Ask open-ended questions

Unlike simple yes-or-no questions, open-ended questions invite the respondent to talk — and enable you to get much more information. These are the types of questions to use when you want to find out a person’s opinion or gather some facts during the course of a negotiation. The more you get the other person to talk, the more information you learn. Yes-or-no questions limit choices and force a decision. These types of questions are called closed questions.
Here is a simple closed question requiring a yes-or-no answer:
“Do you like this car?”
An open-ended question, on the other hand, encourages the person to start talking:
“What do you like best about this car?”
Try some classic open-ended questions when you need to get information.
These questions invite the other party to open up and tell all:
“What happened next?’
“So how did that make you feel?”
“Tell me about that.”
Notice in the last example that you can ask a question in the declarative format (as a request rather than as a traditional question). That technique can be very useful if you’re dealing with a reluctant participant. People who won’t answer questions will sometimes respond to a direct order. Open-ended questions aren’t the only types of questions you can use to get people to talk. Here are some other types of questions to help get responses you need:

• Fact-finding questions: These questions are aimed at getting information on a particular subject. “Can you tell me the story about how you decided to bring this product to the market?”
  
• Follow-up questions: These questions are used to get more information or to elicit an opinion. “So after you do that, what would happen next?”
• Feedback questions: These questions are aimed at finding the difference that makes the difference. “May I say that back to you so I understand the difference between what you are proposing and what I was offering to do?”

Don’t assume anything

We all know that the word “assume” makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” When people make flagrant and obvious assumptions, they tend to make a joke about it. What most people don’t realize is how many times each day they make routine assumptions about the intention of the other speaker, without double-checking with that person.
Good listening requires that you don’t assume anything about the intention of the speaker. This rule is especially true in conversations with family, friends, and work associates. You learn how they use words and often know their verbal shorthand. This familiarity can lead you to presume that you understand a friend’s, family member’s, or co-worker’s point — without carefully considering what this person is actually saying to you. Be wary of jumping to conclusions about the speaker’s intent, especially with the important inner circle of people closest to you. Lawyers say, “Don’t assume facts not in evidence.” This legal principle covers a group of questions that are not allowed in a court of law. The most famous example of a question that assumes a fact is “When did you stop beating your wife?”
This question is actually a trap because the wording implies that you beat your wife in the past. This example demonstrates why such questions impede good communication. The question immediately puts someone on the defensive, and responding accurately is impossible if the underlying assumption is false. If the speaker’s purpose is to draw out the truth, these three questions are more objective:

• “Did you ever beat your wife?”
• (If yes) “Have you stopped beating your wife?”
• (If yes) “When did you stop beating your wife?”

In business, leading questions are often viewed as improper. At a minimum, they are challenging, which often leads to hostility. Here is an example:
“Why does your company insist on overcharging on this item?”
Now break down this question so it doesn’t assume any facts not in evidence. Again, to get at the information objectively requires three questions. It also eliminates the hostility.

• “What does your company charge for this item?”
• “What do other companies charge for this item?”
  
• “Why do you think this discrepancy in pricing exists?”

Note that in this example you and the other person may have different pricing information. Breaking the question down into three parts offers an opportunity to clear up this difference without getting into an argument. At home, such questions often get viewed as accusations. Because of the emotional ties, such questions can be even more off-putting than they are at work. They can launch an argument pretty quickly. Consider this question that assumes a fact that the other party may not agree with:
“Why won’t you ever talk about it?”
This particular example shows how such a question seems to assume an unwillingness to communicate. In fact, the other party may want to talk about “it” but doesn’t have the skill-set or the emotional strength or the trust to talk about a particular subject. Try breaking this question down so it contains no assumptions. Guess what — it takes three questions again. As you read these questions, play them out in your mind trying to picture the reaction of someone you’re close with.

• “Would you be willing to talk about it sometime?”
• “What are the circumstances that would make it easy for you?”
• “How can I help create those circumstances?”

Avoid leading questions

To get the most telling answers and objective information, don’t ask leading questions. Leading questions contain the germ of the answer you seek. Here is a typical example of a leading question:
The other person: “I have only used that golf club a couple of times.”
You: “How did you like the great weight and balance on that club?” Because your question contains a glowing editorial of the golf club, the other person will have a difficult time saying anything negative about it, even if that’s what he or she feels. A nonleading question, such as “How do you like it?” is neutral and more likely to elicit the truth. That’s what you want to hear. If the other person swallows his true opinion or simply fails to express it to you because of the way you asked the question, you are the loser. The other person hasn’t altered his feelings, he just hasn’t expressed them. You have lost an opportunity to influence him.
Here are some more examples of leading questions:

• “Don’t you think that such-and-such is true?”
• “Isn’t $10 the usual price of this item?”
• “Everyone agrees that this widget is best; don’t you?”

If phrased in a nonleading way, these questions are more likely to extract accurate information or honest opinions. Here are the same three questions reworded:

• “What do you think about such-and-such?”
• “What is the usual price of this item?”
• “Which widget do you think is best?”

Leading questions don’t help you improve your listening skills or get the highest quality information. As a sales tool, however, you may want to lead the person to purchase an item on terms favorable to you. When you’re closing a deal, the leading question may help lead the other person right to a close. In this section, we are looking at questions you ask to find out what the other party is thinking, not to affirm your own views or serve your own financial interests. In court, leading questions aren’t allowed. Witnesses are forced by the laws of evidence to give their own views, not to mimic what the lawyer wants. That’s because in court — as in this section — the focus is to find out what factual information the witness has to offer or what honest, independent opinion the witness has formed.

Ask, don’t tell

How you ask questions is very important in establishing effective communication.
Effective questions open the door to knowledge and understanding. But you must be watchful that asking questions does not evolve into you telling the other person instead of asking. You have probably heard a question like, “Isn’t it true that no one has ever charged that much for a widget?” or better yet, “Can you name one company that met such a deadline?” These are statements masked as questions. You usually can detect a shift from asking to telling by the tone of voice that the person uses as he or she asks these questions. The art of questioning lies in truly wanting to acquire the information that would be contained in the answer.
Effective questioning leads to the following:
_ Establishing rapport: Don’t try to impress others with your ideas; instead, establish rapport and trust by eliciting ideas from them and expressing how much you care about hearing their ideas. Rapport is the ability to understand and to connect with others, both mentally and emotionally. It’s the ability to work with people to build a climate of trust and respect. Having rapport doesn’t mean that you have to agree, but that you understand where the other person is coming from. It starts with accepting the other person’s point of view and his or her style of communication.
_ Better listening, deeper understanding: Oftentimes while you are talking, the other person is not listening but thinking about what he or she is going to say. When you ask questions, you engage the other person. He or she is much more likely to think about what you are saying. You lead the other person in the direction you want to take the conversation.
_ Higher motivation, better follow-up: The right answer will not be imposed by your questions. It will be found and owned by the other person, who will be more motivated to follow it up. Most people are much more likely to agree with what they say than with what you say.

Learn from negotiations by asking questions

To profit from experience, you must be open and willing to learn, even from what some people may consider a failure. What appears to be a failure can actually lead to new opportunities. That is why so many companies have postmortem meetings, especially after a negotiation that did not go so well. Use open-ended questions as a starting point for the next phase of learning. Here are a few such questions:

• What went well and why?
• What went less well and why?
• What would you do differently now?
• What would you do the same way?
• What went unexpectedly well and why?
• What went unexpectedly badly and why?
• What new assumptions/rules should be made?
• What additional information would have been helpful? How could you have foreseen what happened?
• How can you improve learning in the future?

How to avoid intimidation?

A sharp negotiator who is trying to sell you something may try to use a series of questions to direct you to toward a specific conclusion. Each question is designed to elicit a positive response — a “yes.” This sequence of questions leads to a final query posed in the same manner. When you respond in the affirmative to this final question, the negotiation is complete — and you have agreed to your counterpart’s terms.
That technique may work for what I call a one-off negotiation. By that I mean a negotiation with someone you never plan to see again, such as when you sell a car through a newspaper ad. It doesn’t work so well with people whom you plan to have a long-term relationship with. You want the other party to understand and be content with the outcome, not to be tricked into signing a piece of paper that he or she may regret later.
Some people use questions to intimidate or beat up on others. Someone may ask you, “Why in the world would you want to wear a hat like that?” You may be tempted to take off the hat and use it to pummel that person. The best answer, in such cases, is often no answer. Let a few beats go by and then go on without answering or acknowledging the question. Some conduct is unworthy of any of your time or energy. Don’t try to educate such a person on the niceties of living in a civilized society. It won’t work. Keep your eye on your own goal and ignore the diversion.

Asking Good Questions: A Real Power Tool

When you listen attentively, you make an incredible discovery. Sometimes, the person is not delivering the information you need. The chief tool of the good listener is a good question. Questions are marvelous tools for stimulating, drawing out, and guiding communication.
Asking a good question is a learned skill requiring years of training. The foundation of good question-asking is knowing what information you want to obtain. Here are seven handy guidelines for asking better questions — questions that are likely to get to the meat of things:

• Plan your questions in advance. Prepare what you’re going to ask about but don’t memorize the exact wording, or you’ll sound artificial. A script is too restrictive to flow naturally into the conversation. However, it pays to outline your purpose and a sequence of related questions. If you plan ahead, you can follow the speaker’s train of thought and harvest much more information. Pretty soon, the speaker is comfortably divulging information. The question-and-answer format can act as an aid to good communication rather than a block.
• Ask with a purpose. Every question you ask should have one of two basic purposes: to get facts or to get opinions (see Table 8-1 for examples of each). Know which is your goal and go for it, but don’t confuse the two concepts.
• Tailor your question to your listener. Relate questions to the listener’s frame of reference and background. If the listener is a farmer, use farming examples. If the listener is your teenager, make references to school life, dating, or other areas that will hit home. Be sure to use words and phrases the listener understands. Don’t try to dazzle your 5-year-old with your vast vocabulary or slip computer jargon in on your technologically handicapped, unenlightened boss.
• Follow general questions with more specific ones. These specific inquiries, called follow-up questions, generally get you past the fluff and into more of the meat-and-potatoes information. This progression is also the way that most people think, so you are leading them down a natural path. Never doubt how effective the follow-up question can be. It’s so powerful that most presidents of the United States do not allow reporters to ask them. Pay attention during the next White House news conference. Usually, one reporter asks one question, and then the president calls on the next reporter to avoid a follow-up question from the first reporter. The follow-up question is the one that ferrets out the facts.
• Keep questions short and clear — cover only one subject. Again, this tip helps you shape your questioning technique to the way the mind really works. People have to process your question. This is no time to show off. Ask simple questions. Questions are just a way to lead people into telling you what you want to know. If you really want to know two different things, ask two different questions. You’re the one who wants the information; you’re the one who should do the work. Crafting short questions takes more energy, but the effort is worth it. Pretty soon, the other party is talking to you about the subject, and you can drop the questioning all together.
• Make transitions between their answers and your questions. Listen to the answer to your first question. Use something in the answer to frame your next question. Even if this takes you off the path for a while, it leads to rich rewards because of the comfort level it provides to the person you are questioning. This approach also sounds more conversational and therefore less threatening. This is one reason why I urge you to plan your questions, not to memorize them.
• Don’t interrupt; let the other person answer the question! You’re askinthe questions to get answers, so it almost goes without saying that you need to stop talking and listen.

The film The Silence of the Lambs is an excellent example of each of the above elements of the question-and-answer dynamic. In one of the film’s pivotal scenes, FBI agent Clarice Starling questions the sinister Dr. Hannibal Lecter in his dungeon-like holding cell. She wants clues about a serial killer on the loose. Lecter offers to provide her with clues if she provides him with stories of her past. Watch how Starling quietly listens to Lecter’s questions and how she asks for the clues to help her find the killer. Both parties ask direct and tailored questions planned in advance. Watch the question-and-answer scenes in the film for a lesson not only in how to ask questions, but also in how to wait patiently for the answer.