“You’ll never work in this town again”

This is a bully’s threat. Everyone has observed this bullying behavior. Once is enough. Threats never win the hearts and minds of the person you are attempting to persuade. In today’s litigious society, threats are not smart. “You’ll never work in this town again” used to be a stock phrase in the entertainment industry, uttered furiously by the tirading studio executive dealing with a recalcitrant actor or writer. An executive at Twentieth Century Fox once issued this threat to an actor who refused to accept a lesser credit than his contract guaranteed for work on a television series. The series ultimately failed, and, guess what? The actor was unemployed for several years. The actor sued Twentieth Century Fox, attributing his long period of unemployment to the studio’s threat. Who knows, he may have been out of work anyway, but given the threat, the jury sided with the actor and awarded an enormous judgment.
People in positions of power often get frustrated when someone of lesser status refuses what they view as a simple and reasonable request. Usually, the next step is a plea to “play ball.” Then some avuncular advice follows, such as “You know, you really would be better off helping us out of this one,” or “We’ll make it up to you on the next one.” When the person isn’t persuaded, the power player often pops a cork.
Good manners, common sense, and the growing body of employment law all favor the threatened person. Don’t resort to this tactic. You could lose the farm.

“Take it or leave it”

Even when you are making your final offer, presenting the deal as a “take it or leave it” proposition is a mistake. Even if the other side accepts the offer, the deal leaves them feeling bad about the decision. Unbelievably, we have heard of people putting such an unpleasant tag on an offer that was otherwise okay. This label makes the offer sound bad even if the terms are reasonable. If you hear this phrase, evaluate the offer on the merits, not on the way it was delivered. Especially if you are a professional negotiator, figure out if the offer is acceptable based on what you want out of the negotiation. Don’t let a bad negotiating style confuse you. If you are negotiating for yourself, and you must continue working with your counterpart in this deal, you may want to consider whether you can maintain an ongoing relationship with a person who is bullying you with “take it or leave it” statements. If you are making a final offer, say so without using the antagonistic take-it-orleave-it phrase. If you are feeling frustrated and anticipating a refusal, push the pause button (see Chapter 12). When you are feeling that way, it is hard to calmly explain the reasons that this must be the final offer. You are likely to use this verboten phrase (“Take it or leave it”) or something similar. That approach hurts you in the long run because you look like a bully. And you don’t increase the chance of your proposal being accepted.

“I’m going to be honest with you”

So has this person been dishonest all along? This cliché is the cousin to the phrase, “I’m not going to lie to you.” It makes you wonder, “Oh? Would you lie to someone else?”
William Shakespeare’s great line delivered by Queen Gertrude in Hamlet is, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.” Shakespeare knew a great deal about human nature. When people loudly declare their innocence, they almost always lose credibility. Gertrude says that the Player Queen affirms too insistently to be believed. So those who are always reassuring you about their honesty probably aren’t being very honest with you.

Trust me

This overused term is now the hallmark phrase in motion pictures for the producer who is not to be trusted. People who must say “trust me” are often the very people who don’t deserve to be trusted. When someone says “trust me” as a substitute for providing the specific details you requested, be very cautious. Ask again for a commitment. If the person balks, explain that it’s not a question of trust, but an acknowledgment of the fact that circumstances change. Explain that the agreement must be enforceable, even if the current negotiators are no longer accessible. You want an agreement so clear that you don’t have to trust the other person.

Phrases You Should Never Use during a Negotiation

Clear communication is as much about getting rid of bad habits as it is about acquiring any new skills. As you look over this section, ask yourself whether you do any of the things that interfere with communications. Getting rid of those habits will serve you better than any new skill. The truth is, being clear requires periodic checkups like an annual physical. Everyone needs to look at this aspect of home and office life from time to time. Bad habits creep into communications rather easily.
Certain phrases go “clunk” against the ear every time you hear them. Here are some phrases that have little place in life, let alone a negotiation. When you hear these phrases, a yellow caution light should start flashing in your head. These phrases often indicate a situation that needs to be addressed. And if you hear one or more of these utterances come out of your mouth, stop immediately. Laugh about the slip or apologize, but don’t assume that the listener doesn’t have the same set of yellow caution lights that you do. Maybe the listener doesn’t, but you can’t take that risk.

Worst case: The deal closes

When a lack of clarity is a major factor in a negotiation, the biggest disasters occur when the deal closes and no one realizes that confusion remains. When written contracts are to follow, a lack of clarity is usually caught by the lawyers during the drafting stage, and the ambiguity can be worked out. In a less formal situation, the confusion generally isn’t discovered until much later. When that happens, both sides feel cheated and misled. People are rarely neutral about the cause of miscommunications. Blame is never far behind the discovery that the two parties failed to communicate well. Each party feels intentionally misled. The acrimony often permanently damages the relationship between the parties. The fallout often damages reputations, too. The truth of the matter is that the results of an intentional lie and a mere miscommunication are often about the same. Preventing an innocent miscommunication is well worth the extra energy expended.

The prices you pay without even knowing

Deals that don’t close are to be expected if you’re not clear during the negotiations. The harder item to assess is how the dynamic of the discussion changes when communications are not clear.
When you are not clear, the other party feels insecure. Rather than confront you on your lack of clarity, the person you’re negotiating with often just compensates in one of two ways:

• Reciprocal obfuscation: That term simply means that the other party starts to be unclear, too. (I love the irony of using a hard-to-understand phrase to describe things that are hard to understand.) The other party doesn’t know where you stand, because you are not being clear. So, they won’t feel comfortable making a clear commitment either. This situation substantially slows down a negotiation and may make productive communication almost impossible.
• Leaving lots of room to maneuver: If you are not clear, others won’t feel safe enough to tell you specifically what they want. Rather than commit to a position, your counterpart will leave lots of room to maneuver, until you clarify where you want to end up.

These consequences are almost impossible to detect. Instead, you begin blaming the lack of clarity or indecisiveness on the other party. If you run into one of these behaviors, see whether the problem didn’t start with you. Even if it didn’t — even if you are dealing with someone who is naturally unclear or reluctant to take a position — you can push that person to greater clarity or decisiveness by communicating more clearly yourself.