courage and embark on a new adventure. Inner critics aren’t all bad. Having an inner critic is good when you need that kind of feedback. Decide between your inner voice and your inner critic and do what is right for you.

Your Brain and Negotiation

No, this isn’t a biology textbook, but by understanding how your mind works, you can manage your thoughts and become a better negotiator. Research on brain theory helps explain why some people are good managers but weak leaders. Research indicates that the brain is divided into two halves: the left and right half. These are called hemispheres. Each hemisphere serves a different function, processes different kinds of information, and deals with different kinds of problems. The left hemisphere works with logic and analysis; the right works with emotions and imagination. The next time you enter into a negotiation, remember the two most important aspects of the brain when it comes to persuading another person: Your brain stores information in your memory, and it processes this information to make decisions and solve problems. How you process information determines what type of decision maker you are.
People can be tested to determine how they process information. Based on their test results, they can be categorized into different types of decision makers.

Prepare for the bluff

Most adults have the art of “faking it” pretty well perfected. People are prone to hide their real feelings in a business setting. Negotiators may display all the signs of accepting a deal, although their true reaction is quite the opposite. When you think the other side is accepting your proposal, try to close the deal. That provides a good check on your reading of the other party’s body language. If you can’t close, what you observed was something other than acceptance. Don’t be fooled the next time you see the same reaction from that person — and keep trying to close. Smiles are almost always an expression of happiness. However, society sometimes requires a smile when the soul is not happy. The mouth drawn tightly and obligingly back reveals a devotion to duty more than merriment. And a half-smile (one corner of the mouth crooked upward) reveals a wry feeling of superiority — like the smile on the face of the bad guy just before he shoots the good guy in an old Western.
Most of the differences between the body language you see and the intended spirit of the communication are accidental. These differences are generally not the result of a sinister plot. The impact on you will be the same if you are misled. This chapter helps keep you from being misled by body language that is different from the message of the spoken word. When you make such an observation, don’t assume that the other person is intentionally trying to mislead you.

Don’t Believe Everything You See

Body language augments rather than replaces the spoken word. The meanings of certain actions or gestures can vary depending on the circumstances and the individual. Consider these examples:
Sitting erect may indicate a stiff bargaining position, or it may indicate a stiff back. Stay alert to the body language, but combine your observations with the spoken words to determine the correct meaning.
Gestures of anger are used when a person is genuinely angry; however, these actions can also be employed for effect. Some executives (especially in the entertainment industry) are notorious for using such gestures. But keep in mind that some people are just blustery by nature. Evaluate body language cautiously, just as you do all the other information that comes to you during a negotiation.

Different strokes for different folks
No matter how much you know about body language in general, don’t grow overconfident when applying your knowledge to a specific person — especially someone you don’t know very well. Each individual has unique body language. A child can tell when a parent is really angry, even if the body language that parent uses to indicate serious trouble is the opposite of what the general public uses. For example, although silence usually indicates that a person is calm, some parents clam up when they’re angry. In such families, the children soon learn that silence means real trouble is looming.

Consider the context
As you become more sensitive to body language, you become more conscious of the differences in the meanings of gestures. A clenched fist usually represents anger. Held firmly above the head, it can be a symbol of quiet rage. Pumped up and down, especially if the person is also jumping and squealing, a clenched fist can be an expression of extreme joy.

Wearing your confidence on your sleeve

During a negotiation, projecting confidence is important. A lack of selfconfidence can result in nervousness. If your body language reveals that you are nervous, your counterpart may deem that you’re not secure enough to maintain a strong position in the negotiation. This person may be less inclined to compromise on the terms in an effort to reach an agreement. In addition to making sure that your body language expresses self-assurance, you can also benefit from being able to gauge your counterpart’s confidence level. This awareness of the other party’s strength as a negotiator can help you determine your own goals, limits, opening offers, and attempts to close the deal. Watching body language is the key to assessing your counterpart’s degree of comfort during the negotiation.
Just like children, adults who get nervous tend to fidget in their chairs (although this behavior can also indicate boredom or preoccupation with other matters). Nervous fidgeting can also include putting hands into the mouth, tugging at clothing, jingling change, fiddling with items in a purse, or fondling any personal object. When people are nervous, they often increase their distance from those they are negotiating with. Nervous people frequently verbalize their condition without using words through throat clearing, oral pauses, or guttural sounds. Confident people may place their hands in a steeple position (touching the fingertips of both hands together to form what looks like a church steeple). Sitting up straight and using frequent eye contact also shows confidence. Someone who is confident physically sits on a level slightly higher than anybody else. Propping your feet up is not just an expression of confidence, but an act of claiming territory. If you can put your feet on something, you own it.

Ferreting out boredom

One of the most important body language messages to look for during any conversation, but especially in a negotiation, is an indication of boredom. Looking out the window, holding the head up with one hand, doodling in a way that seems to absorb the doodler’s complete attention, drumming fingers on the table — all these indicate that the listener is no longer paying attention. What should you do if you notice that the other party in your negotiation is showing signs of boredom? People who are losing interest may be shifting in their seats, fidgeting, or pointing their feet toward the exit. Don’t start speaking louder or faster, as you may be tempted to do. Instead, say, “Wait. I need a reality check. I’m sensing that I’m losing you. What’s happening?” And then listen. You may find out what’s really keeping this person or group from accepting your idea. Doing a reality check can save a great deal of time and win you respect as a person who is perceptive and willing to risk hearing the truth. This fact alone makes huge points in your favor during any negotiation.

Seeing a change of heart

Observing how someone is sitting or standing is only the first step in reading body language — after all, people aren’t frozen in time like statues. They move; their positions and gestures change with their attitudes and emotions. Notice these shifts. They are important. They may mean that the person is getting restless, or they may mean a shift
up or down in the person’s acceptance level.
As someone’s acceptance of your ideas grows, you may notice the following indicators:

• Cocking the head
• Squinting the eyes slightly
• Uncrossing the legs
• Leaning forward
• Scooting to the edge of the chair
• Increasing eye contact
• Touching the forehead or chin, as in the statue The Thinker
• Touching you (if the movement is to reassure, and not to interrupt) Just as you can gauge increasing acceptance to your ideas by watching body language, you can also notice signs of increasing resistance to your ideas. For example, if someone clutches the back of his neck with his palm, you can interpret this gesture quite literally as, “This message is a pain in the neck.”

Here are some other gestures of resistance:

• Fidgeting nervously (cannot accept what is being said)
• Reducing eye contact (cannot accept what is being said)
• Placing hands behind one’s back (indicates an attempt to stay in control of one’s own self — resisting the urge to act out verbally or physically)
• Placing a hand over one’s mouth (may indicate an attempt to hold back a negative comment)
• Locking ankles
• Gripping one’s arm or wrist
• Crossing the arms in front of the chest
• Squinting one’s eyes dramatically
• Making fistlike gestures
• Twisting the feet or the entire body so they point to the door

Showing that you’re receptive

If you pay attention to body language early in a negotiation, you can spot signals of how receptive (that is, how ready to listen and how open to your ideas) your counterpart is. Consider eye contact, for example. Research shows that, during conversation, people look at each other between 30 and 60 percent of the time. A listener who meets your eyes less than 30 percent of the time is probably unreceptive. If eye contact is made more than 60 percent of the time, chances are the listener’s attitude is positive.
Receptive people look relaxed with open hands, displaying the palms, indicating an openness to discussion. The more of the palm that is visible, the greater the receptivity of the person. They lean forward, whether they are sitting or standing. Receptive negotiators unbutton their coats. Public television’s Mr. Rogers always removed his sweater, exemplifying the body language of an open, honest person ready to listen to what you have to say.
By contrast, people who aren’t willing to listen may keep their hands on their hips, lean back in the chair, or protectively fold their arms across their chest. People who aren’t receptive clench their hands into a fist or tightly grip some other body part. Having one leg up on the arm of the chair often appears to be an open posture, but watch out, this position may signal a lack of consideration, especially if the office doesn’t belong to the person demonstrating this behavior.
Studies show that parties are more likely to reach an agreement if they begin a negotiation displaying receptive body language. This result appears to be true whether the stance was an unconscious decision or a contrived strategy for beginning a meeting in a positive manner. In addition, the defensive postures are also contagious. If one person assumes a defensive posture and holds that position for any period of time, you can actually watch others in the room adopting the same position. It’s amazing but true. Body language is contagious.

Making the first contact

One of the best ways you can begin a meeting is with great body language. Let your enthusiasm and energy show. Stick out your hand. Meet the other person’s eyes and give a good, firm handshake. If you don’t own a good handshake, develop one now. This skill is not difficult, but many people don’t shake hands well. Let the flesh between your thumb and forefinger meet the other person’s flesh between the thumb and forefinger. Press — do not squeeze —the hand. One pump accompanied by eye contact is plenty. One or two more may express great enthusiasm; any more than that can make the person uncomfortable.
Today, the landscape for making the first contact has broadened. For instance, women greeting women in America can touch both hands at the same time as an alternative to a handshake. A hug, even in a business meeting, is appropriate if the relationship between two people warrants this familiarity. Increasingly (especially in Hollywood), hugs between men and women, or two men or two women who know each other, are common. A classic male show of power is to shake hands in the normal fashion and reach with the left hand to also grip the man’s elbow. Watch old tapes of President Clinton who routinely used this two-handed greeting when he was president. However, as you begin taking more careful note of body language and how people relate to each other, you will notice that the space between two people still reveals a lot about the relationship. As you can see in Figure 9-1, friends may stand a foot apart, but you would not stand that close to someone you were being introduced to for the very first time.

Knowing where to stand

One of the most important observations you can make about a room full of people is the personal space each person commands. During conversation, for example, people don’t lean closely into the space of an important person they think has greater standing than they do (either in wealth, influence, power, or social status). In a study of personal space, rooms of unsuspecting subjects were photographed and later identified. Without fail, the more powerful people are accorded greater personal space by the other people in the room.
Spatial relationships come into play when you set up a room for a meeting. Almost intuitively, people know that an important negotiation warrants a table large enough to keep a formal distance between people. If someone must dominate a meeting, that person is seated at the head of the table. Control over the dominant chair may be the most obvious and enduring sign of power both in the workplace and at home. Seating in a meeting is important, because once the spatial relationships are established, they are not easy to change. Take a moment before your next meeting and think about what relationship you want to establish with the other attendees. Arrange the seating accordingly. Watch the Coen brothers’ comedy The Hudsucker Proxy for one of the more blatant examples of power defined by the seating position during a meeting. The film is about a mailroom clerk, played by Tim Robbins, who finds himself thrust into the presidency of Hudsucker Corp., run by a brazen Paul Newman. In the boardroom scenes, Newman’s character stands at the foot of a very long and glistening conference room table, his position of control never in doubt.

Using Your Knowledge of Body Language in Your Next Negotiation

From the moment you walk into a negotiation, you should observe the body language of everybody in the room. During the negotiation, keep observing your opponent’s body language. Focus on the four channels: face and head, arms and hands, legs and feet, and torso (see the “Everybody’s Bilingual” section, earlier in this chapter). When you are so focused on the total person who is talking to you, you will listen better. Your observations of body language will help you pick up unstated nuances such as what items are more important, and what items are less important to the other side. Complete shifts in body language during a negotiation can be more telling than isolated signals. These shifts reveal that an issue is vitally important or is causing stress to the other party. For most of the negotiation, your counterpart will stay in the same general position. Notice any shifts from that position. These movements may very well indicate that the person you are dealing with has changed in attitude in some way. Being aware of this body language can be particularly important if the other party _ Feels that you are talking about a sensitive issue.

• Is losing interest.
• Needs a break or a stretch.
• Is turning off to your arguments.

Watch that body language! It can be like a traffic signal. The shifts in body language can be yellow caution lights telling you to proceed slowly, look, and listen. In the extreme, they are red lights telling you to stop! Stop now! Don’t go further without taking a break. They can also be green lights telling you to go in for the close.
Don’t ignore nonverbal signals. You may even want to include your observations in your written notes just as you include spoken words. This record helps build familiarity with the other person’s unspoken vocabulary. Everybody uses body language differently.

Emphasizing with body language

Pound the table. Wave your arms. Jump up and down. These are a few of the classic ways you can use your body to emphasize communication. It’s the equivalent of scrawling something in all caps and red letters. However, save these demonstrations until you need them.
If you use loudness throughout a negotiation, the added volume carries no special meaning when you really need it. You just seem bellicose. The late, great Johnny Carson used to refer to his lawyer as Bombastic Bushkin. The tag fit, and it stuck. Soon, no one around this particular lawyer paid much attention to the bombasity.
I once went into a print shop with a rush project. The owner slapped a big red sticker on the order. It felt good. He threw my project on a stack of work. Everything in the stack had the same red sticker. My heart sank. The red sticker lost all its meaning. Raising your voice too often has the same result. The key to emphasis is a change from the norm. Body language always involves a cluster of movements. It should naturally be tied into voice levels, tempo, and loudness. Sometimes, you can create extra emphasis by exhibiting body language that runs counter to the communication. For example, you may lean forward and quietly, slowly say that you are very, very angry. Here the emphasis is created just as powerfully — maybe more so — than if you had been yelling at the top of your lungs. Surprises can occur in any negotiation. Generally speaking, however, you should know going into a negotiating session what will and won’t be important. Hold back your emphasis until you get to the stuff that is really important to you. This strategy is why a good negotiator lets the merely annoying issues slide by and saves the emphasis for the truly important points.

Blind spots in Body Language

If you get conflicting verbal and nonverbal messages from someone, but that person denies that a discrepancy exists, you are witnessing a blind spot —something you know about others that they themselves are not conscious of. Blind spots cause miscommunications and resentment. In a negotiation, if you suspect the other party has a blind spot, you need to take frequent reality checks. Check out your understanding with your counterpart’s body language. You may even begin with the statement, “I need a reality check.” Then go right into your reading: “I sense I have lost you,” or “I sense we should take a break.” If you take responsibility for your need, your counterpart is less likely to be defensive, and you are more likely to get truthful information. This way you may get at your opponent’s true feelings. Sometimes you even uncover some underlying interests. Most people have at least one blind spot: one area in which they don’t really know how their words or actions are affecting people. Blind spots are like bad breath — everyone knows except the person who has it. The best way to find your own blind spot is to invite feedback. If the blind spot belongs to another, you need to ask the person if he or she wants your feedback. If the response is no, believe it. You may need to find a higher-up to deal with the issue — someone the individual must listen to.

Positive words but negative body language

Many employees complain that their supervisors give mixed messages with body language. The words are positive, but the body language is negative. For example, your boss calls you in for a meeting. She says, “Good morning,” and begins to discuss your recent improvement in punctuality. However, her arms are crossed at the waist, and her head is angled away from you so that she’s looking at you sideways. You know that these are negative signals. If you have the guts, you may venture, “It looks to me like something may be bothering you.” Your boss may be forthright about her annoyance, or she may pound a fist on the table and deny her true feelings with a sharp reply, “What makes you think anything is bothering me?”

The nervous laugh

One of the most common examples of body language not matching the situation is the nervous laugh. A laugh that is not a reaction to anything humorous signals nervousness or discomfort. In fact, it’s a dead giveaway. If you hear a nervous laugh, let a few beats go by and then turn directly to the source of the laughter and encourage that person to verbalize his or her feelings. Depending on the situation, you may say: “Ben, how do you feel about the pricing structure?” or “Ben, how do you feel about adding Leslie to this team?” Often, the person won’t admit to having any concerns. You know better. Keep probing. You may have to return to the subject a few times, rephrasing your request until the truth comes out.

Interpreting conflicting messages

Reading the body language of another person is not a trick to gain advantage. It’s a tool to improve communication. People who are exhibiting incongruous body language are frequently unaware of the fact that their spoken words and their true feelings, as revealed by their body language, are not consistent. By drawing out those differences and reconciling them, you have done a great service for your side and for the person with whom you are negotiating. If you pick up an incongruity between what a person’s body is saying and what that person’s mouth is saying, you can assume that something is going on. You want to take a reality check and start asking the person questions about what he or she is thinking and feeling. It’s usually one of the following:

• The person is unaware of his or her effect on others.
• The person’s body language is expressing a hidden agenda.
• The person is too tired or is confused.

I remember sitting in a theater watching the film Basic Instinct for the first time. In the film, Michael Douglas plays a San Francisco cop who is fatally attracted to a key suspect in an ice-pick murder. The suspect is played by Sharon Stone, in a star-making performance. Audiences gasped during the now infamous interrogation scene. I gasped too. Watching the film again recently, I was reminded that the interrogation scene is a good example of how body language can cause conflicting messages. In the scene, Douglas and his fellow cops interrogate Stone. She twists and manipulates her words, shamelessly toying with the cops’ libidos. Instead of nailing his suspect, Douglas is entranced by his femme fatale and eventually falls for her scheming ways. Stone is calm and collected during the entire scene, using her body language in a risqué fashion to successfully manipulate the situation.