When You Have to Say No

Sometimes, you just need to say no, and being as clear as possible should be your goal. Here’s how to do it without alienating someone. Tom knocks on top of your cubicle partition, leans in, and asks, “Got a minute?” Instead of glancing at your watch and saying okay with a martyred sigh, you look up and analyze the request. You see his lower lip trembling and his eyes filling with tears. You know he wants to talk about his divorce — again — and you have a report to finish. You recognize that this won’t be a 60-second interruption, no matter what he claims. You resist the reflexive hot button response, “In your dreams, pal,” because you depend on Tom in your job.
A rapport with him is a priority for you. Use the triple-A approach:

• Acknowledge: Tell him that you understand how he feels and what he wants. “Tom, you look upset — it looks as though you need to talk.” This statement, which takes only six seconds to say, calms him because now he doesn’t have to work to make you understand his feelings. You have said, in essence, “I understand your priority — and it’s important” (another sentence that takes six seconds to say). We call this six-second empathy.
• Advise: Let him know your priority — calmly and confidently. Say, “Tom here’s the situation. I have a report to finish for the boss, and it’s due in half an hour.” You have understood his need, and now you’re asking him to understand yours. Many people, when told of your priority, will back off. But not Tom. That’s why there’s a third step.
• Accept or alter: Accept the interruption with time limits (“I can give you five minutes”) or suggest an alternative option (“I’ll come to your cubicle after I finish the report”).

This is the best way to say no. Use it as a model. You won’t always be able to achieve the ideal outcome described, but try to come as close as you can. With peers, you can suggest an alternative option, but what about with your boss? Tom will actually thank you and go away happy. With the boss, your best option is almost always to accept. The boss’s priorities are your priorities —it’s in the job description. However, don’t leave out the second step. Always advise the boss of your activities and priorities. Sometimes the boss is grateful for the information and withdraws the request or removes some of your existing obligations. Other times, you are expected to do all the work anyway. Advising puts the burden on the boss to say which task is to be done first.
Never skip that step.

Capturing an Audience

You’ve heard the phrase, “It’s all in the presentation.” The same applies to you. Clarity makes you a good presenter during a negotiation. Here are some tips to help you get through your next negotiation, when the spotlight is on . . . you:

• Analyze your audience. Put yourself in your counterparts’ shoes. Try to understand their map of reality, and anticipate what outcome they seek from the negotiation. After you gauge what your audience wants, you can figure out how best to sell your ideas of the negotiation at hand.
• Set your goal and keep it handy. Decide what outcome you would like to achieve as a result of the negotiation. Make sure that everything you say and do contributes to that outcome. Make sure that you stress your key points. Present your ideas and, if you are making a formal presentation at the beginning of a negotiation on a large project, consider giving your audience an outline of your presentation so they can follow along. They can follow your outline and use it to take notes. It also gives you a measure of control on what information they take away.
  
• Do your homework. Research. Research. Research. Don’t start a negotiation knowing little or nothing about your topic. Anticipate questions, and make sure you have the facts to back them up (see Chapter 4). Always prepare so you’re ready for any emergency such as a well-aimed question from one of your counterparts. Preparation will give you reserve power. You want people to sit up and take notice. If you are going to make a formal presentation at the opening of a negotiation, be sure to practice. Practice until you know you are prepared to tackle any question thrown at you. Remember, your time in front of a group is your showcase.
  
• Confidence is the key. Confidence is the key to being crystal clear. Remember, you have to be confident to show confidence. Have faith in yourself and your abilities. Think about how your presentation will help your audience to get what they want. Your goal remains fixed. Your job is to convince your listeners that your goal is something they want for their side also. Careful preparation provides the solid ground you need to support your self-confidence. Coach yourself. Tell yourself you can do it. Listen to your inner voice and tell yourself that you are more qualified than anyone else in room to give your presentation.
  
• Plan your presentation. Make a list of all the points you plan to discuss in your negotiation. Group your topics of discussion into sections and put the sections in the order that best achieves your objectives. When you put your talk together, keep in mind why your audience would want to hear what you have to say. Their interest in your points is not automatic. Remember, they are there to convince you that their goals are just what you want, not vice versa. You have to work to get their attention. Never assume that they will automatically pay close attention to what you have to say.
• Plan your format and delivery. Speak loud and clear. Don’t mumble. Don’t put your hand near your mouth, obscuring the sound of your voice. How you give your talk can be every bit as important as what you say. If needed, use your outline to guide you through your discussion. Don’t make your presentation monotonous. You don’t want to bore your audience. The most exciting idea in the world will fall on deaf ears if it’s presented in a boring manner. Conversely, audiences have been known to rally around some pretty lame ideas when they were fired up by a persuasive speaker.
• Manage expectations. Communication is a two-way street. Before you begin your negotiation, be sure everyone in the room knows what to expect. They will arrive with some preconceived ideas. Your advance communication about your presentation needs to be clear to set the perceptions right so no one is confused or disappointed. Never take your audience for granted. People have very short attention spans. Not more than 15 percent of a person’s brain power is required to understand your language and grasp what you mean. Don’t let the remaining 85 percent of a person’s brain slip into a daydream. To keep your audience with you, make your message visual, build anticipation, create a conversation cycle. Keep your listener’s mind 100 percent occupied.

Too busy to be clear

These important people don’t think they can take the time to be clear. They save minutes, but others may spend hours trying to figure out what they want and need.

• Schedule meetings at the beginning of the day to avoid distractions and ensure everyone’s full attention.
• Guard against interruptions; for example, request the person hold his or her calls for ten minutes in order to get information.
• Be efficient in meetings — have a written agenda even for a two-person meeting. The agenda shows others how much you value the person’s time.
• Show you are taking notes and recording comments.
• Be appropriate but keep pressing for the details you need. Sometimes, you need to steer your boss to clarity.

The next time the boss slams papers on your desk and says, “We need this yesterday,” do the following:

1. Stifle the urge to answer “in your dreams.”

2. Answer immediately.
Respond with a positive, “Yes, absolutely — will do.” After all, this is the boss. And this reply will relax your employer because it’s what any boss wants to hear.

3. Ask for prioritization.
This step is essential: Because you are already fully aware of your priorities and the allotted time to accomplish them, answer, “Here’s the situation, Boss. I’ve got these other two priorities you want by 3 o’clock today. Which of these can be put off until tomorrow?” By following these steps, you have forced the boss to be clear. Your boss needs to prioritize — that’s a boss’s job. Sometimes your boss will go away without making any further demands, realizing that you are already working on important projects.

Steering Others to Clarity

Nobody wants to be a bad communicator. Most people are insulted if someone tells them they are difficult to understand. At the beginning of my seminars, I discuss the basic skills needed in every negotiation. Then I ask students to rate themselves on these skills. I have never had anyone in any seminar describe himself or herself as a poor communicator — even those who say that communication is the area that they need to work on the most. When the other party is not being clear, your job is to steer that person toward concise communication. Don’t just toss them this book (although it may make a nice gift). Coax from your counterpart a clear statement of intentions, wants, and needs. Your technique for acquiring this information depends on the type of person you are dealing with. The following sections contain some tips for accomplishing this important task. Each section is devoted to a personality type you may encounter.

Tangent people
Some people are not clear because they ramble; that is, they go off on a tangent.
• Listen up to a point. You are listening especially for a good point to break into their discourse so you can bring them back to the topic.
• Be assertive when you interrupt. Not impolite, but firm.
• Your first statement should be a validation, “Yes, you’re right. Now, as to the purpose . . .” That’s how you get people with this type of communication pattern back on track.

Interrupters
These people even interrupt themselves. They lose their train of thought while they are speaking and tend to jump from point to point.
• Take careful notes while an interrupter is talking. But don’t write the ideas down in the order they are presented. Write a topic heading. Make notes, and when the speaker switches topics, leave a lot of space. Write a new topic heading and the notes. When the speaker switches back to a previous topic, go back to that topic section and continue your note taking.
• Concentrate and stay focused. This is hard work.
• Keep reminding the speaker of the most recent statement before the interruption. Don’t leave until you get a specific answer.
• Be appropriate but keep pressing with your own specific questions.

Unprepared people
Some people may have difficulty getting fully prepared for negotiations. For whatever reason, they never seem to have all the answers. You can do one of two things:
• Postpone the meeting.
• Conduct the meeting at the unprepared party’s office. Tactfully invite your counterpart’s support people who may know more about the subject.

Try being a journalist

When you think of clear writing, the most common reference point is your daily newspaper. From coast to coast, there is a consistency in stories written for the newspaper that seems to cross regional lines, ownership, and size of the newspaper. You may find it odd that so many journalists write in the same style with the same degree of clarity.
Actually, every school of journalism in the country teaches students about the “five horsemen” of journalism: Who?, What?, Where?, When?, and Why? The journalist is supposed to answer these five questions in the first paragraph of a story. The next five paragraphs should each expand on the answer to one of the questions. The least important information appears at the end of the story. That way, if the story is too long for the available space in the newspaper, editors can just delete the end of story, and no important information is lost.
Look at a copy of today’s newspaper. Pick any story that interests you in the first section (or the news section if you read your daily paper online). I point you to that section because stories there are more likely to follow the traditional structure of news writing. Reporters depart from the structure in some of the special-interest sections, such as the sports or entertainment sections. As you read the first paragraph of a straight news story (especially a story from one of the wire services), notice how the reporter explains:

• Who the story is about
• What the person did to land in the news
• Where the event happened
• When the event took place
• Why the event occurred

Read the last few paragraphs of the article and notice how trivial that information is compared to the first few paragraphs. Notice how the first few paragraphs after the lead paragraph are packed with important material compared with the information later in the story. Use the same technique, and you can’t go wrong. Remember: You’re providing the information your listener needs to know to achieve your goal. Organize the facts like a newspaper story.

Write it down

The written word is often more useful than the spoken word when you’re trying to communicate clearly. When you have something to say, write it down, look at it, edit it, and make it right. When the words are your own, you don’t have to release them until they are as near to perfect as possible. Many people believe they can’t or don’t know how to write as clearly as they speak. This is rarely true. The simple fact is that when you write instead of speak the words, you can see more easily whether your message is unclear. You can see in black and white that the words are ambiguous or your thoughts are incomplete.
Also, the written word disallows such conversational crutches as “ya know what I mean?” When used as a rhetorical question, this phrase doesn’t clarify the issues. It moves the conversation deeper into confusion. The process of putting your thoughts into writing brings you face-to-face with your failure to communicate clearly. Rather than bemoan your lack of writing skills, open your eyes and say honestly — maybe for the first time in your life —
“Wow, I didn’t realize how poorly I have been communicating my ideas.”
Here are some basic tips to get you on the road to clear communication:

• Use short sentences.
• Use short words.
• Avoid jargon and abbreviations — even when you are writing to another professional in your field — unless the other person uses these terms exactly the way that you do.
• Complete your sentences.
• Stick to one idea per paragraph.
• Have a beginning, middle, and end to the overall communication.
• Be accurate.

Don’t be afraid to number paragraphs to cover different points, but don’t delude yourself into thinking that numbering paragraphs brings order to a document that otherwise lacks coherence or good sense.

Keeping your commitments

Being clear includes being consistent in the words you say and the deeds that follow. If you say one thing and do another, it’s confusing. Your inconsistent conduct turns an otherwise clear communication into a real puzzlement. Keep each and every commitment that you make during a negotiation. In life, keeping commitments is important; in a negotiation, it’s essential. Keeping your commitments is the acid test of clarity; it’s also the bedrock of trust. A notorious thief can look you in the eye and say, “I will have that assignment on your desk at 2 p.m.” If the assignment is there, the thief has gained your trust. On the other hand, if an honest person misses the 2 p.m. deadline, your trust in that person is diminished. If you tell the other party that you will call back at 9 the next morning, be sure to call at that time. Breaking your promise calls your integrity into question and creates confusion about what exactly you meant when you promised to call back at 9 a.m. Failing to keep your word also upsets the other party. Such inattention may be considered, debated, and evaluated by the other side. Their loss of trust may call into question side issues and create tensions that are counterproductive to a negotiation.
If you are negotiating with someone on behalf of a client or company, failure to keep commitments is harmful to you and the party you’re representing. This neglect can damage your relationship with your client or your standing within the company. Word often gets back about your unprofessional behavior. Professional negotiators are often falsely blamed for not returning calls or not providing documentation in a timely fashion. Don’t provide grist for that mill.