Don’t tolerate the dodge

Politicians, as a group, seem specially trained to provide anything but an answer when asked a question. It’s almost as though there is some secret college for Congress members where they go to learn about the artful dodge. Just tune into the Sunday morning shows that feature our elected representatives. For example, if someone asks about the state of public education, the representative may launch into a dissertation about family values. It’s odd how many interviewers let elected officials get away with avoiding questions Sunday after Sunday. You don’t have to do that. Don’t accept the dodge when you ask a question. Recognize this tactic for what it is and repeat the question, this time insisting on a real answer or an exact time when you can expect an answer. When people say that they have to look into something and get back to you, about the only thing you can do (without making a rather obvious and frontal assault on their honesty) is wait. However, you can nail them down to a specific date and time that they will “get back to you.” If the question is important enough for the other side to delay (or not answer at all), the issue is important enough for you to press forward. Asking, “When can I expect an answer from you?” is a direct way of obtaining that information. Be sure to make a note of the reply.

Accept no substitutes

You are listening. You are asking all the right questions at the right time. You are patient. So why aren’t you getting the information you need? One of the following possibilities may exist:

• The person simply doesn’t understand your questions. You might try rephrasing your questions.
• The person simply doesn’t want to answer your questions. Maybe company policy prevents disclosure of the information. Maybe the person feels uncomfortable discussing a particular subject matter. If you believe this is true, make a note and find out the information elsewhere.
• The person is not good at answering questions. The avoidance is not deliberate or devious. Because of bad habits, sloppiness, or laziness, the person neglects to respond to your inquiry. Keep probing.
• The person doesn’t know the answer and is uncomfortable in saying so. If you suspect this, ask if the other person needs time to research the answer.
• The person is a pathological liar. In this case, run. Never negotiate with a liar — you can’t win.

In each of these cases, the result is the same. You are not getting a valuable piece of information. Take the suggested possibilities to get the information

Use your asks wisely

If you’re lucky, the opposing side will answer most of your questions before you ask them. That’s why you shouldn’t spew out your questions like a machine gun. Have patience. Only ask essential questions. If you don’t care about the answer one way or the other, don’t ask. You are granted only so many asks in any conversation. Don’t use them indiscriminately. Every child learns the futility of repeating the question, “Are we there yet?” At a negotiating table, you may never “get there” if you have overstepped the asking line. The consequences: The listener becomes oversensitive to your probing, which often translates into resistance to answering your queries. When someone becomes resistant in one area, they will be resistant in other areas and, therefore, unreceptive to your general position. That’s a high price to pay for asking too many questions.
To become a really good questioner, take some time after a negotiating session to think about the questions you asked. Identify the extraneous questions. Remember that every question should serve a purpose. You’re not looking for damage that was done in that particular negotiation; you’re evaluating the quality of the questions.

Ask again

When a speaker fails to answer your question, you have two choices, depending on the situation.

• Stop everything until you get your answer or a clear acknowledgment that your question will not be answered. Silence can be golden at these opportunities. Most of us are uncomfortable with silence. An individual may feel compelled to answer a difficult question if you remain silent after posing the question. “The next one who speaks loses.”
• Bide your time and ask the question later. If the question was worth asking in the first place, it’s worth asking again. Which of these two techniques you use depends on the situation. If the situation is fast paced and the information you requested is fundamental to decision making, use the first technique.

You can choose the second technique (to bide your time) whenever you know that you’ll have another opportunity to get the information, and you don’t need the information right away. Biding your time is always easier and less confrontational, but if you really need a piece of data, don’t be afraid to say, “Wait, I need to know. . . .” A good way to handle someone who doesn’t answer your question is to make a little joke out of the situation with a statement such as, “You’re leaving me in the dust,” or “I need to catch up.” No matter how serious the subject matter of the negotiation, a little humor never hurts, especially if you don’t spare yourself as a subject of that humor.
If the person makes a little joke back to avoid the question, you may have to shift back to a serious mode. Persevere until you either get an answer to your question or you realize that you must go elsewhere. If the other party isn’t going to answer your question, make a note of that fact so you remember to use other resources to get the answer you need.

Ask open-ended questions

Unlike simple yes-or-no questions, open-ended questions invite the respondent to talk — and enable you to get much more information. These are the types of questions to use when you want to find out a person’s opinion or gather some facts during the course of a negotiation. The more you get the other person to talk, the more information you learn. Yes-or-no questions limit choices and force a decision. These types of questions are called closed questions.
Here is a simple closed question requiring a yes-or-no answer:
“Do you like this car?”
An open-ended question, on the other hand, encourages the person to start talking:
“What do you like best about this car?”
Try some classic open-ended questions when you need to get information.
These questions invite the other party to open up and tell all:
“What happened next?’
“So how did that make you feel?”
“Tell me about that.”
Notice in the last example that you can ask a question in the declarative format (as a request rather than as a traditional question). That technique can be very useful if you’re dealing with a reluctant participant. People who won’t answer questions will sometimes respond to a direct order. Open-ended questions aren’t the only types of questions you can use to get people to talk. Here are some other types of questions to help get responses you need:

• Fact-finding questions: These questions are aimed at getting information on a particular subject. “Can you tell me the story about how you decided to bring this product to the market?”
  
• Follow-up questions: These questions are used to get more information or to elicit an opinion. “So after you do that, what would happen next?”
• Feedback questions: These questions are aimed at finding the difference that makes the difference. “May I say that back to you so I understand the difference between what you are proposing and what I was offering to do?”

Don’t assume anything

We all know that the word “assume” makes an “ass” out of “u” and “me.” When people make flagrant and obvious assumptions, they tend to make a joke about it. What most people don’t realize is how many times each day they make routine assumptions about the intention of the other speaker, without double-checking with that person.
Good listening requires that you don’t assume anything about the intention of the speaker. This rule is especially true in conversations with family, friends, and work associates. You learn how they use words and often know their verbal shorthand. This familiarity can lead you to presume that you understand a friend’s, family member’s, or co-worker’s point — without carefully considering what this person is actually saying to you. Be wary of jumping to conclusions about the speaker’s intent, especially with the important inner circle of people closest to you. Lawyers say, “Don’t assume facts not in evidence.” This legal principle covers a group of questions that are not allowed in a court of law. The most famous example of a question that assumes a fact is “When did you stop beating your wife?”
This question is actually a trap because the wording implies that you beat your wife in the past. This example demonstrates why such questions impede good communication. The question immediately puts someone on the defensive, and responding accurately is impossible if the underlying assumption is false. If the speaker’s purpose is to draw out the truth, these three questions are more objective:

• “Did you ever beat your wife?”
• (If yes) “Have you stopped beating your wife?”
• (If yes) “When did you stop beating your wife?”

In business, leading questions are often viewed as improper. At a minimum, they are challenging, which often leads to hostility. Here is an example:
“Why does your company insist on overcharging on this item?”
Now break down this question so it doesn’t assume any facts not in evidence. Again, to get at the information objectively requires three questions. It also eliminates the hostility.

• “What does your company charge for this item?”
• “What do other companies charge for this item?”
  
• “Why do you think this discrepancy in pricing exists?”

Note that in this example you and the other person may have different pricing information. Breaking the question down into three parts offers an opportunity to clear up this difference without getting into an argument. At home, such questions often get viewed as accusations. Because of the emotional ties, such questions can be even more off-putting than they are at work. They can launch an argument pretty quickly. Consider this question that assumes a fact that the other party may not agree with:
“Why won’t you ever talk about it?”
This particular example shows how such a question seems to assume an unwillingness to communicate. In fact, the other party may want to talk about “it” but doesn’t have the skill-set or the emotional strength or the trust to talk about a particular subject. Try breaking this question down so it contains no assumptions. Guess what — it takes three questions again. As you read these questions, play them out in your mind trying to picture the reaction of someone you’re close with.

• “Would you be willing to talk about it sometime?”
• “What are the circumstances that would make it easy for you?”
• “How can I help create those circumstances?”

Avoid leading questions

To get the most telling answers and objective information, don’t ask leading questions. Leading questions contain the germ of the answer you seek. Here is a typical example of a leading question:
The other person: “I have only used that golf club a couple of times.”
You: “How did you like the great weight and balance on that club?” Because your question contains a glowing editorial of the golf club, the other person will have a difficult time saying anything negative about it, even if that’s what he or she feels. A nonleading question, such as “How do you like it?” is neutral and more likely to elicit the truth. That’s what you want to hear. If the other person swallows his true opinion or simply fails to express it to you because of the way you asked the question, you are the loser. The other person hasn’t altered his feelings, he just hasn’t expressed them. You have lost an opportunity to influence him.
Here are some more examples of leading questions:

• “Don’t you think that such-and-such is true?”
• “Isn’t $10 the usual price of this item?”
• “Everyone agrees that this widget is best; don’t you?”

If phrased in a nonleading way, these questions are more likely to extract accurate information or honest opinions. Here are the same three questions reworded:

• “What do you think about such-and-such?”
• “What is the usual price of this item?”
• “Which widget do you think is best?”

Leading questions don’t help you improve your listening skills or get the highest quality information. As a sales tool, however, you may want to lead the person to purchase an item on terms favorable to you. When you’re closing a deal, the leading question may help lead the other person right to a close. In this section, we are looking at questions you ask to find out what the other party is thinking, not to affirm your own views or serve your own financial interests. In court, leading questions aren’t allowed. Witnesses are forced by the laws of evidence to give their own views, not to mimic what the lawyer wants. That’s because in court — as in this section — the focus is to find out what factual information the witness has to offer or what honest, independent opinion the witness has formed.