Showing that you’re receptive

If you pay attention to body language early in a negotiation, you can spot signals of how receptive (that is, how ready to listen and how open to your ideas) your counterpart is. Consider eye contact, for example. Research shows that, during conversation, people look at each other between 30 and 60 percent of the time. A listener who meets your eyes less than 30 percent of the time is probably unreceptive. If eye contact is made more than 60 percent of the time, chances are the listener’s attitude is positive.
Receptive people look relaxed with open hands, displaying the palms, indicating an openness to discussion. The more of the palm that is visible, the greater the receptivity of the person. They lean forward, whether they are sitting or standing. Receptive negotiators unbutton their coats. Public television’s Mr. Rogers always removed his sweater, exemplifying the body language of an open, honest person ready to listen to what you have to say.
By contrast, people who aren’t willing to listen may keep their hands on their hips, lean back in the chair, or protectively fold their arms across their chest. People who aren’t receptive clench their hands into a fist or tightly grip some other body part. Having one leg up on the arm of the chair often appears to be an open posture, but watch out, this position may signal a lack of consideration, especially if the office doesn’t belong to the person demonstrating this behavior.
Studies show that parties are more likely to reach an agreement if they begin a negotiation displaying receptive body language. This result appears to be true whether the stance was an unconscious decision or a contrived strategy for beginning a meeting in a positive manner. In addition, the defensive postures are also contagious. If one person assumes a defensive posture and holds that position for any period of time, you can actually watch others in the room adopting the same position. It’s amazing but true. Body language is contagious.

Making the first contact

One of the best ways you can begin a meeting is with great body language. Let your enthusiasm and energy show. Stick out your hand. Meet the other person’s eyes and give a good, firm handshake. If you don’t own a good handshake, develop one now. This skill is not difficult, but many people don’t shake hands well. Let the flesh between your thumb and forefinger meet the other person’s flesh between the thumb and forefinger. Press — do not squeeze —the hand. One pump accompanied by eye contact is plenty. One or two more may express great enthusiasm; any more than that can make the person uncomfortable.
Today, the landscape for making the first contact has broadened. For instance, women greeting women in America can touch both hands at the same time as an alternative to a handshake. A hug, even in a business meeting, is appropriate if the relationship between two people warrants this familiarity. Increasingly (especially in Hollywood), hugs between men and women, or two men or two women who know each other, are common. A classic male show of power is to shake hands in the normal fashion and reach with the left hand to also grip the man’s elbow. Watch old tapes of President Clinton who routinely used this two-handed greeting when he was president. However, as you begin taking more careful note of body language and how people relate to each other, you will notice that the space between two people still reveals a lot about the relationship. As you can see in Figure 9-1, friends may stand a foot apart, but you would not stand that close to someone you were being introduced to for the very first time.

Knowing where to stand

One of the most important observations you can make about a room full of people is the personal space each person commands. During conversation, for example, people don’t lean closely into the space of an important person they think has greater standing than they do (either in wealth, influence, power, or social status). In a study of personal space, rooms of unsuspecting subjects were photographed and later identified. Without fail, the more powerful people are accorded greater personal space by the other people in the room.
Spatial relationships come into play when you set up a room for a meeting. Almost intuitively, people know that an important negotiation warrants a table large enough to keep a formal distance between people. If someone must dominate a meeting, that person is seated at the head of the table. Control over the dominant chair may be the most obvious and enduring sign of power both in the workplace and at home. Seating in a meeting is important, because once the spatial relationships are established, they are not easy to change. Take a moment before your next meeting and think about what relationship you want to establish with the other attendees. Arrange the seating accordingly. Watch the Coen brothers’ comedy The Hudsucker Proxy for one of the more blatant examples of power defined by the seating position during a meeting. The film is about a mailroom clerk, played by Tim Robbins, who finds himself thrust into the presidency of Hudsucker Corp., run by a brazen Paul Newman. In the boardroom scenes, Newman’s character stands at the foot of a very long and glistening conference room table, his position of control never in doubt.

Using Your Knowledge of Body Language in Your Next Negotiation

From the moment you walk into a negotiation, you should observe the body language of everybody in the room. During the negotiation, keep observing your opponent’s body language. Focus on the four channels: face and head, arms and hands, legs and feet, and torso (see the “Everybody’s Bilingual” section, earlier in this chapter). When you are so focused on the total person who is talking to you, you will listen better. Your observations of body language will help you pick up unstated nuances such as what items are more important, and what items are less important to the other side. Complete shifts in body language during a negotiation can be more telling than isolated signals. These shifts reveal that an issue is vitally important or is causing stress to the other party. For most of the negotiation, your counterpart will stay in the same general position. Notice any shifts from that position. These movements may very well indicate that the person you are dealing with has changed in attitude in some way. Being aware of this body language can be particularly important if the other party _ Feels that you are talking about a sensitive issue.

• Is losing interest.
• Needs a break or a stretch.
• Is turning off to your arguments.

Watch that body language! It can be like a traffic signal. The shifts in body language can be yellow caution lights telling you to proceed slowly, look, and listen. In the extreme, they are red lights telling you to stop! Stop now! Don’t go further without taking a break. They can also be green lights telling you to go in for the close.
Don’t ignore nonverbal signals. You may even want to include your observations in your written notes just as you include spoken words. This record helps build familiarity with the other person’s unspoken vocabulary. Everybody uses body language differently.

Emphasizing with body language

Pound the table. Wave your arms. Jump up and down. These are a few of the classic ways you can use your body to emphasize communication. It’s the equivalent of scrawling something in all caps and red letters. However, save these demonstrations until you need them.
If you use loudness throughout a negotiation, the added volume carries no special meaning when you really need it. You just seem bellicose. The late, great Johnny Carson used to refer to his lawyer as Bombastic Bushkin. The tag fit, and it stuck. Soon, no one around this particular lawyer paid much attention to the bombasity.
I once went into a print shop with a rush project. The owner slapped a big red sticker on the order. It felt good. He threw my project on a stack of work. Everything in the stack had the same red sticker. My heart sank. The red sticker lost all its meaning. Raising your voice too often has the same result. The key to emphasis is a change from the norm. Body language always involves a cluster of movements. It should naturally be tied into voice levels, tempo, and loudness. Sometimes, you can create extra emphasis by exhibiting body language that runs counter to the communication. For example, you may lean forward and quietly, slowly say that you are very, very angry. Here the emphasis is created just as powerfully — maybe more so — than if you had been yelling at the top of your lungs. Surprises can occur in any negotiation. Generally speaking, however, you should know going into a negotiating session what will and won’t be important. Hold back your emphasis until you get to the stuff that is really important to you. This strategy is why a good negotiator lets the merely annoying issues slide by and saves the emphasis for the truly important points.

Blind spots in Body Language

If you get conflicting verbal and nonverbal messages from someone, but that person denies that a discrepancy exists, you are witnessing a blind spot —something you know about others that they themselves are not conscious of. Blind spots cause miscommunications and resentment. In a negotiation, if you suspect the other party has a blind spot, you need to take frequent reality checks. Check out your understanding with your counterpart’s body language. You may even begin with the statement, “I need a reality check.” Then go right into your reading: “I sense I have lost you,” or “I sense we should take a break.” If you take responsibility for your need, your counterpart is less likely to be defensive, and you are more likely to get truthful information. This way you may get at your opponent’s true feelings. Sometimes you even uncover some underlying interests. Most people have at least one blind spot: one area in which they don’t really know how their words or actions are affecting people. Blind spots are like bad breath — everyone knows except the person who has it. The best way to find your own blind spot is to invite feedback. If the blind spot belongs to another, you need to ask the person if he or she wants your feedback. If the response is no, believe it. You may need to find a higher-up to deal with the issue — someone the individual must listen to.

Positive words but negative body language

Many employees complain that their supervisors give mixed messages with body language. The words are positive, but the body language is negative. For example, your boss calls you in for a meeting. She says, “Good morning,” and begins to discuss your recent improvement in punctuality. However, her arms are crossed at the waist, and her head is angled away from you so that she’s looking at you sideways. You know that these are negative signals. If you have the guts, you may venture, “It looks to me like something may be bothering you.” Your boss may be forthright about her annoyance, or she may pound a fist on the table and deny her true feelings with a sharp reply, “What makes you think anything is bothering me?”