How to Really Garble Communication

Sometimes I can talk all day about how to improve communication and
people never get it. In the spirit of fun, here are some handy tongue-in-cheek
tips for people who strive to be bad communicators, to stay unclear, and to
keep creating quagmires and confusion in their lives.
Use these six little secrets to keep your life in chaos. Use them in business
and at home to keep things in turmoil. These are also handy ways to ensure a
high employee turnover.

Raise your voice
If you really don’t want to get your point across, just begin shouting or scolding.
Either response prevents any further intelligent discourse. This rule is
particularly important when a language barrier prevents someone from
understanding you. When someone doesn’t understand your language, just
talk louder. Loud communicates the same message to people all around the
world. Loud is disrespectful. Loud characterizes someone you don’t want to
do business with.

Leave out details
Details let the other person know exactly what you want or need. Leave the
message fuzzy if you want to continue having bad communication. Details
take time. You can shave valuable minutes off the average communication by
leaving out the details. After all, it only takes a few hours to clean up most
messes created by such an omission.

Don’t check to see if you were understood
This rule is very important for would-be bad communicators. If you spend
time checking to see whether you were understood, all the other efforts you
make to be a bad communicator can be thrown out the window. Don’t give
the other person a chance to say, “I didn’t understand xyz.” Otherwise, you’ll
have to clarify. If you want to be unclear, do your deed and skedaddle before
anybody can ask any questions.

Walk away and talk at the same time
Toss your request, instruction, or demand flippantly over your shoulder as
you are walking away from the person to whom you are speaking. Preferably,
avoid looking at the other person during conversation. This technique denies
virtually any possibility of being understood. And you haven’t wasted those
precious seconds required to face the person you are talking to and make eye
contact.

Assume that everyone understands you
If you are a bad communicator, you already know about the dangers of assuming
information, but we thought we would remind you anyway about the most
popular tool of the unclarity trade. Just send an old-fashion telegram when a
detailed letter is needed.

Don’t permit any objections or questions
Heck, don’t permit any response. The other person may be taking up your
time to understand the niggling information. Toss out whatever you have to
say and cut off the discussion. Anything further would just help clarify what
you are saying.

You’ll never work in this town again

This is a bully’s threat. Everyone has observed this bullying behavior. Once is enough. Threats never win the hearts and minds of the person you are attempting to persuade. In today’s litigious society, threats are not smart. “You’ll never work in this town again” used to be a stock phrase in the entertainment industry, uttered furiously by the tirading studio executive dealing with a recalcitrant actor or writer. An executive at Twentieth Century Fox once issued this threat to an actor who refused to accept a lesser credit than his contract guaranteed for work on a television series. The series ultimately failed, and, guess what? The actor was unemployed for several years. The actor sued Twentieth Century Fox, attributing his long period of unemployment to the studio’s threat. Who knows, he may have been out of work anyway, but given the threat, the jury sided with the actor and awarded an enormous judgment.
People in positions of power often get frustrated when someone of lesser status refuses what they view as a simple and reasonable request. Usually, the next step is a plea to “play ball.” Then some avuncular advice follows, such as “You know, you really would be better off helping us out of this one,” or “We’ll make it up to you on the next one.” When the person isn’t persuaded, the power player often pops a cork.
Good manners, common sense, and the growing body of employment law all favor the threatened person. Don’t resort to this tactic. You could lose the farm.

“Take it or leave it”

Even when you are making your final offer, presenting the deal as a “take it or leave it” proposition is a mistake. Even if the other side accepts the offer, the deal leaves them feeling bad about the decision. Unbelievably, we have heard of people putting such an unpleasant tag on an offer that was otherwise okay. This label makes the offer sound bad even if the terms are reasonable. If you hear this phrase, evaluate the offer on the merits, not on the way it was delivered. Especially if you are a professional negotiator, figure out if the offer is acceptable based on what you want out of the negotiation.

Don’t let a bad negotiating style confuse you. If you are negotiating for yourself, and you must continue working with your counterpart in this deal, you may want to consider whether you can maintain an ongoing relationship with a person who is bullying you with “take it or leave it” statements. If you are making a final offer, say so without using the antagonistic take-it-orleave-it phrase. If you are feeling frustrated and anticipating a refusal, push the pause button. When you are feeling that way, it is hard to calmly explain the reasons that this must be the final offer. You are likely to use this verboten phrase (“Take it or leave it”) or something similar. That approach hurts you in the long run because you look like a bully. And you don’t increase the chance of your proposal being accepted.

“I’m going to be honest with you”

So has this person been dishonest all along? This cliché is the cousin to the phrase, “I’m not going to lie to you.” It makes you wonder, “Oh? Would you lie to someone else?”
William Shakespeare’s great line delivered by Queen Gertrude in Hamlet is, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” Shakespeare knew a great deal about human nature. When people loudly declare their innocence, they almost always lose credibility. Gertrude says that the Player Queen affirms too insistently to be believed. So those who are always reassuring you about their honesty probably aren’t being very honest with you.

“Trust me”

This overused term is now the hallmark phrase in motion pictures for the producer who is not to be trusted. People who must say “trust me” are often the very people who don’t deserve to be trusted. When someone says “trust me” as a substitute for providing the specific details you requested, be very cautious. Ask again for a commitment. If the person balks, explain that it’s not a question of trust, but an acknowledgment of the fact that circumstances change. Explain that the agreement must be enforceable, even if the current negotiators are no longer accessible. You want an agreement so clear that you don’t have to trust the other person.

Phrases You Should Never Use during a Negotiation

Clear communication is as much about getting rid of bad habits as it is about acquiring any new skills. As you look over this section, ask yourself whether you do any of the things that interfere with communications. Getting rid of those habits will serve you better than any new skill. The truth is, being clear requires periodic checkups like an annual physical. Everyone needs to look at this aspect of home and office life from time to time. Bad habits creep into communications rather easily.
Certain phrases go “clunk” against the ear every time you hear them. Here are some phrases that have little place in life, let alone a negotiation. When you hear these phrases, a yellow caution light should start flashing in your head. These phrases often indicate a situation that needs to be addressed. And if you hear one or more of these utterances come out of your mouth, stop immediately. Laugh about the slip or apologize, but don’t assume that the listener doesn’t have the same set of yellow caution lights that you do. Maybe the listener doesn’t, but you can’t take that risk.