Human beings receive most nonverbal cues from the face. Because people primarily look at each other’s faces during communication, humans have evolved to understand facial cues the best. Professional card players rely so heavily on controlling their facial expressions that the term poker face is used to describe the ability to hide feelings behind a mask of nonexpression. Interestingly, photographic studies show that even the most practiced card sharks can’t prevent the pupils of their eyes from expanding when they open a really good hand.
We all recognize such emotions as fear, sadness, happiness, love, and hatred in other people’s unspoken communication. Words are seldom necessary to express these feelings. People also send subtler messages without using words. Studies show that up to 65 percent of what we communicate is nonverbal.
Honing your ability to use and understand body language is one of the most enjoyable ways to improve negotiating skills. If you’re not already fluent in body language, practice it. The knowledge will allow you to become a smarter negotiator by recognizing such things as resistance, boredom, and nervousness, all of which can hamper a negotiation. Those who have a command of body language use this ability to signal their message: “I’m desirable, attractive, and worth getting to know.”
In addition to the words you speak, you also use another, silent language —body language. Body language refers to all the ways people communicate without speaking or writing. We are born with an ability to communicate nonverbally. In fact, we spend the first few months of our lives communicating without words.
People can send and receive body language from four different parts of the body. In order of expressiveness and reliability, these are:
- Facial expressions and eyes
- Arms and hands
- Legs and feet
- Torso positions and posture
As you listen to the other party in a negotiation, be alert to the occasional indicators that the other person is not really listening to you. If the other person says something like “uh-huh” or “that’s interesting,” find out immediately whether this response is an expression of genuine interest, a way of postponing discussion, or — equally fatal to communication — a signal that he or she is fighting the dreaded doze monster. Those little demons that tug at the eyelids in the middle of the afternoon cause odd, nonspecific utterances to fall from the lips.
If you suspect the latter, ask a probing question or two to ferret out the truth. Asking, “‘Uh-huh’ yes you agree, or just ‘Uh-huh’ you heard me?” is a good way to flush out the noncommittal uh-huh.
When someone says “That’s interesting,” find out exactly what makes it interesting. Don’t be afraid to keep things lively. This approach is much better than having the conversation die right there at the negotiating table. If you decide that, indeed, your conversational partner is simply not listening, take a break. Often, a quick stretch or, in a more serious case of the afternoon slumps, a walk around the block helps revive everybody. If a distraction is causing the lagging interest in what you are saying, deal with it. Discuss the preoccupying problem or have the distracted party make that critical call.
Beware the deadly pronoun: he, she, they, especially the infamous they and the power-gilded we. Pronouns can send you into a quagmire of misunderstanding. Every single day, it seems, I say to someone, “Too many pronouns.” During a negotiation, force your counterpart to use specific nouns and proper names. This preventive measure avoids a great deal of miscommunication.
With pronouns, you must guess which “they” or which “we” the speaker is talking about. Don’t guess. Just throw up your hands and say, with humor, “Too many pronouns.” I have never met anyone who begrudged me taking the time to clarify this issue. More often than not, the request is greeted with a chuckle. The potential for confusion is obvious, and everyone appreciates the effort to maintain clarity.
A person who doesn’t want to answer your question may try instead to emphatically state something close to what you’re looking for. This technique is common when you’re asking for a commitment that the other party doesn’t want to make.
Sometimes, an assertion about the past is substituted for an answer about the future. For example, you ask whether a company plans to spend $50,000 on advertising in the next year. You receive an emphatic statement that the company has spent $50,000 each year for the past four years, that sales are rising, and that any company would be a fool to cut back now. Don’t settle for such assertions — push for an answer. Say something like “Does that mean that your company has made a final commitment to spend $50,000 for advertising this year?”
Because assertions are sometimes delivered with a great deal of energy or passion, you may feel awkward insisting on the answer to your question. Not persisting with the inquiry can be fatal to your interests.
Politicians, as a group, seem specially trained to provide anything but an answer when asked a question. It’s almost as though there is some secret college for Congress members where they go to learn about the artful dodge. Just tune into the Sunday morning shows that feature our elected representatives. For example, if someone asks about the state of public education, the representative may launch into a dissertation about family values. It’s odd how many interviewers let elected officials get away with avoiding questions Sunday after Sunday. You don’t have to do that. Don’t accept the dodge when you ask a question. Recognize this tactic for what it is and repeat the question, this time insisting on a real answer or an exact time when you can expect an answer. When people say that they have to look into something and get back to you, about the only thing you can do (without making a rather obvious and frontal assault on their honesty) is wait. However, you can nail them down to a specific date and time that they will “get back to you.” If the question is important enough for the other side to delay (or not answer at all), the issue is important enough for you to press forward. Asking, “When can I expect an answer from you?” is a direct way of obtaining that information. Be sure to make a note of the reply.
You are listening. You are asking all the right questions at the right time. You are patient. So why aren’t you getting the information you need? One of the following possibilities may exist:
- The person simply doesn’t understand your questions. You might try rephrasing your questions.
- The person simply doesn’t want to answer your questions. Maybe company policy prevents disclosure of the information. Maybe the person feels uncomfortable discussing a particular subject matter. If you believe this is true, make a note and find out the information elsewhere.
- The person is not good at answering questions. The avoidance is not deliberate or devious. Because of bad habits, sloppiness, or laziness, the person neglects to respond to your inquiry. Keep probing.
- The person doesn’t know the answer and is uncomfortable in saying so. If you suspect this, ask if the other person needs time to research the answer.
- The person is a pathological liar. In this case, run. Never negotiate with a liar — you can’t win. In each of these cases, the result is the same. You are not getting a valuable piece of information. Take the suggested possibilities to get the information you need. Don’t give up.
