Look for Evidence of Listening

As you listen to the other party in a negotiation, be alert to the occasional indicators that the other person is not really listening to you. If the other person says something like “uh-huh” or “that’s interesting,” find out immediately whether this response is an expression of genuine interest, a way of postponing discussion, or — equally fatal to communication — a signal that he or she is fighting the dreaded doze monster. Those little demons that tug at the eyelids in the middle of the afternoon cause odd, nonspecific utterances to fall from the lips.
If you suspect the latter, ask a probing question or two to ferret out the truth. Asking, “‘Uh-huh’ yes you agree, or just ‘Uh-huh’ you heard me?” is a good way to flush out the noncommittal uh-huh.
When someone says “That’s interesting,” find out exactly what makes it interesting. Don’t be afraid to keep things lively. This approach is much better than having the conversation die right there at the negotiating table. If you decide that, indeed, your conversational partner is simply not listening, take a break. Often, a quick stretch or, in a more serious case of the afternoon slumps, a walk around the block helps revive everybody. If a distraction is causing the lagging interest in what you are saying, deal with it. Discuss the preoccupying problem or have the distracted party make that critical call.

Don’t allow too many pronouns

Beware the deadly pronoun: he, she, they, especially the infamous they and the power-gilded we. Pronouns can send you into a quagmire of misunderstanding. Every single day, it seems, I say to someone, “Too many pronouns.” During a negotiation, force your counterpart to use specific nouns and proper names. This preventive measure avoids a great deal of miscommunication.
With pronouns, you must guess which “they” or which “we” the speaker is talking about. Don’t guess. Just throw up your hands and say, with humor, “Too many pronouns.” I have never met anyone who begrudged me taking the time to clarify this issue. More often than not, the request is greeted with a chuckle. The potential for confusion is obvious, and everyone appreciates the effort to maintain clarity.

Don’t accept an assertion for the answer

A person who doesn’t want to answer your question may try instead to emphatically state something close to what you’re looking for. This technique is common when you’re asking for a commitment that the other party doesn’t want to make.
Sometimes, an assertion about the past is substituted for an answer about the future. For example, you ask whether a company plans to spend $50,000 on advertising in the next year. You receive an emphatic statement that the company has spent $50,000 each year for the past four years, that sales are rising, and that any company would be a fool to cut back now. Don’t settle for such assertions — push for an answer. Say something like “Does that mean that your company has made a final commitment to spend $50,000 for advertising this year?”
Because assertions are sometimes delivered with a great deal of energy or passion, you may feel awkward insisting on the answer to your question. Not persisting with the inquiry can be fatal to your interests.

Don’t tolerate the dodge

Politicians, as a group, seem specially trained to provide anything but an answer when asked a question. It’s almost as though there is some secret college for Congress members where they go to learn about the artful dodge. Just tune into the Sunday morning shows that feature our elected representatives. For example, if someone asks about the state of public education, the representative may launch into a dissertation about family values. It’s odd how many interviewers let elected officials get away with avoiding questions Sunday after Sunday. You don’t have to do that. Don’t accept the dodge when you ask a question. Recognize this tactic for what it is and repeat the question, this time insisting on a real answer or an exact time when you can expect an answer. When people say that they have to look into something and get back to you, about the only thing you can do (without making a rather obvious and frontal assault on their honesty) is wait. However, you can nail them down to a specific date and time that they will “get back to you.” If the question is important enough for the other side to delay (or not answer at all), the issue is important enough for you to press forward. Asking, “When can I expect an answer from you?” is a direct way of obtaining that information. Be sure to make a note of the reply.

How to ask open-ended questions?

Unlike simple yes-or-no questions, open-ended questions invite the respondent to talk — and enable you to get much more information. These are the types of questions to use when you want to find out a person’s opinion or gather some facts during the course of a negotiation. The more you get the other person to talk, the more information you learn. Yes-or-no questions limit choices and force a decision. These types of questions are called closed questions.
Here is a simple closed question requiring a yes-or-no answer:

“Do you like this car?”

An open-ended question, on the other hand, encourages the person to start talking:

“What do you like best about this car?”

Try some classic open-ended questions when you need to get information.
These questions invite the other party to open up and tell all:

“What happened next?’
“So how did that make you feel?”
“Tell me about that.”

Notice in the last example that you can ask a question in the declarative format (as a request rather than as a traditional question). That technique can be very useful if you’re dealing with a reluctant participant. People who won’t answer questions will sometimes respond to a direct order. Open-ended questions aren’t the only types of questions you can use to get people to talk. Here are some other types of questions to help get responses you need:

• Fact-finding questions: These questions are aimed at getting information on a particular subject. “Can you tell me the story about how you decided to bring this product to the market?”
• Follow-up questions: These questions are used to get more information or to elicit an opinion. “So after you do that, what would happen next?”
• Feedback questions: These questions are aimed at finding the difference that makes the difference. “May I say that back to you so I understand the difference between what you are proposing and what I was offering to do?”

Don’t assume anything

We all know that the word “assume” makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” When people make flagrant and obvious assumptions, they tend to make a joke about it. What most people don’t realize is how many times each day they make routine assumptions about the intention of the other speaker, without double-checking with that person.
Good listening requires that you don’t assume anything about the intention of the speaker. This rule is especially true in conversations with family, friends, and work associates. You learn how they use words and often know their verbal shorthand. This familiarity can lead you to presume that you understand a friend’s, family member’s, or co-worker’s point — without carefully considering what this person is actually saying to you. Be wary of jumping to conclusions about the speaker’s intent, especially with the important inner circle of people closest to you. Lawyers say, “Don’t assume facts not in evidence.” This legal principle covers a group of questions that are not allowed in a court of law. The most famous example of a question that assumes a fact is “When did you stop beating your wife?”
This question is actually a trap because the wording implies that you beat your wife in the past. This example demonstrates why such questions impede good communication. The question immediately puts someone on the defensive, and responding accurately is impossible if the underlying assumption is false. If the speaker’s purpose is to draw out the truth, these three questions are more objective:

• “Did you ever beat your wife?”
• (If yes) “Have you stopped beating your wife?”
• (If yes) “When did you stop beating your wife?” In business, leading questions are often viewed as improper. At a minimum, they are challenging, which often leads to hostility. Here is an example:

“Why does your company insist on overcharging on this item?”
Now break down this question so it doesn’t assume any facts not in evidence. Again, to get at the information objectively requires three questions. It also eliminates the hostility.

• “What does your company charge for this item?”
• “What do other companies charge for this item?”
• “Why do you think this discrepancy in pricing exists?”

Note that in this example you and the other person may have different pricing information. Breaking the question down into three parts offers an opportunity to clear up this difference without getting into an argument. At home, such questions often get viewed as accusations. Because of the emotional ties, such questions can be even more off-putting than they are at work. They can launch an argument pretty quickly. Consider this question that assumes a fact that the other party may not agree with:
“Why won’t you ever talk about it?”
This particular example shows how such a question seems to assume an unwillingness to communicate. In fact, the other party may want to talk about “it” but doesn’t have the skill-set or the emotional strength or the trust to talk about a particular subject. Try breaking this question down so it contains no assumptions. Guess what — it takes three questions again. As you read these questions, play them out in your mind trying to picture the reaction of someone you’re close with.

• “Would you be willing to talk about it sometime?”
• “What are the circumstances that would make it easy for you?”
• “How can I help create those circumstances?”

Avoid leading questions

To get the most telling answers and objective information, don’t ask leading questions. Leading questions contain the germ of the answer you seek. Here is a typical example of a leading question:

The other person: “I have only used that golf club a couple of times.”
You: “How did you like the great weight and balance on that club?”

Because your question contains a glowing editorial of the golf club, the other person will have a difficult time saying anything negative about it, even if that’s what he or she feels. A nonleading question, such as “How do you like it?” is neutral and more likely to elicit the truth. That’s what you want to hear. If the other person swallows his true opinion or simply fails to express it to you because of the way you asked the question, you are the loser. The other person hasn’t altered his feelings, he just hasn’t expressed them. You have lost an opportunity to influence him.
Here are some more examples of leading questions:

• “Don’t you think that such-and-such is true?”
• “Isn’t $10 the usual price of this item?”
• “Everyone agrees that this widget is best; don’t you?” If phrased in a nonleading way, these questions are more likely to extract accurate information or honest opinions.

Here are the same three questions reworded:

• “What do you think about such-and-such?”
• “What is the usual price of this item?”
• “Which widget do you think is best?”

Leading questions don’t help you improve your listening skills or get the highest quality information. As a sales tool, however, you may want to lead the person to purchase an item on terms favorable to you. When you’re closing a deal, the leading question may help lead the other person right to a close. In this section, we are looking at questions you ask to find out what the other party is thinking, not to affirm your own views or serve your own financial interests. In court, leading questions aren’t allowed. Witnesses are forced by the laws of evidence to give their own views, not to mimic what the lawyer wants. That’s because in court — as in this section — the focus is to find out what factual information the witness has to offer or what honest, independent opinion the witness has formed.

Asking Good Questions: A Real Power Tool

When you listen attentively, you make an incredible discovery. Sometimes, the person is not delivering the information you need. The chief tool of the good listener is a good question. Questions are marvelous tools for stimulating, drawing out, and guiding communication.
Asking a good question is a learned skill requiring years of training. The foundation of good question-asking is knowing what information you want to obtain. Here are seven handy guidelines for asking better questions — questions that are likely to get to the meat of things:
_ Plan your questions in advance. Prepare what you’re going to ask about but don’t memorize the exact wording, or you’ll sound artificial. A script is too restrictive to flow naturally into the conversation. However, it pays to outline your purpose and a sequence of related questions. If you plan ahead, you can follow the speaker’s train of thought and harvest much more information. Pretty soon, the speaker is comfortably divulging information. The question-and-answer format can act as an aid to good communication rather than a block.

• Ask with a purpose. Every question you ask should have one of two basic purposes: to get facts or to get opinions (see Table 8-1 for examples of each). Know which is your goal and go for it, but don’t confuse the two concepts.
• Tailor your question to your listener. Relate questions to the listener’s frame of reference and background. If the listener is a farmer, use farming examples. If the listener is your teenager, make references to school life, dating, or other areas that will hit home. Be sure to use words and phrases the listener understands. Don’t try to dazzle your 5-year-old with your vast vocabulary or slip computer jargon in on your technologically handicapped, unenlightened boss.
• Follow general questions with more specific ones. These specific inquiries, called follow-up questions, generally get you past the fluff and into more of the meat-and-potatoes information. This progression is also the way that most people think, so you are leading them down a natural path. Never doubt how effective the follow-up question can be. It’s so powerful that most presidents of the United States do not allow reporters to ask them. Pay attention during the next White House news conference. Usually, one reporter asks one question, and then the president calls on the next reporter to avoid a follow-up question from the first reporter. The follow-up question is the one that ferrets out the facts.
• Keep questions short and clear — cover only one subject. Again, this tip helps you shape your questioning technique to the way the mind really works. People have to process your question. This is no time to show off. Ask simple questions. Questions are just a way to lead people into telling you what you want to know. If you really want to know two different things, ask two different questions. You’re the one who wants the information; you’re the one who should do the work. Crafting short questions takes more energy, but the effort is worth it. Pretty soon, the other party is talking to you about the subject, and you can drop the questioning all together.
• Make transitions between their answers and your questions. Listen to the answer to your first question. Use something in the answer to frame your next question. Even if this takes you off the path for a while, it leads to rich rewards because of the comfort level it provides to the person you are questioning. This approach also sounds more conversational and therefore less threatening. This is one reason why I urge you to plan your questions, not to memorize them.
• Don’t interrupt; let the other person answer the question! You’re asking the questions to get answers, so it almost goes without saying that you need to stop talking and listen.

The film The Silence of the Lambs is an excellent example of each of the above elements of the question-and-answer dynamic. In one of the film’s pivotal scenes, FBI agent Clarice Starling questions the sinister Dr. Hannibal Lecter in his dungeon-like holding cell. She wants clues about a serial killer on the loose. Lecter offers to provide her with clues if she provides him with stories of her past. Watch how Starling quietly listens to Lecter’s questions and how she asks for the clues to help her find the killer. Both parties ask direct and tailored questions planned in advance. Watch the question-and-answer scenes in the film for a lesson not only in how to ask questions, but also in how to wait patiently for the answer.

How big’s your pocket?

I wish I could say that I always eliminated the confusions that occur when vague terms are used. The truth is that people think that they don’t have time to do so. Sometimes, you just want to get out of a conversational situation, and the last thing you want to do is prolong things by making absolutely sure that you have all the details correct. Other times, being specific just doesn’t seem that important. Rarely do any of these “reasons” outweigh the benefits of getting specific information.

I recently had a meeting with a wealthy investor. When we were finished discussing the subject of our meeting, he mentioned that he had given “pocket money” to one of my clients. I took that, quite literally, as a small amount of reimbursement for nonspecific expenses. I thought, “Oh, that’s nice” and said as much. In the South, we call that kind of money “walking around money.” Later, I learned that he had written a check for $100,000 and was annoyed and frustrated with my client at the way the money was being spent. He was also unhappy with me for not rectifying the situation after he had informed me about it. Needless to say, I was shocked to learn all of this from a trusted friend whom the investor and I had in common. Fortunately, we were able to remedy the problem right away.

If his comment had been the subject of the meeting, I would have sought clarification at the moment. As it was, I didn’t give the comment much thought, and his annoyance continued to simmer until I heard the complaint clearly two weeks later and was able to fix it. This story is a happy one because I learned the details fairly quickly. The situation could have smoldered and seriously damaged my client’s and (unfairly) my own relationship with that investor. And why? Lack of clarity. When my client explained carefully and completely how the money was being spent, the investor was not only satisfied, he advanced more money. Some of the best time you can spend in almost any situation is that extra moment it takes to make sure that everyone is communicating clearly.

Clarifying relativity

Requiring others to define relative words is just as important as asking them to explain specific pieces of jargon. Relative words are nonspecific, descriptive words that only have meaning in relation to something else. Here are some examples of relative words that can create a great deal of confusion:
_ Cheap
_ High quality
_ Large
_ Many
_ Soon
_ Substantial
Don’t be shy about asking for clarification when someone lays one of these words on you. If the person insists on using generalities, as some people do, press for a range. If you still don’t get a specific answer, supply two or three ranges and force the person to choose one.
Let’s say your new customer says, “We’re thinking of placing a big order with you.” That’s good news if you and your new customer both use the words “big order” the same way. But you need to ask for specifics. If your customer doesn’t answer with a number, you can say, “Do you mean more like ten, or maybe about a hundred, or would it be closer to a thousand?” Whatever the answer is, just say “thank you.” Don’t belabor the point that you wouldn’t call that a “big order.” You should make a note of the information, as well. These situations offer a great opportunity to find out more about the company that you’re dealing with. It’s a good time to ask questions about the normal size of the orders from this company, why it’s changing now, and other pieces of information that will help you service this client much better.

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Battling the jargon

Don’t be shy or embarrassed about asking someone to clarify a statement. Many people use jargon or shorthand when they talk, so you can’t always be sure of what they mean. For example, when I met with the head of marketing for the For Dummies book series, she started talking about the AMC. I teased her about the jargon that, to me, meant American Multi Cinema, a large chain of motion picture theaters. She quickly identified AMC as the advanced marketing chapter, which is sent to various buyers months before the entire book is ready for print. This situation was easy to handle because the brand manager was happy to clarify. I just needed to ask.

A slightly more difficult situation arises when you are both in the same industry, and the other person assumes that you know the meaning of words that he or she is using. You may feel embarrassed to ask for the meaning under that circumstance, because you think that you should know. You can handle this situation by saying, “Just to be sure that we are using our shorthand in the same way, tell me exactly how you define XYZ.” When the other person gives you his or her definition, use it. Here are three useful responses when the other party defines a term for you:

• “That’s great! We use that phrase the same way.”
• “Glad I asked; we use that phrase a little differently, but we can go with your definition.”
• “Thanks, I just learned something new.”

If you really think the other person is miles off the target and some real damage may be done if you use the word his or her way instead of your way, say: “We should define that term in the written agreement so others won’t get confused. You and I know what we are talking about, but we want to be sure that everyone else does, too.” Don’t get into a battle over definitions. There’s a third situation in which you may run into jargon. Some people, particularly doctors, lawyers, and accountants, use jargon to impress others with their knowledge, power, or position.

As often as not, they use this device on their own clients. Use the preceding techniques to get clear on the conversation, but if the problem is chronic, look for another professional to serve your needs.

Tickle It Out: The Art of Coaxing Out Information

Effective listening requires probing. No one says everything you want to hear in the exact order, depth, and detail that you prefer. You have to ask. No phrase describes the job of questioning better than tickle it out. Questions are a way of coaxing out information that you want or need. In a trial, the question-and-answer format rules the proceedings. Attorneys and the judge can talk to each other in declarative sentences, but all the testimony is presented in the somewhat artificial format of question-and-answer. In court, the purpose of every question should be to obtain specific information. If the question isn’t answered directly, it needs to be asked in another way. The rules in the courtroom are pretty specific; as a matter of etiquette, you should apply similar rules in a business meeting. For example, courtesy prohibits you from barraging the other side with rapid-fire questions; court rules prevent the same thing.

Developing the ability to ask good questions is a lifelong effort. If you have the opportunity to observe a trial, notice that the primary difference between the experienced attorney and the less-experienced attorney is the ability of the former to ask the right question at the right time. Almost without fail, the key question is not a bombastic, confrontational inquiry, but a simple, easy-to-understand question designed to extract specific information. An excellent example of tickling it out occurred in the O. J. Simpson murder trial during the questioning of police officer Mark Fuhrman. Lengthy, softspoken questions led up to the simple query, “In the last ten years, have you used the ‘n’ word?” “No,” the officer replied. “Are you sure?” the attorney asked. “Yes, sir,” Mark Fuhrman responded. There were no fireworks, no victory dances at that point, but the quiet exchange permanently altered the trial. Because Fuhrman’s statement wasn’t true, the defense was able to call witness after witness to impeach his testimony.

Eventually, the truth about Fuhrman’s behavior smashed against that statement so explosively that every other piece of evidence was damaged. Fuhrman and all his co-workers were hurt by those brief words so gently tickled out during questioning. About the only place you can regularly see trained people posing careful questions is on the cable channel Court TV. It makes documentary series related to courts and the law, and it airs real trials as they’re happening. Tune in to one of the televised trials where you can see the question-asking process in a carefully structured environment. You can learn a great deal about how to ask questions by watching these court proceedings. Watch and listen as the lawyers ask their questions. Obviously, various attorneys have different skill levels.

Some are better than others. Watching these men and women in action sensitizes you to the good and bad aspects of questioning. Okay, I know Columbo is a television show, but the entire series is available on DVD! The famous detective, performed so consistently by Peter Falk, perfectly demonstrates the key skill of a good negotiator: asking really good questions. You will find Columbo using every type of question and listening to the answer. No single source better demonstrates how to ask questions. You can learn much more from Columbo. Study the man. Let him be your mentor as he entertains you. He also has incredible integrity. He sets his goal and never wavers. His steely determination brings victory in the toughest of circumstances.