Interpreting conflicting messages

Reading the body language of another person is not a trick to gain advantage. It’s a tool to improve communication. People who are exhibiting incongruous body language are frequently unaware of the fact that their spoken words and their true feelings, as revealed by their body language, are not consistent. By drawing out those differences and reconciling them, you have done a great service for your side and for the person with whom you are negotiating. If you pick up an incongruity between what a person’s body is saying and what that person’s mouth is saying, you can assume that something is going on. You want to take a reality check and start asking the person questions about what he or she is thinking and feeling. It’s usually one of the following:

• The person is unaware of his or her effect on others.
• The person’s body language is expressing a hidden agenda.
• The person is too tired or is confused.

I remember sitting in a theater watching the film Basic Instinct for the first time. In the film, Michael Douglas plays a San Francisco cop who is fatally attracted to a key suspect in an ice-pick murder. The suspect is played by Sharon Stone, in a star-making performance. Audiences gasped during the now infamous interrogation scene. I gasped too. Watching the film again recently, I was reminded that the interrogation scene is a good example of how body language can cause conflicting messages. In the scene, Douglas and his fellow cops interrogate Stone. She twists and manipulates her words, shamelessly toying with the cops’ libidos. Instead of nailing his suspect, Douglas is entranced by his femme fatale and eventually falls for her scheming ways. Stone is calm and collected during the entire scene, using her body language in a risqué fashion to successfully manipulate the situation.

How to read someone else’s body language?

Being able to accurately read the true attitude and feelings of someone across the table can be enormously important. Seldom do you see adults physically clap their hands over their ears to avoid hearing something, but people have other ways of signaling that they aren’t listening, such as allowing their eyes to wander or attending to an unrelated task.

Disney released a wonderful film called Frank and Ollie about a couple of the world’s greatest observers of body language. Frank Thomas and Ollie Johnston were two of the original animators of such classics as Cinderella and Bambi. This film shows them mimicking various elements of body language to communicate feelings and then making sketches of their own movements. Watch this movie as a primer on body language; it illustrates the points of this chapter better than all the words ever written on the subject. The ability to read a person’s body language enables you to adjust your approach to that person. Based on what you learn about the other person’s mood or attitude, you can temper your own words and actions appropriately — for example, you can calm down someone who’s agitated or perk up someone who’s bored.

Discover how much fun you can have reading the body language of others. The more you practice this skill, the better you will be at negotiating. The next time you go to an event connected to your work, pause a moment at the door. Instead of looking for someone you know, look over the room. Identify the more influential people. Try to distinguish who wields power. Who are the employers? Who are the employees? What differences in body language make social status apparent? If you’re at a social gathering, see if you can spot very outgoing people. Who is shy? Are any of the couples fighting?

How to match your body language with your words?

Don’t mix and match when it comes to your body language and your spoken words. Even people who haven’t read this book draw meaning from your body language when you speak. People expect corresponding body language to accompany verbal messages. Inconsistent communications from you will throw your listener off, even if the person has never heard the phrase “body language.”
When you’re speaking, be sure that your body language matches your words, if you want your words to be believed. If you are enthusiastic about a project, show that enthusiasm in your body. Don’t recline relaxed on the sofa. The message of disinterest communicated by your body will be remembered far longer than the words of interest that come out of your mouth. Several reasons may explain why your body language may not match your words.

• You’re having an energy drain. When you’re tired, keeping your body properly expressive takes extra energy. Think about the potential positive outcome of your negotiation session. It may provide you with a boost of adrenaline, allowing you to get through the negotiation energized instead of drained. Feed the left side of your brain with positive thoughts and don’t lose a deal because your tired body says, “I don’t care one way or another.” You can always stand up or walk around. If you have to, step outside for a moment to reignite your energy.
• You’re not concentrating on the communication of the moment. As you read about body language, you will notice that many gestures, movements, and mannerisms indicate that a person is actually thinking about a matter other than the current topic of conversation. If you find your mind wandering, the other side will quickly see it in your face. Ask for a break so you can make a phone call and clear a concern out of your mind. When you’re in a negotiating session, be sure that you are in the session with your heart, mind, and soul. Your physical presence may be much less important than your mental presence. Athletes call it “being in the zone.”
• You have developed bad communication habits. Some classic comic sketches illustrate this point: The disgusted spouse utters a terse, “Fine” with lips clamped tight. This reaction lets a partner know that things are anything but fine. And then there is the smiling letch leaning in for the kill who says, “Why, I wouldn’t hurt a fly.” In both of these examples, the body language trumps the spoken word. The listener gets the nonverbal message much more clearly than the verbal message. If you have any mannerisms that project a different meaning from the words you are uttering, work on breaking the habit.

What Our Bodies Can Say

Verbal and written communications are not the only elements of communication in a negotiation — or in life. Good negotiators only get better when they draw meaning and insight from the way a person stands or sits, the way a person dresses, or the panoply of facial expressions that play out during a conversation. That’s why, in my negotiation seminars, I say, “Listen with your ears, your eyes, and every pore in between.”
Different nonverbal communications are associated with different attitudes. Becoming savvy to these relationships can put you at a great advantage. As a negotiator, you have two distinct tasks:

• Make sure that your body language expresses the message you want to send. Your body language needs to be consistent with your words.
• Read the nonverbal signals of the person with whom you are negotiating. You need to recognize when someone is sending conflicting words and actions, and when someone’s gestures add emphasis to the words. When you become a student of body language, you quickly realize that gestures come in packs. Rarely does anyone invoke one random gesture to the exclusion of all others. Rather, there is a symphony of sight and sound, all working together.

Charmers aren’t necessarily the best-looking people in the room; they are the ones who have a command of body language. When such a person focuses on you, you definitely know that the person is interested; the attention can almost make you blush. The person is employing dozens of nonverbal signals to convey his or her focus on you.

Making a career of reading body language

During court trials, most people focus on the lawyers, witnesses, defendants, and victims. In high-profile cases, however, attorneys often hire consultants who concentrate solely on the members of the jury. Working in the courtroom, jury consultants study the body language of the jurors and interpret their reactions to specific witnesses and pieces of evidence. Based on these skilled observations, the consultants try to determine which way the jury is leaning — which witnesses are winning favor and which evidence is most persuasive.
When you reenter the United States after a trip abroad, you usually have to fill out some forms declaring what items you are bringing into the country. You hand the form to an immigration official, who is trained to look at a traveler’s eyes when asking, “Do you have anything to declare?” What the eyes say is much more important than what the form says.

Remember to listen

Don’t forget that body language doesn’t replace other forms of communication. Body language is part of the big communication package everyone uses all the time. You should evaluate verbal and nonverbal messages within the greater context of the situation.
Next time you watch a feature film, pay particular attention to the actors when they aren’t speaking. What are they saying to you with their bodies? Consciously think about the message being communicated. The better the actors, the more they are able to communicate without words. Feature films can provide a wealth of education about body language, especially scenes without dialogue.

Silent signals from the rest of the body

The general rule for arms, hands, legs, and feet is that closed positions (crossed arms and legs) signal resistance, and open positions signal receptivity.
The torso position can be the hardest to read because posture and seating position are often a matter of individual habit. Moreover, people don’t always have the opportunity to observe each other’s full torso during a meeting. Nevertheless, the torso can be a valuable source of meaning to the experienced observer.
The next time you’re at an airport or shopping mall, watch callers talk on their cell phones. See if you can guess who is on the other end of the line, just by observing the callers’ body language. Notice the positions of their bodies. If a person is cradling the phone affectionately, with head cocked and body draped languidly, a romantic interest is probably on the other end. If the person is shifting from foot to foot and looking around, an uncomfortable personal call is probably taking place. If the caller is standing erect and staring down at some notes or looking straight ahead in concentration, the call is, most likely, business related.