Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Fear of hurting someone else
Often, people avoid hurting the feelings of others not out of compassion, but out of self-protection. Everyone wants to be liked; no one wants to be shunned. Toward that legitimate social end, you have probably learned to obfuscate with a vengeance.
I’ve developed some stock phrases to use after a bad play or a weak film when the producers cluster around to hear my praise. “Very interesting” is one of the most damning. “Brave” is good. “Top of the genre” is probably my noncommittal favorite. Sometimes, when a work is a “work in progress,” such vague statements are suited to your purpose of encouraging the creators. Such phrases are intended to mask the truth, and they do just that. Being clear and being confrontational are two different things. If you have bad news to deliver, do so with dignity and respect for the person’s feelings. Even if you feel, in every fiber of your being, that the person is overreacting to your news, don’t say so. Let the feelings run their course. But don’t flinch or amend your statement. Just wait. This, too, shall pass. Being clear in such situations takes strength and confidence. Never sacrifice clarity to avoid confrontation. Your desire to do so generally masks the real motive — which is to spare yourself the discomfort or trauma of delivering bad news.
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